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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partners at weddings to seat or not to seat..... that's the question

92 replies

Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 11:48

My DS is getting married in 2 weeks I'm divorced from his dad. Invited me round last night to help with seating plans (which they obviously already decided) it was more to let me see that his dads partner is sitting at the top table...eek! One unhappy mum they predicted correctly😥 I know it's they're decision but his dad and partner live abroad and have done nothing to help me bring up our kids more like make it worse. They even have had problems with them ending up not speaking to them themselves at times. I am civil to them at functions but I guess I feel really hurt deep down that they are making out she is so special as to have her on the top table. I don't have a partner and told them if I did I wouldn't expect him to be there either, it's traditionally for the parents and makes me feel he's putting a lot of emphasis on will I be civil to her rather than remembering I bought all 5 of them up alone and not giving an iota about how I feel, and yes I'm close to my son that's what makes it sadder. Am I wrong to feel so deeply hurt by his decision to play happy families with her?..... maybe she gave him a big fat cheque!

OP posts:
JapanNextYear · 03/05/2016 13:57

I don't expect I'll be at 'top table' if any of my Step children get married, DH has been a super involved dad and I imagine him and his ex will be up there if there is a top table. And that'll be fine.

But I think that it's your son's choice, he's trying to balance different priorities, you can't help how you feel, but just concentrate of looking fabulous and having a lovely day.

It;s not a prize, it's just table settings!

IslaSinga · 03/05/2016 14:01

Can you speak to your ds and explain how hurt you are feeling and will they reconsider?

InternationalHouseofToast · 03/05/2016 14:05

Please keep focusing on your DS. And if his fiance has parents who are still married, thank your lucky stars. From experience, 2 sets of divorced parents are hellish to arrange at a wedding. I would be the bigger person with this. So long as you're not sitting on the same side as your ex, so it's not groom, you, XH, his partner etc. I'd live with it for the day. And find out more about the people you'll be sitting next to, so you have lots to talk to them about on the day and you have no need to even look across as your ex.

At least with them being abroad there's no chance of his new partner having bought the same dress as you (as happened at my sister's graduation with DM and DSM). There was a fair bit of tongue biting and "ooh coincidence!" comments that day.

You are the mother of the groom - get thee a big hat and a wow frock and work that role. Your exh is not, and will have little to say about his DS if asked about him by other guests. Remind yourself of that and go out and tell people how proud you are of your DS and chuck in loads of "when he was in the scouts" type annecdotes which your ex can't provide.

Original poster
Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 14:15

Maybe I'm thinking why they would do it when they haven't liked her much in the past, if it doesn't matter where people sit then why is it important to have her at the top peeps? Maybe some agenda I'm feeling I'll get over it and be all smiles, wedding plans suck!

OP posts:
flowery · 03/05/2016 14:21

Rather than think of why would they do it, think why would they not? Surely there needs to be a reason for separating her out and seating her away from her partner, and in circumstances where it doesn't sound like she's done anything particularly wrong (or certainly nothing more wrong that her partner has), surely there's no reason to do that?

If the split were reasonably recent and she was the OW I could absolutely understand it.

CatCoriander · 03/05/2016 14:27

One of the most generous things my parents ever did for me was speak to each other for the first time in 15 years in the run up to my wedding and be kind and generous to each other on the day. I know they were both dreading it but they made an effort for me and my DH and 4 years later this thaw in relations still makes me both relieved and happy. I see them both as bigger and better people now.

Viewofhedges that is one of the nicest posts I have read in a long time, and I shall bear it in mind when my step son gets married in December. Smile

Kidnapped · 03/05/2016 14:31

OP, if you had a partner then obviously he would be invited to sit top table with you.

Are any of your own friends invited? Not to sit at the top table of course but someone you can sit and have a laugh with afterwards? Otherwise your own other 4 kids will be there? I think most of your children will be feeling a bit awkward about having their father who wasn't around growing up there, so make sure that all of you have a nice time together, whilst still being polite to the ex.

You can do it.

SleepingTiger · 03/05/2016 14:43

The 'top table' is there for a reason. It isnt to place the favourite relationship and/or current partner. It's not a 'favourites' table. if etiquette was that outdated fireside there would be no top table, no marriage ceremony. It's lack of brains/balls.

firesidechat · 03/05/2016 14:51

Sleepingexplain why a traditional top table is so important. It certainly isn't on a par with the marriage ceremony which as a Christian who has been married for 32 years I consider very important. It's just where people sit to eat a celebratory meal.

In previous generations parents were less likely to be divorced and more likely to have paid for the wedding, which is why they had pride of place. Times have changed and I suspect that my youngest daughter will go with a non traditional top table because her partner has divorced parents and their partners to deal with. It doesn't matter to me one bit that I won't be sat at the same table as my daughter and her husband for one day.

Ruthiesj · 03/05/2016 15:13

Way to make this wedding about you OP! Modern families can be messy and complicated. Weddings throw extra light on this and pose additional challenges to brides and grooms with divorced parents.

Your DS and his fiancée will have had to take a number of difficult decisions, and I think it's unreasonable of you to expect them to come up with solutions that will equally please all guests (which is impossible). For whatever reason, they have decided they would like his DF and partner at the top table. It's their wedding and their decision. It hasn't been done to spite you. You should respect their decision even if you aren't happy with it. I repeat, their decision is not about you!

Ilovenannyplum · 03/05/2016 15:21

And it's exactly this reason that when I get married in a few months, we're having a top table for 2.

My mum and Dad are divorced, my mum and step dad are now divorced, my MIL is divorced from my DP's dad, they all have new partners apart from my mum so she'd be the odd one out and it would be awkward.
I would need a huge top table to include everyone and to save offending anyone, it's just DP and I and everyone else sat at a 'normal' table

Original poster
Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 15:24

That's it most them will be wondering why she's there, its not supposed to be for partners it's for blood relatives who traditionally will have been a part of your life, the head bridesmaid has been taken off her place so she's now with her boyfriend over exs partner, think it odd somehow

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 15:25

I can't see why all these partners need to be included that's all, I certainly wouldn't be bothered if I sat elsewhere

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 03/05/2016 15:34

But that's you - not them. They've made a decision, you have to respect that (with a smile on your face).

willconcern · 03/05/2016 15:54

I don't think most people will wonder why she's there (by which I presume you mean at the top table, not at the wedding at all?). Most of them will just see bride & groom and their parents plus partners. I wouldn't really think about it.

Many of them may look and be impressed that you can all be so adult. Others may not even question.

There is no right or wrong answer. If you look on wedding advice websites, there are a number of ways to seat everyone.

In the nicest possible way, OP, I think you're the one here with an issue. The fact that your DS has asked you over and questioned whether you will make a scene speaks volumes - he must think that you might do just that.

flowery · 03/05/2016 15:57

"its not supposed to be for partners it's for blood relatives who traditionally will have been a part of your life"

Who says? The top table is surely for whoever the bride and groom want to include? You may not see why partners "need to be included", but perhaps your son and his fiancée don't see why partners should be excluded? Surely in the absence of a reason to exclude someone, including them is better and nicer?

Unicow · 03/05/2016 15:57

As a child of divorced parents it is a nightmare with this stuff. Whatever you do someone gets upset. We don't want to upset you we just want a wedding without a fight. It is easier to sit her there than answer all the questions you would get if you didn't. I would do the same in his shoes.

I spent my wedding scared that various step family would kick off. I verbally warned both sets of parents that they would be removed if they started. I also had two kick ass bridesmaids looking out for signs of trouble and willing to remove people! It breaks my heart that I had to do this but I got so much grief and guilt laid on me that I had no choice.

Divorce makes weddings really damn hard. Please for the sake of your son support him. Let him know you can put your differences aside for one day. Tell him you are a bit sad but you love him his decision is fine by you. Trust me he will love and respect you far more for not making this all any harder. You are free to ignore anyone you don't want to engage with. Just be there for your son. It's is his and his wife to be's day.

Original poster
Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 16:59

Actually Willconcern there was no mention of a scene in my post and if anyone has his partner badly upset one if my daughter's at this said brides 21st! I let it go .... and said bride had a row with her cousin at her grandads wedding, these things happen at wedding sometimes and I certainly won't be the first to start anything. My only issue is its a bit hypercritical all being said and the best man's partner is not on the top table we've known her years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 17:05

I certainly won't give either of them a hard time before or at the wedding that's why I came here to listen to some viewpoints to help me out which you have done most generously, thanks 😀

OP posts:
iloveberries · 03/05/2016 17:26

You're invited to someone's wedding... They've told you the table plans.

Remember it's their day - suck it up and enjoy it. You'll add extra stress and look like the difficult parent if you do anything else - especially as their stepmum was happy to sit wherever they wanted her to.

The only thing people will think is that it's nice that the grooms DAds partner hasn't been snubbed.

Ignore people who are telling you to ask them to reconsider.... You'll become the classic MIL nightmare!

iloveberries · 03/05/2016 17:26

Sorry! Just seen you most recent post!

iloveberries · 03/05/2016 17:28

I don't think it's hypocritical to not have best mans partner.... Besides she probably knows loads of people. As a several times maid of honour and partner of best man id rather not be on top table to be honest!

RortyCrankle · 03/05/2016 17:56

I would forget it and if I were you I would now concentrate on looking for the most drop dead gorgeous outfit and accessories I could find, book your hair appointment and go for a make-up makeover so that you knock their eyes out with how stunning you look. Smile

Sixweekstowait · 03/05/2016 18:02

No you are not wrong to be deeply hurt. You brought 5 of them up? You're not suggesting for one minute that you'll be anything other than well behaved - but I love the suggestion of the best mans speech paying special tribute to you as should your sons speech

NellysKnickers · 03/05/2016 18:15

I hate to say it OP but you sound exactly like my mum at my wedding over 10 years ago. We very nearly called the whole thing off, I had to tell my dad's partner she couldn't come. I still get upset thinking about it all now, I knew she was hurting but it was my wedding day. Please don't ruin it for them. Put your big girl pants on, look fab and have a nice day.