advice on partner with temper

[deepnorth]

I have been with my partner for 16 years and from just over a year in there has been infrequent temper loss on his part. This has resulted in him kicking me 3 times, punching me in the face once (15 years ago) and shouting at me horribly, calling me a cunt etc several times.
In 2012 there was a big incident and we split up temporarily. He vowed to change and in fact completed a perpetrator programme. He also cut down massively on drinking which he has stuck to.
There have been no incidents for several months but in March and last weekend he lost his temper again. One of the occasions was partly in front of some relations who saw my partner drag our 2 yr old son to the car in a very rough manner. Last weekend involved shouting at me including , "you're a fucking lying cunt." Just to be clear, I never talk to him like that.
I really don't know what to do. In between times he's lovely. He hates what he does as much as I do once he's calmed down (although initially he says I've done XY or Z to cause it). In fact once he's apologised for his temper we don't talk about it. Our conversations are about me and what I do wrong. That's not to say I go along with what he says, I do defend myself.
I know I'm not perfect, he says I'm controlling and I think I am a bit, but I also know this isn't right.
I'd like to think there's an option other than to leave. We have 2 children aged 11 and 2.
Please advise!
I have NCed for this.

Emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical. Why do you think you deserve being called a cunt? That alone should be enough for you to leave. You need to do the Freedom Programme pronto and you also need to work out exactly why you accept this treatment. Did your father do the same to your mother? Do you want your dc to give out or accept this treatment when they are older and in relationships?

Whatever you lead with they will follow and emulate. So what are you going to do - damage yourself and your dc further by staying or report this monster to the police, HV and anyone else who will isten and get the hell away now. Oh and call Women's Aid too.

If you want to stay with this abuser 'because you're happy' then fine, do that.

But get the kids housed elsewhere.

It's one or the other.

If SS knew what was going on in your home they'd have the kids out. NOt because they're trigger happy but because they know how damaging this is for kids.

Your choice.

My father did not abuse my mother but there was a lot of drama in my early life and I wonder if this has led me to expect anything but plain sailing as normal.
I can't begin to contemplate the practicalities of leaving him. Apart from anything else I know there would be a massive onset of him doing anything and everything to get me back. That was very hard to withstand in 2012. I need to find someone in RL I can talk to.

who saw my partner drag our 2 yr old son to the car in a very rough manner.

You might be happy with him (why?) but I bet your DS isn't.

You are living with an abuser who is abusing your children.

How can you bear it?

And I do know if he kicked or punched me again that would be it.
How many times have you said that before? 3 kicks and 1 punch, so I'm guessing 4 times.

Did you ever say that if he ever turned on the DC then that would be it? Well, he's done it. In public. Do you leave him in sole charge of the DC or are you always on guard?

Your DC can hear him calling you a cunt. That's fine is it? Doesn't seem to be a red line for you.

Your 2 year old got the rough treatment. Did you explain to both DC that daddy was very wrong and his behaviour was totally unacceptable. Has he apologised to you all for that incident? Been on a parenting course perhaps?

He hates what he does as much as I do once he's calmed down Not enough to change or keep himself away from you all though for 15 years. Better make sure he is always calm then.

But it's hard to know what to do because when he's not kicking you or punching you or calling you a cunt or dragging a 2 year old around or blaming you for making him do those things, he's lovely.

I suspect your definition of being lovely is "not being a violent drunk" What is your definition of lovely?

When social services are called by a relation, how will you explain your decision to stay? When he punches you next time, the time you say you will leave, how will you explain to the DC why you stayed for the next time? How much rougher is he allowed to be with the DC before that is a problem? How will you explain to them why you kept them in danger?

runrabbitrunrabbit I know it's hard to believe but he really is normal, kind, amusing etc most of the time- 99.9%. nanny0gg DS is nearly 3 and that's the only time partner has been rough with him. I'm not saying it doesn't matter because it's once but for sure DS sees his dad as loving and kind and isn't remotely wary of him. The incident in March was the first for a year- just racked my brains to remember the last time.

You're really defending him and meaning it.
Stop drinking the Kool-Aid. I would consider this the first time he has been rough with your DS that you know of, I sincerely doubt it will be the only time. If it happens again, you will be partially responsible.

Call Womens Aid -0808 2000 247 - or call your local Women's Aid

They're the experts and will give you the space to talk and work this out. They will also give you extensive and effective practical, legal and financial advice - which will be essential when it comes to stopping him harassing you when you leave.

I'm sorry if that reads harshly. Just hate to think of another woman in a situation like this. I understand you love your DH and don't want to break up your family, but you aren't the one behaving outrageously. You and your DC have to be your priority and being with him may compromise your safety and your DCs future happiness.

'One time' is one time too many.

Always. In every situation.

OP if a man in the street hit you - would you be so forgiving?

Do you worry about access he may have with the children alone if you split?

Why haven't you spoke about it?

You may well be bossy - but he can control his actions - or walk away.

. I desperately want there to be a solution other than to leave.

There is. Ring the police. EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Women's Aid will also recommend The Freedom Programme

Find a course near you

Get on a course asap. It is a brilliant programme and will get your head straight about what is going on. You'll meet many (ordinary) women in a similar situation which in itself is very validating. The facilitators are wonderful.

He hates what he does as much as I do once he's calmed down (although initially he says I've done XY or Z to cause it). In fact once he's apologised for his temper we don't talk about it. Our conversations are about me and what I do wrong.

So you don't talk about his violence? He blames you? That's even worse than the violence, in a way. He's not taking responsibility for his actions at all, is he? Minimising all the way. You made him do it. So that's ok then.

No it's not hard to believe he's mostly loving and normal. Pretty much all abusers are. Nobody would stay with them otherwise.
And your guy is really textbook. Remorse, then minimising and convincing you both it's all your fault - en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse
He won't change.

If I knew you I'd call social services myself. You are facilitating the abuse of your child, you are complicit, and could easily lose your children. Is that still fine with you?

It's your choice as an adult.
But your two year old has no choice. A grown man vs a two year old - he's a coward as well as an abusive bully. Two is still of an age where a vigorous shake can kill.
On top of the physical abuse ( and it is abuse) he's verbally abusive. Don't underestimate the impact that will have, indeed is happening on your child. I grew up with emotional abuse and it's left deep psychological scars. In fact, I think worse than the times I witnessed classic 'domestic violence.'

He will escalate
He will be physically abusive to your son again. He's done it already in public. The line has been crossed.

If I were your relatives I'd be calling ss. Please get help and get out.

Do you know what? Who cares if you love him. He's an abuser and he's abusing you and your children.
You loving him is not more important than protecting your children from him. Fucking hell.

Why are you on here OP? You started this thread. You must be incredibly conflicted and hurt and worried. What did you expect us to say?

Did you expect 'Oh he's ok really/ all relationships have a rough patch/ men are always nasty to toddlers/ he definitely won't ever hit you again just because he's shouting at you and terrifying you in front of your loved ones/ and we all get called cunts sometimes and it doesn't mean anything/ hey my DH calls me a cunt every morning and oh how we laugh!'.

Please OP, you must question yourself about this. You know something is deeply wrong here, otherwise you would not have started this thread. You have some gut instinct here. Don't let this warning feeling go by.Trust it.

Yes, why on earth did you start this thread?

Whats the point?

He's a fucking wonderful person, just tip top amazing, the kids adore him, he's a great Dad......when he's not being a fucking cunt. But that bit doesnt matter cos its spread out over years.

Nothing we say will make any difference, will it?

Before 'incidents' in March and now, there was a nice period of peace for 'several months'. So how many times have you had 'incidents' over those 16 years? And how many times have you said that if it happens one more time..

You know he won't change. Call Womens Aid please.

Your poor kids. I have a 2 yo & the thought of anyone being rough with him turns my stomach. Especially his Daddy. Jesus, is that in itself not enough to motivate you to leave this abusive man?! You & you DC deserve special much more. If you can't do it for yourself then please protect your children.

OP, it feels like the answers you are getting here are the ones you have given to yourself after these incidents. And your replies are the justifications you have come up with over the years to convince yourself that leaving would be a massive overreaction.

It doesn't matter how brilliant and warm and funny and kind he is very other day for the rest of his life.

He has hit you in anger. You. His wife. The person he is supposed to love and respect and care for even when she's driving him daft.

Now, he has manhandled your baby in anger. And a 3 year old IS a baby OP. It was the first time ever, yes, but you KNOW it won't be the last. Not unless you leave. Otherwise your little boy is going to get what you have gotten. He really is.

The only way to make that incident the ONLY time your DH was ever rough with your DS, is for you to leave. That is the only way.

Don't leave the thread OP, we're not the enemy. I know it looks like we're all jumping up and down and shouting at you, but if you could step outside of your life you'd be jumping with us. Really that's what you did ask for, advice, because you know you're so enmeshed in the situation you can't see it clearly. That's not a criticism, just a recognition of the terrible position this man has placed you in.

I haven't left the thread, I'm at work.
The reason I posted is because I am so conflicted. I don't want to leave but feel that's I'm caught in a situation that just isn't going to change. I want there to be an option other than leaving.
I asked my daughter last night what she heard on Sunday and she said she heard daddy swearing but she didn't feel upset by it. We have quite a big house so I expect she didn't hear much.