DP resentful doing everything while I have morning sickness

[Imaginosity]

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and have been sick all the way from 6 weeks. I have anaemia and feel breathless and faint after light physical work like getting the DCs ready in the morning. I'm on iron so I'm hoping it won't last too much longer. I've spent a lot of time in bed lately.

DP is doing all the housework and a lot of minding the DCs - I've put all my energy into going to work every day. I can understand why he might be fed up - but I'm fed up too being sick all the time.

He keeps making angry comments about him having to do everything. I say I'm contributing too by being sick to have this baby that we both want.

He's always been very obsessive about having the place pristine - I would be much more comfortable in a clean house where we tolerated a bit of clutter. We have different standards when it comes to housework.

Earlier, accidentally I drained the battery in my car by leaving the light on all night. His reaction was to stomp off and throw his eyes up to heaven. He knows how to jump start the car and I don't - but he looked annoyed - like 'now you have me doing this'.

I just see my friends' DP's and they seem to act like they love each other and want to help each other. I feel we used to be like that too before we had DCs but now we just argue and seem stressed all the time. I don't think we can ever go back to the way it was.

Text him back and say HE needs to take a long hard look at his behaviour and ask himself why is he treating his pregnant wife who is suffering from pregnancy related illnesses so shit.

He's an abusive dick. for you OP.

Thinking of you.
Is there any way that you could pack a bag and leave for a few days? Perhaps having to deal with work, the house and the children all at once might make him appreciate exactly what you do do, even whilst feeling so very poorly. And he'll also be denied of an 'audience' for his stroppy behaviour. Get him on the back foot and call the shots for a while!

I know it's not easy.

I also hate being on my own and until last year, would spend no time on my own. It made me into an anxious wreck. I didn't know what to do with myself. I've lived on my own for a year now. I didn't choose it but there was no alternative. I have made friends and learnt to like myself and I've done okay. I don't have kids either, so I was alone a lot - you'd have your kids, which would help?

Otherwise your choices are to put up with things how they are, with the terrible atmosphere, and hope that it doesn't deteriorate and your children don't pick up on the atmosphere, or to find a way to compromise. Get a cleaner or learn to clean to his standard, make sure he doesn't need to do anything, throw yourself into family events and drastically reduce the time you spend alone. Basically pander to his every whim so you avoid the abusive atmosphere. Both of those sound like absolute hell.

I do think there's more to how you're feeling than just sickness. There is such a thing as depression while pregnant and I wouldn't be surprised if having dealt with everything you've dealt with over the last 2 years and now dealing with 3 months of sickness would drain on you. Your need to be alone makes me think there's something else going on, such as depression.

From his point of view I totally get that you being sick for 2 years would drain on him. Feeling like he's alone in the relationship and everything to do with the kids etc is on him. I get that things you "used to do" don't count when for the last 3 months you've checked out of family life by lying down away from the family. I get that he thinks that if you're lying down you can do so with the family. I get that it's been eating at him all this time.

A normal loving partner though would have expressed all this in a loving and caring way, not in the way he's done so. He is being emotionally abusive and I'm not sure what he thinks will come of him treating you this way except: 1. brow-beating you into doing more; or 2. you leaving. He is entitled to feel the way he feels, he is not entitled to treat you the way he's treating you.

I do think you need to see someone to get some help with our you're feeling, but not because he said it, but to make YOURSELF feel better and hopefully to a place where you realise you DO NOT DESERVE THIS.

I can see both sides here.

OP, I sympathise with you massively - looking after DC, one with autism, while battling an illness of your own must be horrendous. Add morning sickness to that, plus a dose of anaemia and fatigue and you must be exhausted. I truly get the need for you to lie down/recharge when you get the chance!

However I do have some sympathy with your OH. While his behaviour (huffing, eye-rolling, slamming doors) is awful, he sounds like a man at the end of his tether. If he's looked after you for two years through your sickness and worked full-time too, plus done the housework, he must also be exhausted and probably a bit fed-up. Looking after a sick partner is really difficult - people sympathise with carers all the time because it's not easy looking after someone in that capacity day-in, day-out.

However, instead of speaking to you, he'a had a tantrum and that is absolutely not okay. I think you need to wait until you're both less upset and sit down and talk. Would you be open to counselling, for example? I don't think he sounds abusive, just fed up and worn down and this was the straw that broke the camels back.

You are being abused. Call Women's Aid. Let him leave. This could escelate.

I can't get used to loneliness. - OP, you can be more alone IN a relationship (like yours!) than without one.

He sounds dreadf ul; i am not surprised you are depressed and worn down. Your life, honestly would be so much easier, calmer and nicer without him in it.

He wants the place pristine. Well he'll have to get off his butt and make it pristine himself. You're in no fit state to be doing it

I thought I was the only one who felt like this. It's not like you decide to stop and when you get better you will be doing all the housework again.

I just finished reading this thread I think you need to talk to someone I don't think you have had time for your emotions how you feel. If he is like that now what will he be like when the baby comes. Maybe look into doing an assertiveness course it's not good you crying to him you need to tell him to Foff when he starts his shit.

Op - I think you need to see your GP. What you describe is more like depression rather than morning sickness. There is such a thing as ante natal depression. There is help. It's the desire to be in your bedroom away from the 'family'... Why would you not want to lie on the couch downstairs with the dcs ? If it was just feeling faint, you would have no issue with this...but your desire to be removed from the whole family makes me think this is not just feeling sick... I understand your husbands frustration, depression is very hard to live with especially undiagnosed. I think, like many carers, he has come to the end of his tether.

Please see a health visitor or midwife/GP asap.

Your partner is emotionally abusive. He should be supporting you practically and emotionally, but instead he's treating you like his slave, being angry with you for no good reason, and blaming you for things that aren't your fault. He made you believe that you're the problem, but you're not - he is.

Please read these:
Signs of emotional abuse
Am I in an abusive relationship?
The Abuser Profiles

And please get some support. Talk to your GP or midwife about his behaviour. See if you can get counselling. Call the Women's Aid helpline to talk about your situation and see what support they can offer you. Talk to a supportive friend or family member. Do any or all of those things and you will begin to feel better and less alone.

PS Some of the "advice" on this thread is very... weird, to put it politely! He's not a fucking carer, he's an abusive arsehole!

Some of the advice is 'weird' ? I think it depends which way you are looking at it. For some of us who haven't jumped on the automatic 'he is abusive' bandwagon maybe need to take a step back and consider some facts that the OP herself has offered.

1. He does all of the childcare at the moment.
2. He does all of the housework at the moment.
3. The last three months have seen the OP manage to go drag herself to work, come home and go to her bed.
4. OP has stopped engaging with her family.

5 OP has admitted he has carried the family for last couple of years.

OP is citing her morning sickness for this behaviour but this doesn't explain why she won't even rest downstairs on the sofa, allowing her to engage with her children.

If everyone is so keen for her to LTB it seems pretty clear at the moment that her DH will be taking the children as OP is not currently able to care for them. Is that something to encourage - really ? Would that make OP feel better. - if some people believe he should go and not take the kids, who is going to care for them ? OP herself has said she can't handle it at the moment yet people are suggesting her DH leave her to it with the children, pregnant and him gone. Reality check needed here.

Looking after a home when one partner has depression and is not engaged with the rest of the family is completely exhausting and demoralising. Even the greatest Saint is permitted some eye rolling and door slamming. Doesn't make them abusive arse holes !
It equally does not make it any easier for the OP. Depression is awful, destructive and difficult to live with for both the sufferer and those who live with them.

Please go see your GP or midwife OP

sykadelic
" I get that things you "used to do" don't count when for the last 3 months you've checked out of family life by lying down away from the family."

She hasn't "checked out of family life", she is sick. The OP said herself that she has anaemia and is very weak. She may be depressed as well. It's totally understandable that she needs to go to bed sometimes for some peace and quiet as well as physical rest. She is still doing what she can for the DCs (getting up and giving them breakfast while her partner was still in bed, for example) so he isn't doing everything, just most of it.

Hermione He has been doing the housework for three months, not two years. Also you and Marilyn refer to him as a "carer" but the OP hasn't mentioned anything he has done to look after her (which is the definition of a carer). He is doing housework and childcare but that just makes him an adult and a parent.

Marilyn
"OP has admitted he has carried the family for last couple of years."
She hasn't said that. She said that the last few years have been difficult for her because of illness and miscarriages. In spite of this she has been working full time and doing the majority of childcare and housework (apart from the last few months during her pregnancy). The OP said that her partner has accused her of not contributing during this time but he has not valued the child-rearing she has done.

I wonder what his ocd will be like when the baby arrives. Its not easy going through a miscarriage and looking after challenging children.

If she got the midwife involved she would look at him. They ask questions about the man and any possible conflict. Their job is to protect the child. They always say if any help is offered take it the first 6 weeks were rough for me.

If he is threatening to leave her and leapve her in the state she is he cant be much of a man. I would say the most relaxed I feel in my relationship where there is no arguments is when I am pregnant. If anything he should be encouraging her to do more not threaten her.

He doesn't have OCD, he is controlling.

Anotheremma you do wonder why she had those miscarriages it sounds like he puts a lot of pressure on her. My partner is a lot of things but he would never bully me. I think him working with social workers and children in childrens homes he knows how those professionals think. Men are looked at as a threat to new mothers. My health visitor handed me a divorce leaflet when she first met us we weren't seeing eye to eye back then. I was upset being on my own all the time while he worked away in London while I was looking after 2 toddlers

So perhaps all you people shouting 'abuse' could explain how she will manage with challenging Dcs were she to LTB ? Bearing in mind he does all the childcare at the moment...

Better surely to involve some outside support who will be able to evaluate what is actually going on. It is of course entirely possible that this 'd'h is a controlling abusive arsewipe who has driven OP to the edge with his demands for a 'perfect' house.

..but it is also possible that OP is in a spiral of depression that sees her unable and maybe unwilling to engage with the rest of the family, leaving her DH at his wits end. It may of course also be a combination of the two.
The only thing that seems for certain is that she is not up to caring for dcs on her own at the moment (not to mention the dcs probably being very close to their df while DM has been struggling, so they would not want him disappearing from their lives).

The only way is for a midwife/hv to make a proper assessments to help the family forward.

Oh FFS.

It's blatantly obvious that he is abusive. In pointing that out, I have encouraged the OP to get support. I haven't told her to LTB.

Another Emma I totally agree Funny how the bar is usually set a lot higher for a female carer.

Can't believe folk on here are praising him for doing the domestics and childcare whilst his pregnant wife is sick, as if, he's doing her a massive favour - so wrong!

He's a cunt, simple as that, he's adding to your misery and sickness OP, he should be kissing your head and telling you he is worried about you, he seems to spend his free time reminding you how useless you are and how fantastic he is, taking he kids away but also texting to remind you to take a long hard look at yourself - and folk on here are actually taking his side - in what exactly - being a complete bastard, are we on the same thread here?

I haven't checked out of family life for the last two years??? I've had a tough time - but that doesn't mean I've neglected my family???

We've take the DCs out and about, been on holidays etc. I'm just not able for much at the moment when I just feel like I need to sit or lie down.

I have managed to get myself to work everyday as otherwise we'd face a deduction in our income.

I come home everyday (feeling sick) collect the DCs and do homework etc and get them ready for bed. DP is often not home until around the DCs bedtime or a bit after. I used to do a lot more work with my child who has SN but I'm taking a break from it for a few weeks until I'm back on my feet. I'm just not able for it now as it's intensive. I feel guilty about taking a break but logically I know I can catch up to where I was.

For some reason DH seems to overlook the work I do with DC1 who has SN. I think it's because it's not immediately visible. When you walk into a house and see a clean kitchen or laundry hanging up you can instantly see what has been done. The work I do with DC1 has slowly improved things in all sorts of ways for him. His specialists said it is obvious I had done a lot of work and there was significant improvements. Dc1 was struggling hugely with reading so I put a big focus on that and now he is reading a year ahead of his age. DH is always happy to hear about this, it means a huge amount to him, and he knows it's because of the work I've done. However, a few weeks later it's like he forgets and starts getting annoyed again about the housework. I would be happy if we each focused on separate areas - so DP enjoys housework so let him take on board a bit more of that - and I am good with helping DC with his SN needs, so let me take on more of that.

Also, I've hardly checked out of family life as I'm the one who organises everything for the DCs - appointment, play-dates, bring them to birthdays etc etc.

I genuinely feel like we both work very hard, when we're both well, but it's infuriating when someone is constantly implying that you're not pulling your weight.

And the reason I did not go down to watch movies with the DCs over the last few weeks was because I felt weak and sick and actually needed to lie down alone in a bed - not with children sitting on top of me - eating food that made me feel ill.

I'd suggest you book an appointment with your GP and tell him that you can't cope with your current treatment, that your husband is leaving you because he doesn't like looking after you while your iron levels come up. Show him/her the texts if you feel up to it.

See what the GP says. (They might refer you for a quicker treatment but actually I hope you will get some sensible advice re the abuse you are suffering because the anaemia isn't the real problem.)