advice on partner with temper

[deepnorth]

I have been with my partner for 16 years and from just over a year in there has been infrequent temper loss on his part. This has resulted in him kicking me 3 times, punching me in the face once (15 years ago) and shouting at me horribly, calling me a cunt etc several times.
In 2012 there was a big incident and we split up temporarily. He vowed to change and in fact completed a perpetrator programme. He also cut down massively on drinking which he has stuck to.
There have been no incidents for several months but in March and last weekend he lost his temper again. One of the occasions was partly in front of some relations who saw my partner drag our 2 yr old son to the car in a very rough manner. Last weekend involved shouting at me including , "you're a fucking lying cunt." Just to be clear, I never talk to him like that.
I really don't know what to do. In between times he's lovely. He hates what he does as much as I do once he's calmed down (although initially he says I've done XY or Z to cause it). In fact once he's apologised for his temper we don't talk about it. Our conversations are about me and what I do wrong. That's not to say I go along with what he says, I do defend myself.
I know I'm not perfect, he says I'm controlling and I think I am a bit, but I also know this isn't right.
I'd like to think there's an option other than to leave. We have 2 children aged 11 and 2.
Please advise!
I have NCed for this.

I'd say it's worrying she wasn't upset by it - it's normal for her

"I want there to be an option other than leaving".

There isn't one other than staying and having your DD being dragged down like you are into his pit. Why are you still looking for that fools gold?. That is what you need to ask yourself here and honestly as well.

Re your comment:-
"I asked my daughter last night what she heard on Sunday and she said she heard daddy swearing but she didn't feel upset by it. We have quite a big house so I expect she didn't hear much".

Do not kid yourself, sound travels and she likely heard far more than you care to realise. She likely heard it all and wanted it all to go away. She has also become inured to the verbal violence present within your home. You as her mother have been abused throughout your own relationship with this man. This is no life for her to learn either, is this really what you want to teach her about relationships?. What do you think the two of you are teaching her?.

You have a choice re this man, your DD does not.

"she said she heard daddy swearing but she didn't feel upset by it"

So the poor kid is numb to it already.Or knows already to say what she thinks you want to hear.

Stop ruining her childhood.

FGS, stand by your daughter, not him, he's a nasty piece of work who only controls his tempter around everyone else but you and his family, what does that tell you, does it matter if it only happens once a year, fact is, he's already physically assaulted you and is verbally abusing you on a regular basis, nice for your daughter to grow up watching that, of course she heard him, she just used to it, please stop putting this arsehole before your child, you will really regret it.

He dragged your vulnerable little 2 yr old child to a car whilst shouting abuse to you?

And you didn't snatch her and run woman? Honestly being feeble doesn't quite cut it, you left him for a reason last time the same reason still exists.

This time however he has your kids to toss around, he's a vile woman beating child abusing sack of shit
I doubt I can make myself clear to be honest.

Don't enable him to abuse your kids

DD has not heard enough of it to be numb to it. She wasn't there in March, or the time before. It's probably 3 years since she heard anything.
I hear what you are all saying and I am not suggesting you're all wrong but I think the picture you have isn't what it's like. There has been twice recently which is why I feel so upset now but it is a rare occurrence. In 2012 when he kicked me there hadn't been anything physical for 10 years before that. The verbal is awful too and there had been a fair bit of that in those ten yrs but now it's massively less.
I know as I'm writing this how feeble it sounds. I know it's not OK but it's also not a home where there's frequent anger and swearing. Lots of homes without "abuse" are far more dramatic and tempestuous than ours. Again that sounds as if I'm saying I think it's ok which I don't. I want you to have an accurate picture.

Don't question your child on what she heard kids who are scared shitless quickly work out how to minimise to avoid being hurt verbally or otherwise.

They are learning this from you also op

I think we have an accurate picture

I think we do have an accurate picture - the responses here are precisely bcs we do have an accurate picture.

It's you who doesn't have an accurate picture.

ONCE it's once too many.

Did you follow up the Freedom Programme links? Women's Aid?

If he does it ONCE he's out - Or at least away from your children. If he screams abuse in front of the children he is out. I'd be is rough with the children he is out.

I also would report you to SS if I knew who you were. Kids come first, you are not protecting your kids, you are exposing them to abuse.

It is your job to protect them. If you won't do it ss will do it.

Just cannot imagine asking my dd if she heard her daddy abusing me the other night. :(

Hi OP,

It's not surprising that you feel horribly conflicted. It is all so confusing. You love this man but he is horrible to you enough to make you feel crushed, but also fearful and worried. You are worried about what he is capable of, especially towards the children.

If your last post was written by a friend of yours, what would you think they should do? You would be concerned. Some of the more excitable posts on this thread are trying very hard to get your attention. They are trying to wake you up. It''s understandable that you don't to be part of this club, but I'm afraid you are already a member. You are afraid that if you admit it, then you have gone past the point of no return and that action is required.

Well, action is required here. What he has done cannot be undone. I think you need to do some research about what life could be like for you and your children if you did split up. Just start to get your ducks in a row. See a solicitor. It could make you feel more secure and that you do have options. Giving yourself options gives you some control and makes things less scary. Confusion is your enemy here. Get some clarity and you will feel better. Honest.

Please please do find someone in real life to talk to, even if that someone is on the end of a phone.

I chucked my abusive ex out almost three years ago so I know what it's like, all the crap they spout, all the cliches.

But, and here's the thing, it wasn't until earlier this year when he re-started harassing me and the DC (I now have a non-molestation order in place) that I had cause to speak to Women's Aid.

THEY WERE INCREDIBLE! I hadn't called them for validation and understanding, but boy, that's what I got. Almost three years later and I was completely choked up on the phone because a real person was getting it, they believed me and never doubted what I was saying (about all the latest shit).

SUCH an empowering confidence boost. Helped me see clearly, just a little phone call.

Their number 0808 2000 247. Even if you have to leave a message they will always call you back.

Didn't mean to imply you'd run away from the thread OP, glad you posted again.

Why do you think this man is allowed, by you, to "occasionally" act so appallingly ?

Supposing I wanted to be your friend. What if I said I'm lovely, fun to be with, caring but I sometimes have a violent temper. When it flares up I may well hit you, call you obscene names and occasionally verbally abuse you in between times. I'll feel awful afterwards, but I won't accept any blame, just tell you it's all your fault.

Would you be rushing to be my bff ? Of course not, you'd think I was terrifying and would avoid me like the plague.

So why does your partner and the father of your children get to choose this pattern of behaviour towards you - with your consent ? He's choosing to do this, you're choosing to accept it.

I too think that your daughter is saying what she thinks is necessary to avoid upsetting you.

dc learn by example. What would say if your dd came to you and say she was being kicked and punched by her dh?

You would say oh never mind, it happened to me, it doesn't matter because you have a big house to live in and he can behave however he wants because you've got the lifestyle you want.

Op you have been psychologically damaged and you are in no fit state to put your dc's interests first.

Let's hope for all your sakes SS get involved soon to help you and your dh because he could not behave like that without your complicity.

He would be forced to get help if you let the authorities know the truth but you prefer to live in a fantasy land.

You are a huge contrast to most abused women who come on this site. They see the damage the abuse causes and WANT to remove themselves and their dc.

You on the other hand don't think your level of being abused is damaging for yourself or your dc.

You are in denial. Perhaps you and your dc are immune to being called cunts and accept being kicked and blamed.

OMG

This has resulted in him kicking me 3 times, punching me in the face once (15 years ago) and shouting at me horribly, calling me a cunt etc several times.

Just wow OP, you are actually defending his disgusting behaviour, I think you've normalised it because this is and has been part of your life - I am boiling at the above, I dont care if it was once, kicking and punching you? You honestly think because it only happened 3 times it's all ok, all forgiven, after all, long time ago? Jesus, he's a complete embarrassment as well, degrading you and your child in front of others, wake up OP or be prepared to live with a lot of guilt once your child has grown up.

I think the OP has normalised it, yes. But I'm not sure going hell for leather at her will help. I'm all for pointing out the horror of this situation, especially for the dc's, but we all know about denial.

Op, please get some rl help. It will escalate, he will increase the violence, and your DC will watch and learn and train themselves to take this for a lifetime of misery ahead.

Your dd is saying what you want to hear.
I used to say that too.
Please, get your kids out of there. Irreparable harm is being done

He hates what he does as much as I do

really?
but not enough to control himself.

he says he hates it to suck you back in it is classic cycle of abuse. charm abuse apologies charm abuse apologies

and he blames you - only you make him behave like that - well if you so bad for him why hasnt he left?

Good god, he's physically abusing a two year old and you're making excuses?
And he says it's your fault?

What's he got to do before you see the light op?

Sorry Peppermint but going hell for leather IS the only way, the OP has become normalised to it all so she needs to know it's 100% not right, hate how children are dragged into a crap relationship with no choice - the OPs OH won't even take responsibility for it, it's always her fault, poor kid, 2 years old and already he's starting on her - god help her when she gets older and answers the bully back.

Has the punching and kicking and calling you vile names never changed your feelings towards him ? How do you feel now that you have a mental image of him dragging your 2 year old son into the car ? I'm finding it very hard to comprehend that his actions, however widely spaced time wise, haven't in anyway diminished your feelings for him.

Did you feel lucky to meet him, that you didn't really deserve a man like him, and that if it ends you won't meet anybody else ?

Ok, stay with him. He'll be nice for a few more years until something you've said pisses him off enough to put you in a hospital or kill you. People with anger outbursts are not rational during the outbursts.

You haven't actually expected anyone here to suggest you try and work it out with him, have you?

I don't disagree with what you say Jan. I just worry that op might leave the thread if it all gets 'too much'. We've seen it before.

I have found someone to talk to in real life. Hopefully tonight. I will ring Women's Aid and have had contact with one group before.