DP resentful doing everything while I have morning sickness

[Imaginosity]

I'm 18 weeks pregnant and have been sick all the way from 6 weeks. I have anaemia and feel breathless and faint after light physical work like getting the DCs ready in the morning. I'm on iron so I'm hoping it won't last too much longer. I've spent a lot of time in bed lately.

DP is doing all the housework and a lot of minding the DCs - I've put all my energy into going to work every day. I can understand why he might be fed up - but I'm fed up too being sick all the time.

He keeps making angry comments about him having to do everything. I say I'm contributing too by being sick to have this baby that we both want.

He's always been very obsessive about having the place pristine - I would be much more comfortable in a clean house where we tolerated a bit of clutter. We have different standards when it comes to housework.

Earlier, accidentally I drained the battery in my car by leaving the light on all night. His reaction was to stomp off and throw his eyes up to heaven. He knows how to jump start the car and I don't - but he looked annoyed - like 'now you have me doing this'.

I just see my friends' DP's and they seem to act like they love each other and want to help each other. I feel we used to be like that too before we had DCs but now we just argue and seem stressed all the time. I don't think we can ever go back to the way it was.

And i don't have family or friends I can talk to. They all think we're happy.

What's happened in the last two years? Was it that you were ill and needed treatment as per your last para?

I don't think there's anything else going on - in his eyes I'm not at all contributing to the relationship.

Maybe I haven't been great company but between having morning sickness, a serious illness, a child with SN and recurrent miscarriage - I just feel worn down.

I feel like there's no going back from this. If someone seems to hate you so much you can never go back to loving each other again.

I'm not good at arguing back. He's painted it now that I've destroyed the weekend - by my behaviour - and I almost feel like it's true. He's so adamant that he's convinced me.

Please tell someone OP. It sounds as though you've been through a huge amount in the last couple of years (longer probably) with miscarriages, illness, your DC's autism, and now this. You need support more than ever.

If I hadn't got in to bed this morning this day would have turned out differently. It's like a small decision of mine was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I feel like I've burdened all the people I can talk to with so much. I don't want people to be fed up of me.

And I can't talk about DP to people i know as if i make it up with DP somehow it would make things very awkward.

But what would have happened to you if you'd not had a lie down? Fainted later? Been too exhausted to leave the hotel room/get out of the car?

I can understand him being frustrated (because sometimes it is frustrating when your partner is ill - I remember this when my mum was very sick for a long time) but shouting and storming off won't help. And TBH I think he'd have found something else to kick off about

So we didn't go to the hotel. DP was angry saying 'do you want to go..?' I didn't want to say yes when he was angry - and seeing as how he said he was leaving me tomorrow.

Now he's taken the DCs out. When I went downstairs I see he has not cleaned up anything this morning - which is fine, but I think he's making a point now of pulling out of the work he does to show me what it would be like if he didn't do it.

You need to tell someone so you can get some RL support. His behaviour is not ok.

OK so what time did you get up - 7 am? And he stayed in bed for 4 more hours? And then he complained when you got back into bed - and you are pregnant and ill? That is so mean and selfish.

I keep thinking maybe I'm writing this in a way that makes me look all good and him all bad. Maybe I'm missing why he's so annoyed. We used to get on very very well. I just find it hard to remember those times.

There's been so much for me to cope with recently - maybe I've neglected our relationship - but why be so so angry given that he knows I'm pregnant and sick.

It's like I'm just being lazy and selfish lying in bed.

I have a scan next week - why would I even want him there. He's all happy when he sees the scan - can't wait for the new baby. He can't wait to tell the other DCs they're getting a little brother or sister. Will he be all nice to me after it's born?

Maybe I am a not very nice person - i don't want to sound like I'm just looking for people to reassure me that I'm not - just why would someone be so angry for no reason when that person used to be nice

Please don't doubt yourself, your "partner" sounds like an abusive arsehole. If the roles were reversed would you treat him like dirt if he was ill? No you wouldn't, you would probably do more to help the family unit, your children with everyday things, not attacking and complaining and being nasty....

He is a nasty, cruel, ignorant, abusive man.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
It sounds as if you have had a truly dreadful time.

How are you doing this evening OP?

I agree that he doesn't sound like a nice man, and you sound as though you've been trying bloody hard to get through an awful time.

I'm ok. I'm just by myself as he's taken the DCs to the hotel I presume. He left at about 3 and is not back so that's likely what he has done. I didn't feel like going after he said he's leaving me tomorrow - but I know I'll be held responsible for spoiling the night away. He's the one who's made the effort to bring them and I'm just lying in bed.

My car is in the garage so I can't go anywhere. I'm just lying in bed passing the time. I know when he comes back tomorrow he'll be annoyed. Because of the tension i will retreat to my room - which will be further evidence of my laziness.

Sometimes I just want to stay silent and not engage - but when he starts slamming cupboard doors and muttering about me I tend to jump up and plead - and explain I'm sick - and end up crying. I doubt he'll actually leave tomorrow. He has nowhere to go.

We do get on sometimes but we argue quite a bit. Before DCs we were very happy. Even before everything happened over the last two years we weren't as unhappy as this.

It's weird because being lonely feels worse than being with someone you're arguing with.

This is over. It sounds like it's been dying for a while and it's definitely past the point of being save able.

It has all the markings of an abusive relationship - you're scared of him, you're hiding away to avoid an atmosphere, you're pleading with him when he's being aggressive and slamming cupboards.

It sounds like it has been a tough few years for you both, and you've probably grown apart a bit if you're spending a lot of time hiding from him on your own, and then sick. There are probably differences in cleanliness and parenting ideals. For most people, these could be overcome for someone you love. Compromises can be reached, and if one person is ill, the other holds the fort. You don't have that. To be honest, it sounds like you might not have had that for a while. That's not an easy fix. Without love, you sound incompatible. The increasing arguments is part of this.

I'd spend this evening, whilst he's gone, working out how to make this work. Is your other illness over now? Will you be able to manage the kids without assistance when your new baby is born or would it be a good idea to find help now? How can things best work financially for now?

It's not going to be ideal and it will be hard, especially pregnant, but if he can behave like this at your most vulnerable time, who knows what he'll be behaving like when you've given birth. He can still be excited for the baby, but from somewhere else, so neither the baby or your existing children are living in a dysfunctional, hostile and abusive environment.

You get used to the loneliness. Honestly.

Poor you I feel sorry for you. You are NOT to blame. Be kind to yourself xx

I can't get used to loneliness. I don't have many friends - I hate being alone . Even this evening is torturous - long and empty. Tomorrow morning - all day tomorrow will be empty. I know he might be annoyed when he gets back but for me there is nothing worse than loneliness. It might be different if I had loads of friends.

Also, logistically it wouldn't work. If we split up we couldn't afford to pay for two households. DC has SN and is settled in to a good school - we'd have to move to an area where I'd have even less support.

It's not so easy just to say end it and leave...

No its not easy, of course it isn't. It's so, very hard. You are vulnerable, ill and pregnant..and he treats you like this? Even stressed and frustrated, he should be cherishing you. You deserve to be taken care of.
He is abusing you. Abuse is a scale, it's not "He doesn't hit me, so I can't be being abused". It isn't so black and white.

You sound really lovely and a great mum. Your husband is a nob. You have done nothing wrong. Hope you're ok

Stress, anaemia and tiredness make pregancy related sickness much, much worse.
His behaviour is making you more ill than you would be if you were calm and being cared for.

My pregnancy was just like yours... it's hell. My DP resented me for it too; I barely lifted a finger for 9 months but couldn't! In the end, I decided my family came first and they deserved my energy rather than my job, so I went off sick. I was able to do bits throughout the day then and there wasn't as much pressure on DP. Could you get a sicknote?

He wouldn't agree - he really is doing all the work around the house - all the ironing, cleaning, hoovering - but resentfully. He seems to think he's done more than enough and I've done pretty much nothing.

And no I don't classify myself as being abused - I just can't see it that way.

I wish he'd ring now and say sorry and say we'll try to sorry everything out. I wish I had gone to the hotel and wasn't lonely here.

This is awful to read.

I had 7 months of cancer treatment last year which left me feeling very similar to when I had terrible pregnancy sickness. Dh started a new professional job, looked after our 4yr every day, did all the housework, cooking and shopping, took me to the hospital a lot, held me when I cried, stayed up late googling because I was too scared all while supporting his mum who was dying of a degenerative condition.

Not once did he complain, make me upset, have a cross word with me, make me feel guilty etc. he was amazing and I love him even more for what did for me last year. That's what being married is all about.

I feel so sorry for you. It's awful when you are ill and I know what you mean about wanting peace rather than being on the sofa. I'd feel so guilty leaving my boys at the weekend but sometimes I just needed peace and quiet. Dh would take our 4yo out to give me peace, not make me feel guilty...

I'm beginning to come out of the sickness but I think I'm kind of depressed after everything. I don't have the motivation I had to help my child with SN. I just feel burnt out. Sometimes I try to get up but feel weak and just go back to lying down. Maybe it's depression now that mainly has me lying down.

He just texted to say I need to take a long hard look at my behaviour. It makes me doubt myself