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Relationships

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Original poster

He says he's not ready to get married yet

81 replies

followyourheart · 20/04/2016 12:17

I've been with him 5 years. He's been separated from his wife for 6 years, but after much cajoling and asking finally began divorce proceedings and is divorced ( I presume as he gets all his mail sent to work and no mail comes to our house). He kept saying there was no rush. He has lived in my house for 5 years. I have asked if he will buy into my house or move to a house together, but he says that as my 3 sons live with us it doesn't feel right. When we met I made it clear that I expected to get remarried and did not believe in living with someone. Most of the time I'm fine, but a couple of times a year, (usually triggered by a lovely holiday), I just think "why won't he marry me?" Its hard to explain, its not that I necessarily want to get married, it's just that I can't understand why he won't. He says he will when the time is right, but won't elaborate what this time is or means. He says things are good and why change them. We had a row about it, and he has been at his mother's for the last 4 days. I don't want to lose him, but how can i learn to accept he won't marry me, but still feel secure in our relationship?
im 44, btw not young!

THanks

OP posts:

MrsBluesky1 · 20/04/2016 13:11

You sound at risk of dragging him up the alter yourself.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/04/2016 13:12

What kind of business? Is it one you'd both have equal input into, both financially and day to day running?

Mrskeats · 20/04/2016 13:14

And it's not just a piece of paper
I hate it when people say that. It's legal protection in the event that you spilt up
You have children to consider
Time for a big talk

StarUtopia · 20/04/2016 13:15

He's not going to marry you.

I met and married my DH within 2 years.

I was with previous man for 10 years with 'I'm not quite ready yet' ringing out of my ears the whole time. Lovely lovely guy. I'm still friends with him (as is DH now!). Ex is still not married. Now with another girl who no doubt he gives the same line to.

Why don't women believe it? If he wanted to marry you, he would have done so by now.

You have to decide whether it's a deal breaker or not.

Hillfarmer · 20/04/2016 13:19

What is his explanation for having the mail delivered to his work?

Why did you let him live with you if you don't 'believe' in living with someone?

Seems odd. Or you have boundaries that are incredibly flimsy.

I don't think you are being demanding. I just think you disagree about a fundamental issue and he is subsequently stringing you along, which is somewhat offensive. I wouldn't like to be patronised about things 'evolving' or stuff happening 'when the time is right'. He is seriously taking the piss. It's all excuses and you are going along with it.

I'm glad you had a row about it... it shows you are actually standing up for yourself. Carry on doing that OP. It might feel strange at first but I can tell you it feels better,the more you do it. Be a lion not a mouse!

TurtleEclipseofTheHeart · 20/04/2016 13:19

OP- do you have a good time together, share values, both talk about your future together? Does he make you feel loved and cherished? I may be wrong but I feel like your posts suggest that deep down you know he isn't committed to you and that he is just biding his time. I hate being that blunt, but I think perhaps the reason you want to get married is that you don't feel he is committed and want him to prove that he is. Sadly I don't think you will get that from him. Five years is a long time and he is stringing you along with vague promises when what you deserve is honesty. If he wanted to marry you or wanted to be fully present in your relationship and your house etc then he would. I know someone who told her then boyfriend that he had a year from when they got together to propose, or she would be gone. I'm not suggesting everyone gives their partners a timescale, but I do think there's something to be said for asserting your desires and sticking to them. Surely you owe it to yourself?
If you honestly feel that you want to marry this man, and buy a house with him, I would be frank: "I love you, we have been together five years and whether you intend it that way or not, the fact we aren't married and don't have a shared property, and that you are so vague about those things happening makes me feel that you aren't as committed to this relationship as I am. If you are, wholeheartedly, then I want us to start making plans. If you feel that you can't make those kind of plans with me after all this time then sadly I think that says all we need to know and you owe it to both of us to make this break permanent."

NapQueen · 20/04/2016 13:23

He sounds dodgy as hell. Divorced, yet no actual evidence of this. No mail ever arrives at your house for him.

Does he sleep in this house every night? I would be thinking he has another life. Tbh.

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2016 13:23

"We we about to buy into a business together, which I guess shows his committment."

Where is the business paperwork going to be sent? Who's putting the money into the business?

Arfarfanarf · 20/04/2016 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blu · 20/04/2016 13:33

He has an 8 year old child?

tbh, if I had recently divorced, and all that goes with that: sharing out the assets , etc, I would not be remotely keen to sign into another marriage, however much I loved my partner.

It sounds as if you are financially independent and self-sufficient, are not vulnerable if he leaves, and don't need marriage for material security. You might just as well say 'if you really loved him you would trust him and stop pressurising him' as 'if he really loved you he would marry you'. You need to actually understand each other.

It does sound odd about the post. Do his family not send birthday / Xmas cards to your house?

How old are your boys?

Uncoping · 20/04/2016 13:37

I'm inclined to not believe he's divorced.
Getting his mail sent to work is really, really, really odd.
Especially as he has been "living" with you for 5 years.

Sorry, but I don't think he will ever marry you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/04/2016 13:38

followyourheart

What do you get out of this relationship now exactly?. You've previously told him that you expect marriage and not living together and yet here you are today unmarried and living together. You've compromised your own principles here, why?. And 44 is by no means old is it?. Really it is not.

re this comment:-
We we about to buy into a business together, which I guess shows his committment.

No it does not, it just means that you are buying a business together which is something I certainly would NOT be doing in your particular circumstances. He comes across as completely untrustworthy, I think this man wants someone to look after him and that you are his "she will do for now" woman. Will that post re the business also go to his work as well?.

Re this comment:-
"In his defence, he was married and I think that she kind of dragged him up the aisle, then demanded kids, they went through 3 rounds of IVF, she became very demanding of everything he did, he told me he always knew he would leave before his son was 2 and he did. she did, for a long time still control him. She would arrange for us to have his son, then say she wanted him, she would switch dates and time, he delayed his divorce because she didnt want to get upset over xmas"

Do you really believe all this, have you actually spoken to his ex wife?. I think her version would be very different indeed from the picture he has painted of her. I just wonder what your own boundaries are like; why is your relationship bar so low that for instance you have seemingly not questioned why none of his personal post gets sent to your house. You've also guessed and presumed an awful lot; this is really not going anywhere after 5 years and he has simply used you and your home for his convenience.

Re the first part of your sentence are you stating that he has been already married twice?. People do not necessarily get dragged up the aisle; I smell BS here.

HarlotBronte · 20/04/2016 13:48

Why do you want to marry him anyway? You have a house, a substantial asset presumably, and children. Marrying would potentially give a spouse more claim on your home than remaining unmarried, in the event of a split. And you want to take this kind of risk for someone who's been playing silly buggers for years? I would not enter into a marriage contract, with all the legal and financial consequences, without very clear evidence of commitment.

Original poster

followyourheart · 20/04/2016 14:02

he's only being married once.

when we met i made it clear that I wanted to get married so if that's not what he want then I wasnt for him. He stayed.
We met when he had been seperated for a year. he said he thought it was easier to get divorced after two years. When two years came up and i asked him if he was starting divorce proceeding, he said he never meant that statement meant he was going to start them.

with reference to him living with me, he was living at a friends and it just kind of "evolved". i presumed that he had listened to what i said and that marraige would follow shortly afterwards when he got divorced at the two year point!

i dont know his exwife, but am friends with her exbest friend. His wife fell out with her when she remained friend with both of them. Exwife felt friend was being disloyal. SHe has told me that she was controlling. I also know that he has proceeded with divorce because friend has told me exwife was upset with divorce papers. ( I had to ask her though, as i doubted him).

he seems to put a wall up and i make excuses. I sound like a fool, dont I when you guys all put it down in black and white. But emotions are funny things!

my mum says we get very little post anyway and i shouldnt worry. his friends all know he lives with me, and actually he has just started getting his HMRC stuff sent to the house.

the signs all says he's not committed and yet I feel he is. I also know that he is very stubborn and that if I put pressure on him, he hates it. and should you put an ultimatum on someone you love and force them to do something they are not ready for??? that's not really love either

OP posts:

HarlotBronte · 20/04/2016 14:03

Blu · 20/04/2016 14:06

I agree with the PP.
If I was financially self-sufficient and owned my house and was not planning further children with a new partner no way would I marry and give away half my asset to a DH instead of my children.

He sounds not willing or able to marry, and I wonder why it is so important to you to marry? If you feel emotionally secure with him you do not need him to 'prove' it by marrying. In fact how would you know he wasn't just marrying you for a stake in your house?

Your house does not form any of the guarantee for a business loan, does it? Beyond your own stake in the business?

Original poster

followyourheart · 20/04/2016 14:08

no, we are going in 50/50 and taking out a bank loan on the remaining money with his business as guarantor.

OP posts:

mouldycheesefan · 20/04/2016 14:09

You don't believe in living together but he has lived with you for five years?
She made him have ivf? Do you know the hurdles you have to jump through to have ivf! It's a lengthy process to even be approved involving GP reports, even AIDS tests etc etc it seems highly unlikely he didn't want to do it.
He is talking nonsense. I would get shot of him. He is a liar!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 20/04/2016 14:13

he's only being married once
I'm not quite sure what this had to do with anything?
I've only been married once but I'm not going down that road again!

ijustwannadance · 20/04/2016 14:27

You still haven't answered all the pp who have asked why you so desperately need to get married? What difference does it actually make in your situation? You seem in a much better position financially now than if you were to marry.

You should listen to your rl friends who know this man.

ijustwannadance · 20/04/2016 14:29

You can be committed to someone without being married.

Want2bSupermum · 20/04/2016 14:30

You 'guess' buying a business shows his commitment to you? No. Getting married is being committed. Getting engaged with a date set shows commitment. There is no guessing when it comes to commitment. You either are or are not.

Allofaflumble · 20/04/2016 14:34

Believe me if the relationship is comfortable and sex is on offer many men (not all) are happy enough to coast along with you.

I was with someone who I wasted a lot of time with, not wanting to put pressure on etc and when it ended after many years, he moved on just like that!

His ex was a "complete bitch" had more or less "forced him to marry" "took all his money" etc yet by the end I could see why he had driven her crazy and she had my sympathy!

Really think hard about this situation because even if he does end up marrying you, there will always be some doubt in your head.

Original poster

followyourheart · 20/04/2016 14:35

most of the time i'm happy with the situation and like a lot of people have said here, i'm in a better position financially for me and my children if we just co-habit. sometimes i think what i want to know is not "will you marry me" but "what is it that makes you not want to marry me". if that makes sense. and that might be insecurity (but greatly driven by the lack of commitment he shows by his actions as explained on this thread). the rest of the time he is home every night, he spends all his time (or his son) with me rather than his mates, he is loving and kind and is very thoughtful of me (except for this one thing which he digs his heels in).

OP posts:

BertrandRussell · 20/04/2016 14:40

What will your new business address be?

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