Final straw with partner who won't be DRY

[DependencyInjection]

I was lying in bed listening to my alcoholic huffing and puffing like an old steam train, I'm sitting here in the early hours thinking I've had enough. Earlier this evening my alcoholic said to me "what do you think of that stuff from Aldi you had the other day?" I said to my alcoholic, "I'm not interested in having a drink, but don't use me to green light your drinking". I'm tired of the codependency, I'm tired of being angry about it and I'm about to start a new job and I've flatly warned my alcoholic that if they get pissed up looking after the DDs that it.

My alcoholic has been banned from Brownies for taking and collecting the DDs pissed. My alcoholic has got us into debt loads of times, we're still struggling. My alcoholic has caused me to loose jobs by leaving early in a rush because they're pissed up in charge of a 7 & 10 yo.

Don't get me wrong, I'm no saint, I react badly to my alcoholics alcohol misuse.

I've spoken to my alcoholics parents and I've prepared them for if my alcoholic fucks up during the probation period of my new job, they are to expect my alcoholic turning up on their door step And just as I write this al nearly 2am in walk my alcoholic to find out what I'm up to.

If I've rightly understood this: your grandmother "gently steered" her partner, then her own daughter ended up a "nasty, spiteful" alcoholic too. Doesn't that suggest that gently steering is not an effective long-term strategy? For the sake of your DDs, they need to avoid growing up with the constant presence of an alcoholic (particularly one who is supposed to be responsible for their childcare!) in order to avoid finding themselves in your situation in future, or worse, becoming like your mother due to the example they've received. Kicking against it is not bad; refusing to live with it is better. Who knows, maybe your alcoholic will be able to pull themselves together if they lose their family; but if they can't, better to keep them at arm's length. That doesn't mean you/DDs don't love them but sometimes love is just not enough, or even counterproductive.

I'm an alcoholic, in recovery. My father is an alcoholic, my mother is his enabler. My grandfather was an alcoholic, my grandmother was his enabler. If you grow up in a family where alcohol is abused, the chances are you either marry an alcoholic or you become one yourself. (See my user name!)

One of the biggest motivators for me is that I don't want that for my children. I wish heartily that my mother had made the choice to leave my dad. He might have straightened out or he might not, but we wouldn't have to witness what we did, and normalise the abuse of alcohol.

You can't control him, but you can control you. Try Al Anon, which is fit the families of drinkers. Good luck.

I would let worrk know the situation , most people have some experience of alcoholics within their own family or friends . Better to tell them before anything happens iyswim.

Read marryone 's post again. You either Marry one or become one. So true. Time to get him out.

I kicked DH out for far less (drinking), he put the DC's in an unsafe position and I called time because I could see that it would happen again.

He's not YOUR alcoholic IMO, he IS an alcoholic, YOU can't fix him, YOU can change him. He has to be his own man and do it for himself if he wants. You can protect your kids though (they are the YOURS in all of this).

When he left a sense of calm returned to the house. It wasn't easy but it was the right thing to do.

Sorry to hear this.
Your GP should be able to offer you some support. Think about what you want and think about how your children view it. Kids can be really embarassed about it. Talk to them and with support make a decision. It sounds like you are at the end of your tether.

Alcoholism is truly a family disease.

What do you get out of this relationship now with this man?. He has cost you and your children dearly in many ways. I presume you have stayed because you still love him, feel responsible for him (again co-dependency) and hope against hope (and experience) that he will finally quit the booze. That won't happen.

Is he really at all a fit person to at all look after the DDs?. What are they seeing at home?. You want them to lead this sort of chaotic life as well as adults; you're also showing them that currently at least this is still acceptable to you on some level.

The 3cs of alcoholism ring true here:-

Given your own family of origin it is of no real surprise to me at all that you chose an alcoholic for a partner. You grew up with it and learnt it and your family of origin are alcoholics or enablers (your grandmother and now yourself).

You are also co-dependent (they taught you how to be co-dependent as well)and have learnt those damaging patterns from your own family of origin. You are also playing out roles here in his alcoholism (enabler and provoker) and your own recovery (as well as that of your children's) will only begin when you decide to get off the merry go around.

Three generations have already been profoundly affected by alcoholism, now you are also helping to foster a fourth. Do not do this to them, it would not be amiss for them either to speak to Alateen.

You have a choice re this man; your children do not.

You don't have zero tolerance: your tolerance has been far, far too high.

You should not IMO leave him in sole charge of the DC, at all.

DependencyInjection,

The alcoholic's primary relationship is with drink and their thoughts centre around where the next drink is going to come from. Their relationship with you and these children (who are growing up seeing all too similar to what you yourself did) is well down their priority list even if any of you are on it (which I very much doubt anyway).

You can only change how you react to this person; what you have tried to date has not worked. It really has not and you're lurching from one crisis to yet another one. There is no calm or stability at home, its more like a warzone.

Leaving the alcoholic is really your own way forward now, have you ever countenanced or thought about actually leaving this person?. As I have already mentioned your own recovery from this person's alcoholism will only truly begin when you yourself decide to get off the merry go around that is alcoholism.

My XH was an alcoholic and EA/VA. I finally found some balls and he told me he'd stop drinking, he didn't, he just switched to vodka (he thought it was less likely to smell) and hid bottles by the washing machine. I left. With the DCs.

Fast forward 8 years, the DCs, now teenagers, refuse to visit him as he spends every night in the pub - this is despite him only seeing them twice a year for a few days. So he's lost the DCs too.

Sometimes they can't change.

Well my alcoholic (sorry I used to go to Al-Anon and that the phrase they used alot) got up for ten mins or so complaining about a dodgy tummy (wonder what caused that) denying that they tried to go into the kids room to piss, told me I'm a liar. Said it's nothing to do with the booze because it was only 8 cans and flatly refuses to go.

I'm going to try to speak to the in-laws today and take it from there.

First part is how do I go about explaining anything to the kids (not now later when something is sorted out) is the first thing that springs to mind.

I have a feeling that the in-laws will try to avoid taking our alcoholic in.

Another day and another emotional hangover for me.

Oh and thanks everyone for being thoughtful and supportive

If your alcoholic is violent then you should call the police when she starts. That will get her out of the house, at least in the short term.

Just because you say something she doesn't like doesn't mean that the violence is excusable or can be swept under the carpet.

Why did you stop going to Al-anon?.

Doubt if the inlaws are going to help; they are probably just glad that this person is not under their roof. You are going to have to do the same ultimately with the alcoholic.

re your comment:-
"First part is how do I go about explaining anything to the kids (not now later when something is sorted out) is the first thing that springs to mind".

How much later is later?. How are you going to sort something out?.
I think these children as well as you have seen more than enough already. Who is your priority; the alcoholic or your children?.

If the person is flatly refusing to go (I presume you mean actually leave your home) I would seek legal advice re getting him/her out.

Op, lovely, there is a 'drunk wanker fairy ' : you are holding the wand.

Irritations are one thing, but the public humiliation for you and your children over being banned for turning up drunk at brownies?

What is the next thing that will be the ultimatum? Perhaps he will turn up and mortifying your son in front of the mayor? Wreck all that he has looked forward to?

Your H is clearly not seeking help. You can't change his behaviour by wishing, hoping and staying awake at night.

What you can do is seek help for yourself. If you need preparation and support to focus on YOU, Get counselling, look up the Freedom Programme. They publish a book.

Seriously: he could have urinated on your sleeping children.

That is not a funny family story to be told over dinner in years to come, it is horrific and disturbing.

And a very accurate metaphor.

No one rescued you from abusuve alcoholic parents. You have the opportunity to rescue your own kids. Get the help and support you need to do that.

Life has been miserable for you, OP, so sorry. You deserve better, and better is out there, but all you have in your H is 'worse'.

Good luck !

Apologies: I have assumed 'H', but it makes no difference what sex or marital status.

and another point from this mornings convo, is that my alcoholic doesn't see why now I demand they get out - it was only eight cans.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!! the frustration of hitting a wall of that attitude.

The repost about turning up at brownies pissed - "well the girls don't like it and anyway they didn't mind at cubs beavers when I turned up pissed" My DDs also are in cubs beavers btw. School hasn't complained about it. aaaargh!!!

This person does not have to be your alcoholic any longer.

You are never ever going to have any sort of a reasoned conversation with an alcoholic because they have an answer of sorts for everything. This person clearly does not care about your children's feelings at all nor you for that matter. Never has either, the alcoholic is truly the most selfish of people.

Why have you stayed to date; what has and still keeps you within this at all?. In the meantime yet another generation is being profoundly affected by parental alcoholism.

"doesn't see why now I demand they get out - it was only eight cans."

Look, this, and the brownies business - you don't need to win an argument or debate and justify why you need to separate and this person needs to leave.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO WIN, OR EVEN ENGAGE IN, THE DEBATE. "Because I have had enough and this is what I want" is enough justification. Just don't get drawn in. Never was the MN saying 'No is a complete sentence' more usefully applied.

The whole point is that to an alcoholic anything and everything is a justification for drinking . You can't ever argue with that because it isn't a rational argument, it is an addiction-fuelled argument. So don't engage. Just stick to your plan to get your children, and you, out of this.

Why did you stop going to AlAnon?

Your partner is unlikely to wake up one day and realise he's a twat. He might, but it's less likely if he has no consequences for his actions.

You can't control him, and by staying with him you are damaging your kids. You and I both know that.

And your comment about your tolerance of his behaviour illustrates to what extent you've bought into his nonsense. That's not your fault - it's the legacy of being the child of an alcoholic. Save your kids and get out.

I've also been where you are now. I didn't grow up with alcoholism but my ExH did.

I think you have now hit your rock bottom; perhaps now you have, you'll be ready to go back to give Al-Anon another try. It has helped me in ways I could never imagine possible.

For me, Al-Anon gave me valuable head space. I learned how to not react to his outrageous behaviour. I managed to get myself back on track; my DD understood that her dad behaved the way he did because he was/still is an alcoholic. He couldn't stop drinking. But I knew that I was in a healthy a position as I could be to make the clear and rational decision to divorce. My D is happier living in a safe and non chaotic environment.

Also please believe me that one day someone will tell SS that your drunk H is caring for your DC. If you tell your GP what has been going on with your H, they will have a duty of care to report as well.

This nearly happened to me. My GP warned me that it would if I didn't sort out alternative childcare when I was at work. I do 12 1/2 hr shifts, days and nights. Wasn't easy but I managed it. I also told my line manager and we worked something out with my Annual Leave.

Please don't take chances. Your H may promise you the Earth when he is sober but but he would also be devastated if something terrible happened to those children...

I spent about a year going to Al-Anon and while it was nice to be open about the that went down with OH drinking and my feelings about it, but I ended up feeling I was just going Me Me Me all the time. when what I wanted was coping strategies. I also found I was having thoughts of infidelity, which is a boundary I can't cross (infidelity was rife with my alki parents)

He doesn't have to understand why he just has to go.

Alcoholism is a selfish disease and your attending AlAnon and being me me me is FINE! Why do you think it isn't? Would you try another group?

I'm perplexed as to why you want coping strategies! Why do you think you should WANT/HAVE to cope with this abuse???

Maybe Women's Aid would be a better option than AlAnon?

"what I wanted was coping strategies"

No, no and no again to coping strategies. What you have tried has also not at all worked. There are NO coping strategies that will work here, why do you think they will at all work?. All that will do is further numb you to the alcohol abuse you've been around and absorbed like a sponge your whole life. You do not think you deserve anything better do you?. You've also thought about infidelity because your current situation is intolerable, you're looking to that as a way out. That won't solve anything either, it did not with your parents did it?.

You really do need to return to Al-anon now; being able to talk about your own feelings in that case is fine. Your posts like many of this type are primarily about the alcoholic. This person has also taught you in their own way to put your own self last again, infact all your family taught you to be co-dependent and swallow your needs at the expense of meeting theirs. You also put yourself last again by no longer attending the Al-anon meetings.

You cannot save this person but you can save your own self and children here from more misery. That is a choice you can certainly make here.