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Original poster

MIL and the ancient baby clothes - what to do?

100 replies

TheBlonde · 11/01/2007 17:28

When DS arrived 2 years ago so did a large box of DH's baby clothes
They are worn out/ stained/ acrylic mix/ out of fashion etc

New baby is due in March and I just discovered the clothes again

Do I bin them? recycle them? give them back to MIL?

OP posts:

WinkyWinkola · 13/01/2007 17:26

I love ClothKits. They don't make them anymore, do they? Give me some lovely ClothKits clothes, MIL and my babies would wear them all the time!

PS I do think there are some MILs out there who really do try to take over their grandchildren as if they were their own children. I know mine did.

lazyemma · 13/01/2007 18:16

divastrop - that's TheBlonde's interpretation. I might be wrong, but I doubt that's really what her MIL wants.

lazyemma · 13/01/2007 18:19

"the only reason i'd give a dil the few baby clothes i've kept would be cos i didnt like her and wanted to cause trouble between her and my son"

What the hell? Is this honestly your best guess at the reason TheBlonde's MIL has given her some of her partner's old baby clothes? Here's some free career advice: don't go applying for Kofi Annan's old job any time soon.

ProfYaffle · 13/01/2007 18:33

Does you MIL actually know they're stained? I only mention it as I've recently got all dd1's baby clothes out for dd2tb, they were clean when I put them away but over the last couple of years some of them have gone yellow in places. Perhaps she hasn't looked through them and doesn't realise?

sexkittyinwaiting · 13/01/2007 18:39

Profyaffle, come and say hello again on the March thread

tigermoth · 13/01/2007 20:47

calmon, my oldest ds is 12 so have no idea if I will be giving his babyclothes to anyone just yet (if ever - I take your point, morningpaper).

I am sorry if I have touched a nerve with you - perhaps as a DIL you have disposed of your MIL's babyclothes!

I honestly don't see what the problem is regarding a DIL showing some sensitivity. Why get paranoid that your MIL wants to take over your life? Would you say that about a friend gave you her second hand baby clothes? What suffering is there in dressing your baby now and again in a much loved second hand garment that your husband wore as a baby?

It's not as if wearing second hand baby clothes is so unusual. I have only to click onto the for sale topic here to see lots of people buying and selling used baby clothing.

maisym · 13/01/2007 20:56

what a super idea morning paper - a cot blanket would be super. I'd as mil if she'd be happy with this - perhaps she'd like to make it.

I'd use some of the clothes - as would keep mil happy & kids grow so fast that he'd grow out of them soon - so no problem.

tigermoth · 13/01/2007 21:12

Getting your MIL to make a cot blanket out of the babyclothes is a great idea. But you'd definitely have to use it lots when she was there after she had done that extra work

As it happens, my MIL made a fabulous quilt for my youngest, army mad son. It was his surprise christmas present. She found an old camoflage patterned curtain in a charity shop, sewed dark green fleece on the reverse then quilted it round the camoflage pattern. My son adores it - he can use it for tents, display his soldiers on it and he wraps himself in it each night wehn he is in bed.

divastrop · 13/01/2007 21:22

i dont think anybody is saying theres something wrong with 2nd hand clothes-as ive said ive been given loads by friend but it was a case of 'i thought you may find these useful but if you dont want them just give them to the charity shop'.

lazyemma-i'm sorry but i havent a clue who kofi annan is so that comment went way over my head.

tigermoth · 13/01/2007 21:41

So you didn't take offence at your friend giving you her baby clothes? So why do you feel that if you gave baby clothes to your DIL it would be a hostile act?

I suppose you must be talking about different expectations - your friend said give these to the charity shop if you don't want them, so no strings attached. Some MILs might take this line too, and mean it. This could well be the case with TheBlonde's MIL. But IMO it's something a DIL needs to be clear about before disposing of anything.

calmontheoutside · 13/01/2007 22:22

Tigermoth - I wasn't disagreeing with the tact that is required from a DIL in the whole MIL relationship. I have absolutely no problems with secondhand. That and vintage is all I wore for 6 years in Glasgow (wedding dress £29 16 years ago in Starry Starry Nights, bought when single because I loved the dress so much, bit of a squeeze to get into 6 years later, but that's a different thread). You don't work in Glasgow by any chance do you? 75% of DD's clothes are from charity shops, hand me downs etc and I'm all for that. And she wears AWFUL stuff from MIL when I know she's coming round... And I wouldn't want to get rid of any relic of DH's.
I have the same MIL problems as the average DIL, (some plate smashing involved) but during the 13 years of living with her son, we have had a good relationship, a loving relationship. It TAKES WORK, I dare say, on both sides.
You just sounded bitter about the future DIL, 'I will assume she's got rid of the clothes on the sly... I will ask her in a roundabout way... she will go down in my estimation...' You seemed very aggressive about your role as MIL and your expectations.
Nobody seems quite so defensive or aggressive after the two large red wines though.

tigermoth · 14/01/2007 10:42

I do see what you are getting at, Calmontheoutside, about me asking DIL in roundabout way, etc. In my hypothetical situation, when I pass over babyclothes to my future DIL I will be also telling her they hold lovely memories for me and could I have them back please afterwards. I would say to her that I don't expect she'll want to use most of them, either. (I don't think I made that clear in my first message).

If my DIL did not seem to empathise with any of the above and gave them to a charity shop, then I'd be disappointed of course. But I can see theBlond's situation is a bit different as she doesn't actually know what sentimental value her MIL has put on the baby clothes.

No, I don't live in Glasgow, but the shops sound good!

Caligula · 15/01/2007 13:37

I don't understand why giving clothes to your DIL would be done only to cause trouble - particularly when you're happy to give them to a friend (and presumably you're not trying to cause trouble for your friend).

Why should you assume that giving clothes to your DIL is a hostile act? That's really strange imo.

(I was talking about this thread to a friend of mine who is a MIL the other day and she mentioned that she'd bought a very expensive outfit for her grandson and had never once seen it on him. She's realised that she has different taste from her DIL but nevertheless of course DIL has gone down in her estimation because she hasn't had the nouse to show a bit of normal diplomatic skills - it's not so much about the outfit, it's about the fact that the DIL is not prepared to meet her half-way, IYSWIM. And that DIL hasn't had the nouse to think about the long-term ramifications of her behaviour. I kind of get where Tigermoth is coming from because being that stupid would irritate me tbh, even if I wasn't stupid enough to express my irritation.)

divastrop · 15/01/2007 16:58

i just see it as strange expecting somebody to put ancient,stained clothes on a new baby and then taking offence if they dont.

WinkyWinkola · 15/01/2007 17:01

Me too. It IS strange to get shirty just because someone doesn't like the clothes you give them.

My mum always gives me the receipts when she gives me clothes for DS in case I don't like them. She would never put that sort of pressure on me. I guess she's got more important things to think about and to get worked up about.

I do the same with every gift of clothing that I give to friends and relatives. I give the gift receipt.

beckybrastraps · 15/01/2007 17:07

I have been given my dh's old clothes by my MIL. I smiled sweetly, occasionally put ds in them when they were around, and just stashed them in a cupboard. I think if you have a slightly strained relationship with your MIL, suggesting that the clothes which she thought were good enough for her children aren't good enough for yours may be a little lacking in tact.

hippmummy · 15/01/2007 17:11

Caligula, can your friend be sure that her DIL doesn't use the clothes, or got rid of them, just because she hasn't seen the baby in them?
I have often used things my MIL has knitted for our boys, but don't necessarily make a special effort to put them in those clothes when we are seeing her.
I think most of the time mums have more to worry about than who's going to be offended by what they do/don't dress their babies in.

lazyemma · 15/01/2007 17:28

WinkyWinkola - we don't know whether TheBlonde's MIL would "get shirty". We're talking about the possibility that she might be hurt - even secretly hurt - if TheBlonde returns the clothes she's given her.

I don't understand what's the big whup here about being considerate towards someone else's feelings, whatever you think your own feelings would be in their shoes. It's all very well going "well, it wouldn't bother me if someone returned a present, so if it bothers you then what-the-hell-evAH, loser", but even basic manners involves a bit more thought than that. But then, I guess manners are not terribly fashionable anymore, like acrylic-mix baby clothes.

shazronnie · 15/01/2007 17:34

I agree with you lazyemma; the MIL's feelings need to be considered too.

Caligula · 15/01/2007 17:39

My friend hasn't got shirty with her DIL. But of course she judges her, because she perceives that DIL hasn't got basic good manners/ diplomatic skills.

Even during through the nightmare of breastfeeding, no sleep, hell on earth transition of being a parent, I remembered to put my baby in the clothes x-MIL had bought and take a photo of them to send to the old bat. Just once. It's just so little to do, and it's so important for good relations. I think our generation doesn't know that.

Also, you have to remember that this isn't giving you a gift - it's giving the grandchild a gift. I think DIL's / DD's tend to ignore the fact that MIL's / mothers have an independent relationship with their grandchildren. This sort of thing is all bound up with those complex family relationship issues. That's why they matter. (And that's why they cause more friction and angst than if the neighbour over the road gives you a bag of clothes you don't like.)

WinkyWinkola · 15/01/2007 17:51

Lazyemma, I was referring more to Tigermoth's predicted reaction more than TheBlonde's MIL.

There are much more important things to get upset about than whether your grandchild wears some clothes your child used to wear.

Super if you've got the time to think about stuff like that. I don't and I certainly wouldn't blame someone else who didn't either.

And if the clothes are minging, there's no way I'm putting my child in them!

Caligula · 15/01/2007 18:44

What's your definition of "minging" clothes?

And would they really be worth chipping away at the goodwill of your MIL for?

Because that's what people are doing when they make a stand about something as unimportant as this. If it's so unimportant, why not use them to build bridges instead of create resentment?

I should shut up now, I'm like a dog with a bone, aren't I.

divastrop · 15/01/2007 19:55

i should shut up too as ive already said i dont have a mother in law so i wouldnt really know how i would feel in that situation.i was just saying what i would do if anybody offered me baby clothes that i know i wouldnt use,i didnt really consider that it would be different if it were a member of the family.

WinkyWinkola · 15/01/2007 19:58

Yes, it would seem we all have different opinions on this one!

Good luck TheBlonde. In a few years, your DS will probably refuse to wear anything you or your MIL want him to put on!

And I have discovered I am an ill mannered and insensitive brute. Poor old MIL! But my child looks great in his clothes.

Original poster

TheBlonde · 15/01/2007 20:02

Thanks for all the differing opinions

DH has agreed to look through them and then he will decide what to do - odds are they will be shoved in the back of a wardrobe somewhere

In general DH & I go for the easy option of trying to keep PIL happy but I do tire of it!

My MIL is also unable to read body language so you have to verbally spell things out if you are not happy which is tricky sometimes iykwim

OP posts:

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