Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

stbxh still messing with my head

(11 Posts)
chaseisonthecase Sun 10-Apr-16 13:23:49

I've posted before under a different name about my violent and abusive husband and received a lot of very good advice.

I finally got up the coutage to call it a day in January and I kicked him out. Since then I have tried to stay amicable with him for the sake of our DC but it seems like every time I think things are okay he has just been lulling me into a false sense of security and he kicks off again.

I've had to call the police about him twice in the last few months as he trashed my house and assaulted me again. I try to have as little contact with him as possible but it's hard when I have to keep in touch with him because of the children.

Today the abuse has started again because I went out last night. I unlocked the door to let the children in. As they ran in the house he barged past me and came into the house shouting, swearing, calling me names.

I asked him to leave which he initially refused to do. After another torrent of abuse he Eventually left. He text me a few moments later telling me he's called the police and reported me for drink driving and assault hmm (this won't just be 'talk' to get to me, he has form for doing this type of thing.)

He's since bombarded me with messages telling me to kill myself, that I'd be doing the world a favour if I was dead, my kids would be better off without me, telling me I'm mental, etc. He tells me I'm fabricating things and that stuff didn't happen to try to make me question my sanity. I know I shouldn't let it get to me. But when it has been going on so long it's hard not to have a bit of a lapse in strength sometimes. I'm sat here in tears wondering if the world would be better off without me.

I just don't know what to do any more. I can't cease contact with him because the DC deserve a relationship with their dad and he's never shown any sign of violence/aggression towards them. But I don't see how I can cope with this constant abuse any more. The courts won't grant me a non molestation order as they do not consider him an immediate risk to my safety.

Please help he find some coping strategies.

ImperialBlether Sun 10-Apr-16 13:32:00

I'm so sorry. What a nasty piece of work he is. He's stupid too, isn't he, putting things like that in writing? I hope you've kept those messages.

If you call the police every time, surely the courts have to see that he is a risk to you?

I really don't know what to suggest, sorry. Is he in a relationship? I would hope that might calm him down a bit.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 10-Apr-16 13:37:55

Block his phone number. Email him and tell him that this will be the only form of contact between you and that you will only ever communicate with him about the children and absolutely nothing else. If he needs to communicate with you about other matters, let him do it through solicitors.

I'd go further and insist that hand-overs of the children will only take place outside your home with a third-party present.

If he can't behave like a decent human being then the less contact there is between him and the children, the better.

Given that he's assaulted you and trashed the house, what makes you think he's not a danger to the children? Most especially if they witnessed it? Witnessing violence in their own home may not have damaged them physically, but it certainly would have emotionally.

"He barged past me and came into the house shouting, swearing, calling me names."

Report it. It is emotionally damaging to your children to witness this sort of behaviour. Even their own home, what should be their sanctuary, is not safe from him.

I'd be minded to not allow him access to the children at all, and let him go to court to enforce it.

chaseisonthecase Sun 10-Apr-16 13:39:04

He's not in a new relationship as far as I know.

All the messages he's sent me have been saved.

chaseisonthecase Sun 10-Apr-16 13:41:33

I have told him that after his behaviour today he will not be seeing the children again. But that was just meet with more insults, abuse and threats.

Lighteningirll Sun 10-Apr-16 13:43:54

You should have called the police as soon as he barged in stop trying to be amicable it's the wrong tactic with this man. You need to have one reaction only, zero tolerance. Your posts read like you are letting him back in I know you don't mean to but you are. Firstly well done for finishing with him now you need to follow through. Secondly you need some counselling and some victim support contact. Thirdly remember your children adore you so put all this the world's a better place without me out of your mind it won't be it will be an awful place for them. There are many women put there who have been through your scenario (I am one) you WILL get through this and you will survive cut him out.

DoreenLethal Sun 10-Apr-16 13:45:47

What Bitter said.

petalsandstars Sun 10-Apr-16 13:47:45

Call the police. The messages will be at least harassment - take some action to get the ball rolling to stop him. If he's making false allegations then more fool him too

goddessofsmallthings Sun 10-Apr-16 15:21:39

What action did the police take on the two occasions in the past few months that he trashed your house and assaulted you?

You'll have to be proactive to put a stop to his abuse and it's in your best interests to call the police again today to report this latest incident and have them view the texts he's sent you, and more especially as victims of dv may be eligible for legal aid in divorce proceedings.

Find your nearest Women's Aid service here www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/ and call them tomorrow for advice and information about obtaining a non-molestation order with power of arrest so that he can be apprehended if he comes within a specific distance of you/your home,

goddessofsmallthings Sun 10-Apr-16 22:29:50

Have you made contact with the police, OP, or have the police made contact with you in response to what your stbx has told them?

Atenco Sun 10-Apr-16 22:49:45

No advice except that he IS abusing your children. I can't imagine how frightening his behaviour must be to them so, as much as you can, you should limit his contact with them for your good and theirs. Your home should be a sanctuary for everyone who lives there.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now