I love her but she wants a child badly and I dont

[user1462882883]

Hi everyone,

I am new here and a male ( bear with me!). I have read this board for a while and wanted to post my story to share and would appreciate your views, especially anyone who can relate to it.

I am in a relationship with an amazing woman who i truly love, and who loves me. We want to be together forever. We have been together for just over a year with one or two splits.

Early on she said she had always wanted children in the near future, and I told her that children have never really been something i have yearned for. We were falling in love and this issue fell to the wayside - for a bit. Then it resurfaced and she hadn't changed her mind at all, it was non-negotiable for her. So i told her i would open my mind to the idea of becoming a father more as i loved her.

Fast forward to now, and she has given me an ultimatum that either i get on board now while she can still have children ( she is 37), or she will look elsewhere or have one on her own. So effectively she is choosing a hypothetical child over her love for me.

I have been to counselling, to explore why i am not paternal, and no matter what i do or try, i just cannot generate a want or a desire for a child of my own, even though i love this woman. It is so heartbreaking to lose her over this, i dont want to lose her. I will never meet another so perfect for me in all other ways.

I just cant seem to get that longing or want for a baby / child. People say once its my own, then it would kick in, but surely you have to have some sort of want on some level to do this?

Please advise as i cannot cope with the thought of losing this woman.

'Say you're married and have agreed you don't want kids and the wife says she is on the pill. Is her husband really supposed to say, "I'm going to wear a condom anyway just in case you're lying"? Yeh, that'll fly.'

If they don't want kids, why is the presumption that the woman is responsible for contraception? Both parties are responsible so yes if that means condoms or the snip have to be utilised, so be it.

If the man fails to take his own precautions and relies solely on the pill and it fails, they cannot later claim they were trapped.

'The OP has had a pretty hard time on here when all he's been is honest and stuck to the same story all along i.e. he doesn't and has never wanted DC.'

Except that's not what happened at all.

I was just coming on to say what Aye said

OP, let this woman go to have a baby and quit the navel gazing. You are pissing her about.

I would bet a large sum of money you will have a baby with someone else within the year

If they don't want kids, why is the presumption that the woman is responsible for contraception?

Er no one has said that.

If the man fails to take his own precautions and relies solely on the pill and it fails, they cannot later claim they were trapped.

And no one has said that either, but hey.

And so was I! In a couple of years' time you'll be with someone else and happy she's pregnant.

I'm sorry for your girlfriend - she's clearly panicking about her future and is desperate for a child, but you can't give her that. It's a case now of 'if you love her, let her go.'

Dear OP,
I feel terribly sad for you, you poor ould thing. Most of us have been unfortunate enough to fall hard for someone and have it end. Of course there is an awful feeling of loss and all the what-ifs, compounded, as in your case, when the break-up is not because of cheating or other ill-usage but because of wanting different things out of life.

Take the time to mourn what might have been with this woman. Splitting up is absolutely the right thing to do, but you are allowed to feel sad, hopeless and hard done by. Of course you are.

I am child-free, sort of by circumstances; but, at 41, my husband and I are very happy it turned out this way. There are women out there who don't want children; just be very clear from the outset, when you're ready to date again, that you do not want children and will not change your mind.

I wish you the very best of luck and strength to get through this painful time.

Having a child is a serious lifetime commitment. You've known each other one year and had two breakups. IMO your relationship needs work first. Your GF sounds like she wants a sperm donor more than a boyfriend.

You split, and you meet someone else and fall madly in love and have a baby with them in the next 12-18 months

And then he either he falls in love with his kids and suddenly 'gets it', or he whines for the rest of his life that he never wanted them, and the universe is really unkind.

I think Aye may be right that you may well end up being a parent with someone else in the long run.

Either way OP, if you are still reading this thread, I have taken more time to read your responses and I think you really need to look at your feelings around her being "the one" etc....you hardly know each other! You've not lived together, you talk about time away in a 5 star hotel. Knowing someone is "the one" is, as others have pointed out, about more than just chemistry - can you live together, or will you have different attitudes about domestic things which will increasingly grate, what about your families etc.....

I caution you to consider your expectations and look around at friends and family's relationships before you start seeing anyone else, take time to grieve, but do not let what sounds like over-romanticising this notion of your perfect woman ruin future relationships.

OP, a good male friend of mine the same age as you was in a relationship with a woman who desperately wanted children. They seemed so perfectly matched in every way apart from the fact he was adamant that he couldn't envisage children being part of his life. Every few months the question of children would come to a head and they'd have a row and it would get buried under the carpet again, neither of them strong enough to walk away.

Except after 5 years, his partner did walk away. Such was her desire to have children she ended up with an old friend who by her own admission she didn't love as deeply as she loved my friend, but who wanted the same things in life as she did.

Yesterday, she announced her pregnancy on Facebook and my friend is absolutely gutted. He said that during their time apart he began to realise that having children wasn't such an abhorrent idea after all and in fact he could envisage having children with her. He's now lost the love of his life and any future he may have had with her and he is absolutely gutted.

I'm not saying this will happen to you, OP, but that's how it worked out for him.

Thank you all for your valuable insights which are really helpful.

I spoke to her again last night and we had another massive heart to heart. She said she loves me and wants me to embark on this journey with her, but she needs a commitment by this weekend.

ohdearme , that is a sad story about your friend, and i am terrified of ending up thinking what if? I have a beautiful woman here, and a beautiful chance to create a beautiful family for me and her.

And yet, the thought of the next 18 years raising a child, and all the sacrifices involved, the expense, and the sheer responsibility for another human being who must come first, meaning i will be 59 when the child goes to college or university.

The thought of going through all that, has me petrified as to :

1. Will i cope with it all, and will i and her and our child be ok?

1. Will i enjoy it overall, or think i made the wrong decision for the next 18 years?

1. Will I be truly happy if this has never really been my life plan or what i really wanted?

1. Will my relationship with her survive, if we are totally focused on the baby, and she was 100% for a child and i was not?

Nobody knows any of those things when they have a child. It is scary and it's a leap into the unknown. You can't even contemplate the level of responsibility. It was a massive, massive shock to me even though I wanted kids, I was older and worked with children. I found the first year incredibly hard, and we had the most arguments during the first year of both our children's lives. My DH wasn't sure he wanted kids but he wasn't as against it as you seem to be. He agreed pretty quickly when I said I was off. He also has got more out of parenthood than I have I think. It was better than he thought and worse than I thought. The worse thing you can do is say you need more time to decide and string her along. Let her go if you aren't sure.

many of these "poor men trapped into pregnancy" would not be in this position if they took actual responsibility for their own fertility.

If you are having sex with someone that you do not want to have a baby with, there is a lot a man can do to avoid impregnating anyone.

Relying on the woman to take responsibility for both parties fertility is a nonsense. If you don't want a child and you are having sex you need to take actual steps to prevent pregnancy, EVERY TIME you have sex.

Many men society wide seem to think contraception is a woman's issue and not their responsibility. Saying "oh but she said she was on the pill" is NOT taking responsibility for your own fertility.

It's really not rocket science.

What is it REALLY like for a man to be around a baby he truly in his heart did not want?

A baby he had more to keep a woman he loved and did not want to lose, than a true desire for his own child?

Do you know any men who did this and wish they hadnt? Or did they all like it

Saying "oh but she said she was on the pill" is NOT taking responsibility for your own fertility.

Even if you've discussed it and agreed that's what you, as a couple wanted to do? And what about the converse? If they agree to use a condom, is the woman not taking responsibility?

I don't disagree that all too often men do just assume it is up to the woman to sort out contraception. But I find this attitude that you shouldn't trust each other in case you're lying about it pretty sad. If you've committed your lives to each other there are all sorts of things that you trust your partner with - emotions, money, children etc - and if you're partner deceives you they can really fuck you over. I don't get why contraception is any different.

You need to treat this woman with respect and walk away. She doesn't have the luxury of time.

In all your posts, you're only concerned for yourself. I haven't read anything you've said which shows consideration for this woman you say you love. So you also need to grow up and take responsibility for your feelings and their consequences for others.

And back to the OP... We don't know the answers to these questions. There will be some men who were ambivalent and then couldn't imagine life without their kids. Equally there are people who wanted kids but ended up regretting it.

But I do think that having a kid with someone just to keep them happy is incredibly risky. You've made it very clear on here that you don't want a child. I don't quite get the feeling that you've made it so clear to your girlfriend.

You can never know the answers to those questions before you embark on parenthood OP and having a DC can wreck even the best of relationships. My DH and I really wanted kids. We'd been together for five-and-a-half years when our first DC came along and OMG it was hard. It was so fucking hard! And we were both eager to do it and wanted it. I can't imagine going through that with one of us not sure, not wholly committed. What if she struggles to get pregnant? What if she miscarries? What if she ends up in hospital on bed-rest for months? What if the baby is born premature? What if your DC is disabled or has SEN? And what if s/he is never able to move out of home?

The two of you haven't even lived together yet! Your relationship has only been tested by this one issue and its led to two break-ups already! This isn't an 18-year commitment you're thinking about, its a life-long one!

If you're not sure, walk away. She's in a mission - you're just a passenger here - and a reluctant one at that.

ON a mission

It's all me me me

How about you try and get your self absorbed head around what the effects of your tedious navel gazing might have on this "beautiful woman" if she misses her chance to have the baby she longs for ?

How about that ?

I do have consideration for her, a baby is the most important thing.

I wish I knew if i am one of those men who, once he holds his own child, everything changes for the better and i come to enjoy fatherhood and not miss my old life and what may have been.

To the women on here who do not want a child, would any of you ever think of having a baby because the man you are in love with, and who loves you, wants a baby?

You will get to keep this man in your life, if you have a child with him. How is it from the other side so to speak?

Look, if you're hanging on in there hoping that if you fudge things long enough to change her mind or for it to become too late to have a baby, that's just as bad as if it were her pressuring or coercing you into having a child. Stop playing games with her. She wants a child, it's a perfectly reasonable thing for her to aspire to. You don't want a child, it's perfectly reasonable for you not to become a parent. They are, however, two utterly opposite aims. You cannot stay together and both have what you want. You are not soul mates, not "meant to be" if you have such fundamentally different opinions on something as important as parenthood.
Let her go, really let her go, and at least have the chance of motherhood. No more long hypothetical chats on the phone, just meeting up for a coffee. It gives her hope that you'll change your mind and prevents her from going after what she truly desires.

Juneau,

I'm sat here in tears at work as i type this, and you are right.

A baby is like lobbing a bomb into even the most rock solid marriages or unions. Long term, stable unions. A baby can destroy many marriages and does. Yours survived as you had 5 and a half years of solid history, and even then you admit how hard it was, when you BOTH were 100%.

And here i am with this woman. we have know each other just over 1 year, with 2 breakups.

• we have never lived together. the longest we have spent together non stop is 3 days max.

• despite this, she says she loves me and wants us to try for a baby. She is 120% for a baby, me I am close to zero percent but have tried to get on her page.

You will never, ever know how you feel about children, even if you ask every single person on the planet! You are an individual. You need to leave her alone! If she finds someone else to have children with, she will be happy. You will just have to suck it up if you regret it. There is no such thing as a soul mate. There will be someone else who comes along who doesn't want children, or you might change your mind by the time you meet someone else. Some people desperately want children but wouldn't do it again given their time again, some want them and love it, some don't want children and regret it, some don't have children and have a fabulous time. How can you possibly make a decision on anything other than your gut instinct, which is saying no, but seemingly no, but I still want to cling on to this woman for dear life, no matter what the consequences for her. You are being very selfish.

No, it's not going to be all right if you have a child without having your heart set on it. Not right for your relationship, as you will resent your sacrifice. Not right for your partner, as she will know that her child's father isn't as passionate about your child as she is. And, most importantly, not right for your child, who will grow up sensing your ambivalence.

Please walk away. You have only been with this woman for a year, and you split up twice. She wants a baby. You clearly don't. Walk away.