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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP and I just broke up.

98 replies

HermioneJeanGranger · 07/05/2016 21:27

He lied to me for our entire relationship.
He has two children he lied to me about. He told me they were step-kids but it turns out they're biologically his. He knew that.
I asked about them loads - he made up lies to cover the original lie.

We were due to get married in September.

Fuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 02:47

He's currently on the sofa.

I may have thrown his engagement ring at his head Blush

OP posts:
AmberNectarine · 08/05/2016 02:52

Oh Jesus OP, I know it's no help but you really are well off out of it.

wishiwasntme · 08/05/2016 03:03

Lol. It's not necessarily a bad thing to get angry. It beats crying, that's for sure. It probably doesn't feel like it atm, but it sounds like you've had a lucky escape.

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 03:04

Yeah, logically I know that.

But my head is all over the place. We were shopping for wedding rings earlier Sad

OP posts:
freeish · 08/05/2016 03:08

So sorry this has happened to you. I think it will take a while to process what has happened. The loss of trust. I have no answers but am also awake and sad. Thinking of you Flowers.

ConcreteUnderpants · 08/05/2016 03:10

Hugs.
(Have kept my engagement ring - intend to sell it and take the kids away to a B & B in the summer!Grin)
I totally get the anger thing. It helps me cope, although I find it very tiring. In fact it is the quiet times when I am feeding the baby which get to me.
Keep yourself busy - clean, browse ASOS, whatsapp people...anything to stop you thinking too much and potentially breaking
X

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 03:15

Have made myself a cuppa to try and stop the shaking.

I just don't get how someone can lie like that.

OP posts:
ConcreteUnderpants · 08/05/2016 03:18

Tell me about it!
Let me guess...directly to your face, time and time again?
Seriously something wrong with these people.

Custardo · 08/05/2016 03:24

what a strange thing to lie about - why did he lie?

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 03:24

Yep - and more lies to cover the original lie! He had everyone fooled.

OP posts:
Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 03:25

He says he was ashamed. He has 3 DC I know about and said he didn't think I'd have gotten with him if I knew about the others or some other bollocks.

OP posts:
AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 08/05/2016 03:26

you've had a lucky escape.
you just dodged the booby prize.
if he did it to his kids he'll do it again should you have had kids with him in the future.

MattDillonsPants · 08/05/2016 03:28

Flowers He will try to win you back OP but you mustn't cave. He's a man who ditched his own kids.

He'd do it again. :(

Ouriana · 08/05/2016 03:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 03:32

He's been trying to "explain".
Then he tried to guilt-trip me.
Then he got angry.
Then he moaned because I had the "audacity to kick him out of bed".

I have no intention of getting back with him. Ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 03:33

I'm going to my parents in a few days. I have to work in a few hours.

We rent and I only stayed here because of him, so I'm moving up north to be with my family.

OP posts:
GarlicShake · 08/05/2016 03:44

Shit, Hermione, that's bad. I'm so sorry your (ex) fiancé has turned out to be a complete weirdo! I can sort of imagine how you must feeling - the planet's shifted under your feet and you keep looking for explanations? It's crap. Have you got to go to work? It might be wiser to go and hole up somewhere friendly for a couple of days.

It's obviously best that you found this out now - and massive congratulations on sticking with the truth! Sure it doesn't feel like congrats are in order right now, but have them anyway. Or at least a sigh of relief.

Assault? Are you safe? Genuine question.

Plus - with every apology for raising more alarms while you're already poleaxed - this doesn't sound particularly like a man you should trust with your finances. Is your stuff secure on that front, or have you at least got copies of everything?

I know this is Mumsnet, but ((( xxx xxx )))

Bogeyface · 08/05/2016 03:45

5 kids in total, at least 2 of which that he dumped and then lied about? Dad of the year then?

Its horrible to be taken in but some people are just such accomplished liars that I think eventually they end up believing their own bullshit, which is why we end up believing them too. They are convincing because they have convinced themselves!

I know that it doesnt feel like it now but you are escaping a very painful future for you and any children you would have had with him. And you are absolutely doing the right thing. Many people find out these kind of lies and then stay with the person who lied to them, they make excuses, they want all the lies to be true so they stay and then get hurt beyond belief. You have had the sense to walk away, so be proud of that.

I have to say though, how on earth did he think that adopting 2 kids and abandoning them is better than biologically producing the kids and then abandoning them? If anything its worse, given what a person has to go through to adopt step children, its not as easy as the soaps would have you believe. And no one "loses touch" with their children, adopted or otherwise, unless they want to.

Bogeyface · 08/05/2016 03:47

Good Q about the assault.

What was the assault conviction for? If it was against an ex, be very fucking careful. Keep your phone on you at all times.

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 03:52

Thank you for talking to me Flowers

I'm safe. He said the assault charge is against a man but I don't know what to believe anymore.

I'm going to work as I have to hand in my notice.

OP posts:
Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 03:53

Our finances aren't linked and luckily I have decent savings. I will need to sort out bills etc. but I need to get away from here first.

OP posts:
goddessofsmallthings · 08/05/2016 03:55

Why is he on the sofa and not out of your home with the imprint of your Manolo up on his lying arse?

If he's lied about his dc and failed to disclose his criminal record, what else has he concealed? FGS don't fall for any more of his lies such as not telling you the truth because he got in deeper than he thought he would/thought you were too good for him/was too ashamed to tell you blah de blah coupled with copious tears and professions of undying love/now you know the slate can be wiped clean/fresh start and other such bolleaux.

This man isn't good enough for you. The way I see it is that your guardian angel has stepped in to prevent you making a huge mistake and when this occurs it means that there is a much better future in store than the one you would have had if you'd tied the knot with a proven liar.

It''ll take a while to process the shock of having your hopes, dreams, and happy plans turned to ashes in a matter of minutes. Make yourself a cuppa, or better still a cup of hot milk with a tot of scotch and a spoonful of sugar and be extra kind to yourself over the next few days.

Flowers Take heart - this too will pass and you will be stronger for it.

PS The engagement ring is yours to keep as a reminder of your lucky escape, or to sell and treat yourself to something that gives you more pleasure than him and his lies could ever do.

Italiangreyhound · 08/05/2016 03:56

So sorry about this. Thanks

Original poster
HermioneJeanGranger · 08/05/2016 04:00

All your nice words have made me cry, thank you.

I'm just in shock. But I feel quite practical so I'm hoping that stays until I go to my parents and then I can just collapse.

I've already heard the ashamed bollocks Hmm he told me he'd get on his knees and beg if that's what it took. The front of him is unbelievable.

OP posts:
SeafrontDreams · 08/05/2016 04:08

Sounds horrendous OP, what a shock for you.
If you feel like you need to know more about the assault, you can apply to know about his previous convictions under Clare's Law. It might help to know what sort of person he actually is, the truth and not whatever he has decided to tell you. There should be info on the website of your local force. Official name is the domestic violence disclosure scheme

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