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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My DH is a wimp. Would you put up with any of this?

104 replies

wimpyhusband · 22/04/2016 17:04

DH and me are both in our early 50s. The thing that has prompted me to post this is an incident that occurred over the weekend. We were going out in the car and as we were about to drive off, an old man and his dog were walking on the pavement in front of our front gates. The man was walking several metres ahead of the dog. The dog stopped and took a huge shit literally right in front of the gate. The man didn't chastise the dog and just carried on walking. I shouted at the man and he came over and was very apologetic. DH was trying to play it down and telling me to just leave it. He was practically cowering in fear and failed to back me up. The owner didn't have anything to use to pick up the shit, so I made DH go in to get a plastic bag. The old man picked it up and walked away, then we drove off. H was making out that I was overreacting and that I shouldn't have done anything. Would you let a dog take a shit outside your home and let the owner walk off without saying anything? I don't think most people would.

The thing is this wasn't an isolated incident in which DH has acted like a wimp. There has been a few occasions in the past when I have had builders coming to do work in the house. Sometimes they have given me lip while DH has been there but he hasn't said anything. He leaves me to deal with problems, like if there is problem with the boiler for example. It's me who has to make all the phone calls and then greet the worker who comes out to sort it. DH usually hides upstairs until they've gone. When DS (22) was a child, whenever there were problems at school it was always me who would go up to the school to sort things out. There was a time when DS was in primary school and getting bullied. One time I went up to discuss it with the headteacher and the other kid's dad was there staring at me and making threats. DH didn't do anything about it. No doubt he would have been shitting himself if he was there. Also whenever I would invite DS' friends to the house when he was little, DH would act weird around the other kid's parents. He would just nod his head and say yes to everything while I did most of the talking. I could tell that the other parents thought something was weird about him. Also when we are in the car he gets angry at other drivers very easily. He will shout and make gestures at them but he checks to see if it's a man who's driving before he continues. He soon pipes down if it is a man. I think he had quite a rough childhood but he doesn't like to discuss it. I think his dad was an alcoholic and abusive and that might be a factor in why he acts scared around other blokes. He also complains a lot about his job. He's been in his current position for 12 years and moans because he never gets promoted. I find myself suspecting that it might be because he doesn't stand up for himself enough. I would like to ask what other people think.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 22/04/2016 22:05

I don't get shays wrong with having a bit of a shout in your car if someone on the road is being a dick? Harms no-one. I do it all the time. I don't however tailgates, flash my lights, gesticulate or otherwise be a bad driver.

agentmarmalade · 22/04/2016 22:11

I feel for the OP and I would not tolerate the behaviours she has described. I think she has lost respect for him, and honestly I would too. I would find it hard to continue the relationship. This is not me being sexist, aggressive, domineering but the attributes of the Op's Dh are quite infuriating to me.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/04/2016 22:13

I don't get why everyone is leaping on asking why it grates now. Clearly it hasn't, just this may be a straw that breaks the camels back incident.

I don't think you're domineering, I think you're someone who stands up for herself and others - which probably means your DH doesn't feel like he has to. My DH can be a bit like it, and we've had countless arguments where I've had to say 'yes, I can stand up for myself/us but sometimes it would be nice to have back up'.

corythatwas · 22/04/2016 22:37

How would we deal with an OP which had the title "my wife is a wimp"? And then went on to explain that she expects me to do confrontations about something that enrages me more than her rather than doing them herself?

WellErrr · 22/04/2016 22:45

Exactly cory

YounicorneNumbers · 22/04/2016 22:56

This is such an interesting thread. Really.

It's so weirdly polarising. Either the OP IS DOMINEERING, GUNG-HO or plain ANGRY, plus sexist for calling her DH wimpy...

Or her DP is PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE, WEAK, ABUSED and need of compassion.

Such a short OP, No further input given.

It's interesting.

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 23:10

'my wife is a pansy'

see how that goes.

YounicorneNumbers · 22/04/2016 23:28

To be fair, I hate the accusations on MN of sexism against men.

Wimpy is used against both women and men so that's a non argument.

corythatwas · 22/04/2016 23:32

It's only a non-argument, Younicome, if you feel convinced that MN would not have reacted strongly if a man had posted "My wife is such a wimp". Otherwise, it is sexist.

corythatwas · 22/04/2016 23:33

To me it would seem reasonable that the person who is enraged about something does the confrontation. The OP suggested that she got enraged but that her dh didn't think it was such a big deal. So why should he do the confrontation?

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 23:35

Kidding yourself there younicorn. This would have exploded if it were a man saying his wife was a wimp, or if we look at sociological expectations, said his wife was too assertive.

YounicorneNumbers · 22/04/2016 23:38

That's because we are predominantly a women's site. I do hope you go to the many millions on male orientated sites on the internet that call women whores and cunts and berate them in the same way? After all, we're all equal, yeah?

MistressDeeCee · 22/04/2016 23:46

But its not a man posting about a woman being wimpy. Thats just an excuse for attacking a woman as being terrifying and domineering..both terms which are far worse than wimpy, in fact ,but male centred women don't need much of a reason to heavy handedly accuse women of sexism against males. The fact he has no problem whatsoever actually shouting at female drivers is conveniently and selectively ignored. Says it all really.

corythatwas · 22/04/2016 23:48

YounicorneNumbers Fri 22-Apr-16 23:38:06

"That's because we are predominantly a women's site. "

Does being a woman mean you have to agree with a woman over a man? How odd, it doesn't for me. Not if the woman says something I would consider unacceptable from a man.

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 23:54

younicorn eh? that doesn't make any sense at all. So unless I go to mens sites and 'berate' sexism I'm not allowed to call out women being sexist... on the one forum I actually go on? Alright then Grin

mistress I disagree. The whole men having to be strong and brave stereotype directly contributes to their higher suicide rates.

He's a nob if he only selects women, but slating a man for being 'wimpy' and not subscribing to the stereotype of strong brave male is damaging

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 23/04/2016 00:00

Erm... do you chastise a dog for pooing?

Would expect any responsibile dog owner to pick up but can understand why he doesn't want confrontation.

The OP is a bit gung-ho and therefore I can't help being on the side of the husband, as I can imagine he's a cowering wreck after 22 years of marriage!

MistressMerryWeather · 23/04/2016 00:18

Wimpy is used against both women and men so that's a non argument.

Nah, not in reality. Maybe a lighthearted 'don't be such a wimp' but as an insult, it's primarily directed at men and boys.

The female equivalent would probably be delicate or emotional.

HermioneJeanGranger · 23/04/2016 07:14

So, your DH had an abusive childhood and grew up with an alcoholic father, causing him to (naturally) have a bit of a fear of confrontation with other men, and this makes him a wimp? Really? Hmm

If a woman came on here and posted that she had an abusive childhood and therefore didn't like having arguments/confrontations with men as a result, she would get a massive outpouring of support and suggestions of therapy and counselling. She wouldn't get told to man up or that she was a wimp/coward.

OP, your DH's childhood has obviously had a massive impact on him. It sounds to me like he does care/get angry (hence him getting angry in private/in the car where he is "safe") but as soon as he's faced with someone who reminds him of his father, he panics and withdraws. Has he ever had any therapy to help him overcome his childhood?

It does seem, though, that you're happy to deal with all these problems, but only expect him to back you up/say something because it's his job as a man? I don't think that's right - some people hate confrontation and he probably doesn't see that he needs to stand up for you when you seem perfectly capable of handling yourself.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/04/2016 08:03

Often in relationships one partner acts to balance out the other. My dh is very confrontational. He will deal with every situation as it arises eg that dog owner but l hate confrontation and often felt mortified. I would have often preferred he let it go even if someone was mean to me as he only made me feel worse.However recently due to illness he has pulled right back and l find myself stepping into that spot more. So if one partner is intense the other stays very cool to counterbalance that. So maybe the way forward is to bite your tongue a bit for a while and he may step into the vacuum. I have a friend married to a very high overfeed professional top of his field but he will not meet builders get mowers repaired etc as he is totally out of his depth in that sphere. To be honest l have a lot of sympathy for your dh as it's not a male female thing but a personality thing. As lm pretty mild mannered l get on very well with most people have excellent work relationships and so on so l presume he has a lot of good points in those areas.

junebirthdaygirl · 23/04/2016 08:04

No idea where overfeed came from there.

Northernparent68 · 23/04/2016 08:31

OP, do you think you might have enabled your husbands behaviour.?

As matter of interest what are your sons personalities like ? There's a real chance history will repeat itself and they will end like their father, if their role role model was a passive father and assertive mother it'd be surprising if they did nt end up being the passive partner in their relationships.

wanderings · 23/04/2016 11:07

Hyacinth Bucket, ordering Richard to complain on her behalf:

"Be scathing, Richard. Crush them."

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 23/04/2016 11:26

OP you no longer respect your hubby, leave him!

TheNaze73 · 23/04/2016 11:28

He shouldn't be a cowering wreck after 22 years of that though sissy that's the point. If he's not going to call it when she's being unreasonable, she'll have no respect for him. 'Yes people' are infuriating to people & I still call it that he should have stood up for his partner

curren · 23/04/2016 12:26

My dh doesn't like confrontation. But I respect him and respect that he is who is. I am the one that is more likely to confront someone.

He respects me and respects who I am.

I actually wouldn't like or want dh to step in if a builder had 'given me lip'. I am quite capable of standing up for myself.

Nor would I expect him to do anything about another parent bitching at me. I am adult and can stand up for myself. I don't need dh to back me, step in or go to the school gates and have it out with another parent.