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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and I just broke up.

98 replies

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/05/2016 21:27

He lied to me for our entire relationship.
He has two children he lied to me about. He told me they were step-kids but it turns out they're biologically his. He knew that.
I asked about them loads - he made up lies to cover the original lie.

We were due to get married in September.

Fuck.

OP posts:
ConcreteUnderpants · 08/05/2016 04:49

Hermione, the past few days, I've also had the 'explaining', guilt-tripping (I'm all alone now, nowhere to go, undying love) and then loss of temper.

It is evidently a script stolen from the school of utter cunts.

Be thankful you can have a clean break now. No mortgage, no marriage, no kids.
Good luck Smile

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 05:51

Thanks everyone Smile

Have to deal with work now but will try and update later Flowers

OP posts:
MardleBum · 08/05/2016 06:00

I'm glad you sound so steadfast because a man who can tell lies of that magnitutude is seriously twisted in the head. Who the fuck would deny their own children and for what benefit? Shock You've had a very lucky escape indeed. Did he not realise he would have to admit to this assault charge when you said you wanted to get married in the US? Confused

AyeAmarok · 08/05/2016 06:12

That is such a strange thing to lie about that it would make me worry why he lied. What's he hiding?

Glad you have a plan though, it sounds like a good one.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 08/05/2016 06:40

I'm sorry 💐

Tell him the only thing that will help his case right now is to fuck off to a friends for a few days while you calm down.

Then the minute he goes get all your stuff sorted it, cancel anything in your name, copies of everything, get packed up and go. Don't pay a single bill that's not in your name.

I know your head is battered right now, but stay strong and don't let him talk you around. If he'll lie about this 'because he knew you wouldn't like the truth' he'll lie about anything...and everything.

You ARE strong, you just need to BE strong - at least until you get to your parents. I hope they're the type to say you've done the right thing and not that 'all couples have problems, you need to try again'.

I'm astounded you're going to work. Kudos to you. But take care of yourself, this has been a huge shock.

midsummabreak · 08/05/2016 06:45

Sorry u cant sleep. Some lovely comments from others here

Can u focus on what you need today rather than think any further than that
If u need to see a friend, then contact and arrange a catch up
If u need to get away, talk to travel agent about possible holiday with friend/family
Do whatever you need to do today, stay with family whatevr it is you need. & maybe get an early night tonight to catch up on sleep

Startingover2016 · 08/05/2016 07:24

Does he keep in touch with the three children he knows about? How many times has he been married? I expect you're wondering how many other lies he told.

What a pathetic liar. He must have known the truth would come out at some stage.

At least you have found out now. If you had not been going to the states it might not have come out until after you married.

Frazzled2207 · 08/05/2016 07:39

Good on you for doing the right thing. Can you get him to bugger off out the house by the time you finish work.
What a twat. You really have had a lucky escapeFlowers

jillyarmeen16 · 08/05/2016 09:16

Lucky escape. I know It doesn't feel like it, I know it's embarrassing and humiliating and confusing and rage inducing when you're planning the rest of your life with someone and then find out that person doesn't actually exist.
It really hurts. I've been there only a few months ago, wedding was booked for august. Mine is also a compulsive liar. Please be prepared to find out a lot more info that you didn't know. The things I've discovered about my ex have been truly disgusting, also including child abandonment.
My ex is a sociopath, took me 2 months to work it out but he is and that knowledge has helped me heal. Might be something you could look into.

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 09:22

Thank you so much everyone Flowers

I'm okay. I spoke to work and gave my notice. My parents are coming in a few days to get me/my stuff. I'm focusing on the practical and trying to leave the emotions aside until I'm away from here.

He keeps in touch with the ones he told me about, yes. Their mother (not married) had no idea about the ones from the past either. He's kept this lie going for 8+ years by the looks of it.

OP posts:
jillyarmeen16 · 08/05/2016 09:34

Makes you wonder what else he's lied about if he can lie about his own kids. Its not normal behaviour, good men dont leave their kids then lie about it.Guessing he doesn't pay for them either?
90% of everything my ex ever said to me was a lie during our 2.5 year relationship.
He lied to you about his criminal record too, so did mine.
You sound very calm and collected right now, you're doing really well, keep going, get away and when you're home let it all out, thinking of you x

Imnotacelebgetmeouttahere · 08/05/2016 09:44

Sounds like you're dating my ex - he has form for denying his kids and passing them off as his " step kids" then it all comes out and on he moves to another poor lady.

Sounds like you've had a lucky escape - hope you start to feel better soon and a fresh start can be a wonderful thing!

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 14:12

I think I'm calm because I'm so exhausted, I don't have the energy to be angry!

I had a power-nap earlier but just couldn't shut my brain off. I can't eat but I've been keeping coffee/tea down which is probably a good sign. I can't kick him out as we share the flat together and neither of us have anywhere else to go.

He's off to work tomorrow, though, whereas my boss kindly gave me my notice period as holiday so I don't have to go back. I'm going to use that time to get my name off the bills/council tax and start sorting out my things.

Thank you to everyone for your support. I feel shell-shocked and everyone I've told IRL is disgusted by his behaviour. Nobody had any idea he was living a lie.

OP posts:
GarlicShake · 08/05/2016 14:37

That's a huge help from your boss, Hermione. I think you're right to use the adrenaline on closing things down, but please get to your parents' as soon as possible. Allowing yourself to crash will help your system deal with the shock.

You're not spending the day around him tomorrow, are you?!

Jilly, my thoughts are with you too.

GarlicShake · 08/05/2016 14:38

Oh, sorry, I misread "he's off to work tomorrow".

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 14:44

My parents are six hours away - my mum is coming on Wednesday so I only have two more nights here luckily! We're in separate rooms and it's ok so far. Can't wait to get out of here.

OP posts:
bewarethewalkers · 08/05/2016 14:47

I am in awe of your strength OP and am really glad that your parents are taking you home. What a bastard.

murphyslaws · 08/05/2016 14:54

Wow OP I don't know you but OMG you sound like a woman on a mission.... I'm so pleased you are not wasting any more time with him. I'm pleased you are doing right by you.

Really really good luck. Enjoy your new start. It will be exciting, I'm sure you will never regret this move. Really good luck GrinGrinGrin

Puzzledandpissedoff · 08/05/2016 15:02

I'm very sorry about the awful shock you've had, Hermione, but can I ask if he knows about the plans for your mum to come down and you to leave with her?

If not, you might want to consider whether or not to tell him; he's clearly unstable and given his extreme lying I wouldn't personally want to count on what he might do. Probably he thought of you as a "new start" or even a "cover" and he could react badly to that being taken away ... please be very careful

BeauGlacons · 08/05/2016 15:15

Have you got the money to book yourself into premier inn or something for the last few nights. If you can I would.

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 15:22

Thank you all for your concern, but I'm safe here. I don't want to spend my savings on a hotel when I'm going to need it to help me find somewhere near my parents. I have enough for a deposit, and a friend has invited me to see her in Belfast for a long weekend too, so some of it will be spent there.

He knows my plans to leave and we actually managed to discuss it quite rationally. Although he has the cheek to moan about having to pay all the bills from next month - as if this is my fault!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 08/05/2016 15:22

I'm so very sorry, Hermione but at the same time, glad that you're not married to him. A lucky escape even though it feels like shit at the moment. Thanks

UpsiLondoes · 08/05/2016 15:24

So sorry OP. It's ok to mourn what we thought we had - especially a wonderful future with someone. Just remember it wasn't real and try to hang on to the comfort that had you been sucked in to living the lie he built up for you both, it would have been so so much worse for you once it eventually came crashing down around you. Wanker.

Kidnapped · 08/05/2016 17:57

So he has totally blanked those two kids for 8+ years?

And now he's moaning about having to pay his own bills by himself?

Bloody hell. What a prince.

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 18:02

This side of him is the complete opposite of what I believed to be true. It's like he has this double life I know nothing about.

I'm so angry for those poor children, and for his ex. I don't think he's had proper contact for 8 years or so. Of course, he blames the ex Hmm

I am SO glad I never had children with him.

OP posts:
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