Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My DH is a wimp. Would you put up with any of this?

104 replies

wimpyhusband · 22/04/2016 17:04

DH and me are both in our early 50s. The thing that has prompted me to post this is an incident that occurred over the weekend. We were going out in the car and as we were about to drive off, an old man and his dog were walking on the pavement in front of our front gates. The man was walking several metres ahead of the dog. The dog stopped and took a huge shit literally right in front of the gate. The man didn't chastise the dog and just carried on walking. I shouted at the man and he came over and was very apologetic. DH was trying to play it down and telling me to just leave it. He was practically cowering in fear and failed to back me up. The owner didn't have anything to use to pick up the shit, so I made DH go in to get a plastic bag. The old man picked it up and walked away, then we drove off. H was making out that I was overreacting and that I shouldn't have done anything. Would you let a dog take a shit outside your home and let the owner walk off without saying anything? I don't think most people would.

The thing is this wasn't an isolated incident in which DH has acted like a wimp. There has been a few occasions in the past when I have had builders coming to do work in the house. Sometimes they have given me lip while DH has been there but he hasn't said anything. He leaves me to deal with problems, like if there is problem with the boiler for example. It's me who has to make all the phone calls and then greet the worker who comes out to sort it. DH usually hides upstairs until they've gone. When DS (22) was a child, whenever there were problems at school it was always me who would go up to the school to sort things out. There was a time when DS was in primary school and getting bullied. One time I went up to discuss it with the headteacher and the other kid's dad was there staring at me and making threats. DH didn't do anything about it. No doubt he would have been shitting himself if he was there. Also whenever I would invite DS' friends to the house when he was little, DH would act weird around the other kid's parents. He would just nod his head and say yes to everything while I did most of the talking. I could tell that the other parents thought something was weird about him. Also when we are in the car he gets angry at other drivers very easily. He will shout and make gestures at them but he checks to see if it's a man who's driving before he continues. He soon pipes down if it is a man. I think he had quite a rough childhood but he doesn't like to discuss it. I think his dad was an alcoholic and abusive and that might be a factor in why he acts scared around other blokes. He also complains a lot about his job. He's been in his current position for 12 years and moans because he never gets promoted. I find myself suspecting that it might be because he doesn't stand up for himself enough. I would like to ask what other people think.

OP posts:
DropYourSword · 22/04/2016 21:22

A woman described as being "domineering" and "terrifying" simply for being assertive. How dare she confront a man about the dogshit at her gate

Nothing wrong with dealing with this situation. Everything wrong with doing it by immediately shouting at the dog owner and making her DH "go for a plastic bag".

ABetaDad1 · 22/04/2016 21:23

Opposites attract. Sometimes an assertive person 'needs' a diplomat partner.

I wonder if you would have ever got together had you both been assertive?

Maybe you found it an attractive quality in him when you met?

whattodowiththepoo · 22/04/2016 21:25

I didn't read the full first paragraph of the post, you are a complete nightmare.
I could try and explain why but I doubt any of it would make it in to your thick skull.

MistressMerryWeather · 22/04/2016 21:30

Were you the old man with the dog whattodowiththepoo?

Going by your nickname.

agentmarmalade · 22/04/2016 21:30

Whoa, the OP is getting a lot of stick here and I don't agree with it. I think she is probably worn out from having to defend herself all these years and him not backing her up or supporting her. Maybe their relationship has run its course. I've had boyfriends who have been like this and it just doesn't work out.

DrMorbius · 22/04/2016 21:31

You sound like a real "catch" Op. Exactly how much assertiveness/masculinity does a man need to show to "measure up"? Perhaps you should ask yourself, why you need a man to "back up" your arguments.!!!

My DH is a wimp.... Alternative heading
My wife is a sad basket case who gets her identity from my masculinity.

GarlicShake · 22/04/2016 21:32

I don't like the part where DH rants & rages at other drivers. This is a worrying quality in anyone, I think. I went a bit Shock where you said he checks to see if his would-be victim is a man! What does he do if it's a woman?

Overall - you're not "domineering" in my book. I find it odd that you don't know much about your husband's childhood and emotional background. And I'm also curious to hear more about why this is bothering you more now?

PrettyBrightFireflies · 22/04/2016 21:33

I think he had quite a rough childhood but he doesn't like to discuss it. I think his dad was an alcoholic and abusive

You think? Don't you know? How long have you been married? Confused

YounicorneNumbers · 22/04/2016 21:33

You're on the Relationship topic, not AIBU which gives you the right to be a cunt to me

MeMySonAndl · 22/04/2016 21:33

My XH was very assertive before we married, but as soon as we did, he expected me to take all the decisions, deal with all the rubbish, and take a back step (or just go to another room) if some one was hurting me or DS.

It was so bad that when he didn't want to do something he would tell the people that it was because "MeMy doesn't want to" or "MeMy doesn't like it" which landed me in a lot of trouble.

Interestingly, he has an extremely controlling mum and often said that his father was so happy because he just left her to rule the house. Unfortunately, I didn't want to be with a manchild, so that was it.

He is now living with an aggressive nutter that takes all decisions for him. I'm pretty sure that he is loving it.

DrE678 · 22/04/2016 21:35

It was me who said the OP was domineering and I stand by it. It's not sexist at all, if the roles were reversed he would be domineering. The definition is asserting one's will over another- she MADE him go in and get the bag and spends the whole thread calling him a wimp (which in itself is sexist but heyho!) Nice try playing the sexism card but I stand by my assertion- there is nothing wrong with being strong willed but making someone else do something because you think they are a wimp is domineering.

ilovesooty · 22/04/2016 21:37

What did "sometimes they have given me lip" involve?

Did you like your husband when you married him or did the contempt seep in later?

228agreenend · 22/04/2016 21:39

Your husband isn't a wimp, but is naturally not assertive. You have taken that role in your relationship. Traditionally in the past the men is seen as The Hunter, but in the modern society, those stereotypes no longer apply. Consequently, a man can be the weaker one in the relationship, and the woman as the stronger.

There's nothing wrong with this. Every couple has their own dynamics.

Mishaps · 22/04/2016 21:40

My OH is a bit like that - that's OK by me - he is who he is. I am more assertive and that works well.

We once thought we had a burglar in the house as there was a sound as if someone was rifling through our dresser, opening doors and making the glasses rattle. Guess who had to go downstairs and see what was afoot? Not my OH. I found it was a hedgehog on our doorstep trying to get the dregs of milk out of a milk bottle.

I did all the challenging stuff when children needed backing up in school, or workmen needed a boot up the arse.

I remember when some men were working on our septic tank and suddenly cleared the blockage and a fountain of shit sailed across the garden. "It's all hers!" said my OH!

I find it easier to do these things myself as I know I would be wholly exasperated watching OH do it in a grovelling way!

GarlicShake · 22/04/2016 21:41

I think there is something wrong with raging at people from inside your locked car, but cowering when face-to-face.

Who or what does he blame for his lack of progress at work, OP?

GarlicShake · 22/04/2016 21:43

a fountain of shit sailed across the garden. "It's all hers!" said my OH!

OMG! Grin but also, WTAF? That must have been a proper "I don't like this marriage" moment!

GraysAnalogy · 22/04/2016 21:44

He was scared, so what? He isn't a wimp. He's a human being with feelings. Not everyone is assertive. Not everyone is able to be loud and proud.

Go find a knight in shining armour type if you're not happy.

nonicknameseemsavailable · 22/04/2016 21:47

well I probably wouldn't confront a dog poo issue outside my own house as I would fear possible repercussions in the future, poo through letterbox or something.

blueberrypie0112 · 22/04/2016 21:49

Rather it is from a man or a woman, I found people shouting at people are embrassing. My in-laws can be like this, and it was very embrassing. Not my idea of being assertive. I spoke up how I feel many times, but I don't shout. I probably take action and do something (like reporting to the police if I allow to make a complaint)

Maturecheddarcheese · 22/04/2016 21:50

He sounds like a coward. He's willing to rant at other drivers but only if they are women? I get that some people don't like confrontation but hiding behind your partner who has to deal with every little thing is hardly an attractive trait.

MistressMerryWeather · 22/04/2016 21:50

I don't think the car rage is anything strange.

He was abused by a man so will have a deep set fear of them making face to face confrontation impossible, but he's still a human who gets angry and the car is a safe space for that.

It's not right but it doesn't make him a woman-hating monster.

blueberrypie0112 · 22/04/2016 21:56

Abused or not, car rage is very common in the u.s. my husband have car rage but he never shout at people either. He did not grow up in abusive or alcoholic home either. car rage is irreverent in my opinion.

corythatwas · 22/04/2016 21:58

If the OP had been a man and it had been his wife who would not confront the dog poo'er or left her husband to ring about the boiler, would we all have been chiming in to say she was a wimp and it wasn't fair that he had to do the confrontation?

Do we judge every couple where the husband normally steps up and does the confrontation? If not, why not?

I have a rather meek and gentle dh, but can be quite assertive myself. Don't see why he should be judged on that any more than I would be if it was me who was non-confrontational. He has other strengths.

The shouting in the car sounds bloody annoying though.

MistressMerryWeather · 22/04/2016 21:59

Don't get me wrong, I'm not defending road rage. It's wrong coming from man or woman.

I just don't think Ops husbands comes from a place of sexism.

InionEile · 22/04/2016 22:04

Is there a reason this is bothering you now, after 22+ years of marriage / partnership? Seems like he is timid but he has a right to be if that is his way of dealing with life. Most marriages have some kind of opposites attract dynamic or they wouldn't function very well. If your DH was aggressive and constantly looking for a fight you would be a terrible pair as the anger would just escalate.

Swipe left for the next trending thread