Need your viewpoint on this guy. Regarding to what the way he treats his past 'One night stand', just based on this ONS situation only.

[thestairs]

Hi, I'm very sorry; this is a long-winded wordy post. Warning: very LONGGG post ahead..
I know it going to be hard to read it all, but please please read through the whole post. I really want to hear your viewpoint, what you think of this guy. Regarding to what he did, the way he treats his past 'One night stand'.. Especially the bold part in the bracket. Please read the bold part in the bracket throughly, it very important (it about what he did in the ONS, and the way he treats the ONS).
I need your viewpoints/inputs, anything on what you think on this guy based on this ONS situation only. Just based on this single situation only, what you think about a guy like him? As in what does it say about his character, what it say about him based on this stituation only--what he did on the ONS and the way he treats the ONS.

okay, The situation: In all fairness to him, it happened 10-11 years ago. This happened a decade ago when when he 20 (he 30 now).
What happened was a decade ago/back in his college age days, when he was single; he had 2 "One night stand" condom on sex.. It was just the 'purely' physical sex, zero emotions into it. It was just two people wants to get into each other pants for the physical sex.

He said he have zero feelings for those ONS girls. It was a one time thing where both parties agree to the arrangement of the physical sex, and he leaves afterwards.. He make it clear in the begining that he will not stay the night, he will not call, he will not keep in touch.
He also make it clear that he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't even want 'friends with benefits'. He just want the physical sex (so does the girl). The ONS girl agree with that arrangement.
The girl and him both want the physical sex, there No emotions involved.

I understand that he doesn't want a baby at the college age, and he doesn't want to pay for child support, so on his ONS he always wear a condom. This agree with him that he do the right thing to use safe sex and protect himself.. I guess he smart, he sure saw alot of guys with baby mama drama out there, so he make sure not to get himself in to the position like those guys.
Safe sex sure help avoid alot of headache and drama, especially when you not ready for a baby.

He said he doesn't do anything wrong because he make it very clear in the beginning that the arrangement was: purely physical sex--condom on, and he leave right after sex; the girl agree to it.. It simply just two people who wants to get into each other pants.
The ONS girl agree with the arrangement. Both parties agree with the arrangement, that was why the ONS happened.. He woudn't have the ONS if the girl didn't agree with the arrangement. It about fairness to himself and fairness to the girl.

He believe in fairness, and he wants to be fair to the girl. He doesn't want to give the girl false hope.. He make it very clear he doesn't want to be in a relationship, and he Not looking for a relationship. The ONS happened because the girl agree to the arrangement, he make it very clear in the begining; he not leading her on. He didn't do anything wrong.
When he doesn't want a relationship, he will honestly say he doesn't want a relationship. He said he will not give give a girl hope when it isn't hope there.

okay, fine. BUT here what I find him cold and cruel. Picture this okay, so basically on those two ONS of his--He had sex with the ONS girl, jerk it off into his condom. And leave right after sex, go on with his street life like nothing happened.. He doesn't stay the night, he doesn't call, doesn't keep in touch with those girls. He leave right after sex, he doesn't care about being nice or being civil.
I understand that he wear a condom for safety for protection, he doesn't want to pay for child support blah blah.. But the thing is he so careful to the point that before he climax--with the condom on he still pull out. And he finish himself off in the condom/jerk it off into the condom; outside no where near the girl's vagina.
Basically he doesn't trust the ONS girl/the 2 ONS he had in his past.
Heck, he probably doesn't even trust the condom because with condom on he still pull out, and ejaculate outside (he pull out, and then finish himself off in the condom all outside).

Yes, you read it right. He wear a condom but he still careful to the point to make sure that he pull out before climax; pull out with the condom still on, and finishes by hand help himself. He jerk it off into the condom after he already pull out.
Heck, the condom still on but he still pull out; and he finishes by hand--jerk it off into the condom all outside. His ejaculate was no where near her vagina, he that beep careful. I feel that he so cold and cruel.
And he leave afterwards. Yes, he leave right after sex, go on with his life like nothing happened. No feelings No emotions involved. it was just the 'purely' physical sex.
Isn't all that just cold and cruel? I know it his body. I know he extra careful but he selfish, it all about himself. I feel that he doesn't trust the 2 ONS girls at all. All he care about is him, him and him only.

From what he did with his past 2 ONS; I feel that he wants to avoid the chance of pregnancy at any cost, like avoid it avoid it.. Eventhough it a one time thing sex with condom on, but he still that beep careful.
I asked him if he miss those ONS girls or think of them? He said No, he doesn't miss them, he doesn't think of them.. Physical sex is just physical sex, there no emotional attachment to it. He doesn't even know those girls.
I asked if he text, phone or keep in touch with those ONS girl afterwards? He said No, he said doesn't see the needs to because he make it very clear in the beginning already. He not looking for relationship, he not even looking for 'FWB'. So what is the need of text phone, or keep in touch with them?
What he wants was just he physical sex, (so does those girls). After done with sex, leaves afterwards go on with his life. The girls agree with the arragement and agree with him leave after sex, therefore he doesn't own that two ONS girls anything.

I asked him; "what IF"--what IF the ONS girl get pregnant, what would he do. I asked him would he married her?
You know how cold his answer is? He said No, he said he will not married her.. Because he doesn't love her, he doesn't have any feelings for her, he doesn't even know her. He will not married the girl just because she got pregnant from the one time ONS. (Given how careful he is even with condom on; she got pregnant from that one single time sex with condom on is a No).
He won't married any girl, unless he loves her. Unless he loves and have feelings for the girl; or else he won't married her. He wants to be fair to himself and as well be fair to the girl.. To him it all about his fairness and balance scale.

Anyways, I continue asked him answer me, "what IF"--the what IF question if she got pregnant then what? He answered, he said he will pay for child support, be in the baby life, spend time with the baby, buy whatever things the baby needs. He will will fullfill his role as a father.. But between him and that ONS girl: it simply he the dad of the baby, and she the mom of the baby; that's all to it.
He will Not married her, he will Not have sex with her again.. It a ONS, it a one time thing sex and it will remained a one time thing; there won't be a second time sex.
He will fulfill his duty as a father; pay for child support, be in the baby life, buy whatever things the baby need, watch the baby grow up.. But that it, he won't married the ONS girl, and he won't sleep with her again: ONS will remain a ONS--one time sex.
He wish her all the happiness; find her man/her husband, find her happiness.. But him--he won't married her, because he doesn't love her. He wants to be fair to himself, fair to her, and fair to the baby.

That his fairness scale, probably the point of extreme? Seem like this guy is very black and white in his views, there no grey line, he doesn't blur the line. It rather black or white, not in between.
He doesn't let girls or physical sex influence his decision. He can clearly separate love, feelings, emotions, sex.. He sure can separate the ONS purely physical sex, separate it from the sex with emotional attachment. He can damn clearly separate if he loves the girl or not.
Like for example with his ONS above; when there no feelings then there no feelings, he very straightforward, he make it very clear since.. It very black and white to him, it so easy and so clearly to him.
And he doesn't need any girls to stroke his ego, he doesn't need a girl to be in relationship with. He confident in himself.. Frankly, I think he is a cold and self-centered guy. I feel that he not capable of love any girl, I'm not sure if he capable of truly love any girl.
What do you see from this guy? Based on waht he do in his ONS/how he treast his ONS, especially the bold part in the bracket.. Isn't he kind of cold, self-centered, cocky? I feel that he not capable of truely love any girl. Can you find yourself be his girl, be with a guy like him? Be his girl--be his woman (especially knowing the way he treats his past ONS, knowing those stuff above about him).

He sounds like a good guy. You, on the other hand, sound like a deranged bunny boiler.

To Cabrinha,
He doesn't kiss my tummy everyday. He said when I'm pregnant, he wants me to let him kiss my tummy EVERYDAY for 9 months until the baby born.
He only kiss my tummy sometimes, like when he lays his head on my lap and watch News, then he kiss my tummy because he already right there with his head on my lap, lol

He does kiss my butt cheek alot. For example, I have the bad habit of sleeping on my stomach. And I lay in bed on my stomach playing on my laptop. Whenever he see me lay on my stomach, he would kiss my butt cheek.
If he walk in the bedroom and see me laying flat on my stomach, he would go up and kiss my butt cheek. I just giggles, lol
To me it just sooo awkward! I told him it embarrassing. But he said he have nothing to be embarrassed about that he kiss his wife butt cheek.

One thing he does everyday for the past 14 months in our marriage is he give me a kiss every time he comes home from work. Perhaps this has become a habit of him.
And No, it not a quick peck kind.. But it the full kiss lips to lips then mouth to mouth. His kiss start out as the Lingering deep kiss then it gets to French kiss.
You know what I mean?
I don't know how to French kiss, so I pretty much just let him do the work and let him kiss me the way he wanted. I do try to kiss him back, it just that I don't know how to kiss him like the way he kiss me. You know?

He is a good husband. He do laundry, he cleans the bathroom. I married him for 14 months already and NEVER once he let me touch the bathroom or do laundry. He said things like doing laundry and clean the bathroom is the husband job.
He wants to do it, so I let him do it so he can be happy. It not worth it a fight over this.
I do cook for him everyday, I do very light cleaning around the house. That pretty much my job as his wife, lol.. the rest he do it all.

He very protect of me. For example, last time I dropped a big glass cup in the kitchen.. Oh man, the glass break into many pieces big and small, and the tiny pieces glass shattered all over the kitchen floor.
I guess he knows he married a clumsy wife, lol
He didn't get mad, he said he does Not want me to touch the broken glass pieces. Because he worried that the broken glass pieces might cut my finger if I pick it up. So I let him pick it up and clean it all up.
This was the first time I dropped glass.
The broken glass pieces sure does look sharp. But the use his fingers to pick it all up. Since the broken glass pieces shattered all over the kitchen floor, it was a mess.. But he won't let me help him; he said let him pick it up, he doesn't want my fingers get cut if I pick it up.

Other than little things like these, our daily life very simple.
He works long hours, he come home take a shower and then eat. I prepare him dinner while he take a shower. Then he eat dinner, we talk on dinner table.
After dinner he cleans the kitchen, and I wash the dishes.
Then he went to watch News, and I watch it with him. Then we spend the time we have together. And we headed to bed, we go sleep at the same time and wake up at the same time.
He does have half a day off on weekend. And he use it to do laundry for me. He make sure before he go to his part time weekend job, he get the laundry done for me.

On his half day off or his day off, he take me to the mall, we go to the movies, he walk around the park, there alot of entertainments places here, marketplace, alot places to go around. We live right in the city.
He generous with his money, he give me money every time he get pays. And when he take me to the mall, he buy me clothes shoe; whatever I want to buy, he said chose it, and he pay.
Last time I want a pair of Express jean, it cost $85 (it kindda pricey for a pair of jeans). He knows I'm frugal, I won't buy it for myself, because I keep save and save money.
He knows I'm like that, so he buy 5 pairs for me. I thought that was very generous of him. I don't need 5 pairs, but he get me 5 pairs.
He really nice to me, he not bully me or anything.

I just wish I can get over the ONS past of his, because it bother me so much.
I just don't know how to get over it, I just can't get over it.
I know this before I married him, and even till today after I married him already, I still can't get over it.

No, my name does not begin with an L.
I have a Chinese name that means Snow in English. It 雪 , in Mandarin Chinese pronounce is Xue.
I still have my Chinese name, first name and last name.
I didn't took his last name when I married him. He doesn't mind. He very understanding of my culture, he try his best to understand my culture. He very respectful.
If we have a baby in the future, the baby will have his last name ofcourse.
It just that me as his wife, I didn't want to take his last name.

What an incredible amount of detail...

I was just answer PP question, because PP asked me if my name start with an L.
Sorry, next time I just click send a message to answer the question. Sorry.

I meant the previous post, with a minute by minute word picture of your day. Why?

Is there a chance that you are making him pay time and time again for these ONS that have absolutely nothing to do with you? I understand that people can get hooked on a "something" about another but really - his past is nothing to do with you now other than it seems to control everything you say and do which is way beyond normal perameters. How do you feel about the idea of counselling for these intrusive thoughts? Or are you, deep down, thinking that you wish you had not married?

Yes, you're overthinking this.

Having ONS when you're 20 is normal.

Your husband sounds very nice.

CALM DOWN.

Oh, and the level of detail you have of his ONS is disturbing. This is his private sex life, before he even knew you. It's not on to interrogate him about it.

I'm sorry my posts is just blocks of rambling text. I always type straight out what in my head, I don't think before I talk.. And I know my train of thoughts are scatter all over the place. I have no clarity, and I'm easily confuse.
There was a poster give me advice said I have a monkey brain. It accurate, I do have a monkey brain.

I was just answer to Cabrinha, she said my husband kiss my tummy is disturbing and over excessive. So I write out his quirks, how we go by in our daily life. See if there anything that she can see that is disturbing, perhaps she can help give me advice to fix it. That is all.
I'm sorry for the details post, please just ignore it if it in any way bother you.

Just think about the amazing way he treats you, that should be enough.

There are very unfortunate people that post on here that get treated very poorly. You should think yourself very lucky.

Blimey

I don't even understand how you know so much detail about his sex life before you. You are torturing yourself with it. He has done nothing wrong, it's perfectly normal and acceptable behaviour because all of the people involved were fully consenting. In his culture it was perfectly fine to do that. You need to stop dwelling on this. It's actually none of your business.

ONS are normal in this country. Are you saying that it doesn't exist in yours?

I already answer the question on page 1 about how I know the detais of his ONS.
Before I decided to take the relationship to the physical level, I asked him alot of questions about his sexual history. I asked him to look at me straight in the eyes and be completely honest with her about his sexual past partners.
And he very upfront and honest, he talk about his two relationships prior to me (the first love the girl from his High school, and the ex-GF).. And he honest with about the two ONS condom on sex that he had back in his college age days.

He always tell me that he believe in communication, honesty and respect..He said he wants BOTH me and him to be upfront to each others, both lays everything out on the table. As he wanted; I lay everything out on the table for him to see, and he lay everything out on the table for me to see.
He wants and needs complete honestly in relationship/marriage.
He said he doesn't want to build a marriage based on lies. He believes that a strong marriage needs to be based on complete honesty, where two people accept each others for who they are.. Knowing the good and the bad about each others, just lay it all out on the table and start build the relationship from there.
He thinks that a relationship start out from honestly since the begining, it will save you from alot of headache later on.
He completely honest with me, and he expect me to be completely honest with him back.

And I did, I lay everything out on the table for him to see, just like he lay everything out on the table for me to see. This was what he wanted, I just do what he want.
He said I'm his 'wife'. I can asked him anything, questioning him all I want. He will answer anything and everything I ask/questioning him. Just Don't force him to answer it the way I want to hear it.
He brutally honest with me in his answer. He not hiding anything from me.
He can easily sugar-coated me about his answer from his ONS, but he didn't. Like he said since the first day I know him. He wants BOTH me and him to be upfront and completely honest to each others. Lay everything out on the table, and start our relationship from there. He need completely honest.

And you are not accepting him for who he is! Not sure why you married him if you are repeatedly critisising him for something that he's been honest and upfront about, which for him is just a way of life. Why didn't you marry someone with the same beliefs?

We are very different, Xue.
You like to have a husband who will pick up broken glass for you. Honestly, if my husband were so insistent that I should not do it, I would feel patronised and angry.
I prefer a husband who would always grab a brush and help me. Or if I'd dropped it and he knew I was having a really bad day, then yes I'd love him to say "darling, go and rest, I'll do it". But my husband would accept me helping him, or me telling him to go and rest and let me.
This is why your husband'S behaviour makes me uncomfortable. Other people here say he sounds lovely, but I think he sounds as if he treats you like a child. I would hate that.

Being bought a pair of jeans is lovely.
Being bought 5 pairs is just too much for me. Not the cost, the gesture.

Kissing your butt cheek all the time... OK, he likes to do that - and it's not weird. but you say it's awkward and embarrassing for you - and he says it's OK to kiss your wife's butt cheek. I can't decide whether you like it but are a little awkward and he's gently reassuring you, or whether he's just over riding your feelings.

And the daily French kisses when he comes home. After 14 months, he still just kisses you how he wants to and you're not sure how to do it. Can you ask him to not kiss you, but to let you kiss him? How would he react to that?

He doesn't let you do the laundry but he'll let you iron and put away (so he gets the easy bit?!). That's fine if you both choose that, but yet again it is what he wants.

It has nothing to do with his ONS though. Maybe you are obsessing about that, unnecessarily. Maybe something else about him makes you uneasy and that's why you keep obsessing. Either way, do you have a possibility to speak to a trained and qualified counsellor? Something isn't right here, either with you or with him, and it sounds like you need help to fix that.

I just feel deeply uncomfortable reading that he is so much in charge. His gestures seem far too much about what he wants, for me. Now maybe that makes you happy. I am the opposite of a passive person, so I simply can't read how he is without feeling uncomfortable.

Honestly, I think you should speak to a counsellor not about my opinions, or anyone's opinions here - but about your feelings.

You aren't laying your sexual history out on the table as you do his. Have you told him of every nuance of sexual experience before him? Are you two actually married?

Isn't California suppose to be a really laid back place to be? You sound so wound up to bursting, OP, and I don't know why. I don't think how your dp treated previous encounters was anything but honorable and honest. I think he showers you with material goods and affection. I don't know what else you want him to do that has caused your post here. Unless you're wanting actually out but haven't said yet.

Cabrinha asks some good questions ...

California is a "High Cost of Living" state, just like in New York. You can Google search the cost of living in California, or ask any Americans, they will tell you.
Look up San Francisco, the Bay area. Anywhere in California is a "High Cost of Living" place.

Anyways, please read my post on page 1 please. I did said it clearly in there, I was a virgin when I sleep with him. He my first and my only sexual partner. There no other guy in my life except him, he the only one.
I have no past. He know I was a virgin, he knows I have zero sexual experience, and he doesn't mind. He very patience and understanding.

And about the laundry. Sorry if my English is not very clear.
He do laundry, everything laundry he do. All I have to do is hang up the clothes in the closet, and put the clothes away in the drawers.
He make the bed, washing bed sheets comforters blankets he do. Washing our clothes is also he do. He do laundry loads, washing and drying. And he sort and fold the clean clothes put it in the baskets, and carry it to the bedroom for me.

He very neat. He sort our laundry. White color, dark color. Light-weight clothes like my blouse, my shirt. Heavy-weight clothes like jeans jacket. Basically he do my laundry for me. He do both my laundry and his laundry together.
When done washing drying. He still sort them when he fold the clean clothes into the baskets.
Shirt, jeans, pants, sweaters, jackets, my blouse, my bra, my underwear; he sort all our clothes and fold neatly into the baskets. Heck, my bra and underwear he still sort and fold.
Anyways, when laundry all done; he carry the baskets to the bedroom for me. He said he just wants his 'wife' to help put clothes in the drawers, and hang it up in the closet. And help iron some clothes if needed.

Poor bugger must regret ever telling you about his love life when young and single

For all his grand behaviour - maybe because of it? - you don't trust that he's capable of love. That makes me think that you don't feel loved by him.

This is why I wish you would talk to a counsellor in real life.

I have seen your threads before and felt the same about him - wasn't he also trying to tell you when you should stop working, when you should have a baby?

I think then I decided not to post, because if it is all your insecurities and he's lovely, I was concerned about putting more things in your head to feel insecure and worried about.

But as I'm urging you to speak to a counsellor, in risking it. Because whether it is just some issue from you or your culture, or he is in fact a dominating man who treats you like a doll not a person, then my suggestion is the same: counsellor for you.

It's so hard to explain my discomfort, I'm sorry. But the 5 pairs of jeans... you didn't need or want 5 pairs of jeans, you said no but he made you accept them. At best he innocently doesn't know how to make you feel loved and defaults to just spending money on gifts - but that's still an issue. At worst, he's all show, it's all about what he wants, and you're more a possession than a wife.

Right now, I do not believe that you actually feel loved, or these ONSs wouldn't matter.

I don't mind he kiss my butt cheek, or French kiss me when he comes home from work.
It just that I'm a girl with zero sexual experience, he the only guy I been with. I don't know how to French kiss like other women out there. I was 29 when I first have sex, and my first time is with him.

I do have a Vietnamese counselor/therapist that I go to to talk about emotional childhood baggage. I do have a thread that I talk about my abusive childhood on how my mother treats me.
The thread isn't here, it in BabyCenter. I'm an active poster in BabyCenter. My screename here is the same as here, 'thestairs'
Here is the thread on my childhood. If you have a few minutes to spare maybe you can help give me advice. I don't know if it my abusive childhood that is the roots of my problem. Perhaps I'm so used to sadness and unhappiness, I crave the saddness and torture I have in my childhood, therefore I just can't find myself to enjoy my marriage.
community.babycenter.com/post/a61121497/ot-no-immediate-family.-those-wchildhood-with-abusive-mother.-does-it-still-hurtstill-affectyou

If you can help read this and tell me what you think, can this childhood of mine is the roots to my problem?

We have different interpretations of his behaviour.

You think that not letting you do the laundry and carrying it to the bedroom is "for you".

I think he just is quite obsessed and controlled about laundry and he wants to do it for him with the extra kick that he gets from feeling like it's "for you".

I would ask you this: of all the things he does that are "for you", how many are because you want them, have asked for them?

How would he react if you said "I want this". Like, if you said "actually, I'd rather we just went for a walk around the city this afternoon, I'll do the laundry when you're at work tomorrow". Would that be "allowed"?

I'm sure you don't mind the stuff he does - the laundry, the picking up glass. Hell, who doesn't want to get out of chores?

But what is truly for you because you wanted it, not because he just decided it was to be so?

Like the butt cheek kissing. If you say "no, I don't like it - I find it awkward and embarrassing" then he should STOP. Not just say "it's OK for me to kiss my wife's but cheek".

Are you giggling because you like it and you're shy to allow yourself to enjoy but you do want him to carry on because you do like it for you?

Or are you giggling because you're nervous and don't like it and don't know how to stop him, and you let him carry on doing it because you think you should, that that is what a wife should do?

yes .. agreeing with Cabrinha all the way ... there's a severe lack of ease about you, OP that has nothing to do with the material high cost of living in Ca.

The laundry procedure alone sounds utterly terrifying in truth.