MIL and the ancient baby clothes - what to do?

[TheBlonde]

When DS arrived 2 years ago so did a large box of DH's baby clothes
They are worn out/ stained/ acrylic mix/ out of fashion etc

New baby is due in March and I just discovered the clothes again

Do I bin them? recycle them? give them back to MIL?

I don't get it either, The Blonde.

I think it's weird and shouldn't really be encouraged. Whether it does harm or not isn't really the point. If you're not comfortable with it, then don't do it.

Spandex, you get "problematic" people in all families. In my (general) experience, mothers-in-laws are cut a lot less slack for this than other family members. And often, behaviour which is likely to have a completely innocent basis is interpreted in a threatening way. The MIL/DIL relationship has its challenges, alright, but so many times I think women make it more difficult for themselves, and their partners - who will eventually end up being torn between two permanently warring factions - by never making the effort to see things from their MIL's point of view.

I remember a colleague of mine at work going absolutely apeshit on the phone to her partner because he'd gone to a shoe-shop with their son and her mother-in-law without first consulting her about the purchases they had made. They had bought the son two pairs of new shoes, and when she checked the Clarks store online to see what style they were, she didn't like them. To hear her ranting, both to her unfortunate partner, and to us colleagues afterwards, you'd think the mother-in-law had planned the whole shoe-buying trip deliberately to undermine her.

Tigermoth, by the time you or I have grandchildren, the recycling ethos will be so ingrained in our children that wearing second-hand clothes will be the norm. And we all know how fashions go in cycles, so what our babies wore will probably be back in fashion or will enable our DIL's to make a fashion statement!

Could you use them as dolly clothes? Then they are used, out on display but not on your baby IYSWIM.

TheBlonde - do you know your mother in law wants to "relive her experience of motherhood"? Or is it at least as likely that the importance of the photos/clothes is as a tiny, sentimental sort of ritual to do with family history and shared memories. I don't think she wants to be a mother to your children, she just wants to feel that they're part of her (extended) family in the same way that they're a part of your more immediate one.

I think the photo thing is odd, too. But not sinister.

I reckon the clothes issue is just the tip of the iceberg for the The Blonde. Memories are just that - memories. Not an opportunity to start fantasising someone else's child is yours. Why on earth would you want to do that? That just leads to more trouble and the blurring of boundaries and yet more strife between MIL and DIL. The MIL is a grandparent now, no longer the parent of a baby.

lazyemma, you don't know the history of the shoe incident. Perhaps it was your colleague's DS's first pairs of shoes? Perhaps the MIL HAD done things to undermine the mother before. You just don't know. Like I said, walking in someone else's shoes is important before you judge and condemn.

And yes, the MIL/DIL relationship is tricky but perhaps both side expect too much. And on mumsnet, you're bound to read only about the DIL p.o.v. so it may seem imbalanced.

Keep 1, bin the rest

Crikey, Tigermoth, I wouldn't fancy being your DIL. You've already got definite expectations laid down and God help her if she doesn't respond in the "right" way!! It comes over as terribly controlling I'm afraid.

"You just don't know. Like I said, walking in someone else's shoes is important before you judge and condemn. "

I'm neither judging nor condemning here - just putting an alternative point of view to the conventional "you go sista!" cheerleading you usually get on these sorts of threads.

It's interesting that you, who have never met my work colleague, nor had to endure two years of stories of perceived slights and misdemeanours committed by her in-laws - naturally assume that her reaction must have a rational basis. For god's sake - we're talking about two pairs of shoes - but you automatically go "well, she probably has a point". That's precisely sort of anti MIL bias I'm talking about.

ah, but liath there are options I'd find ok in varying degrees, it's just the ungrateful, underhand and and insensitive ones I have a little problem with.

Lazyemma, I used the word 'perhaps' a lot in my post.

That use of language suggests I hadn't in fact made a judgement but that I was also thinking for a reason why someone would react so violently to her DH and MIL buying a pair of shoes for her DS. Trying to understand and empathise. Not that I agree with the reaction or thought she had a valid point necessarily.

Must be said that I find it very hard to care about "fashion" in baby clothes. As long as they are clean and fit, the baby won't care either.
Stains aren't a health risk if washed properly, and kids will trash the new stuff anyway.

However it will care about the relationship with granny. My kids love their granny, and if the price of peace was wearing a slightly old babygro, then I'd be grateful it was that easy.

Blonde's MIL apparently wants to relive her experience as a mum, which is a common feeling, and can actually be good for everyone involved.
Bringing up kids is hard work lasting for decades, if someone wants to help, my starting point is that they are a good person. MIL gets some emotional benefit from this, which is hardly the darkest of motivations.

There is of course a "territorial" urge over DC, which is quite natural, but humans evolved to bring up children in groups, we are simply not geared up to do it on our own. It might be worth taking the initiative and asking her to help out in specfic ways. That way you retain control, and she gets to feel useful. A lot of older people don't feel useful, doesn't make them bad people.

When mine were babies, MIL used to arrive with some rather bizarre and (imo) cheap quality outfits for them. Tbh, I had so many clothes that I could quite easily have dressed each boy in a different outfit every day without having to wash anything, but I always ensured that, if I knew MIL was visiting, the baby was dressed in an outfit that she had bought.

It is such a simple thing to do and can engender a close relationship between DIL and MIL, which is a tricky path to travel at best.

Unfortunately her interest in the boys seemed to wane once her own daughter produced a granddaughter, but at least I know that I made an effort.

I do appreciate that, spandex, but that's kind of my point.

There's no shortage of understanding and empathy for the DIL on these sorts of threads, but very little for the MIL. The default position from the majority of respondents often seems to be "well, you must have a reason to be behaving in this way, so more power to you". Whereas, on the face of it, I believe that someone asking if they could get away with handing back a gift of old baby clothes on the basis of them being unfashionable, and not in pristine condition - well, I think that person should be encouraged to at least question the ethics of such an action, and its future implications for their relationship with their MIL.

In fairness, I probably haven't gone about that the right way - others have done it with more sensitivity before I waded in - but these threads do depress me, I can't deny that.

Wow, some heated comments about MILs.

I'm fortunate in that I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL, but that is because we both make an effort. In fact, I have asked her to be here for the birth of my first child in March, and even though its her 29th grandchild, she booked her tickets straight away!

MIL has bought an traditional style christening outfit for our child, as we have received preapproval to have it christened in our cathedral. I think that is so sweet of her, and personally am not offended at all. In fact, if she had something of my DHs from when he was a child, I would happily accept it. I don't think its anything to do with reliving her motherhood experiences, but just allowing her grandchild to have something which was special of its father's.

In fact, her christening present to our baby is going to be HER silver christening cup. I'm just amazed that she hasn't passed this on before. One of the previous grandchildren received my MIL's own mother's christening cup because they shared the same name. These valuable things are to be cherished, not resented. They are full of memories, meaning, and love.

Granted, if it was tatty, cheap stuff, I wouldn't feel so generous about it!!

exactly..these arent just '2nd hand' or 'vintage' clothes,as the op said they are 1970's items with stains on.handing down a christening robe is a lovely thing,but i think the blonde is more concerned about the mil wanting to prented the new baby is hers.

of course,the photo thing could just be cos she wants to send it in to take a break and get some money

TheBlonde looking at your messages again, I see that you don't mention if your MIL actually told you that the clothes she gave you were special. It's possible that she found them by chance, thought they might be of use to you, but it would be no big deal to her if you gave them away. You do say there is large box of them, so possibly they have not been sorted out.

So, if you are not sure how much sentimental value your MIL places in them, can you do some gentle probing, or get your dh to do some? Digest what is said then decide what to do with all the stuff.

Having said that, there must be something that isn't too bad and that your baby could wear a few times when your MIL comes round? No harm in that, is there? And you do say that your dh is an only child, so this is her only chance be a grandmother.

Now, going back to the example in my message, if I was to give a small, selected bundle of baby clothes to my DIL, I would make sure she knew they had special memories for me and I would like them back after she had finished with them - and would say of course I did not expect her to use them all.

If, to some of you here, this still seems OTT for an MIL to ask of a DIL, can I make an observation:

Supporting the idea that the DIL's baby is hers, hers, hers and she has total say so over every detail of its day and night, even at the risk of hurting others in her family, is IMO very much akin to a bridezilla attitude to weddings - ie that weddings are only for the bride and groom and no one else's feelings matter. I don't agree with that so that's why I don't agree with it being ok to be insentive to one's MIL over something like this.

There's absolutely no indication that the MIL wants to "pretend the baby is hers" - I often hear people say things like that about MILs but it sounds a self-evidently ludicrous idea, and more likely to be an insecurity of the DIL's (that the MIL secretly wants to usurp her completely in all areas of her life) rather than a genuine motivation on the part of the MIL.

'I just don't get why my MIL needs to relieve her experience of motherhood by pretending my baby/her grandchild is my DH/her son as a baby '

Tigermoth,
It sounds as if you already have a bad relationship with a would-be DIL. Is this the case? If not, and this is all hypothetical, there doesn't appear to be much hope of you having a good one. You're already anticipating her being underhand etc. Not a great start. Or is she already?

What about making a small cot quilt from the fabric?

Perhaps MIL might like to do that?

Gosh Tigermoth you ARE hardcore

If my children are not in prison/mental unit/living in a cardboard box I will be knocking back the gin with glee - anything else is a bonus

I have to say, to a degree, that I agree with tigermoth. I have kept a few outfits that the boys had as babies. If I gave them (or lent them) to a DIL, I would be delighted if she used them, even if only once when I was there, because this shows a willingness to establish a good relationship between us.

If she gave them away or handed them back without using them even once, it is a clear indication that she doesn't really care about my feelings.

Also what about my son having a say in what his baby wears? Where do we get this idea that only the mother should have a say in what happens to a baby? Like the example of the colleague who went ape when her husband and MIL bought her child some shoes which she didn't like. Her attitude was that the MIL did it deliberately, wherease it might well have been her dh's choice and why shouldn't he buy his child some shoes without having to get permission from its mother?

the only reason i'd give a dil the few baby clothes i've kept would be cos i didnt like her and wanted to cause trouble between her and my son..if i were that sort of person that is.

i've kept a few of my dc's baby clothes forme,i wouldnt give them to anybody else,they are for my own memories.

I wish my mum had kept some of my Clothkits clothes, they would look v cool on my daughter now. I have a good few hideous new things from MIL, but if she's only wearing them to see MIL, it doesn't matter if they're hideous - as said a lot downthread, the baby doesn't care. My dad bought a ludicrous dress and TIGHTS, and we were gently mocking, but shoved her in it for a picture. I think in many cases we push against the hideous clothes as a way of rejecting the MIL's presence, I know I feel much more emotional about them than I should about some ugly clothes. So for that reason, I have to give myself a bit of a talking to and remind myself that the baby can't get hurt by this at all, and just throw them on. It must be much, much harder with old clothes, they don't feel clean, the material is nasty. I sympathise enormously. But I think a good idea is a complete day of multiple wardrobe changes, fake background changes, and a photo session. Send cards with pictures in and email attachments periodically, and she will notice and be pleased without taking the trouble to think about the fact that you might be faking the whole thing. If she thought you'd fake it, she wouldn't give you the stuff in the first place.