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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partners at weddings to seat or not to seat..... that's the question

92 replies

Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 11:48

My DS is getting married in 2 weeks I'm divorced from his dad. Invited me round last night to help with seating plans (which they obviously already decided) it was more to let me see that his dads partner is sitting at the top table...eek! One unhappy mum they predicted correctly😥 I know it's they're decision but his dad and partner live abroad and have done nothing to help me bring up our kids more like make it worse. They even have had problems with them ending up not speaking to them themselves at times. I am civil to them at functions but I guess I feel really hurt deep down that they are making out she is so special as to have her on the top table. I don't have a partner and told them if I did I wouldn't expect him to be there either, it's traditionally for the parents and makes me feel he's putting a lot of emphasis on will I be civil to her rather than remembering I bought all 5 of them up alone and not giving an iota about how I feel, and yes I'm close to my son that's what makes it sadder. Am I wrong to feel so deeply hurt by his decision to play happy families with her?..... maybe she gave him a big fat cheque!

OP posts:

randomsabreuse · 03/05/2016 12:26

I have divorced parents. We had a top table with just parents and bridesmaids and best man sat on tables with people their own age so they had the opportunity to have fun rather than be with the boring grown ups.

Given your ex's partner will not know anyone else, isn't likely to be the same age as a potential group where else would they put her?

Original poster

Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 12:29

Haha and as someone suggested wear the biggest white frothy dress I can find...obvious jokes! Thanks for advice strangers can be the best help, love you all!

OP posts:

CodyKing · 03/05/2016 12:36

I think it's sad - and mean

My father wasn't invited to any of our weddings - because he lived abroad and took no notice of us kids -

I wouldn't do that to my mother!!

So this is just another poke in the eye!!

Original poster

Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 12:38

She knows everyone at the wedding actually if it was me I would decline so as not to upset the groom's mum?

OP posts:

Original poster

Dizzydi1234 · 03/05/2016 12:41

Thanks Codyking I'm not getting the happy families bit either 😥

OP posts:

flowery · 03/05/2016 12:41

I must be missing something. How is it "mean"? OP will be sat at top table - hasn't been downgraded to make room or anything. I'm sure if OP had a partner he would also be sat at top table with her. OP's ex's new partner was not involved in their split so no reason to 'punish' her.

I genuinely don't want to detract from any upset but I am just struggling to understand what the reason would be for sitting this lady away from her partner.

inlectorecumbit · 03/05/2016 12:44

she may be part of the family but "their" part of the family have been largely absent and uninvolved in OP's DC's life. So why should she be given the privilege of sitting at the top table when the grooms DF has been little short of a sperm donor?

Dizzydi1234 l get you

flowery · 03/05/2016 12:48

But why is it her fault and only her that should be banished elsewhere? Surely that is more the fault of the groom's father??

If there is a decision made to allocate top table seats based on who has been the most involved/supportive over the years, then why sit this lady elsewhere and keep the father (who had the responsibilities, not her) at top table?

seoulsurvivor · 03/05/2016 12:49

It's not how the OP views the relationship that's important though. It's how her son does, however unfair it may seem.

LizardBreath · 03/05/2016 12:56

We had problems with who to have on top table, so we didn't have any family on there just bridesmaids, best man and master of ceremony. Maybe that would work better here?

My mil massively kicked off the week before the wedding (despite having known seating plan for a year) and I haven't forgotten in. You sound awful op, what does it matter where you sit? You are there to celebrate the marriage. Please do not say anything to your son.

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2016 12:58

I'll be in a similar position if my children ever marry and it's something I've had to think about quite a lot, because the new wife is the OW. I think it's your son's day and whatever he wants goes. It's certainly not worth making an issue of it. Just be civil on the day and make sure you're not alone with either your ex or his partner. Big smiles all day - the cameras will pick up your sidelong glare, otherwise! The fact is that your son knows you've always been there for him and it's likely he's trying to normalise things by pretending he has a father who gives a damn. Just look your best and avoid them as much as you can. I hope you all have a lovely day.

MyKingdomForBrie · 03/05/2016 12:59

She wasn't the OW. Just let it go and decide to be happy for your son and not feel snubbed by it.

AlwaysDancing1234 · 03/05/2016 12:59

I get why you are upset but weddings are a nightmare to plan when your parents aren't together and you've got stepfamily to consider.
I totally understand why it's upset you but I expect it's more out of "where else would we seat her" rather than "she's so important we must have her on top table" kind of thinking (I've not explained myself well but hope you get the drift!)

Chlobee87 · 03/05/2016 13:06

I think a lot of these comments are focusing on the relationship between the OP and her exH. OK, he's a shit. OK, he doesn't deserve to be recognised as an equal to OP in parenting terms. None of that actually matters. The top table is just tradition. Nobody is using it as a 'who's who' of the most important people in a couple's life. Everybody knows that where divorce is involved, there will likely be one parent who has shouldered more than their fair share of the upbringing of the children. You don't need to exclude somebody from the top table to make that point!

This day is about the couple who are marrying. They are not being disloyal. It should be obvious that it's making more of a statement and drawing more attention to the situation if they ask their stepmum to sit elsewhere. By allowing her to sit on the top table, they are doing nothing out of the ordinary and are taking the easiest course. You don't exactly have to sit together, presumably you'll be at opposite ends of the table?

At our wedding, my DH's stepmum sat at the top table (and was given flowers) and nobody batted an eyelid. My DH knows that his mum has done a million times more for him than his dad or stepmum ever will. His DM was exceptionally gracious, put his feelings first and did not kick up a fuss or make him feel bad. His DF is the kind of man who would have fallen out with us big time if we had seated stepmum elsewhere and his mum saved him that drama by being the bigger person, recognising that her relationship with her exH and his new wife is not her son's problem, and by not making him 'choose sides'.

Kidnapped · 03/05/2016 13:07

I also attended a wedding where the father of the bride (who had also gone abroad and had seen her 4 times in her life) stood up and gave a speech. He started "I have known Rebecca for 28 years...." Rebecca was 31. It was awful.

Meanwhile her mum sat there silently, everyone knowing that she had worked at 2 jobs, brought her daughter up alone with no assistance or money from her father. It was most uncomfortable.

willconcern · 03/05/2016 13:14

You say she knows everyone at the wedding - how is this, if she hasn't been involved in the family?

My DP is also divorced from his (grown up) DCs' mother. We went to his DS' wedding a couple of years ago. DP's ex didn't speak to either of us for the entire weekend. It was embarrassing. She had never even met me before (because the DCs are grown up, there's no need to, and she wouldn't want to anyway, clearly!). I was not OW - they had been divorced for years when I met him and she's been remarried for quite a few as well. The bride's parents were also divorced, and refused to sit on the same table. I felt really sad for both the bride and groom. DP made it very clear to them that he didn't mind where he sat. In the end, none of the parents sat at top table.

At one point, one of DP's other DCs said to me that he really wished his parents could just put aside their feelings, just for one weekend, just so that his brother could enjoy his wedding without worrying about anyone kicking off.

I am divorced from my DCs' father. My ex's wife was the OW, in a very nasty and sudden breakup. However, I have put my feelings to the side when I deal with ex and her. We communicate, and I actually quite like her now. I would not put either of my DCs in the position of effectively choosing between me or their dad. I would expect them to seat either me and their dad at top table, or me + DP and ex + his DW at top table, or none of us at top table. Not to leave one person out.

Whether your DS' father has been involved daily in bringing him up or not is kind of by the by in this situation, IMO. He is his father. Please don't make your son choose.

firesidechat · 03/05/2016 13:19

I'm sure this has already been said, but I would do away with an old style top table entirely in your son's circumstances. They aren't a necessity and it just creates awkward situations for everyone.

I would suggest a top table with either just the bride and groom or maybe including the best man and partner and chief bridesmaid and her partner or whatever works best and then have parents and parents in law on other tables (not putting divorced couples together unless they are happy with that). Problem solved.

SleepingTiger · 03/05/2016 13:27

Divorced or not, the mother and father of both spouses sit on the top table. It's not about who is going out with who, or flavour of the month. There is a serious etiquette failing here - probably through ignorance

Viewofhedges · 03/05/2016 13:29

One of the most generous things my parents ever did for me was speak to each other for the first time in 15 years in the run up to my wedding and be kind and generous to each other on the day. I know they were both dreading it but they made an effort for me and my DH and 4 years later this thaw in relations still makes me both relieved and happy. I see them both as bigger and better people now.

It's not about point scoring and 'who did what' when your son was growing up. Weddings aren't about the day but they're about celebrating a marriage. Enjoy the day, enjoy the meal and keep any ill feeling to yourself. Don't spoil it for them - that would be such a shame for all of you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 03/05/2016 13:34

What Chlobee said.

Focus on your son and his new bride. No one else in the room should matter.

I get that the wedding is a crossing over of sorts of grown children into a new phase of their lives; and the parents and other people that figured significant in the bridal couple's lives are there to celebrate that-and pat themselves on the back for nurturing/guiding the bridal couple.

But it isn't a competition (well, except for hats and frocks ), and it isn't a parent/guardianship awards event either.

So reward yourself! Posh couture from head to toe.

Perhaps, since your other son is best man, he can refer to your greater influence in the best man's speech?

ScoutandAtticus · 03/05/2016 13:37

Please put your feelings aside. It's one day and the meal itself is a small part of it. It's somewhere to sit and eat, not a judgement on your parenting. I was in the middle of a rift between my parents at my wedding and it ruined the planning and joy leading up to it. If they were able to just go along with my wishes for one day i would have thought much more of them.

firesidechat · 03/05/2016 13:40

Some aspects of etiquette is a bit obsolete these days and having to have a top table with certain people on it is one of those. Kindness and good manners matter more than outdated etiquette.

gallicgirl · 03/05/2016 13:43

Oh seriously, who gives a rats arse about who sits where?

I'm getting married in a few weeks and have divorced and remarried parents. I made the mistake of discussing seating plans with my DM who pulled a wasps face at suggestions.

As a result, DH and I will sit on a table alone and the parents will all be seated at separate tables with no top table. We've got less than 30 people and it's still been too much like hard work trying to get a plan where everyone will be happy. I was tempted to not bother but there are kids and that could have caused problems. Besides, I'd like my guests to mingle.

TheNaze73 · 03/05/2016 13:45

I sympathise but, it's their wedding & I think you just have to bite the bullet with this one

willconcern · 03/05/2016 13:52

Gallicgirl, that's so sad.

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