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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners at weddings to seat or not to seat..... that's the question

92 replies

Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 11:48

My DS is getting married in 2 weeks I'm divorced from his dad. Invited me round last night to help with seating plans (which they obviously already decided) it was more to let me see that his dads partner is sitting at the top table...eek! One unhappy mum they predicted correctly😥 I know it's they're decision but his dad and partner live abroad and have done nothing to help me bring up our kids more like make it worse. They even have had problems with them ending up not speaking to them themselves at times. I am civil to them at functions but I guess I feel really hurt deep down that they are making out she is so special as to have her on the top table. I don't have a partner and told them if I did I wouldn't expect him to be there either, it's traditionally for the parents and makes me feel he's putting a lot of emphasis on will I be civil to her rather than remembering I bought all 5 of them up alone and not giving an iota about how I feel, and yes I'm close to my son that's what makes it sadder. Am I wrong to feel so deeply hurt by his decision to play happy families with her?..... maybe she gave him a big fat cheque!

OP posts:

Sixweekstowait · 03/05/2016 18:23

FFS - how exactly is op going to ruin it for them?

WombatStewForTea · 03/05/2016 18:27

*but he seems more than happy to risk a big fall out with you

I think you DS and his DFiancee are being disloyal and spineless and l would be telling them that*

Sod that! It's their day and they can have whoever they bloody want at the top table. If has nothing to do with your feelings so suck it up.

You have zero say in their decisions and it's selfish of you to make your feelings clear to them (not selfish to think it, just selfish to let them know).

I have the opposite problem in that my mum thinks her new husband should be on my top table and my new (very young) step siblings can sit with my family. They're newly married. She can jog on. My day. My seating plan!

FetchezLaVache · 03/05/2016 18:31

apparently she was happy to sit elsewhere if it was easier for everyone but it's them that are saying they want her

And that, OP, is your answer. It's their wedding, it's not about you.

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 18:31

I'm not sure I understand the problem with her being on the top table. I understand the Dad has been an absent idiot but what's the problem with the girlfriend?

When I got married, 11 years ago now, I had to go through all of this. Both my parents had remarried. Etiquette advice seemed to suggest the right thing was for everyone to be on the top table so that's what we did.

This day isn't about you or your feelings. If it was an OW I'd perhaps understand, but otherwise I think you just need to get on with it, for your son's sake.

I'm fully expecting my sons' stepmother to be on the top tables if/when they get married - and she was the OW.

CharlieSierra · 03/05/2016 18:46

These days when so many families are not straightforward many people don't have a traditional top table for just this reason. I love what an earlier poster said about her parents being kind to each other on the day. DD is getting married soon and I am divorced, I have promised myself that I will do nothing to hurt her and make anything difficult for her at all, it's not her fault we are divorced. I'll even dance with him if she wants me to.

LosingTheWillToSkate · 03/05/2016 19:45

I think as difficult as it may be, you have to remember that it isn't about you. It's about your child. And if they want their dad and his partner at the top table then that's what they want.

Don't turn it into an uncomfortable situation for them. It's a few hours of your life.

EllaHen · 03/05/2016 20:17

It never occurred to us to put either of Dh's parents' spouses at the top table. One had been remarried almost 30 years, the other 15 years.

I wonder if it caused bad feeling - nothing has ever been said.

I can understand your hurt Dizzy. I guess, sometimes, people just don't think.

This is the first wedding they are organising I take it. We all make mistakes. Your son may one day regret this decision.

Original poster

Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 20:46

That's why I'm saying just keep it simple to parents and best man only why expand maybe I haven't been to many weddings and this is the fallout of divorced parents ..... thanks for your support

OP posts:

Fourormore · 03/05/2016 20:49

So that's what you'd do if it was your top table. But this isn't.

Perhaps they are hoping you and your ex can put aside your differences for one day to celebrate the marriage of your child? I'm sure the last thing they want to be reminded about on their wedding day is the complexities of divorce.

Original poster

Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 20:56

Thank you I won't!

OP posts:

StillAwakeAndItIsLate · 04/05/2016 05:26

When my children get married, I will expect them to make their own decisions about who they invite to their wedding and where they sit, and I will just accept this. It's their day.

There are too many families who think their opinion counts in these matters.

Just as a cautionary tale, my parents were divorced. My dad remarried. I was never particularly enamoured with my dad's wife (we were incredibly 'incompatible' as people), but she was my dad's wife and mostly civil. So we all got along well enough.

My mother, on the other hand, made ridiculous demands and behaved appallingly over the years.

When I got married, I didn't even invite her so that she didn't have chance to spoil things for everyone.

CharlieSierra · 04/05/2016 06:08

There are too many families who think their opinion counts in these matters

There are also a lot of people who show no kindness and consideration towards other people's feelings. And others who didn't have families like yours and who value the opinion and feelings of their families. In this case a decision has been made and the OP will put her son first and suck it up. On the other hand the bride and groom had a number of options and have decided on the one which is difficult for her and will make her day just a little bit less enjoyable. It's not wrong of her to feel hurt about it.

flowery · 04/05/2016 08:21

Having a problem with the unsupportive ex husband I can understand.

Having a problem with someone who was the OW and instrumental in the marriage breaking up I can understand.

Having a problem with someone who has apparently done nothing wrong at all baffles me.

But I'm sure the OP will be supportive of her son and not give him extra stress by letting him know how she feels.

Summerlovinf · 04/05/2016 08:39

I think it would be weird if your ex's partner didn't sit with him. Everyone will be looking at the bride and groom anyway and will probably hardly notice who else is at the top table unless you make a big drama out of it. Most people will know your the mother and those who don't will work it out pretty easily.

Original poster

Dizzydi1234 · 08/06/2016 18:29

Hi all! Thank you all for your opinions/advice, I was never going to 'make a fuss' or make an issue of it as I think some people thought, just wanted a girlie chat lol well we had a brilliant day altogether, so perfect! And in church I asked OW if my fascinator was straight which of course I knew it was lol that showed I was going to have a brilliant day with no hitches on my part at least...... shame we can't Show photos on here but then it's just somebody else's wedding, yawn! Other son in September so looking forward to it too 😀 thanks again for your input ladies!! xx

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 08/06/2016 19:44

Glad it went well.

ladylambkin · 08/06/2016 20:17

Glad to see your update ☺

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