How to set boundaries with overbearing in laws

[Fuzzywuzzywasabear]

This is probably pregnancy related anxiety but it's really bothering me...

In laws are indian and very traditional and sometimes (not sure if it's intentional) hurtfully dismissive of my British culture.

I'm NC with my DM, DGM and DB due to me being the family scapegoat and as a result have no ability to set healthy boundaries within any of my relationships.

I'm currently 6 months pregnant with our first baby and feel very anxious about the in laws taking over and not listening to me as our babies mother.

Last week we had dh's whole family around for dinner SIL insisted on speaking indian the entire time despite being asked to speak English repeatedly as 2nd SIL and myself are British and are excluded from the conversation when they all speak indian. -to clarify don't insist they all speak English all the time just when addressing everyone PIL often speak directly to dh in indian but English to me.

For dessert I served a pudding with a jug of custard on the table for everyone to help themselves to as much as they wanted MIL then insisted on serving everyone while explaining to SIL2 in their culture it's rude not to serve people.

This has really upset me as they were guests in my house at my table and I'm not from their culture, I don't feel they should impose their rules in my house, I'm very respectful of their culture but I feel they don't respect mine.

I know it's such a small thing but I feel like they will start to impose their views on our child and how I bring them up I'm already dreading the first few weeks of the baby being home as I'll have to deal with the family visiting and I only have dh in my corner as the rest of my family don't speak. :-(

Thank you Amy the article does resonate with me.

The realisation that my family is not normal is a relatively new one and I'm still processing it, learning to accept it and understand how so many of my behaviours are rooted in how they perceive and treat me.

This probably means I'm more sensitive to certain situations which is why I'm worried about over reacting I would like to assert myself while being polite but I'm not sure how so say nothing and feel upset by it?

It's good to get other people's perspectives on it thank you :-)

Oh - and don't forget if they don't mind upsetting you - you sure don't have to worry about upsetting them.

But be nice - and keep a pleasant distance - have your own friends and couple friends.

As a alight word of warning, my ex dh loved that I stood up to his family. Unfortunately, when push comes to shove, he sided with them. We are divorced now, and he takes the DC it visit them. Ds spent a week crying in agony with earache. Ex mil insisted it was nothing and applied her home remedy.

On return at LHR, ds hysterical with pain, straight to a&e- hideous ear infection and antibiotics etc. Still causing issues. Dh lamely said his DM knew best. Alrighty:(

You need to get MIL on side. I found in western India that age is an important part of how much power an individual has in the family. What's your relationship with her like? Do you ever just see her and not the others?

lavendarhoney.. Your bit about announcing your departure 30mins prior to leaving for the 'kissing' malarkey, cracked me up! I had to do the very same thing..even kissed the ice cream man once because he was an old friend of the family and was passing through..had never clapped eyes on him before, but of course I couldn't possibly embarrass 'the family' and just say goodbye eh?!

OP..I'm glad you put straight the cynics re your use of 'Indian' language..I knew it wouldn't be long before one of the 'vipers' came along to pick the post apart..

Amy. Thank you SO much for your marvellous post. So thoughtful and concise.

Thank you too for the shattering link. Painful reading - but 'good' pain, as they say. I identify with the 'invisible' theme entirely - and the confusion at deciphering 'normal' social invisibility against being treated badly/marginalised intentionally.

wow, op. Food for thought! Re our similar experiences re narc primary family, overbearing ILs from another culture. Perhaps the pain is panic: are we being invisibalised again; or is this run of the mill, so panic not.

We Brits know - or should know - how to defer to another's 'ways'; to smooth over unfamiliar customs. Perhaps those skills just aren't present in some cultures where customs are so deeply ingrained they can't see beyond them. Just as Eg we (or I) blanch when someone licks a knife at the table, I can't help but see it as rude. I know, rationally, they don't mean to be rude but my cultural conditioning goes deep and I struggle to see beyond it (same with please and thankyou). Perhaps MIL leaping up to serve the custard was a similar thing - she couldn't cope with what she perceived as the rudeness of it and perhaps doesn't have the (british?) skill of gliding over it.

I wore out my voice repeating over and over to my ILs things like 'oh well, in england we do it this/that way, how funny that different countries do things differently ' (laying it on with a trowel!). Completely went nowhere, mind. But I was so confused that they would deride me and my ways when we were all living in MY country'!

Perhaps our ILs also expect us, the woman, to defer to our husbands' customs in the home. A little pocket of 'India' on a British shore.

But eventually I got tough with my ILs. Gone was the tinkery laugh.

I think this is a lot of fuss over serving custard. The older woman probably didn't realise she was upsetting you, she was just explaining about their culture. The first or second post after your OP was someone suggesting you buy a book called "toxic in laws" FFS! And I think you need to learn more about their culture if you think Indian is a language!

springy you made a very racist comment on P.2

Nana you need to reread the thread I explained my use of the generic term indian on page 2.

I've seen no racist comments on this thread

Thank you for the replies Lavander and springy

I really would try to talk and hopefully get your MIL on your side. Have a quiet chat, tell her how you felt, and how you feel your culture is being attacked (it may just never have occurred to her). Do also ask her for a few key phrases, and get your DH to give you a few too (maybe he could give you the swear words/forceful phrases).

Are you getting any counselling for your family background issues? I would highly recommend this especially as you are pregnant and child birth can bring a lot of issues to the surface.

Will your child be the first grandchild?

Hi mummy,

I've tried to get dh to teach me some bits over the years I know spices and fruit/veg but it's more of a game between us than to help me with his family he always says they can all speak good English so they should make an effort to be polite.

He's not planning on teaching the baby as we have no real involvement in the community outside of PIL/SIL so I don't think he sees it as important that I learn anything either?

I tend not to spend any time alone with Mil so it maybe difficult to talk to her but maybe dh could help with that?

This is not their first grandchild but will be the first mixed race grandchild - I worry how our child will feel if they continue to ignore my/our background and if the other fully indian children will be favoured some how?

I've not seen a councillor but have recently felt more and more like it's something I should do the whole pregnancy has brought up a lot of feelings and issues and I'm very anxious regarding my ability to parent given my version of a normal family and exacerbated by a feeling that decisions I do make maybe ignored or steam rollered by the in laws.

I really would recommend it, seeing a counsellor. So many people find that stuff they had no idea was there resurfaces when they become parents.

Well, I've trawled through p2 and can't find a racist comment, let alone a very racist comment.

If you mean 'fuck off then' because my ILs consistently insulted my culture, while living here then I felt the same about the influx of Londoners to my city who constantly sneered at 'our ways' . I quietly grumbled 'fuck off back to London then if you find us so ridiculous'

springy..You made no racist comments at all..I was going to point that out to NN..but I thought I'd let you do it

Really? I reckon "speaking Indian" is a pretty racist thing to say- even when followed by the strong explanation.

But hey, what do I know? I only speak European........

Strange, not strong. I don't even speak European very well.......

It's not racist don't be ridiculous, it could be considered ignorant but as I explained I have my reasons for keeping it generic which are personal and not in the least bit strange or relavant to the issue.

I'm not sure why I'm even bothering to continue justifying myself to people who are just trolling the forum looking to pick arguments rather than provide constructive opinions and advice.

the majority of us are good 'uns though.

have you got any nice friends? And have you joined the nct to meet other pregnant women? You might get on well with someone- and I do suggest a baby group- not for the baby for you! he/ she can just sit on your lap whilst you chat about all things baby. You will need to hear others advice/ stories and make up your own mind with your dh about how to manage a baby:)

there are good threads on here, are you on the one for your due date? I found them incredibly helpful.

Don't isolate yourself because you will have your own ways of doing things, and sometimes family don't like it. You will need the outlet to chat and get away. Also- and I mean this nicely - make sure you and dh / baby have a social life outside family, doing things together, making parenting friends.

Your dh family may be surprised to learn he doesn't plan to teach the baby his family language - they will almost certainly do so- just smile and let your dh deal with this. My ex dh really cba to do it, which is a shame. And my fault, of course ( sighs) just present a united front always.

fuzzy don't rise to the unhelpful posts just ignore them.

It is a minefield managing IL relationships when everyone speaks the same language (just look at all the AIBU MIL threads!) never mind when cultural differences and expectations are added to the mix.

The way to navigate them is to have a baseline of what is acceptable to you in your own home and expect basic respect as a minimum. That becomes your boundary. You should expect to offer them the same in their own homes. People find these conversations very difficult but they needn't be. There is absolutely no reason for one culture to trump another. It is entirely possible to have a blend of traditions that work together.

It's a good time to start setting expectations now before the baby arrives. Start with your husband though and make sure you are on the same page as far as his family are concerned. If you are united they won't get very far because they won't have much room to manoeuvre.

If they aren't being considerate to you don't feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them. You have to remember that you have equal worth to everyone else.

Your fear of the fully indian grandchildren being favoured may be valid and they may try that if they are horrible people but you have to decide now if it comes to that is it really a loss? Are you really missing anything by not having people like that in your children's lives? If you are prepared and something happens then you are in a better place to deal with it and not just react out of shock.

Yes OP I saw your explanations of why you used term "Indian" to describe your ILs language but I don't buy it frankly. First you say you used the term Indian for ease of explanation - it would have been just as easy to name their language, then you say you don't want to out them or you - but you've given enough detail without naming the language they speak.

And if you care to look at Springys post of 8th May where she expresses indignation at people of other cultures living here and criticising us (white UK) I assume...............then fuck off. ok so she didn't say fuck off back to where you came from but the inference is clear.

Thanks for the nice replies ladies,

I've signed up for nct classes and I'm looking at baby classes/ groups in the local area

I've also found a local charity that runs discounted councilling as I can't afford to go otherwise although I may try my gp first but he's a bit old school so he probably won't agree to it?

Try your GP anyway, no harm in asking is there?

I also thought brass was going to leave with her opinions. What happened there?!

Careful of trolls who pretend to give good advise!

This is not their first grandchild but will be the first mixed race grandchild - I worry how our child will feel if they continue to ignore my/our background and if the other fully indian children will be favoured some how?

All this based on pouring of custard! Wow. If you go into relationships with expectations that are negative, you will mostly get negative back.

You also say you are not going to try to teach your husbands mother tongue to your children. I presume this will extend to 'culture' too. So now you have already made a decision where your inlaws are naturally likely to have more affinity towards the children who are not mixed. Don't you see?! It's human nature. We tend to like more the people who are similar to us...

I am not suggesting you teach your kids the language but it would be such a loss to them if you do not teach them where they come from... Half of their culture.