MIL and the ancient baby clothes - what to do?

[TheBlonde]

When DS arrived 2 years ago so did a large box of DH's baby clothes
They are worn out/ stained/ acrylic mix/ out of fashion etc

New baby is due in March and I just discovered the clothes again

Do I bin them? recycle them? give them back to MIL?

you could say the materials they are made from are no longer considered to be suitable for babies' sensitive skin

I don't think it will hurt you to be kind to your MIL. If you try and give them back without your baby wearing some of them at least once where she can see them, you will probably hurt her feelings. Your choice as to whether you're willing to do that, of course.

i have the opposite problem my mil buys new, but god nos where she shops the clothes she buys are hidious, cheap and nasty, frilly dresses that just do not work on small babes! sorry 4 the rant!
funnypeculier- i know how you feel when my sil found out she was expecting a girl i gave her loads of clothes, all the pink things (hopeing to get a boy secound time round!) so when i found out i was expecting another girl i hoped that i would get some things back but i got nothing its annoying isnt it but to make things worse i didnt realise how much i actully gave her so i have had to replace most of it!

I think it's a little bit weird to want to recreate scenes that are exactly the same as your DS when he was a baby. Sorry but isn't that trying to pretend you have a baby again? But if you're comfortable with that then that's your call. I wouldn't be because I think it's odd.

I'd just be honest and say politely on the 'phone that you tried DS in the clothes and most of them don't fit or that they're stained. Nobody would like to see their grandchildren in stained clothes surely?

If I'd kept stuff for my family and they said they'd rather not have it or use it, I wouldn't be offended. They didn't ask me to keep it for them after all.

What is the big deal about being careful not to hurt someone's feelings? I really, really don't get this. Someone gives you something horrible for your baby because they think it's nice and they love the baby. Is it really so difficult to put your baby in it just the once and take a photo so that the old bat is happy? Why go out of your way to hurt her feelings and reject her gifts? How will that promote a good long term relationship with her? And how will putting your baby in vile clothes for half an hour hurt him or her?

Life is just too short to be this precious imo. Of course we can all hurt our MIL's feelings if we choose, but then we don't really have a right to complain when we don't have a good relationship with them long term. Little acts of kindness and unkindness are what make up overall long-term relationships and it might be an idea to bear that in mind when dealing with as fraught and sensitive a relationship as that between a MIL and a DIL.

I'm not sentimental about baby clothes but I get the distinct impression that my sister wasn't very happy when I gave away some of the things she handed down to my kids. I just thought they'd been worn by 4 kids now so not exactly showpiece items but they still had plenty of wear left. I do feel guilty but it just didn't occur to me that she'd want them back for the attic!

Surely by being polite and courteous, you're not hurting someone's feelings? If you do, then the person is over sensitive I think.

If The Blonde would rather her child didn't wear the clothes, then I think she should be able to say, without worry, that is what she prefers. I don't see why THAT's a big deal TBH.

Because it's about a long-term relationship with a MIL.

We all know how difficult it is to negotiate and manage.

Being polite is not the same as being kind.

Kindness goes an awful long way. It is simply unkind to politely reject someone who is doing something loving for their grandchild, however, batty or bizarre we may consider their loving action to be. (Obviously I'm not talking about them wanting to manifest their love in a dangerous way! )

I really think a lot of conflict between MILs and DILs could be cut down with a bit of tolerance and forbearance on either side.

Erm but wanting a child to wear stained clothes isn't really that loving, is it?

Perhaps you are kinder than me! C'est la vie.

It's not really unloving though is it?

Yes I know, she's nuts, but how is a stain going to hurt the baby? She's probably looking at this wretched rag thinking what a family heirloom it is and how many lovely memories of her beautiful baby it has for her. None of us have any ideas what these bloody awful things mean to these tiresome old bats - that stain was put their by her baby, remember? It's not just a stain to her, it's a precious memory of when she winded and burped her little baby. I just think it's not that difficult to put yourself in her shoes and imagine how hurtful it would be to have your DIL reject it, however politely. It's simply not necessary. Now you could say it's not necessary for the MIL to give her DIL stained naff clothes, but that's what they do. They're MIL's. Some of their behaviour is bizarre and inexplicable, and if you want a quiet life, as long as she's not overstepping boundaries (and God, how many of them do that) it's sometimes easier in the long term to go along with them, because sometimes, tiny little incidents like this can build into years of distance and mistrust. I just think having a bit of empathy and tolerance won't hurt the OP and may well help build up bonds with her MIL. Which is a good thing for the person both of them love, the baby.

(And yes I agree with whoever said chuck all these bloody clothes out. I have never got sentimental about milk stains from burps! And also, if we get rid of them all, we won't suddenly be seized by MIL madness in thirty years time and be tempted to thrust them on our reluctant DILs! )

maybe i dont undderstand the kindness to mil thing cos i dont have one

i'm worried now cos i was given loads of clothes by 2 friends when i had dd2(now 13months)and when people give me baby clothes i never even consider they may want them back unless they tell me.in fact my cousin gave me some clothes for ds1 when he was born and said she'd like them back in case she had another 1 so i just left them in the bag and gave them back 6 months later.

ive still got all dd2's baby clothes but im expecting another girl anyway.

I remember when my ds1 was a baby, my MIL knitted some gawd awful cardies etc, really old fashioned and almost girly. Also, one day I was at work and she was looking after him (as a one off til I got a childminder) and she dressed him in lemon velour and took him to baby group and no-one recognised him.

I have a photo of him in that outfit and his face is like this - even at 5 months!!!

Caligula, I love your attitude, and so would my MIL. We have had our moments (bloody big moments) over the thirteen years, of course we have. But over all, when we are not staying in each other's houses for longer than a week, we have a good relationship. And love each other very much. 'Kindnesses and unkindnesses' - good comments there.

I agree with you in general Caligula - a little kindness goes a long way - but it has to come with a big proviso, surely. If you're MIL is completely mental and horribly controlling, sometimes it can be a good thing to firmly say no.

(I have no idea what your MIL is like TheBlonde - obviously can only speak for myself).

My MIL was an abusive mother to my DH, so I'm afraid I tend to keep her at arms length. Even though I'm actually quite fond of her!

a little compromise wouldn't hurt if it would make MIL happy (assuming she's not a dragon)

What about saying 'ooh we don't have room for all of them, so i'll take these few nice bits (find the best ones) and would you like the rest back, or to go to a charity shop?'

My MIL has bought some horrid things for DS, but i figure he can wear them one or twice in front of her, then they can go to a charity shop so somebody will give them a good home.

At least she cares

Oh God totally agree Booboobedoo. Loony MIL's have to be contained and restrained! But most of them aren't loony. They're women like us (in thirty years time, they'll be some of us) who have to negotiate a very difficult and delicate relationship with someone who usually holds most of the power in the relationship.

Kindness definitely goes a long way if, as you say, the MIL in question is a good egg.

The mistake I make is that I always assume everyone's is as needy, interfering, arrogant and presumptious as mine!

But I'm not really sure how saying, "Thanks but no thanks," is unkind. It's just normal behaviour.

The Blonde, if your MIL hasn't mentioned those clothes for a while, chances are she's forgotten about them anyway. And if she asks, just say you'll try to find them but keep forgetting. She'll forget too. Then when DC are all 12+, offer them back to her for her memories.

Ah but spandex, normal behaviour in the context of the MIL/ DIL relationship is not safe!

"What is the big deal about being careful not to hurt someone's feelings? I really, really don't get this. Someone gives you something horrible for your baby because they think it's nice and they love the baby. Is it really so difficult to put your baby in it just the once and take a photo so that the old bat is happy? Why go out of your way to hurt her feelings and reject her gifts? How will that promote a good long term relationship with her? And how will putting your baby in vile clothes for half an hour hurt him or her?"

AMEN! I am so tired of seeing women on here and other boards moaning about their mothers-in-law and championing their own ungrateful, churlish behaviour as if it's some kind of important stand against the tyrannies of the older woman in their partner's lives.

I've learnt that Caligula is right. I just say thank you, kids wear it the odd time, photo taken , item dealt with. Cardigans from auntie whoever went the same way. Put it on, take a photo then stop stressing about it.

Perhaps some women DO have problematic MILs, lazyemma. I know I do. I wish my MIL would be considerate of MY feelings. Don't be so judgemental before you've walked in someone else's shoes.

I have kept some of my son's baby clothes and if either of my sons has a baby, I fully intend to lend these clothes to my daughter in law. They will be clean and in good condition. Even now, I am looking forward to doing this.

I will expect my DIL to say a polite thank you, and will be waiting to see my grandson in some of them (sometimes). It will be a small but signficant milestone in our relationship. On the surface, I will be saying 'I hope you can find a use for these things' but underneath, I will be hoping to see genuine gratitude and a strengthing bond between me and the mother of my grandchild.

If she phones to tell me she doesn't want the clothes and is giving them to a charity shop, however polite she is, I will be very hurt. My son's clothes not good enough for her! Negating my treasured memories of being a mother! If she asks me if I want them back, I will feel a little better as it least she is respecting the fact that the clothes mean something to me.

When I visit, I will be hoping to see my grandchild in the clothes at least once.

If this does not happen, I will assume she has got rid of the clothes on the sly. So I will ask her in a roundabout way. And if I can tell she is lying or at that point she chooses to tell me she has disposed of them, she will go down in my estimation for being both insensitive and underhand.

So what if the clothes I give her are out of fashion? What is fashion to a baby! I hasten to add, I have only kept select things and would expect my DIL to pick and choose just a few pieces from the small bundle I will give her.

I deal in vintage clothes and am used to dressing in second hand things and so are my children, so perhaps I have a different slant on wearing second hand stuff. I still expect to be dealing in vintage clothing when I am a grandmother, so if my DIL rejects the idea a gift of baby clothing simply because it is second hand, it will not go down well at all!

Hi tigermoth
I agree there is absolutely nothing wrong with second hand clothes.
I also agree that it would be kind of your DIL to make the effort to show gratitude for your gesture.
However, I think as far as expecting her to dress the child in the clothes in order to strengthen your bond, or enhance your own memories of motherhood with your son is going a bit too far.
After all, this will be her child and her experience of motherhood. These clothes meant something to you as a first-time mum, not her. She will have special things of her own to treasure.

As you say, this is a small but significant opportunity to show a little kindness and gratitude. It's an opportunity to empathise. If my DIL fails to do this (or to actually see the opportunity) it will hurt.
Wanting to build up your own treasured memories is no excuse for trashing someone elses.

I just don't get why my MIL needs to relieve her experience of motherhood by pretending my baby/her grandchild is my DH/her son as a baby

Can't she just have a new grandparental experience??