advice on partner with temper

[deepnorth]

I have been with my partner for 16 years and from just over a year in there has been infrequent temper loss on his part. This has resulted in him kicking me 3 times, punching me in the face once (15 years ago) and shouting at me horribly, calling me a cunt etc several times.
In 2012 there was a big incident and we split up temporarily. He vowed to change and in fact completed a perpetrator programme. He also cut down massively on drinking which he has stuck to.
There have been no incidents for several months but in March and last weekend he lost his temper again. One of the occasions was partly in front of some relations who saw my partner drag our 2 yr old son to the car in a very rough manner. Last weekend involved shouting at me including , "you're a fucking lying cunt." Just to be clear, I never talk to him like that.
I really don't know what to do. In between times he's lovely. He hates what he does as much as I do once he's calmed down (although initially he says I've done XY or Z to cause it). In fact once he's apologised for his temper we don't talk about it. Our conversations are about me and what I do wrong. That's not to say I go along with what he says, I do defend myself.
I know I'm not perfect, he says I'm controlling and I think I am a bit, but I also know this isn't right.
I'd like to think there's an option other than to leave. We have 2 children aged 11 and 2.
Please advise!
I have NCed for this.

That's a start. Please do call WA. You've got to get you and the dc out of this.

I'm glad you're to talk to Women's Aid - you'll hopefully gain some perspective from that.

I'm afraid that I don't think you have any option. You need to face the practicalities while you're still able to do so.

Op, your partner does not have a 'temper' problem. What you have described is an abusive and controlling problem. If this was about losing his temper he'd be getting into fights all over the place, at work, with friends. However, he seems to be confining this to you and your child. That shows he had a level of choice over what he is doing and to whom.

Many people think that domestic abusive relationships are about constant physical violence, but many of them are much like you describe, intermittent violence over a period of years, often in conjunction with subtle control. Once someone had been physically violent once they don't need ongoing violence to kept their partner under control, because there is the constant threat in the background that it is possible. Plus, many women take on the message that they are at fault, quite understandably, which perpetuates the control.

If you find it difficult to get through to Womens Aid, you may wish to consider going on your local councils website to get the details of your local domestic abuse service, as they can give you good advice from a local perspective. Just please make sure you erase all search history if you do this, in case he checks up.

Really glad to see your last post OP.

This thread has been a bit full on, myself included, but he's done such a number on you we're desperate to suggest to you another option. I know your option was not to leave and how to make it so you could stay. We're saying that leaving is the only option, for you and your children, and there is a safe, supportive way to do it.

His relationship with you is about power and control, not love. That's heartbreaking for you, of course, but it doesn't make it any less true.

Hope you get the chance to discuss things with your friend tonight.

Well done OP, you're doing a good thing.

Just remember you've been here with him before, in 2012 when you split up about it - he's back doing it again so really, he's not changed, he's perhaps limited his actions but the core of his nature is still there, an angry man.

OP, I do get where you're coming from.
You don't want the upheaval of leaving someone you love and changing yours and your DCs lives, but you're hoping for something that just isn't going to happen.
You want him to change but he clearly isn't willing to. The fact he blames you for his outbursts is a huge red flag, his behaviour is not down to anyone else, you are not responsible for how he acts, he is.
Whether he explodes every few years or every few days, it doesn't matter, he is still capable of it and if anything, the fact he does it so rarely is in a way even more unbearable because you never know when it will happen. It's like the elephant in the room.
Your DC will remember, and it will damage them. The bad feelings always stick, especially when it comes from a parent.
My father was the same and I remember it all so clearly.

Please think of the bigger picture here, please don't spend your lives walking on eggshells thinking everything will be ok. He is a ticking time bomb and always will be.
You certainly don't want your DC thinking it is ok for him to treat you like that.

What would you say to your DC if they ended up in a similar situation? Probably "get the hell away" just like everyone is telling you to.

What have you got to gain by staying with him?

I split with my ex after 6 years together. We weren't married and he wasn't my DCs dad.

My children started to hate him, and I stayed with him far too long. He was mildly controlling, had a terrible temper made worse by alcohol, he would ignore me for days after an argument, he would moan about my kids marking the walls, leaving their bikes out, playing on the grass barefoot then coming into the house who cares and he physically abused his daughter on holiday.

That was 2 years ago and I'm now in my own house with my kids, met a great guy who my kids love and life is good.

I too was daunted by the financial practicalities but it all worked out eventually.

He never hit me but I've since discovered he hit his ex wife and has also assaulted his current partner, whom he is now engaged to!

Leave!

My dad had hit my mum 3-4 times during my childhood. Just that, few times in 19 years. At least that's the number of times I saw him do it. Otherwise he is what you'd call a lovely man and a great father. Apart from HE HURT MY MOTHER!!!! I have never forgiven him for that. The fear, the feeling of being completely helpless, seeing the most important person in my life doubled in pain and crying her eyes out. Begging him to help, to do something, only for him to dismiss me.
Don't put your children through it.