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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Parents vs Husband...confused!

78 replies

witsender · 25/04/2016 13:57

I'm a bit at a loss tbh. Back ground is that my parents while lovely, are quite overbearing. They both do a fine line in treating me like a child, and are very very good at making me feel guilty for the slightest thing. This has always been the way, and as such I now find it very hard to make a decision about anything in case it is the 'wrong' one and certainly struggle to assert an opinion. Disagreeing about things results in sulks, being told I'm selfish or rude etc.

My husband has little time for this, and while he is friendly and welcoming to them he has a strong sense of boundaries with them. So at times, he rails against them and their requests or whatever because he is so used to their behaviour. This means that sometimes maybe they are in the right, but he is so ready for them to be out of order that his back goes up, if that makes sense? My sister is just like them so it is a family trait.

I just don't know who is unreasonable really. Latest example was my mum hurt her foot on Sat apparently and dad took her to the drop in to be looked at, it was x rayed and all was fine, they were out in an hour. I didn't know this. Dh and the kids bumped into my dad that afternoon in a supermarket and told him. Dh didn't tell me, he was distracted by kids, saw lots of people he knew etc etc. Fast forward to today and my mum was a bit sulky when I saw her, turns out because I didn't ask after her foot. Told her I didn't know. They both then get cross (Very PA cross) that dh didn't tell me, mum gets wobbly lipped becAuse "I just thought he might be concerned about me"...to which dad scoffed in a quite derogatory way (towards my husband, in a 'as if' kind of way).

I just said that he probably thought I knew as we tend to talk regularly and that he was busy with the kids etx and didn't think about it.

So now, they are still quite PA sulky about it. On the one hand I think 'FFS We are all grown ups now, and we don't have to be the Waltons and live in each other's pockets, don't read so much into this' on the other I think maybe DH should have told me, should try and show more affection/attention towards them.

Now I will end up tiptoeing round them being extra jolly until they get over this slight, which seems to demonstrate to them that he is uncaring yadda yadda. He is such a lovely man, lovely to me, involved with the kids as much as I am, treats us well etc etc...it just doesn't seem to be good enough because he doesn't cowtow to them.

This is such a ramble and as always, there is way more to this than just this last incident, but it brought it to the forefront of my mind.

OP posts:
OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 25/04/2016 19:11

^The least he could do is to help her by letting her know and then she can decide the best way to handle the situation.
They can have a chat about how to deal with her parents so they are on the same wavelength.
Atm the OP says she would have like to know that her mum had hurt herself and her DH should take that into account, not take the unilateral decision that this is not important enough to even remember about it.^

good grief, the man forgot a minor incident.

It's not negotiating the entry of Turkey into the EU.

OP your parents sound Professionally Offended. There's only one thing to do with people like that, parents or not - let them get on with it. Life really is too short to be endlessly stressed about trying not to upset the Professionally Offended.

You married your husband and he sounds a sensible, laid back and nice man. Make a decision to support him, don't give him hassle over forgetting a minor incident when he's busy and if you have to, get some therapy to sort out your need to keep your parents pleased with you.

FlyingScotsman · 25/04/2016 19:18

Yes he forgot. Poor him. Or is it poor OP as she the one who is having to deal with her parents?

What I am saying is the fact that her DH forgot is because he has ENOUGH of her parents antics so is deciding not to get involved and that means not really caring about what they are telling him. That's a bit like when a father never hears his dcs crying at night because he knows he doesn't have to get up (but as soon as he knows he is the one who has, suddenly he can hear them straight away)
They are offended that he is showing he doesn't care about them. But tbh, her DH doesn't.

Now I can see his pov and I can understand why.

What I am saying is that he should take the OP situation into account, ie tailor his reaction to what works best for her (because she is the one dealing with it).

blueberrypie0112 · 25/04/2016 19:27

I am sure her husband would have told her immediately if it was something serious, rather he like them or not. But your parents were on a witch hunt against your husband. If anything, not that it would matter, I would be relieved it is because my daughter did not know about it.

Veterinari · 25/04/2016 19:28

If the roles were reversed here and it was a MIL thread, then the OP would be told that she doesn't have a MIL problem, she has a DH problem.

OP unfortunately your DH has a DW problem - they're your parents not his, he didn't marry them, if you want your marriage to succeed then you need to be a team with him and put firm boundaries in place with your parents

lottiegarbanzo · 25/04/2016 19:29

I see what you're saying FlyingScotsman but her parents don't have an illness that she has a duty to deal with. She does not need to prostrate herself before them emotionally and make herself their victim. She chooses to.

Her choice has negative effects on her relationship and on her husband.

She needs to develop some self-awareness, grow a backbone and stop facilitating some unpleasantly manipulative people in their desire to do down her husband.

She needs to find a way to care a lot less about their nonsense herself. Her caring about it actively imposes a strain on her DH and her relationship with him. Her choice.

OP and her DH need to be able to work together on this, as one. The change required for that to be possible comes from her.

OnceAMeerNotAlwaysAMeer · 25/04/2016 19:33

He may have just actually forgotten ... no deeper meaning to it!

it might help the OP if he mentions it future but from all she has said, they sound like they are actively looking for reasons to dislike him. The poor OP's in the middle here and she's the only one who can alter the status quo.

There probably won't be any ideal solution, if she stands up for herself and her husband then they're going to get upset and if she doesn't then she'll carry on being worn ragged trying to keep the peace with people who are leaping on any excuse to be offended. Worst case, her husband has enough and leaves her to it ... it's happened in similar situations, though he sounds as though he's handling nightmare ILs pretty well.

curren · 25/04/2016 19:33

Yes he forgot. Poor him. Or is it poor OP as she the one who is having to deal with her parents?

Clearly you have never forgot something. Not sure why you are insisting on casting her DH as partly responsible for her parents behaviour.

You have no idea wether he forgot, or chose to put it out of his mind.

curren · 25/04/2016 19:34

Yes he forgot. Poor him. Or is it poor OP as she the one who is having to deal with her parents?

Clearly you have never forgot something. Not sure why you are insisting on casting her DH as partly responsible for her parents behaviour.

You have no idea wether he forgot, or chose to put it out of his mind.

mummytime · 25/04/2016 20:09

If it was you DH posting he would be told he didn't have a IL problem but a partner problem, and that you should be backing him up more.

Do your parents care for your children? If so it could be tricky, as ideally you need to get some distance from your parents and try to sort out what you want. And think about your role in the family, and how you could change this. Also think about loyalty to your husband; who in the words of the old marriage service "you left your mother and father ... To cleave to".

blueberrypie0112 · 25/04/2016 20:13

Nope, even I forgot to tell my DH every single details about his family. I usually visit them because my husband rarely have time.

RandomMess · 25/04/2016 20:23

I don't think your parents are "lovely, while overbearing" they are actually quite unpleasant with their behaviour towards you and your DH.

Sulking, being PA, criticising, putting guilt trips on you - this isn't the behaviour of "lovely" people.

Your parents are unreasonable and you are very conditioned into making excuses for their unpleasant behaviour!

Original poster
witsender · 25/04/2016 20:29

I completely agree, I must be a nightmare in many regards...My insecurity, second guessing, running myself down, inability to say no to them. I'm so aware of it, genuinely. If there is any minor agreement with them (or anyone tbh, but especially them) I am anxious for the rest of the day, constantly seeking reassurance that I haven't done wrong. It must be hugely tiresome as a partner.

I do stand up for him though, I think, and have been making an effort to disengage. I posted about another issue a while back, and disengagement did work/didn't rile further.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2606187-Aibu-to-think-that-if-you-want-need-help-and-a-favour-you-need-to-ask

They do look after our son one morning a week, at their request as they love having him, he could go to preschool. Our daughter is HE but they don't want both at the same time as they can be quite full on so she goes to a childminder for that morning.

OP posts:
CodyKing · 25/04/2016 20:30

Reading your telephone conversation - your reaction is to

Diffuse
Smooth over
Excuse

But in an over the top fashion

So rather than "he must have forgot"

It's he's busy
Met lots of people
Mind on the kids

Etc

... You are making excuses to prevent a fall out -

Original poster
witsender · 25/04/2016 20:31

I don't think he realised he was meant to relay the message, nothing more sinister tbh.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 25/04/2016 20:42

They do look after our son one morning a week, at their request as they love having him, he could go to preschool. Our daughter is HE but they don't want both at the same time as they can be quite full on so she goes to a childminder for that morning

That's quite convoluted. Do they pay for the CM and does your dd know that's why she goes to the CM Hmm

Honestly your dh sounds decent and normal. Good for him for not rising to it.

You need to put distance between you and your parents. They're ruining your mental health.

PhoenixReisling · 25/04/2016 20:49

So they are even dictating when/how they have your DC.

Original poster
witsender · 25/04/2016 20:51

Sorry, not as convoluted as it sounds. I work 3 mornings a week, DD used to be at school. My parents used to have him one morning a week, so he goes to preschool two mornings.

When we took DD out of school they said they wouldn't have felt comfortable having both as a regular thing, I hadn't even asked because I didn't want to put too mucch on them. So she goes to a CM that morning, paid for by us. She is only 5, so she hasn't really picked up on the nuance as yet. She is fine on her own, as is he...put them together and they are a whirlwind! I was saying to DH last night though that it worries me that maybe she may notice, hopefully DH's working pattern will change after the summer anyway so she won't need to go anywhere.

OP posts:
blueberrypie0112 · 25/04/2016 20:54

Do they spend one in one time with your other child? Seem a little unfair to me.

Original poster
witsender · 25/04/2016 21:09

Yes, they do take her out sometimes and mum offers to teach her sewing etc, but finds it frustrating because being 5 she doesn't sit still often! She is more energetic than my younger child. So they do try to see her one on one, just not as regularly.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 25/04/2016 21:12

She is 5 - they tend to get less "cooperative" as they get older. At least mine are anyway!

blueberrypie0112 · 25/04/2016 21:17

Still sound unfair they only want to look after children who behave like little adults.

Or whoever is easier.

MillieMoodle · 25/04/2016 21:26

OP, my parents are almost exactly the same as you have described. And my DH is the one who tries to put boundaries in place, with the result that my DM makes passive aggressive comments designed to make me feel bad. I am much better now at voicing my own opinion, but I still worry afterwards that I have done something to upset them if I do anything which goes against their opinion or isn't exactly how they would do something. I've only recently realised that they are pretty controlling and over invested; it really doesn't help that I'm an only child so have had all their attention my entire life.

I have spent a lot of time feeling caught in the middle between DH and DPs but really am trying not to be drawn into feeling guilty or anxious about things. DH doesn't see a lot of them; I tend to visit them with DS. They are getting marginally better gradually, but it is a painful process! If they want to sulk, I let them sulk now. I still feel bad (which is ridiculous. I know) but I don't pander to them by being over jolly etc. I just leave them to it until they've snapped out of it.

Thanks for you, I really do sympathise!

mummytime · 26/04/2016 06:59

You need to think about how this feels to your DC. They seem to like/value your DS more than you DD. Their having you DS one morning isn't helping you, in fact if he went to pre school and they had your DD that would've far more valuable and seem fairer. Not having her on a regular basis is unfair (and don't think they don't notice).
Do they prefer boys?

Hissy · 26/04/2016 07:37

They don't give a shit about anyone but themselves! Everything is on their terms.

It all shrieks Me me me me me me me! Your h has the measure of them alright!

Disengage, stop the unequal grand parenting/favouritism.

And stop flurrying around if your bloody mother sneezes!

santsandpocks · 26/04/2016 08:02

I totally sympathise with you OP. My parents (well particularly my DM) are just like yours. I had years of counselling, an eating disorder and a failed marriage and I truly believe that they have played a huge part in all of this. They have been supportive to me, in their eyes but on their own terms and if I do something they don't agree with there is hell to pay, being ignored, called ungrateful etc etc

I do not want to go nc with them (although I know this would be easier) as I have 2dcs who adore them and they are amazing with, again on their own terms though, and I have learnt to deal with this. I have a strange relationship with them now in which we are close but I'm never honest with them as it just isn't worth the hassle. I live my own life, tell them what the need to know, no more and it seems to work for me now.

I urge you to stay strong with your DH, he definitely sounds like he has the measure of them and if you can work through it with him then I would. I had a DH who wasn't supportive, who wouldn't talk to me and was so wrapped up in himself so I had no one to share the burden with Thanks