He says he's not ready to get married yet

[followyourheart]

I've been with him 5 years. He's been separated from his wife for 6 years, but after much cajoling and asking finally began divorce proceedings and is divorced ( I presume as he gets all his mail sent to work and no mail comes to our house). He kept saying there was no rush. He has lived in my house for 5 years. I have asked if he will buy into my house or move to a house together, but he says that as my 3 sons live with us it doesn't feel right. When we met I made it clear that I expected to get remarried and did not believe in living with someone. Most of the time I'm fine, but a couple of times a year, (usually triggered by a lovely holiday), I just think "why won't he marry me?" Its hard to explain, its not that I necessarily want to get married, it's just that I can't understand why he won't. He says he will when the time is right, but won't elaborate what this time is or means. He says things are good and why change them. We had a row about it, and he has been at his mother's for the last 4 days. I don't want to lose him, but how can i learn to accept he won't marry me, but still feel secure in our relationship?
im 44, btw not young!

THanks

Sounds like he is on to a cushy number; and as though he is being a bit underhand by getting his post delivered to work - that is frankly utterly bizzarre.

But - are you happy with him? It sounds as though there is some underlying feeling on your part that you would be happier of he were to marry you.

"no, we are going in 50/50 and taking out a bank loan on the remaining money with his business as guarantor".

What sort of business is it, what if it fails?. Many start ups do crash and burn. It all sounds like a recipe for a very real financial disaster, have you sat down with the bank yourself to discuss your roles in this venture. Someone, not necessarily something, will be used as a guarantor. What part would you be playing in this business venture?. You could well end up being financially as well as emotionally taken for a ride.

im not sure what you would get out of marriage - you sound insecure yet have the most to loose if you do get married.

maybe his first marriage has put him off? sounds like he had a bit of a time of it given what your friend has told you.

from what you have written he seems committed to you - he lives with you, pays bills, wants to start a new business etc. etc. after 5 years of living with you its unlikely hes in this to rip you off - no one waits 5 years to rip someone off. he doesn't want your money or he would have married you a long time ago to make sure he got half your house.

tbh you seem to have the best of both worlds.

perhaps he equates marriage with control and things changing?

Whatever he equates marriage with, he doesn't want remarry at the present time and I can't see any advantage for you if he were to change his mind. Indeed, if he were to propose now you'd never know whether it's because he wants to marry you or because you've given him no option if he wants to continue living with you.

If you're intent on remarrying because you believe it's a way of setting your relationship in stone and showing to the outside world that he's completely committed to you, you're barkingfull stop up the wrong tree and you've only got to look to your first attempt at wedded bliss to know that a marriage certificate doesn't mean diddly squat in terms of lasting commitment.

From what you've said, you've been happily living together for 5 years and there's no reason to suppose that you won't celebrate your silver co-habiting annivesary. Embrace the concept of if it ain't broke it doesn't need fixing, stop cutting your nose off to spite your face, and tell him to get his arse back to your house.

Alternatively, ditch him and look for a guy who's willing to marry with the attendant risk of him doing so in order to get his mitts on your assets.

For goodness sake don't go into business with him. If it goes tits up you could lose everything.

People wait well more than 5 years to rip someone off all the time, if it's worth it. I agree that doesn't appear to be what's happening here though OP, since he could have married you by now pretty easily. I understand why you want a demonstration of commitment, but you have a lot to lose and he's been behaving quite weirdly not getting post delivered at home. I'd want to know what that's all about!

You just seem to have quite a sweet arrangement right now, all the milk you like without having to buy the cow, and the cow has some strange habits anyway. I have probably stretched that metaphor to breaking point but I hope my point is clear. I wouldn't be putting mine and my kids financial security on the line, be it by marriage or taking substantial bank loans, with someone who evidently had something to hide.

It boils down to this. He'll marry you if the stars align right, one day. If they don't, he won't.

The reasons for that are irrelevant. You need to decide if you would prefer to be with him but unmarried or leave him and find someone who does want to marry you. That is your decision.

His decision was whether to try marriage again for you. He hasn't. After five years, you're not worth it. Whether it's that he doesn't want to marry you or that he doesn't want to marry at all is all irrelevant. Infact, his commitment level to you is so low that he doesn't even have his post delivered to you.

Unfortunately, if you're about about to buy a business together, he hasn't left you much time to make your decision.

That, or he's still married, so he can't marry you.

Why did you say it's not necessarily that you want to get married when you obviously do?

He doesn't want to get married. Do you want him enough to stay? Or would you rather have someone else as your husband to have a husband?

You're putting money into this new business, but is it actually a business that you understand and will contribute to?
Do you know what you're doing, buying a business - or are you just putting up money for him to do it?

how can i learn to accept he won't marry me, but still feel secure in our relationship?

From what you've said - because you seem very set on marriage - I don't think there is a way for you to feel secure in your relationship as it stands. You are saying as much in your posts, in lots of different ways. As long as you are not married, you will always feel disatisfied with the status of your relationship. That's what you're telling us. And he doesn't want to marry you. There is not much point trying to square that circle. Either you accept the status quo or you don't - both are valid positions, but it is a decision you need to make.

You're completely making excuses for him, followyourheart, it's sad that you have come here asking for people's opinions and yet it seems you only want positive ones that back your view. Wake up and smell the coffee. He's been with you for 5 years and "he delayed his divorce because she didn't want to get upset over Xmas" - who mourns a supposed non-existent relationship five tears after the fact. "He equates marriage with control and things changing" - no, he equates marriage with commitment and telling you the truth.

You are being led up the garden path and out of the door.

He gets no post sent to the house apart from the HMRC stuff?

Just to clarify, OP. Does he have an existing business (registered at your house?) and he is using some of the money from that to start up the other one? But he can only afford 1/4 of the start-up fee? You contribute another 1/4 from your savings and you both get a joint loan for the other half? This usually means that if he defaults then you will be liable for the full amount of the loan. And you being a home owner and all will make it easier for the bank to come after you rather than him who has no assets.

Is your money an investment in the business? In which case you'll get nothing back if it goes boom.

He seems to be asking a lot of you financially, while giving you bugger all in return.

For God's sake don't marry him in the meantime.

"i think what i want to know is not "will you marry me" but "what is it that makes you not want to marry me". "

Yes, this sort of makes sense. But it still boils down to you wanting re-assurance about your security with him,.

The basis of this general catch 22 impasse seems to be that either you are a generally insecure-feeling person, who needs some sort of proof of commitment, or else he is signalling commitment issues in general - or in particular to you.

Would it help to have a few sessions with a counsellor to sort this out - to be able to talk to each other and understand each other on it?

Don't marry him, and don't start a business with him. Because this man is dodgy, and he is not committed to you.

He does not have mail delivered to your house = he's hiding his actual residence from somebody, for shady reasons. Could be a way to evade legal and financial responsibilities. Could be to hide from you that he is not in fact divorced, or to hide from the taxman that he is resident elsewhere. Who knows. But there is no honest or straightforward explanation as to why he would be doing this, is there?

And the way he labels his contributions to bills is very telling: He is a "guest" and you are providing him "board". You are not his partner. He is not resident at your house. He wants it to stay that way. You are just providing a very convenient service that he is enjoying for the time being: room, board, sex, and capital for his next business venture.

Please please please open your eyes. You are being taken for a mug.

Hmm - if my marriage had broken down and I'd moved into temp accommodation I'd probably have had all my mail directed to my office too given my self employed status. Total pain to switch it and for what?

He doesn't own a home so we are talking bank statement, mobile bills and tax stuff. Everything else is business related anyway?

Kidnapped Thu 21-Apr-16 11:34:47 This post you should take seriously and get proper financial advice. What are the implications for you if you have to declare bankruptcy as a director of the new business. Plus if your relationship does break down what will happen to the business.

As for the rest. He may not be into you, he may not see any point in marriage, he may be hiding his divorce status, it could be anything.

Financially though it makes no sense for you to marry him at present.

Hmm - if my marriage had broken down and I'd moved into temp accommodation I'd probably have had all my mail directed to my office too given my self employed status. Total pain to switch it and for what?

He doesn't own a home so we are talking bank statement, mobile bills and tax stuff. Everything else is business related anyway?

Kidnapped Thu 21-Apr-16 11:34:47 This post you should take seriously and get proper financial advice. What are the implications for you if you have to declare bankruptcy as a director of the new business. Plus if your relationship does break down what will happen to the business.

As for the rest. He may not be into you, he may not see any point in marriage, he may be hiding his divorce status, it could be anything.

Financially though it makes no sense for you to marry him at present.

Hmm - if my marriage had broken down and I'd moved into temp accommodation I'd probably have had all my mail directed to my office too given my self employed status. Total pain to switch it and for what?

The OP and he have been together for 5 years. Has he let her know this is only a temporary arrangement ?

Er, no.

You are on a hiding to nothing with this one. I think he's still married, too. You're making a foolish financial move to go into business with him. He doesn't want to marry you. He never will (probably because he's still married to his ex).

You have to take him as he is or move on.

The OP and he have been together for 5 years. Has he let her know this is only a temporary arrangement ?

I'm making a working assumption that he lived elsewhere for a short time [a year according to the OP] after his marriage broke down?

So yes, then he moved in with her, it has turned into a long term relationship, they are very happy etc etc. BUT, the house and presumably all associated bills are in her name and so in all likelihood he gets very little in the way of personal mail and it is a total chore to update that sort of stuff, redirect mail etc etc so why wouldn't he just leave it coming to his business address when he owns it?

It doesn't have to be sinister, just laziness !

hi there

thanks for all your advice. it has been interesting reading it. I do think he is divorced as the i have been informed off the third party that he is. I am having counselling as I recognise that i do need constant reassurance due to past history (ex had an affair) am inclined to think the worst and suffer with trust. i think he hasnt changed his post through laziness as someone suggested.

However, i am going to write to the court about his divorce and I do think people have raised a very valid point if the business goes tits up as I am the one with assets and he has none. i'll think a bit deeper about that one.

I think you need to think about why you want to get married and your expectations of it?

Do you want to buy a home together because you are v cramped as it is or he really is a lodger - eg you don't make decorating decisions together, you buy any furniture or large household items and want to have something that's "ours" together.

Are you comfortable with him having a claim on your home? Is your discomfort down to how easy it has been for him to pack a bag and leave without any logistical issues?

You state that he has no assets but is that the case? He may have a share in the marital home when his child turns 18 and it can be sold. Even if you married in the morning would all of his assets [potentially including a share in your home,] his pension etc be willed to his child and/or ex wife as guardian. He may not even consider changing that and how would that sit with you? The same for you? Do you see your assets as something you wish to leave to your children in the event of your untimely death.

A poster on MN recently discussed the break up of her marriage. She and her husband ran a successful business together and she had no idea what was going to happen next when it was clear that would be an unsustainable situation. If either one left the business they would have no income.

It's really nice to think we've been together for 5 yrs, we should take the next step, have a lovely day with friends and family and life will continue as normal but I'll feel more secure about him appearing to be so transient. I think the first thing to do is to sit down together and figure a few other things out.

The fact that you have to ask a 3rd party whether or not he is officially divorced really does speak volumes though about your mutual trust and communication. I'm sorry but I would seriously consider moving on.

OP, it made my heart sink a little when you said you need constant reassurance because from what you've said, I just feel you aren't with the right person. Whilst that can be a genuine problem, I feel that if your DP gave you confidence in him, and in you as a couple then you probably wouldn't feel this way. Him not marrying you is making you insecure because he hasn't told you why. If he said "I don't ever want to get married because of x,y,z however my commitment to you is yadda yadda yadda" then you could think "OK, marriage is never going to happen but I am happy to continue in this committed relationship because yadda yadda yadda shows me that this is as serious as marriage". But he is just dangling a carrot so you're left thinking "he is open to marrying me, but not ready for some reason. Am I not good enough? Could I do more for him? Maybe I could be more lovable then he will know he wants to set that date." He is being a coward, in my opinion, and cruel.

There is a whole sub forum on a wedding website for women waiting for a proposal. They have the whole thing planned out, keep their nails 'proposal' ready and get excited about every dinner out, holiday and special occasion.

I don't know why they don't just say will you marry me. They would have their answer soon enough. It always makes me feel quite sad actually.

OP when people show you who they are believe them. He is showing you everyday that he doesn't want to marry you or he would ask. It's as simple as that.

Some of those women have been waiting years.