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Original poster

Am I wrong in how I feel about DP's reaction to teen/child porn conversation?

90 replies

Followyourart · 28/04/2016 16:25

Was watching 24 hours in police custody last night, story about a paedophile that had been "set up" by a group of "paedophile hunters". I didn't want to watch it as it made me feel ill but DP wanted to see how it panned out, I suggested that it is the prevelence of "teen" porn that leads people to become paedophiles (not in all cases obviously) but I personally think it is a "progression" for some people. I also feel sickened that the "teen " category is so popular, and that this is simply accepted in society.
I might have raised my voice slightly only because I felt strongly about the subject - DP says "but they are children, not teens" I say, "yes but a teen is a child"
He then declares he's "going to bed" appears really angry, and doesn't speak to me when I get to bed / turns away from me.
Am I right to feel unnerved here? We've been together 3 years. The only thing I can think of is that he had a relationship with an 18 year old when he was 30... This didn't enter my head at the time.. Although that also, rightly or wrongly, unnerves me also sometimes.
Am I being weird about how he reacted? Was I expecting too much if him to agree with me about the teen porn thing? (He's 41 by the way, not 21.....)

OP posts:
Original poster
Followyourart · 28/04/2016 17:42

Thanks jan maybe I should've posted in chat, relationships being like Troll central and all..
Does not liking teen porn mean you hate porn in general? Never said that.

OP posts:
LogicalThinking · 28/04/2016 17:51

No, I said that I think child abuse (can be) a progression from using all of the teen porn that is prevalent on the internet.
I completely disagree with you. I don't think there is a progression. The teen category in porn is all over 18 and they don't even look that young. They are so obviously not children - It's just role play.
I don't think that a normal adult watching 'teen' porn would suddenly become interested in children.

There is a huge difference between a 13 yr old and an 18 yr old. Both are teenagers but the 13yr old is a child and the 18yr old is an adult.

The argument seems to have happened due to underlying issues and you did seem to be an undertone implying that he could be a paedophile. I can see why that went badly.

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2016 17:51

"
If you said you liked watching police dramas and I said "Ergh, you must be a murderer in waiting" you wouldn't like it, would you?"

Watching teen porn is not the same as watching a police drama.

Original poster
Followyourart · 28/04/2016 17:56

I can honestly say I wasn't thinking about his past relationship when having the conversation, but maybe I do have underlying issues - either way I think it was unfair of him to start shouting at me, given the nature of the programme and how it could be triggering for me.
Maybe I just don't think for myself enough, if I had been on my own I wouldn't have watched it, knowing it would've given me nightmares.

The question is though, why is it more icky for an 18 year old to be in a relationship with a 30 year old, than the same gap but older ages? What if she was particularly mature? I know I was quite an immature 18 year old.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 28/04/2016 17:57

How the feck did the OP imply he was a paedophile???

The OP has experienced abuse as a child, I haven't but I still find any man who indulges in teenage porn, whether they are 18 or not highly distasteful and hugely disrespectful to both myself and any female, especially a very young one who has no real life experience of sex and relationships, stop having a go at the OP for having morals and a stance against a vile industry - there's nothing wrong in not liking teenage porn, or in fact porn in any form.

LastInTheQueue · 28/04/2016 19:13

The question is though, why is it more icky for an 18 year old to be in a relationship with a 30 year old, than the same gap but older ages? What if she was particularly mature? I know I was quite an immature 18 year old.*

Because even if the 18yr old is mature for their age, they'll still be relatively emotionally inexperienced as someone who is 12yrs older. I think that gap closes as people get older. Mentally and emotionally 18 yr old and 30yr old me were two very different people.

pocketsaviour · 28/04/2016 19:26

Polarbear
Watching teen porn is not the same as watching a police drama.
Well done. Also, driving a car is not the same as riding a bike. Nor are knitting and crochet the same thing, however, useful parallels can be drawn.

Lastinqueue
Because even if the 18yr old is mature for their age, they'll still be relatively emotionally inexperienced as someone who is 12yrs older.

So what's the solution? Increase the age of consent? (Let's not forget it's 16 - so in the UK, any teen porn, if we're focussing on that, is showing actors who are pretending to be 2 full years older than the age of consent.)

Make everyone pass a test of emotional maturity before they get their Sex License? (We do it with cars!)

OP I am also a survivor of child sex abuse. I'm sorry you felt triggered and upset. If you think this issue is going to carry on upsetting you (I mean about your BF having had a relationship with a 18yr old) then you might want to consider your options.

LurcioAgain · 28/04/2016 19:39

Watching teen porn is not analogous to watching murder mysteries - that's a very poor analogy. In detective stories generally we as viewers are being invited to identify with the detective not the murderer. In teen porn the adult male viewer is being invited to identify with the male actor, imagine he's having sex on an underage girl, while masturbating (no one watches porn for the interesting plot twist). It is perfectly okay, OP, to think such behaviour is utterly grim. Iccertainly would, and I have no history of sexual abuse behind me.

Incidentally I have a relative with a police record for sex with an underage teenager. I've talked extensively to his offender management team in the context of protecting my DC. Like the majority of sex offenders against undrage victims he is not actually a hebophile in tge sense that his primary sexual orientation is pubescent children, he is an opportunistic offender who targets a group he has decided are vulnerable. This is why I think ppsters are being naive about the links between teen porn and offending. It may not directly cause someone to offend but it contributes to a culture which normalises and excuses such behaviour, and helps to take the brakes off offenders' pre-existing urges.

StealthPolarBear · 28/04/2016 19:40

Ok thanks for that sarcasm.
I'll bite. Watching teen porn is imo wrong. Watching police dramas is what people do after songs of praise on a Sunday night.

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 19:45

For a start it sounds likely that he watches a lot of porn! And perhaps "teen porn". If that's a dealbreaker for you (it is for many) then fair enough!

Given that he knows your experience of abuse he was very insensitive to want to watch the programme when you were there, and wrong to shout at you.

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 19:46

IMO a man dating an 18 year old age 31 is a red flag! Many might disagree but it's hugely different than, say, 30 and 43 or even 25 and 38.

AlleyCatandRastaMouse · 28/04/2016 19:47

OP I agree with you I really dislike teen porn and I do think there is a likelihood for porn being a gateway to sexual violence. I have heard much anecdotal evidence of teenagers becoming more desensitised to hardcore porn and having very 'high' expectations from their partners in terms of their own sexual encounters so I doubt older men are immune. I would be utterly creeped out by a middle aged man with a penchant for teen porn.

AnyFucker · 28/04/2016 19:50

I wouldn't touch any man with a barge pole that had a sexual relationship at 30 with an 18yo

The rest just passed me by, tbh

DownstairsMixUp · 28/04/2016 19:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

PlymouthMaid1 · 28/04/2016 19:54

I think he was angry because he feels you were judging his relationship with the 18year old hence 'they are children not teens'.

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 19:56

I dropped a male friend at 23 for dating an 18 year old who was still at school: it wasn't even the dating it was him and his friends being twats talking about her and "teens". Disgusting.

Buzzardbird · 28/04/2016 20:01

I'm surprised you got as far as marraige with someone that goes against everything you feel. (justified IMO).

Did you not think it was creepy at the time when he told you he had dated a teenager when he was 30?

I think he watches teen porn too by his over-reaction.

Creepy.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 28/04/2016 20:05

I think you and oh's priority needs to be sorting out your sex life. Plus maybe couples counselling or at the very least a frank conversation.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 28/04/2016 20:06

Just read you've only been together three years! You shouldn't have bedroom trouble already.

LurcioAgain · 28/04/2016 20:39

PP hasn't mentioned any problems with her sex life She is quite understandably freaked out by the fact that hrr partner seems to be defending grown men who fantasise about shagging young teens. (Though I wouldn't be surprised if it causes problems in future - I think if that genuinely is indicative of his views, a lot of women would go rightoff him sexually at this ppoint).

It is possible to be very very enthusiastic about adult consensual sex and yet find the idea of a man masturbating while imagining having sex with young teens utterly vile. It's even possible to really enjoy sex while feeling porn as a whole is morally unacceptable. Please let's not go down that tired old myth of "objects to porn"="frigid".

FreakinScaryCaaw · 28/04/2016 20:45

Read the whole thread Lurcio.....'But I'm 31 - so what does this suggest about his feelings for me? (Our sex life has dwindled significantly by the way, in the last 2 years'

Buzzardbird · 28/04/2016 20:46

Lurcio read again. They have been married 3yrs and sex life dwindled 2yrs ago. More than likely because she is a grown woman of 31?

Original poster
Followyourart · 29/04/2016 10:28

Thanks everyone for the advice - I'm really creeped out by it all still, I've never really given his previous relationship much thought but now it's really playing on my mind. I'm glad I'm not being weird for feeling creeped out by it and thinking it wasn't right.
When we first got together he had a female friend (doesn't speak to her now) but she would have been 24 at the time / him 37 - I found a Facebook conversation between him and her from years ago (I know, I snooped a long time ago) he was chatting her up, ok no problem but she was 20 and he would hs been about 34.. It's messing with my head, I always felt like the "younger woman" to an extent being 10 years younger, maybe this is what I wanted to feel, comparing myself to the really young girls he went out with and chatted to.
He just doesn't seem like that type of person,
I need to raise this with him but I'm actually scared of his reaction.

OP posts:
Original poster
Followyourart · 29/04/2016 10:28

We're not married, by the way.

OP posts:
Original poster
Followyourart · 29/04/2016 10:32

But now I think about it, most of his mates (the ones I don't like anyway) seem to be into younger women, they are his age and yet all seem to brag about being with women around 20.. He's stopped seeing them for the record - they are all very immature though.
I'm spamming my own thread! Sorry :-(

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