Parents vs Husband...confused!

[witsender]

I'm a bit at a loss tbh. Back ground is that my parents while lovely, are quite overbearing. They both do a fine line in treating me like a child, and are very very good at making me feel guilty for the slightest thing. This has always been the way, and as such I now find it very hard to make a decision about anything in case it is the 'wrong' one and certainly struggle to assert an opinion. Disagreeing about things results in sulks, being told I'm selfish or rude etc.

My husband has little time for this, and while he is friendly and welcoming to them he has a strong sense of boundaries with them. So at times, he rails against them and their requests or whatever because he is so used to their behaviour. This means that sometimes maybe they are in the right, but he is so ready for them to be out of order that his back goes up, if that makes sense? My sister is just like them so it is a family trait.

I just don't know who is unreasonable really. Latest example was my mum hurt her foot on Sat apparently and dad took her to the drop in to be looked at, it was x rayed and all was fine, they were out in an hour. I didn't know this. Dh and the kids bumped into my dad that afternoon in a supermarket and told him. Dh didn't tell me, he was distracted by kids, saw lots of people he knew etc etc. Fast forward to today and my mum was a bit sulky when I saw her, turns out because I didn't ask after her foot. Told her I didn't know. They both then get cross (Very PA cross) that dh didn't tell me, mum gets wobbly lipped becAuse "I just thought he might be concerned about me"...to which dad scoffed in a quite derogatory way (towards my husband, in a 'as if' kind of way).

I just said that he probably thought I knew as we tend to talk regularly and that he was busy with the kids etx and didn't think about it.

So now, they are still quite PA sulky about it. On the one hand I think 'FFS We are all grown ups now, and we don't have to be the Waltons and live in each other's pockets, don't read so much into this' on the other I think maybe DH should have told me, should try and show more affection/attention towards them.

Now I will end up tiptoeing round them being extra jolly until they get over this slight, which seems to demonstrate to them that he is uncaring yadda yadda. He is such a lovely man, lovely to me, involved with the kids as much as I am, treats us well etc etc...it just doesn't seem to be good enough because he doesn't cowtow to them.

This is such a ramble and as always, there is way more to this than just this last incident, but it brought it to the forefront of my mind.

Xpost

You are overthinking because you are caught up in between your parents and your DH, both of whom are imposing their expectations/unhappiness onto you.

That sounds exhausting - trying to pussyfoot around so that no one else is annoyed or upset.

Can you afford counselling? That might help you get on a more even keel with this.

Or reading the books might do it.

I'm not massively young, 35!

It sounds like it's your parents that are the issue and that your dh cares about you a lot, and can see them for what they are. I don't see what he has done wrong at all, he forgot, so what? It's a distraction from then acting like small children.

I should clarify, DH didn't make him apologise is a toddler/parent fashion...Just said that he didn't want to spend time with them if they felt that way about him and treated me in such a way. That I was free to do what I wanted, but he wanted to keep clear.

found myself wondering whether to mention it to dh.

Depends how you word it!

Your parents are BU, for all the reasons others have given. You need to distance yourself from them (subtly if possible so they don't notice and hassle you as to why).

What a pair of attention seeking drama queens your parents are!

Your dad 'doesn't do apologies'!!! Who does he think he is, god?

Your dad told your DH your Mum's foot had been checked and was fine. So there was no news to report.

Sure, it must have been a bit bruised and it might have been polite for him to enquire after it if he saw her within a few days. He could have mentioned it in passing to you. He could just as well not. No big deal. You talk to your mum regularly, so if it was a big deal to her she'd have mentioned to her herself.

Note - the fact that she did not tell you herself, rather chose to wait and see whether DH told you, then throw a strop about DH, tells you that your parents were deliberately playing games.

I don't blame your DH in the slightest for tuning down (or out) all their nonsense. He must be very patient to put up with close contact with them at all. I don't think I would have that patience. My tolerance for adults behaving like small children is very low.

I agree with those who have said that you'd really benefit from counselling, if you can afford it, or at least by reading some of the books mentioned. Your parents sound very overbearing and the whole dynamic sounds quite dysfunctional. It sounds like your DH has realised this, and is distancing himself from them. That's actually quite a healthy thing for him to do; he's setting boundaries.

You may well find that you're a lot happier if you follow his lead, set boundaries, and stop getting caught up in all the drama and tiptoeing round. That doesn't mean that you hate your parents or shut them out completely, but that you take back control of your own life and decide for yourself what you're prepared to put up with.

another point, your dad was out at the shops, they hadn't called you, it was a non incident &only because he happened on your OH did the news get mentioned. Your OH was out with the kids & had other things & people on his mind. I doubt he intentionally omitted to tell you. if he had thought of it, he might have said, "oh you didn't mention your mum was in A& E again"....
I think your OH sounds great (he was out with your kids for starters)
Your parents need to be told to stop whipping up a storm.

I just don't know who is unreasonable really

Honestly?

Your DH sounds (a) normal; and (b) actually very nice. He isn't picking fights unnecessarily, from what you say in your OP, but looking out for you and refusing to put up with bad behaviour from your parents.

You yourself say your parents are 'overbearing', treat you like a child, call you unpleasant things and sulk.

So why are you standing in the middle of this trying not to take sides, and always placating your parents? (Well, I know why, habit, conditioning, and deep down, being too nice to kick them into touch. I have done the same).

If I were you, I would stop trying to take a middle line and get myself over to DH's side to work out a joint strategy on how to deal with them. Never reward nastiness or bad behaviour by being 'extra jolly' or placating them.

Honestly, try to free yourself from taking responsibility from their unfair expectations and reactions. The fact that they aren't happy does not mean that you have done something wrong.

Ok so here's the thing. Husband > Parents.

When you marry you create a future that simply does not include your parents. They will at some stage be dead after all!

That's not to say that your relationship with your parents needs to be distant - far from it. But it does require a certain redrawing of the dynamic. You are a team with your husband and they do not have the right to coach that team.

It seems like your dynamic with your parents is essentially unchanged since before your relationship began.

This tying yourself up in knots in case you are stirring by telling your husband. .....of course you should tell him. He's your life partner. So what if he gets a snot and it reinforces to him that your parents are manipulative? THEY ARE!

You have to think more in terms of "we". Meaning "him and I". It's not enough to say the right words if you're massively conflicted inside. People can sense that! You have to really believe it.

You haven't once mentioned any boundaries that you yourself have installed since you married. I think it's high time you started thinking of some.

Btw I speak from experience.

Your parents sound completely over-invested in your life ........... they seriously need to back off. My parents are in their 80s and wouldn't dream of telling me about their ill health - unless I specifically ask.

I agree with Elspeth the dynamic of your relationship needs to change now you're an adult. However, this will take time and a shift in your own perspective.

It seems at the moment you are being almost forced to take sides (dh or parents) over various issues which must be awful for you and in the grand scale of things, unnecessary.

My mother behaves like your parents do....I'm now NC with her.

I really recommend (as other PP have said) counselling or therapy. I had CBT (you can do an online course) and it really helped me unpick things and understand why I reacted the way I did. For instance, I found out that she used emotional blackmail/intimidation as emotionally she was a child. When we used to argue, it would always be expected for me to apologise. Instead of accepting the apology and moving on, it would end with me in tears as I had to get verbally punished for whatever grievance. Anyway, I degress this is not a functional family but dysfunctional family that is about control.

What I would say is, they see your DH as the bad guy because he has boundaries and will stand up for you both. You need to disengage, stop spending so much time with them and ignore any guilt trips etc. Remember, you shouldn't have to feel like you are walking on egg shells all the time, it's just not healthy.

If a grown up had a strop because DH had omitted to mention a non event - and they sulked - I'd let them -

I wouldn't tiptoe around them - ring them - or arrange to meet them -

How did you react to DM "telling you the news" and what did you say when she said "DH doesn't care?"

I didn't really...I was dropping my son off and getting off to work...convo went like this:
Walk in the door...
DM: "Did H (dh) tell you?"
Me: Tell me what?"
DM: "What, you mean he didn't tell you?"
Me: "I don't know what you're talking about?"
DM: Sadly "oh I just thought he'd tell you I'd been to the hospital because I hurt my foot, dad told him when we saw him."
Me: Erm, I don't know, he was busy with the kids etc etc"
DM: "I just thought he might be a bit concerned or something, but apparently not as he didn't even mention it to you."
Dad: "Hmph, eyebrow raise, head shake, exasperated look"
Me: "I''m sure he was concerned, but he bumped into a lot of people, was chasing the kids around the supermarket and probably just assumed I already knew."
Me: "So what happened, I know you hurt it last week, is it ok etc etc"
DM: "No this is different, I did it on XYZ, they x rayed and said it is fine." Lots of sighs and sad smiles.

If you made it through that turgid screenplay well done!

Yep....that is exactly how my mother would of reacted.

I still think that yout DH should have remembered about telling you about your mum, even more so because he knows what sort of effect it can have on you.

he forgot. He didn't purposely not tell her. People don't forget on purpose. If it was on purpose it would be omitting.
He was busy and forgot.

God that made my hackles rise just reading it. Your mum is being fucking ridiculous and PA!!

I have parent issues of a similar sort

Next time this happens or similar try this.

DM: "Did H (dh) tell you?"
Me: Tell me what?"
DM: "What, you mean he didn't tell you?"
Me: "I don't know what you're talking about?"
DM: Sadly "oh I just thought he'd tell you I'd been to the hospital because I hurt my foot, dad told him when we saw him."

i would either have kept silent after this or asked how the foot was

DM: "I just thought he might be a bit concerned or something, but apparently not as he didn't even mention it to you."
Dad: "Hmph, eyebrow raise, head shake, exasperated look"

after this try doing this

Me: "So what happened, I know you hurt it last week, is it ok etc etc"
DM: "No this is different, I did it on XYZ, they x rayed and said it is fine." Lots of sighs and sad smiles.
Me: oh glad to hear that it wasn't anything serious, I'll see you later....bye

y I should be upset on my parents' behalf because I want everyone to like each other

This jumped out at me. Your role in your family is the peacemaker- I'm the same.

It has taken me a long time to realise what a damaging position this is to be in. You are taking on everyone's trouble and trying to make it better. If you don't, you feel terrible anxiety don't you?

Your parents sound like nightmares.

DH could of been of the opinion that they'd call if it was worth mentioning. They deliberately didn't call because it wasn't serious and they wanted a stick to beat you both with.

I'd have asked them why they hadn't called you if it was noteworthy, put the onus on them.

Tbh I too think your DH sounds 'normal' and you sound like you've had years of conditioning.

You'd do well to consider his opinion on situations to do with them and show more trust in his judgement because yours is clearly not good where they are concerned.

Some sort of therapy does sound a good idea. I've met people in thrall to their parent(s) like you, who've failed to detach enough to become independent, emotionally functional adults. It has had disastrous effects on their relationships. You see it a lot here too.

The issue I've observed with a friend and read about here is always that it is ultimately the 'child' - you - who is the problem, because you fail to set and enforce boundaries with your parents, so not only allow them to affect the DP and relationship negatively but collude in this.

From the convo, they were there to catch him up not telling you about it and for them to make a point about it 'He doesn't care about us'.

In effect, they haven't forgiven the incident and are looking for reasons to show how inconsierate he is.
Otherwise, why on earth starting a conversatyion with 'Did H tell you?' wo even saying what it was about .