He says he's not ready to get married yet

[followyourheart]

I've been with him 5 years. He's been separated from his wife for 6 years, but after much cajoling and asking finally began divorce proceedings and is divorced ( I presume as he gets all his mail sent to work and no mail comes to our house). He kept saying there was no rush. He has lived in my house for 5 years. I have asked if he will buy into my house or move to a house together, but he says that as my 3 sons live with us it doesn't feel right. When we met I made it clear that I expected to get remarried and did not believe in living with someone. Most of the time I'm fine, but a couple of times a year, (usually triggered by a lovely holiday), I just think "why won't he marry me?" Its hard to explain, its not that I necessarily want to get married, it's just that I can't understand why he won't. He says he will when the time is right, but won't elaborate what this time is or means. He says things are good and why change them. We had a row about it, and he has been at his mother's for the last 4 days. I don't want to lose him, but how can i learn to accept he won't marry me, but still feel secure in our relationship?
im 44, btw not young!

THanks

I haven't RTFT yet but I too was in similar position. After four years of living in my (rented) house I was keen to buy a house together but he wasn't because divorce was not finalised and 'these things happen when the time is right'. I bought a house on my own, wouldn't tell him where it was and gave him a date to move out of the rented property. This all happened but neither of us wanted relationship to end. We bought a house together Just over av year later and have now been married16 years. A little dramatic perhaps but he knew I meant it and it was a wake-up call for him to make up his mind whether I was important.

Hellsbells - we don't have a joint account, we use one of mine. He pays a contribution of bills and food - the name reads "(name) guest board"

(His name) guest board? Looks like he's leaving a trail of evidence that he's only a lodger to me. Why would he be doing that? Seriously rethink the business idea.

Why can't you just ask him if he is divorced? To be honest, this sounds like it's less about the marriage and more about his general lack of commitment. 5 years and he has no post sent to yours?

You sound as if you communicate really badly as a couple. He might be a nice person op, but if it's not right, marriage won't solve that.

no, we are going in 50/50 and taking out a bank loan on the remaining money with his business as guarantor.

And you are taking a third party's best guess that he's divorced?

Please get legal advice. Of your own.

Oh and please correct me someone if I am wrong.. but insecured loans do actually become secured loans if the shit hits the fan.. they will go after your house..
on the other hand the situation I am in now. I set up business with an ex 50/50 share. He walked away from the relationship. I was left with a struggling business which he wanted nothing to do with...
only it suddenly started doing ok.. now do you think I can get rid of him?
Don't do it. Don't do it. Even if you didn't have doubts and everything was sunny. Don't do it. It was the best advice I was given and stupidly ignored

Knowing that marriage was very important to you when you first met, equates to him effectively duping you, and putting his feelings above yours.
IMO if someone hasn't married you after 5 years, the chances are high they never will.

I think you may well be very convenient to him in terms of accommodation and having assets, and I would tread very cautiously in terms of the business, because potentially you may have a lot to lose if it goes down and he won't as he has no assets.
Lastly, in terms of encouraging him to have a share in your house, you really are being naive here - he won't marry you and if it all goes pear-shaped, you may have to sell up to pay him off!!
With respect, perhaps you need to start thinking with your head instead of your heart.
Good luck.