Massive argument

[ammature]

Please help, i feel totally crushed. I have a 12 week old baby I'm a FTM and have no family here. My DM is dead and so have limited support. The baby is generally not much trouble but giving background. My DH is amazing with him and they are have a great bond. We have argued in the past and went to counselling for a few sessions with relate whilst pregnant as we had a big row while Pg but things have been good and we are generally very happy and in love since DS came along. Fast forward to Sunday night, i had my first night out and first proper time apart from DS who is EBF. DH came to pub with me and i did a feed at 8 and he left and i was home by 11 so not very long. I text DH a few times asking for an update and when he replied eventually he said baby wouldnt settle, only took 2 oz of ebm and was screaming. I immediately replied I'm leaving now and got up to go, tbh we were all done by then so went to get cab, nightmare as BH, got one but was hyper with worry. He called and said its fine now and i asked about food he said ill tell you when you get home. Got home ran upstairs DS sound asleep, then looked of DH he came out of the loo said everything was fine. I admit i over reacted, it was my first time away from my son since he was born and i was so worried. I had a bit of a go about the lack of text messages and i was told off for sending "short" messages, he said you don't trust me with the baby. I said i did, which i fully do but felt i was having a normal maternal response. Anyways we argued and it go out of hand with my husband really loosing it, he called me a fucking bitch and said he regrets ever marrying me. I was so hurt i took to the bedroom and he went to the bathroom crying. He was clearly really upset and he apologised profusely and said he didn't mean it but i was really hurt and said well it had to come from somewhere. He locked himself in the bathroom and i could hear him crying so i went down and made him sweet tea and gave it to him, he threw it away. and we bickered again. went to bed, we slept apart for the first time ever. I know i shouted and thats his absolute red flag, i need to try harder not to but it was a mess. in the morning i brought him a cuppa and the baby for a cuddle and he said he felt awful very ashamed etc we did hug but things were cool and at 4pm he went off to work away, he's back tonight at 8 and we have argued on the phone and by text. i feel totally alone and hurt and he's cold with me. I said i love you and he said my comments were glib and he didn't feel like communicating with me. He said he's dreading coming home and is only doing so out of responsibility for our son. I said i had looked at flights to my home country and he rang and accused me of kidnapping the child and that if i took him out the country without his permission there would be consequences. i can't believe he thinks so little of me. I meant to go home for a few days to clear the air, and frankly i couldnt face travelling even if i wanted to go but the thought that he would think this of me. i said i felt he might leave me and he rationalised that he wouldnt because he wouldn't see his son. Nothing about me, love our relationship etc. I feel despondent and he has made an appointment for tomorrow for the relate councillor again, i think he won't talk to me until we are with her and i feel he's using her as a referee.
Obviously he has his own version of events but i feel really worried for the future of our marriage and feel totally heartbroken. Thanks if you've read this far.

springy I agree with you that any new mum should get a free pass in a situation like the OPs - but that doesn't mean her DP was trying to put her through something, or that he is a heel if he doesn't 'get it' first time. My DP looked at me like I was insane when I literally couldn't breathe with yes, rather irrational PFB fears and anxieties of every variety. He didn't initially know - though soon learnt - that I needed information if he was doing childcare and would turn into a lunatic if I didn't get it. He simply didn't understand. I think the OP's DP is behaving like a human being with flaws and also like a man who has a bit to learn about new mums. Not like someone who has a grand plan for making his partner suffer. At all.

We're saying the same thing about that incident goneto

I don't think I'm an anxious mum but i defo was deeply stressed, i think it has to do with being the food source. The text said he was refusing the bottle and screaming, it just pinged up all my instincts and I knew i had had a bit too much to drink to feed from the breast all sorts going through my head.

I think my DH didn't understand and i think some of the stuff i was saying was along the lines of you can never understand this..

I'm not saying you were wrong at all, OP, but at the same time he's under no obligation to behave any better than you...and could have felt excluded/shamed/demoted/criticised/patronised...my DP hates feeling like he's being ticked off, told he's no good at something etc and he was terrified I would decide he was 'not needed' or a bother when I had a baby in my arms. I don't know why but it was a vulnerable time for him. I just remember we were both sleep deprived, emotionally drained, vulnerable and over-reacting - very hard and not the time to make character judgements about each other or to start reading motives into behaviour.

If he says he needs to feel heard, I would make sure you listen and make sure he knows you've listened (and obviously going the other way too). And just hold steady really. If there's a problem there will still be a problem in six months and you'll be better equipped to overreact to it then, if you know what I mean!

it just pinged up all my instincts

I think most, if not all, mothers will relate to that

It is certainly not worthy of you being frantic or having a go at DH if you fed your 12 week old baby at 8, you got home just before 11am and in between that time he took 2oz.

And yes you are the food source but 12 wk old does not need constant feeding - and do not underestimate the importance of baby spending time with dad when you are not there.

NoMud - are you op's dh

a tad rational there I feel

THe baby needs to be fed before he sleeps for the night that's fairly important, he's also been fed to sleep every night and was distressed and screaming. The baby spends time with his dad without me I would like more Tbh but my husband is busy. I obviously didn't plan on being frantic or think it was worthwhile it was instinctual.

Why do I feel totally judged for what was a natural maternal response? To worry that my little baby was confused and distressed about a change to his bedtime routein. I had been told he was yet I should have shrugged it off because he was fed 3 hours previous? Breastfeeding is more then just food and my baby is used to being fed to sleep should I just tell him not to cry or be upset because he's not meant to be?! As someone said previous I'm just not quite ready yet for a night out like this one and I know that now.

Not everyone is judging you op.

Thanks springy

Well done for going out - you wouldn't have known unless you tried. And all is well with your baby.

It's long ago, but I remember how you felt. It puts me in mind of my dreams during the first few months after DC1 was born - whatever I was dreaming about, there he was in his cot in the corner of my dream. A constant part of me.

Wishing you a good night's sleep.

gonetosee
"you don't have a right to be throwing your judgement around"
"OP, stop listening to strangers on the Internet"
Ah, so you're the only stranger on the Internet with the right to an opinion?!

I'm talking in generalities and urging counselling for professional advice Emma. You're probing for more information then attributing motives, making character judgments and making a negative evaluation of the OP's dp. Not the same thing at all but doubtless you wouldn't see that.

Op, it wasn't my intention to judge you at all. New mums can do what they like as far as I'm concerned. I was just saying that we can't expect your dp to 'get that' and he probably has insecurities and stresses of his own. Which I don't know about but which you should explore.

Rubbish night sleep baby woke every 2 hours which is unlike him. I'm wrecked.dh took him at 5am thankfully. Another argument in bed I tried to take some of the advise and it back fired I asked him what had really upset him that night and he said the implication he couldn't mind the baby.

I explained that it was just about me needing more texts because i was anxious and that I didn't express myself properly and was unfair to him. I should have Left it because he got really upset again saying we were arguing and he didn't want to be told he had to text me etc. I explained it was a need for all the reasons discussed on here but he said it's a want and he won't do it. He got really upset and then turned over the go to sleep even accusing me of being on his side of the bed- ie don't be anywhere near me.

This morning I tried talking but he's so fragile was crying Again I just need to let everything go. I don't feel he can cope with normal discussions and frames every thing as conflict.

Ah, so your opinion is superior

Unfortunate cross post.

OP, sorry you argued again. It seems to me that your husband is refusing to respect your needs and wants. I don't see why he can't text you a bit more if that will ease your anxieties. If he gets upset every time you ask him to do something or explain how you feel, that's not exactly conducive to successful communication or a healthy relationship, is it?! He gets upset pretty often for someone who is "rational" and not emotional. (FWIW I think that's not a helpful distinction and we are all capable of being both, albeit some to more degrees than others.)

I think it was pretty unkind of your husband to not reply to your messages except for one response that said the baby was screaming and not feeding. He could and should have been more reassuring. Even just a simple 'all is fine, don't worry I've got it' would have been so much better (as the baby was actually fine)
It was also totally out of order for him to call OP a fucking bitch.
I actually think it is very telling that both times he has requested to go see a counsellor to help him get his complaints across and both times the counsellor has actually focused on the OPs issues and complaints and advised the husband on how to improve. Very telling.

I just feel like on the one hand he's at his lowest ebb and I feel awful but on the other I can't seem to Talk to him because everything just starts him off. The result is just brushing things under the carpet and gets us know where. I can't even point out that he's getting plenty of space to express himself in the relationship or he will be upset. Feel like he needs the councillor to tell him that I'm totally wrong. He so far hasn't really done anything that she's asked him to do as far as reassuring me goes.

Just wondering aloud really, but could he be a narcissist??

" Entitlement. Narcissists often expect preferential treatment from others. They expect others to cater (often instantly) to their needs, without being considerate in return. In their mindset, the world revolves around them."

" Negative Emotions. Many narcissists enjoy spreading and arousing negative emotions to gain attention, feel powerful, and keep you insecure and off-balance. They are easily upset at any real or perceived slights or inattentiveness. They may throw a tantrum if you disagree with their views, or fail to meet their expectations. They are extremely sensitive to criticism, and typically respond with heated argument (fight) or cold detachment (flight). On the other hand, narcissists are often quick to judge, criticize, ridicule, and blame you. Some narcissists are emotionally abusive. By making you feel inferior, they boost their fragile ego, and feel better about themselves."

From 10 signs you're in a relationship with a narcissist

No I really don't think so. I wonder could he be depressed? I've never seen him so tearful and low. I think he may have had suicidal thoughts. He just can't take any kind of discussion at all and things everything is an argument. I worried when we had the baby that he had too much on his plate with the studying, baby, me and work. He's not had time for exercise etc

If you think he's depressed, you should encourage him to see his GP. You could even offer to go with him if you think he might like you to.

If he is depressed, he needs professional help. He will also need your support. But depression or other mental health issues should not be a free pass for him to treat you badly.