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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex watching (or getting someone else to watch) my house

65 replies

chaseisonthecase · 22/04/2016 13:37

If I called the police would they be able to do anything about it? Is he even doing anything wrong?
I feel like my privacy is constantly being invaded and I'm uncomfortable and on edge all the time. I shouldnt feel like this in my own home.

OP posts:
Original poster
chaseisonthecase · 22/04/2016 14:52

Thank you all.
I thought I might have been over reacting. As much as I feel I'm being harassed and stalked I didn't know if I was just being dramatic.
I will contact the police later when the children go out.
I'very also been looking at cctv cameras.
I noticed last night that someone has moved the sensor on my outdoor light so it now points upwards and doesn't come on when someone comes in the garden. I hadn't thought much of it until now. It's about 12 feet up the wall so would have needed a ladder to reach it. (Ex works in the construction industry and has a set of ladders on his van.)

OP posts:
Canyouforgiveher · 22/04/2016 14:53

Sane people don't do that do they?

No they don't. you really need to report him.

I also think you should get someone in to do a sweep of your house for cameras/recorders. He seems insane enough to have planted something. If you do find something make sure you make a note for the police.

He is probably also quizzing your children about your movements.

Original poster
chaseisonthecase · 22/04/2016 14:56

Luckily 2 of the children are too young to talk yet. I know he's been asking the oldest questions because he's told me.
The children don't know I'm seeing anyone. I only ever meet up with him when the children are in bed or out.

OP posts:
FinnMcCool · 22/04/2016 14:57

I was wondering about hidden cameras too, and was thinking its likely near the front door since he knows the names of all your visitors. Your update about the outside light having been moved, and the fact that you cannot easily access it, seems to me thats where it is.
Get a handyman with a ladder to fix the light and check for a hidden camera.
And speak to the police.

BirthdayBetty · 22/04/2016 15:00

Christ how creepy. If he lived there before there might be hidden cameras or auditory equipment.

PhoenixReisling · 22/04/2016 15:01

The more you write chase the more unhinged your ex sounds especially the creepy texts about you being intimate with your new DP.

You need to report this to the police. If you can write times/dates down that you have noticed everything, also do this for when you phone as it will act as a prompt when you are speaking to the officer.

Another thought, do you have any tech savvy friends? Maybe worth asking them to look on any laptops, tablets. There was a thread recently, where a DP was able to read the posters what's app messages remotely (apparently you can log onto wats app over the Internet), so if he knew you passwords then change them.

MadisonMontgomery · 22/04/2016 15:06

Definitely change you passwords for everything, get laptop, tablet etc checked for software etc, and you must contact the police. Maybe they can't do anything right now, but you need it all recorded for if it gets worse. I think you need the house checked for any recording equipment but I'm not sure who would be able to do this (I know I wouldn't have a clue what to look for!) but maybe the police could help with this. Don't minimise his behaviour - this is seriously not normal.

Original poster
chaseisonthecase · 22/04/2016 15:19

Finn the more I think about it I also think it's likely that the outdoor light is a source of suspicion.
I thought it strange that he hadn't mentioned my friend who came over on Tuesday, but that friend doesn't smoke so didn't go into the garden. New DP doesn't smoke but we sat in the garden last night with a glass of wine.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 22/04/2016 15:28

So he knew your new man was there?

KinkyAfro · 22/04/2016 15:31

Save the texts and change your number, correspond by email only if to do with the kids. Tell him you're going to the police via email, keep all emails from him

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2016 15:32

I hope you don't mind me linking to your other thread. This man sounds terrifying. Have you thought of contacting Women's Aid?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/04/2016 15:35

"He has form for previously spying/snooping."

So it's not much of a stretch to guess what he's up to now. Even without his previous behaviour you have enough to take to the police. It seems likely to me that he's got some sort of CCTV or audio recording kit in your home somewhere. The outdoor light wouldn't tell him when you're being intimate with your new date, but recording equipment would.

The whole thing is creeping me out, in your place I'd be desperate to move home.

DoreenLethal · 22/04/2016 15:39

Please call the police and let them check that light out - then they will have evidence if it is there. Also get them to check out the house. He is most definitely weird, stalky and terrifying.

pinkyredrose · 22/04/2016 15:40

Omg that is terrifying! Sounds like he's put secret cameras /recording equipment in your house. Definitely call police!

WannaBe · 22/04/2016 15:49

Is your phone insured? If so I would let it have a little swim in the bath and then have it replaced. Or alternatively if it's not too expensive get rid of it and get a new one.

The man is stalking you and I would definitely be inclined to go to the police. But I might also be tempted to check by perhaps having a loud conversation on your phone with someone to talk about something which you know he won't be able to resist commenting on. Like how you can't wait to have a threesome or some such. If he reacts to that (and if he's that creepy then he won't be able to resist) then you will have absolute proof.

Oh and when you call the police make sure you do it from somewhere where you know he can't hear you.

PhoenixReisling · 22/04/2016 15:51

Just read the other thread Shock

You most definitely need the police involved. He's assaulted you, threatened you and is now spying on you. He will only up the anti.

Change your number, get the house/technology checked, ask for a non moslestation order (or similar) and phone SS to arrange that contact be via a contact centre only.

I wouldn't tell him you have contacted the police (let them visit him) and from this point on only ever communicate via email. Unfortunately, this cannot split cannot be amicable. He is abusive, so only knows about wanting to control and hurt you.

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2016 15:59

I think if he's violent towards you when you handover the children, that needs to take place at a contact centre.

ArmfulOfRoses · 22/04/2016 16:16

If you have a laptop or phone that was in the house when he lived there, get rid or get them checked out for keyloggers etc.

Original poster
chaseisonthecase · 22/04/2016 16:39

I have just been to drop the children off for their night with him. He was really nasty. Kept swearing at me and yelling.
He told me he'd 'heard me at it' last night. Which means he either 100% does have recording equipment in my house, or, more likely, he's been stood in my garden listening through the windows/doors. Would explain the movement of the light sensor so it wouldn't go off if he comes in the garden.

OP posts:
BirthdayBetty · 22/04/2016 16:44

Bloody hell, he's unhinged. You need to get a non molestation order against him, he's stalking you by the sounds of it Shock

BirthdayBetty · 22/04/2016 16:44

Do you think he's installed listening devices in your bedroom?

GiddyGiddyGoat · 22/04/2016 16:59

You are underrating to all op in my view. You need to protect yourself and your children from his dangerous behaviour. He has no respect for you and no sense ofnkormal boundaries. You need to write al this down in as much detail as you can remember and get advice from the police. They need to record your concerns. You need to think about contact arrangements too - if he can't control himself is it safe for the children to be around him? If he is shouting at you at handover then it is not safe or appropriate for you to be taking them to him and leaving them there. He is trampling all over you and the children but I think he has made you lose all sense of what is ok / not ok / dangerous. You need to get serious and you need to act to keep yourself and your children safe. They should not be exposed to him abusing you.

GiddyGiddyGoat · 22/04/2016 17:00

'Underreacting to all this' I meant to write...

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2016 17:05

I wouldn't drop my children off there if he was shouting at me - I wouldn't feel they were safe there. Isn't there an alternative?

AyeAmarok · 22/04/2016 17:16

Definitely police, and soon.

My best friend's ex did this sort of thing to her and it was seriously disturbing at the time. She had to move house to a secure block of apartments and never let him find out which specific apartment was hers.

But this is even worse.