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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Finding monogamy challenging

93 replies

Barefoot4 · 21/04/2016 21:26

I'm 42 and have been married for 18 years. Recently, I've found myself more interested in other men than ever before. This has lead to two one night stands. I realised this was very damaging to me and completely dishonest . I worked really hard to feel fulfilled again in marriage. But, a year on, I'm talking to one of the men again and it's raised these emotions again. Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/04/2016 14:32

I don t think your feelings will change.

I think you need to think on your husbands well being if you care for him and tell him.

Somewhere out there, there might be a mutually trustworthy and fulfilling relationship for him.,

WallyBantersJunkBox · 22/04/2016 14:32

I don t think your feelings will change.

I think you need to think on your husbands well being if you care for him and tell him.

Somewhere out there, there might be a mutually trustworthy and fulfilling relationship for him.,

BolshierAryaStark · 22/04/2016 14:34

Monogamy isn't for everyone no but it's unfair on your husband to sleep around behind his back. You need to discuss this with him, who knows-he may be happy to enter into an opwn marriage? He may not though & you should prepare yourself for this & give him the chance to end your relationship.

GutInstinct · 22/04/2016 15:29

Do people really think that the OP should discuss the possibility of an open marriage after she's already cheated on her husband twice? And do people really think that even if he agreed to it, it would be because he suddenly realised that perhaps he could be with other women as well?

I had an affair. It gave me the realisation that I could leave my unhappy marriage (I didn't leave for OM,). My husband suggested that perhaps we should instead have an open relationship, he suggested it not because he was genuinely open to the idea, but because he felt that was a way he could keep us together.

It would have been an absolute insult to have agreed to it after I'd already had an affair. I didn't want to stay in the marriage anyway but even if I had, the idea that someone could have an affair, whatever brought them to that point, and could then agree that actually they might like an open relationship instead of admitting that they'd been in the wrong and agreeing to cease all contact with the OM/OW and remaining faithful in the future is absolutely laughable.

You don't have a one night stand and then think 'oh wait, I'm not sure I want to be monogamous, perhaps I'll keep shagging around, or perhaps this is the point where I discuss an open relationship.' You discuss the open relationship before you start sleeping with other men/women.

confusionoftheillusion · 22/04/2016 16:18

gut - what you're saying doesn't make sense.... You should agree to an open relationship before having a ONS.... But you had an affair which helped you realise you needed to end your marriage.

Maybe OPs ONSs have helped her realise she can't be monogamous.

OP - if you're still reading the thread I think it's time for that chat with DH about an open relationship... Otherwise I feel you'll cheat again - and again - and again until caught.

If DH doesn't want it then you have a clear choice.

Good luck 💐

SoConfused15 · 22/04/2016 16:52

OP, you may find the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino helpful to read.

It is possible to open up a previously closed relationship successfully, this is the situation myself and my DH were in. It works for us. Communication is very important. We talked it through with a couples counsellor which was helpful, although it's best to find one with experience of non-monogamous relationships if you can.

VegasJuice · 22/04/2016 17:13

I agree with SoConfused, "Opening Up" is a really helpful book. And I totally disagree that marriages can't be opened up after an affair. That may be some posters' opinion (and I respect your opinions) but that doesn't make it a fact. Life is not quite so straight cut as that.

Good luck, OP.

GarlicShake · 22/04/2016 19:22

I honestly don't think this is about monogamy vs open relationship. I hope you're still reading.

I'd taken an exciting job abroad and thought it would lead to great new opportunities, but my husband didn't want to move abroad and so I had to come back to the UK to a job I'd lost interest in.

That's brutal. No matter how sanely you talked yourself round, I expect you'd feel pretty resentful. I would!

People tend not to feel sexually attracted to those who've placed limitations on their lives and opportunities (well, not unless that's their kink.) This was only last year! I admire the work you've done on yourself, your life and your marriage - but perhaps this felt like doors closing. Does a part of you feel trapped by this relationship?

An affair obviously isn't an answer. It might be a signal that you're looking for one.

If you're looking for an answer, what's the question?

blueberrypie0112 · 22/04/2016 19:32

Why title it monogamy ? Are you saying you want to continue your relationship with your husband but want an open marriage? You will have to talk to your husband if this is what you want. Otherwise, call it that you have been unfaithful

nauticant · 22/04/2016 19:36

Probably because she knew she'd get a harsher ride if she'd asked whether it would be OK for her to be married while engaged in serial infidelity.

Duckdeamon · 22/04/2016 19:39

So you're still having an emotional affair with OM2: nice. And you say you're aware ONS were "damaging to me" - what about to your H and DC?

It's also pretty unreasonable to resent your H for not wanting to live abroad IMO: many, many people don't want to do this and you have 3 DC, so their needs and wishes come into it too, unless they're adults of course, in which case you'd have the option to live abroad without him.

GarlicShake · 22/04/2016 19:47

Reasonable, Duck, but feelings aren't reasonable. They're just what they are. It's clear OP has made the proper efforts to get over it, but sometimes our feelings tell us truths we didn't want to hear.

Her compatibility with DH may have changed. It happens often enough. When it does, it's sad and it can't be fixed by reasoning.

If that's the case, no amount of affairs will solve her problem: secret or open.

Duckdeamon · 22/04/2016 19:48

Yes, perhaps.

But she's using his actions to justify her affairs. Not on.

VegasJuice · 22/04/2016 20:04

I'm loving GarlicShake's posts. Great words.

thetruthnothingmore · 22/04/2016 22:47

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VegasJuice · 22/04/2016 23:27

Whereas you thetruthnothingmore seem like an absolute charmer.

IronNeonClasp · 22/04/2016 23:50

I agree VegasJuice. Is no one allowed to come on this forum, ask a serious question, be honest and be treated with respect and value. Just to be flamed and called a cunt. Totally, TOTALLY unacceptable.

We all have issues and we are NOT perfect. Well some of us are obviously geez.

No one should be flamed for asking for advice for gods sake on a public forum. Sit there on your tablet JUDGING.

FGS this is not 1956. Why post if you have nothing constructive to say.....

Hope you haven't been put off OP...

Duckdeamon · 23/04/2016 07:09

The trouble (for OP) in suggesting an open marriage is that her H will inevitably ask Qs about why OP thinks this is a good idea and whether she's met people she fancies. If the H knows her well OP might confess and/or her lies be rumbled by him. Once he's no longer "in the dark" she doesn't know what he will do, eg he mayend the marriage.

It seems likely (speculation!) that OP is half on the lookout for someone else to be in a relationship with through being open to new romantic relationships/an affair (emotional or physical), and doesn't want to risk losing the benefits of her marriage.

Joysmum · 23/04/2016 07:17

It takes a special kind of selfish to risk their marriage and hurting their family for an hours meaningless fucking (with more on the cards).

The OP knows it's wrong and how hurt her DH would be or it wouldn't be a secret to him. Yet her meaningless fucks are more important than he is. Utterly selfish. Let him find true love and provide a superb example of what that is to the kids so they stand a chance of seeing a good example of a strong relationship to model in adulthood.

thetruthnothingmore · 23/04/2016 07:18

What has commitment, honesty and self-control got to do with 1956 FFS? Make a choice and stick to it. And drop the self pity.

Toffeelatteplease · 23/04/2016 07:28

The problem with taking the OPs concerns with monogamy seriously, is that it doesn't really reflect what has happened.

The OP has cheated and has tried to excuse cheating by saying "oh well I was never really right for monogamy so that makes it ok."

She has interpreted any replies that reference polygamy positively as "oh well other people have issues with monogamy to" whilst ignoring any criticism of her behaviour. (No actually I personally have no problem bring monogamous but I consider honesty, loyalty and respect as more important).

I see more effort to justify the OPS on behaviour (which us not good), than any real attempt to consider polygamy. As far as I'm concerned, all relationships need honesty loyalty and respect and the OP needs to do justice to her existing relationship before anyone can take seriously what she says.

peggyundercrackers · 23/04/2016 07:40

I agree with thetruth.

You have been shagging about but want to blame your husband for your actions? If you were any way bothered about your DH & family you would a have kept your knickers up. Your obviously fine with telling whatever lies you tell to keep yourself right which in my world means your selfish.

Your DH & family deserve better.

GooseberryRoolz · 23/04/2016 07:49

Is no one allowed to come on this forum, ask a serious question, be honest and be treated with respect and value. Just to be flamed and called a cunt. Totally, TOTALLY unacceptable.

Hear hear.

Joysmum · 23/04/2016 08:21

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SoConfused15 · 23/04/2016 08:54

Typical Mumsnet relationships board keyboard warriors here. Calling the OP a cunt - charming. It's so easy to sit in front of a screen, after a few glasses of wine on a Friday night, and say that she should finish an 18 year marriage, break up her family and disrupt her kids upbringing isn't it? I'm sure it makes you feel nice and smug about yourselves though doesn't it- maybe distracts you from your own weaknesses and inadequacies for a while?

Newsflash- In the real world, infidelity happens sometimes, and people deal with it. Just talk to any marriage guidance counsellor. Stop trying to make the OP feel even worse.