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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

On Line Dating OP coming on too strong

61 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 28/04/2016 19:10

So anyone who is privy to my other theads/posts knows I am currently OLDing. They will also know I am quite openly looking for a causal arrangements or posibly a FWB (if I find the right person). Mainly because I have very little free time, loving being free to explore the world again and if I am honest have very serious trust issues from my previous marriage.

Anyway all is going well and I had a lovely causal experience last night. The trouble is there is this one girl I am talking to on OLD. She is smart, very attractive and funny. Met her on Tinder. Made things very clear (as always) what I am after. She said she was after something serious. So I thought fair enough, nice to meet you end of the line. Anyway we kept talking and we are both single parents who have been in abusive relationships. We have a lot of shared values and if I wanted to share my life again with someone she would potentially be a good candidate. I told her again that I did not want a relationship. She said my story had reduced her to tears and she could see I am such a good sweet man. It's such a shame I did want anything serious she said. I have a lot of respect for her as she has been through hell and come out the other side. She asked me then can we be friends? I said OK, let's have a pot of tea and some cake sometime.

The trouble is I am not sure if I have done the right thing. Like I say I think she would make a good friend. I have loads of good friends but non who are single parents. Love to have a friend who know where I am coming from. But I am not sure if her offer of friendship come with an motive. She has messaged me saying this:

Your so cute ... I wish you was ready for a girl.
I think we would be great together ...
2 nice people looking after eachother & all our babies lol x

Now is it me or is this a little strong? I mean she did put lol at the end. Maybe it's my trust issues making me paranoid?

Do I entertain a friendship with her or is she clearly wanting more for me than i am ready to give. If so do I call off the whole thing?

Or am I shooting the goose that laid the golden egg. She appears to be great relationships material and so intelligent. I know this is a little shallow but the fact she is hot is also muddying my judgement.

OP posts:

CandPthisyoufuckers · 28/04/2016 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

summerainbow · 28/04/2016 19:25

Meet for coffee and see what she like real life .

TheDatingDoofus · 28/04/2016 19:29

No, you haven't done the right thing.

She is actually trying to coerce you into a relationship. Just block her and move on. She is not hearing your "no" and that's a very red flag.

FuckoffJournoScum · 28/04/2016 19:31

I would meet her once but do NOT so much as kiss her unless you are sure you want a proper relationship. Text can come across wrong so I would give her a chance. If you meet and you can see she is super into you and you aren't ready for that then back away.

Trills · 28/04/2016 19:34

She needs the advice of the dating thread.

14. IF THEY SAY THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP.

Do not meet her. It won't end well. She will think that maybe you do want a relationship. Maybe she'll even convince herself that she could do something casual, but really she'll be hoping that it turns into a relationship. She'll eventually be upset (and so might you) when it transpires that you want different things. You don't want that hassle.

happyandsingle · 28/04/2016 20:02

You confuse me op. In one thread your talking about meeting someone for a potenial relationship now your talking about meeting somene for a shag. I think you need to make up your mind about what it is you really want.....

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 28/04/2016 20:38

Sorry which threads are you referring too? There were some along time ago when I was still in a very mixed up place and loney. Missing the relationship and the woman I saw as my best friend and soul mate. If it's that one about loneliness your referring to? A lot has changed since then. I become so much more happy, confident and self aware. I have grown so much. I have reallised that I am my own free entaty and learning to be comfortable with being alone with the kids. I was heart broken and realised now I have no heart or stomach for a serious relationship. I must admit I have a fear of being minipulated and abused again. So yes I have made my mind up if that clears things up. If you referring to a old thread so much has changed in my life since then. It has been a hell of a roller coaster over that time. I feel now that I am finally loving and understanding my self.

So its not a matter of finally making my mind up. It is a progression though a path of self discovery and healing. I am at a stage now that I am comfortable with my self and what I want. But the world keep spinning and we all keep moving. Nothing is static. No doubt there will come a time when I am ready to share my life with someone again. But I know it's not now.

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 28/04/2016 20:50

You seem to be really dressing up just wanting a shag in quite flowery, spiritual terms. Do you think maybe she's a bit drawn to the anguished soul stuff?
Don't meet her,she wants marriage and babies and you want sex and a laugh.

Hissy · 28/04/2016 20:51

Mate, your last relationship was abusive. Your ex steam rollered your boundaries and pulverised you in the process.

You are being clear about what you want but This woman is not listening to you. She is trying to weave you into her web regardless of what you want.

It's too much, too soon.

The faster they heat up, the faster they turn on you. You're not ready yet to fight another fight with a manipulative woman.

Short version?: thank her for her time and run like the fucking wind.

Tell her that you want different things and it's not going to work. Block her immediately afterwards.

the photo is probably fake anyway.

Hissy · 28/04/2016 20:53

Nobody on fucking tinder wants marriage and babies. This woman is unhinged.

What kind of woman hurls herself like this at a bloke on tinder she's never met? A fucking car crash, that's who.

That "relationship" would end up in non mol orders and calls to the police for harassment. Fo sho

Trills · 28/04/2016 20:55

Nobody on fucking tinder wants marriage and babies.

You're very wrong there. Tinder has the full range of daters, it's not just for hookups.

Hissy · 28/04/2016 20:57

No. No way. Tinder is a hook up site.

Any "normal" site like POF or okc is bad enough, everyone knows that tinder is only a gnats fart up from Ashley Maddison

Hissy · 28/04/2016 21:00

1Dad, am super impressed tho that you're listening to your instincts!

You thought she was too full on, you felt uncomfortable and you've asked for validation.

Massive step forward there! Bloody well done!

Have you actually been on any dates yet?

Trills · 28/04/2016 21:00

You are wrong.

TheDatingDoofus · 28/04/2016 21:05

tinder is only a gnats fart up from Ashley Maddison

I haven't been on Tinder for long enough to offer an opinion, but this gave me a much-needed LOL tonight

Trills · 28/04/2016 21:07

It's a very amusingly-written comment. :o

It's wrong, but very good writing :)

BlueFolly · 28/04/2016 21:29

looking after eachother & all our babies lol x

Seriously?!!!

Christsake, putting lol after it doesn't make it right. She isn't listening to you.

VelvetSpoon · 28/04/2016 21:30

Utterly wrong re Tinder. Just like every dating site, there are people seeking ONS and others wanting marriage, children etc.

The only people I know who used Tinder were looking for serious relationships - 2 of those now have babies/are about to get married.

It's like saying no single person who goes to a pub/bar/nightclub is looking for a relationship!

Back to the OP, I share the confusion of others about what you actually want. If you are quite certain you don't want a relationship, then don't meet her. If however you think maybe you don't want one, but might in a while, still don't meet her. I suspect the latter is what she's hoping but it will probably end with her upset, or you feeling backed into a corner, which given you both have been in abusive relationships, is something you can do without.

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 28/04/2016 22:24

I think some people on tinder are looking for something deeper. I have seen some profiles of girls on there who have bother to write something on their profile have state they are looking for a relationship. I don't think they're lying. I do think their efforts may be better placed on another dating site.

You know my gut has a bad feeling about this one. But not just my gut. When I think about it rationally too. I mean we said friends but she starts talking about raising our kinds together. No that is a little full on even if I wanted to date. We haven't even met. I am sure she is as lovely as she seems but its a little odd. My life is complicated enough right now. I don't need this. As people have likewise pointed out its not why I am on Tinder.

It may be is paranoia again but what if she is trying groom me for something I clearly don't want? That would be coercion and manipulation? I have been controlled and manipulated before. This could be a step back in the wrong direction. When I think back my ex wife was telling me she loved me and wanted to spend her life we me within the first couple weeks of being with her. I am not sure if I am just being paranoid or am I learning from my mistakes. I don't think I am daft to worry about anyone coming on so strong after a few messages? Especially when I have told her I don't want a relationship.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 28/04/2016 22:41

I'm not seeing the "intelligent" bit in those messages

But yeah, what the others said re her not listening to you. Way way way too full on even if you did want a relationship! A "lol" does not make a joke about you ending up together - before you've even met! - acceptable. It's still cray cray.

Cabrinha · 28/04/2016 22:44

I don't think you need to get all in a knot about coercion and manipulation.
She doesn't sound manipulation - just a bit thick and a bit desperate, really.

Cabrinha · 28/04/2016 22:45

Definitely "NEXT!"

CocktailQueen · 28/04/2016 22:46

Well, if she writes things like

Your so cute ... I wish you was ready for a girl.

then I'd have to ditch her. Can't stand crap grammar.

But seriously - she's not listening to you.What sort of froot loop writes

2 nice people looking after eachother & all our babies lol x

before you've even met??? She's not listening.

Block her and move on. Listen to your gut! It's telling you something for a reason!

Czerny88 · 28/04/2016 22:47

Sorry to be judgy, but not sure why you think she's so intelligent if the text message you've quoted is indicative of her normal mode of communication.

ImperialBlether · 28/04/2016 22:51

I'm so glad you said that about bad grammar, Cocktail Queen! If someone said "I wish you was ready for a..." to me I'd run a mile!

As for looking after each other, I'd take that to mean you paying for things (though that might be unfair.)

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