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Original poster

For those of us who aren't in the first flush of youth, what's keeping you single ?

88 replies

vienna1981 · 09/05/2016 20:49

Male, 45 years old. I ask myself this question more or less every day but no one else ever does. I guess that's a good reflection of how unimportant the question is in the grand scheme of things. Anyway, my answer, should I ever be asked, would be, 'I've just been very unlucky.' How would you answer, other than saying 'mind your own business' ?

OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 09/05/2016 22:32

Vienna, sorry to hear that. Maybe try your luck online.

Klaptout · 09/05/2016 22:40

I find it hard to meet someone who matches up to my DH, since he died a few years ago, I've only had one realationship.
I'm used to being single, but find I feel lonely a lot.
Friends who have had bad relationship experiences are cautious not to get into another bad one.

Original poster
vienna1981 · 09/05/2016 22:42

It's awfully hard when all your brothers and sisters (I have three of each) are married and all your workmates are either married or in long term relationships. Really makes you think.

OP posts:
WriteforFun1 · 09/05/2016 23:04

Vienna, that comment makes t sound like you're feeling social pressure?
If you've never had a relationship you might have one and feel like I do - not worth the hassle.
I've a friend who married in his 40s mostly due to family pressure. He really liked the woman at the tine but it's now obvious that he's miserable and ought to have stayed single. He now admits he felt like an oddball being single.

Frostycake · 09/05/2016 23:27

Im late 40s, great career, friends, family, single 2 years, never married but have been asked.

I just cant see what I would gain from a romantic relationship. Im child-free and have my own money and love my independence (and quiet, clean house) Grin

The men Ive met (and Ive moved a lot) seem to want me to work and wait on them and pay for a lifestyle they cant afford. They themselves have very little to offer and simply expect me to slot into their lives (usually involving their mates, their pub, their family etc.)

I probably enjoy my own company too much to go back to compromising, which is what a relationship is all about. I wont be some man's side-kick. Id rather steer my own boat. I think it helps that I dont mind being seen as 'odd' - it's hard to run against the herd.

Good luck OP. I have a male friend who married at 50 (1st time!)

Frostycake · 09/05/2016 23:32

Do you get 'friend zoned' OP or do you not have any female friends?

WriteforFun1 · 09/05/2016 23:33

Frost, you sound like me (except I only have a wee flat and average job)

The men I stayed with for a while were terrific but in between those I met a lot who were not fully grown up so to speak. I don't think that's gender specific btw, I do wonder about the lack of independence I see in general.

sorry op that wasn't strictly relevant! I don't often meet single cf women who are happy to stay single so just saying hi to Frosty really.

Sorry, back to the thread....

SoleBizzz · 10/05/2016 00:36

I'll go on a date with you

lavenderhoney · 10/05/2016 00:49

I never meet anyone I'm remotely interested in dating! I work, have DC, no help, and no time to waste. I would make the time - but I don't want anyone round my house everynight watching tv - I dont have time for that. I can't imagine meeting anyone who could be lovely but have their own life as well, and not be a player with all that spare time they'd have.

I find once men realise I don't get every other weekend free they push off. Really, they are just trying to work out when they might get a shag, IMO. And they know I won't be free for the country walks etc - my DC are too young to be left and actually I like spending my weekends with them, not a man who might just push off one day. The risk is too high.

The lack of sex is dismal though.

sunnyoutside · 10/05/2016 06:50

Nearly 40, 4dc. I have made bad choices in the past with men. Don't trust myself right now to not make another bad choice. Plus I see so many people around me whose only goal is to "get a man" and I don't want to be that person. I want to concentrate on getting my life to where I want it to be, my self esteem up so that if/when I decide to start dating again it is because I want that person to be a bonus in my life not an essential and definitely not a rescue project which is what I always seem to do

Trills · 10/05/2016 07:47

Can I ask why your username has 1981 in it and you've said you are 45?

Year numbers are nearly always
a - the year you were born
b - the year it was when you made the username

What happened in 1981?

Frostycake · 10/05/2016 07:54

Yes, independence is rare. It's hard to have nobody to rely on but if you can do it, the rewards are huge.

Ive lived with three men and had 3 long term relationships. All of them nice people, just not for me.

BeckywiththeGoodHare · 10/05/2016 07:55

Maybe the OP is a big Ultravox fan? Wink

YokoUhOh · 10/05/2016 08:01

Yy^ trills Vienna by Ultravox was a number 2 hit in 1981 (I know this because I was born during its 'reign' at Number 2!)

TheNaze73 · 10/05/2016 08:08

Just tell them you're not desperate or needy & will choose when the time is right, to get involved with someone

Trills · 10/05/2016 08:09

I feel that it being #2 and not #1 means I should be forgiven for not knowing that :o

Trills · 10/05/2016 08:09

I'm familiar with the song but wouldn't have been able to tell you the year!

Piemernator · 10/05/2016 08:22

I know a lot of men due to years of working in engineering and my main hobby gaming is dominated by men. I find a lot of them are hobby obsessed with gaming and football as the main culprits to the exclusion of everything else.

I'm not single but I do know men who have said having a GF means less time for their hobby so they cannot be arsed.

WriteforFun1 · 10/05/2016 11:17

Pie "I'm not single but I do know men who have said having a GF means less time for their hobby so they cannot be arsed."

I can understand that. It means less time for everything - friends, family, time to myself, time to MN Grin and it's got no rewards really. There is a hard aspect to staying single but it's so rewarding I'm surprised more people don't do it.

Original poster
vienna1981 · 10/05/2016 11:27

Morning all.

I'm under no pressure, social or otherwise, to be paired up. I'm just aware of being the odd one out. My single status never gets discussed, at least not in my hearing.

I don't know what 'friend-zoned' means. But I don't have any friends at all, apart from a handful of casual work acquaintances.

I'm not a big Ultravox fan but I think Vienna is their best song, and the best song never to reach number one when it should have (blame Joe Dolce for that). It peaked at number two not long after I turned 10, February 1981. Hope that's clear.

OP posts:
Lollylovesbones · 10/05/2016 11:27

write. I think it certainly gets harder to compromise when you have been single for a long time. After a bad marriage, I would only contemplate a relationship if the other person enriched my life (and vice versa). I do feel sad (occasionally) at my enforced celibacy and, as all of my friends are married, I spend a lot of weekends on my own.

WriteforFun1 · 10/05/2016 11:30

vienna "I'm just aware of being the odd one out"

actually, that's the pressure I'm thinking of. I spent my 30s thinking I should try harder in those relationships because being single didn't seem right somehow because no one else was.

I can't see the word "Vienna" without singing it Grin Their best song is Dancing With Tears in My Eyes. But I digress.

Lolly, yes, it probably does get harder to compromise. Nearly all my mates are married too but I still see them at the weekends mostly - I'm introverted so every other weekend suits me better. The celibacy thing doesn't worry me either, so it suits me very well to be single.

OurMiracle1106 · 10/05/2016 11:39

I'm 27 and single 4 years following an abusive relationship and my reason is because I have been concentrating on myself. I have dated and I do date so I'm not closed to finding my Mr right just for now it's not something I'm seeking out

I would rather be single and content than with Someone and miserable

bibliomania · 10/05/2016 13:03

Being single feels like my natural default. I wouldn't rule out a relationship and have tried some OLD/kept an eye out on real life, but nothing has came of it (no pun intended....) Unless I make a major effort, I'm nearly always either at work or with dd so not much chance to find someone.

I feel a bit ambivalent about it. I miss intimacy, but I don't particularly want another person knocking around the place.

bibliomania · 10/05/2016 13:03

nothing has COME. un-pun ruined.