Well, I sincerely hope that from now on when a woman comes on here saying her husband has been having an affair posters recognise that perhaps she had a part to play. No?
The reality is that most affairs have a trigger. In my case my DH was emotionally abusive to the point he isolated me from friends and family, accused me of having an affair (I wasn't) made it impossible for me to return to work after having children. put trackers on my phone, my computer, bugged the house and had me followed when I went out with friends, so I stopped going out with friends and more which I won't go into at the moment.
But while that is a trigger for an affair, it isn't a justification. If I could turn back the clock and leave when I threatened to several years before the affair then I would do so. Just because affairs do have triggers which IMO do deserve some recognission doesn't mean that acknowledging how an affair could come about makes it ok to continue with one.
The op acknowledges she was unhappy in her marriage but says she doesn't want to leave. If she doesn't want to leave then she needs to end the affairs and work on her marriage, or tell her DH so he can make his own decisions.
Fine to Admit that an unhappy marriage led to an affair, not OK to continue the affair without telling the husband and dressing it up as actually wanting to be in an open relationship.
FWIW I never had sex again with my DH after the first time with OM. Marriage was already in trouble, we'd talked about splitting numerous times over the years and never had. Within four weeks of me sleeping with OM my marriage was over. But it' still not the answer in terms of how to end a marriage.