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Original poster

Finding monogamy challenging

93 replies

Barefoot4 · 21/04/2016 21:26

I'm 42 and have been married for 18 years. Recently, I've found myself more interested in other men than ever before. This has lead to two one night stands. I realised this was very damaging to me and completely dishonest . I worked really hard to feel fulfilled again in marriage. But, a year on, I'm talking to one of the men again and it's raised these emotions again. Does anyone else feel like this?

OP posts:
Joysmum · 23/04/2016 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna · 23/04/2016 09:40

Just because OP does not conform to your way of thinking/doing things, does not justify calling her names! Yes what she has done/is doing is wrong, immoral, etc, but calling her a cunt, really? Is that how you speak to your friends/family even when they make/ are making stupid mistakes??

OP you know your actions are wrong, hence the thread!. Keep it real with your husband, give him the opportunity to make an informed decision by being honest with him.

It's OK to find monogamy challenging, lying and cheating is another matter altogether!

I dated a lovely lovely guy once, this guy is just so so FAB, but I knew I would never be able to stay faithful to him so I broke it off, he's getting married to a lovely woman in July!

ArgyMargy · 23/04/2016 09:57

Isn't it perfectly possible that OP's husband has been doing the same as her?

peggyundercrackers · 23/04/2016 10:19

only on MN can a woman come on here and not get slated for sleeping around but then someone suggests here DH has been doing the same... Unvelievable really.

nauticant · 23/04/2016 10:35

Bloke posts: I want to stay in my marriage while secretly shagging around.

Response: That's fine, your DW may well be shagging around too.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2016 14:10

'That's brutal. No matter how sanely you talked yourself round, I expect you'd feel pretty resentful. I would!

People tend not to feel sexually attracted to those who've placed limitations on their lives and opportunities (well, not unless that's their kink.) This was only last year! I admire the work you've done on yourself, your life and your marriage - but perhaps this felt like doors closing. Does a part of you feel trapped by this relationship?

An affair obviously isn't an answer. It might be a signal that you're looking for one. '
Brutal? Placed limitations on her life and opportunities? Because he didn't want to move his family abroad? For real? If a woman came on here and posted about her husband's taking a job abroad and she didn't want to move because of her life, job, family, commitments, etc. people would be telling her to LTB, he could go on his own, etc. But when a woman does this people blame her spouse for her affair because he didn't go along with everything she wants. You admire the 'work' she's done on herself and her marriage? She's cheated on him twice and is back in an EA with another man.

WTAF?

OP has left the thread because, get real, she's going to do whatever the hell she wants.

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 16:53

Don't you think the OP could have left the thread because she was being called a cunt? For daring to admit to not conforming to the moral 'rights' of society?

expatinscotland · 23/04/2016 16:57

She left before that, Vegas.

'For daring to admit to not conforming to the moral 'rights' of society?'

Nowt to do with society, everything to do with making a commitment to someone to be in a monogamous relationship and then choosing otherwise without consulting the other party first and giving him/her the opportunity to make an informed choice whether to stay in the relationship or open it up. And continuing to behave in such a fashion by restarting an emotional relationship with one of the lovers.

CoolforKittyCats · 23/04/2016 17:00

only on MN can a woman come on here and not get slated for sleeping around but then someone suggests here DH has been doing the same

My thoughts exactly.

As for the name calling, maybe it isn't right but I hope the same people that are complaining also refrain from calling a husbsnd names the next time a woman comes on and says her husband is having an affair.

WaspsandBeesSting · 23/04/2016 17:01

For daring to admit to not conforming to the moral 'rights' of society?

Or maybe for lying to and cheating on her DH.

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:03

It is everything to do with society. We're brought up to think that monogamy is the right thing. We make those vows and then some of us doubt them.

All of you with no experience of what it's like to be in the OP's position, I'm happy for you. But please stop projecting your own feelings onto her experience. You're speculating. You're judging. And that is your opinion: it doesn't make it fact.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2016 17:11

Oh, please, Vegas. People have free will here. They have freedom to make choices and plenty of people the OP's age (and mine) have chosen not to marry, be in a relationship, be in a hetero relationship, have kids, etc.

You really think it's 'judging' and 'projecting' to point out that continually deceiving someone you made a commitment to is okay, just because it's sex?

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:18

I think we have to agree to disagree. One thing though, I think this is about way more than sex. It's about being authentic.

And she wasn't continually cheating. Two one night stands, that's all.

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:19

And yes, I really think it's judging to tell someone she's wrong. Or bad. Or a cunt.

expatinscotland · 23/04/2016 17:21

Right, okay. So anyone who's deceiving another person, it's judging to tell them that's wrong. Hmm

She is back talking to one of the lovers again, getting things going again. But that's okay, too. Fuck the other person's feelings or how they may feel if they find out how their spouse is treating them. Hmm

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:31

Of course it's judging! It's saying "you shouldn't do that."

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:32

I'm not saying that your judging is wrong or right - I'm just saying that to tell another person they are wrong or right is judging. How can it not be?

CoolforKittyCats · 23/04/2016 17:36

But please stop projecting your own feelings onto her experience. You're speculating. You're judging. And that is your opinion: it doesn't make it fact.

You are also projecting your feelings and judging too which just because they are your feelings they aren't fact.

If it is all so wonderful then why doesn't she tell her DH that she has had affairs and is cheating on him? That is also a 'fact' instead of lying to him?

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:41

No. I am having an open mind. That's entirely different. I'm saying, try stuff, live your life, I have no idea what is wrong or right. These are my experiences, perhaps they can help. Perhaps they can't.

I'm not saying anything is right or wrong or wonderful.

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:42

People cheat for all manner of reasons. To label all cheaters as evil and 'wrong' is unhelpful.

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:44

I don't think anywhere I've said " fuck your husband's feelings." I've advised to start talking.

WaspsandBeesSting · 23/04/2016 17:45

People cheat for all manner of reasons. To label all cheaters as evil and 'wrong' is unhelpful.

To say it is ok to cheat on and lie your partner that you are still sleeping with them and opening them up to STDs whilst lying and cheating on them is also unhelpful.

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:45

And maybe the outcome will be divorce. Maybe, as in my case, it will be an open marriage.

Unlike lots of you, I don't think I have all the answers.

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:46

Did the OP open her husband up to stds? I missed that bit.

VegasJuice · 23/04/2016 17:47

Maybe she did. I don't know.