Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

No sex life for five years

53 replies

BluebellDell · 19/04/2016 18:37

Please be gentle. I already feel like a muppet. We have been married for donkeys years and have grown up dc. Our sex life was never passionate but was ok. We both had stressful full-time jobs plus bringing up our two dc.

Intimacy started to lessen after the traumatic birth of our first dd. Because of what DH witnessed, he did not want another child, but hey, it happened. And we just got on with life.

Fast forward many years and life experiences including deaths of parents, redundancy, money troubles etc. Etc

So five years ago all intimacy stopped from DH. He said he didn't know why. I assumed he didn't fancy me anymore. He said that was not the case.

After a few months of prompting from me, he agreed to see our GP who ran tests which showed no physical problems. His testosterone levels were normal.

He then had an accident and broke his arm. He moved into the spare room while it healed and has never moved out.

It's like living with a flatmate. Why have I put up with this? I haven't. I hate it, and he knows I do.

DH now wants us to move house for a fresh start and I said no chance under these circumstances.

Everything is always on his terms and he's really not bothered if he ever has sex again. I'm lucky if I get a peck on the cheek. I think he is possibly asexual. I asked him many years ago to just come out if he was gay, and he said he wasn't.

What should I do? Say goodbye to no sex ever again, or say goodbye to DH?

OP posts:
Hillfarmer · 19/04/2016 19:00

I think you need to be straight with him that it is a deal-breaker and ask him if he ever sees himself having sex with you again. With that information you can move forward.

This is a very hurtful situation and you must feel very rejected. It is a horrible feeling. Not only are you in a sexless relationship, but it does not sound as if he communicates well with you (all the questions come from you), and he doesn't seem too concerned that you are upset about the current state of affairs. I would be upset that he is not upset that you're upset, if you get my drift.

Original poster
BluebellDell · 19/04/2016 19:16

Thank you Hillfarmer. Your insight is very welcome. You are right, I do feel rejected, which is hurtful, and I really don't want to just 'get used' to that.

Any communication re intimacy always comes from me, then DH acts like I'm nagging. Have said to DH he would probably be better off alone, but he always denies that.

OP posts:
goshnotme · 19/04/2016 19:27

You don't say how old he is? Also, is he on anti-depressants - these sometimes have the unwanted side effect of dulling the libido.

I wonder if he's stayed in the spare room because he's worried that moving back into the shared bedroom will make him feel pressured because he'll feel that each night he has to make his excuses.

Might be worth seeing someone from Relate. I'm sure they'll have come across this before, although I think it's more common for women to lose their libido in their fifties as they hit the menopause, and for their husbands to struggle with that, than it is for the male partner, but you will definitely not be the only couple to have had this issue.

Good luck. I hope you can sort it out for both your sakes.

HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 19:38

Actually Gosh marital therapist Andrew G Marshall says that its a pretty even split between the genders when it comes to lower or non existent libido.

Its a misogynistic myth that its more common in women.

goshnotme · 19/04/2016 19:50

Apologies then Helena - hadn't meant to be misogynistic. Hopefully any counsellor or therapist worth her/his salt will have come across it multiple times in all combinations of genders.

Original poster
BluebellDell · 19/04/2016 19:55

Thank you Gosh. No he is not on anti depressants, or any other medication. He is in his 50s, and very healthy for his age.

And yes, Helena, I the same age as DH but have a very normal sex drive,. Couple of times a week would be OK, sadly.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 19/04/2016 20:01

Wasnt having a go Gosh Thanks

What i meant was its a myth especially in the media.

septembersunshine · 19/04/2016 20:33

I think you need to get to the bottom of this before you can both move on. Five years is a long time. Is there possibly another woman? Maybe there is a way to rekindle things but he defiantly needs to open up to you. He obviously knows there is a problem if he is speaking about a 'fresh start', so I would take it he knows pretty much that you are feeling low and rejected and he must know that sleeping in separate bedrooms is not right. Why did he not move back in after his arm healed? Would you leave him over this? maybe he needs to know the facts and that this either resolves or ends.

Original poster
BluebellDell · 19/04/2016 21:02

September: Am pretty certain there isn't another woman. He just isn't interested in females, which made me wonder for some years if he was gay, which he vehemently denies (he is very good looking, according to all my female friends). I can't see that anymore, due to his rejection.

He has been a great Dad and our DC adore him.

It's a real dilemma. And yes, it is becoming a deal breaker for me.

OP posts:
BG2015 · 19/04/2016 21:10

Is there any intimacy or warmth in your everyday lives? Do you hug, touch, kiss each other at all?

ALaughAMinute · 19/04/2016 21:27

Say goodbye to no sex ever again, or say goodbye to DH?

What do you want to do? Do you think you can live without sex and intimacy for the rest of your life? If not, I think you should seriously consider divorcing him.

Life is too short and you deserve to be happy. Flowers

Original poster
BluebellDell · 19/04/2016 22:26

BG - no hugging, or touching, just a kiss on the cheek to say good night.

ALaugh - I can't imagine life forever without intimacy/sex. Five years has been tough enough but I am almost getting used to it which is horrible to admit to, and why I am asking for some perspective here from wise MNetters.

OP posts:
oleoleoleole · 19/04/2016 23:02

If you leave I doubt your kids would be surprised, separate rooms and no affection is having a lodger, not a husband! You deserve better X

Hillfarmer · 19/04/2016 23:34

It is entirely appropriate/normal etc for intimacy to be important to you, and for you to want intimacy with the man you married. I really think you need to lob the ball firmly into his court. He knows you want sex and physical contact and he knows that you have been deprived for the last five years. He therefore must know that you are unhappy with the situation - does he think that if he does his best to ignore this, (or just ignore you) that this does not exist?

You shouldn't have to spell it out for him, but perhaps you need to. Raise the subject again and say that sex is important to you and you are unhappy in this sexless marriage of yours. Perhaps it would be better if you did split up. Moving house won't do any good, it's just changing the scenery and the problem travels with you. If it is a problem for you, then it is a serious problem and he needs to engage with this conversation.... even if, ultimately, he says he doesn't foresee ever having sex with you again. You at least deserve some honesty here, and I think at root he is not being honest with you. Not having a fulfilling sex life, or any at all, is frustrating enough... but his dissembling and hiding from a grown-up discussion is just not honest. You deserve the truth at least... without that he is depriving you of the means to make a proper decision about what you want to do with the rest of your life.

Blodynn · 19/04/2016 23:54

Does he go out regularly each week without you?

Aussiemum78 · 20/04/2016 00:23

I left. This was only one of the problems once I looked more carefully. had he been just medically unable to I would have dealt with it, but he also made me feel like crap (critical, demeaning).

Its left me with major hangups and a lack of confidence. I gained weight because I felt like I had no reason to look attractive when I got rejected anyway.

I think you need to stop going along with it and force the issue - one way or another. doing nothing and hoping for change will not work.

Standalittletaller · 20/04/2016 07:57

I think you are right not to move. I can't see how anything is going to change if you haven't had sex for five years. He's not going to suddenly develop a sex drive is he? The very most you could hope for is you force the matter and he responds very occasionally and then you just have crap out of duty sex instead of no sex.

There are many threads on here about low libido in men and I think it's very common but probably not talked about in real life.

Can you live with not having sex ever again? I agree with pps that you should tackle the issue head on even if it is uncomfortable for him. You deserve honesty from him. However even if he says he still finds you attractive, that is meaningless if he doesn't actually want sex. He might not be honest with you.

I could not live with just the odd peck. What's the point in that? It's like living with your dad. You are not true partners.

lavenderhoney · 20/04/2016 08:04

What does he think moving will achieve ? Or does he mean fresh start on his own?

Do you have a social life without him? And with him?

TheNaze73 · 20/04/2016 08:05

I agree with ALaugh If you cannot talk it through, I think it's a straight forward coin flip. Him or sex? He's being mean, you're only asking for it a couple of times a week. I don't think there's a person on the planet, I'd give up sex for, which is effectively what he's asking you to do.

Guiltypleasures001 · 20/04/2016 08:19

I don't think it's so much the sex itself which I know to you is important, but the almost withholding of any other affection if really worrying.

You now just seem to be a house keeper op, are you going to waste another 5 yrs looking for answers that he isn't giving or are you going to provide some of your own.

If you start from the premise that he just doesn't want to, perhaps that would make it easier for you to plan a future without him in it. Thanks

loobieloo32 · 20/04/2016 08:23

I agree with pps, five years with no form of intimacy (doesn't even have to be full penetrative sex, does it?) Is a really long time if one person is really not happy with it. There's no point speculating on why he feels this way, it sounds like you have tried many times to discuss it and work through it.

I think I would give him one last chance to at least talk about it. Tell him you really need some level of intimacy and as much as you love him, this is a part of life you can't and don't want to give up. If he isn't willing to work towards returning to some level of intimacy, then you have a stark choice of leave, or design yourself to no sex.

Maybe you could ask if he has any particular fantasies or New things he would like to try, I doubt at first he will share but you never know.

It sounds like you're already trying your best OP hope you make a decision or get a solution that gives you the happiness you deserve soon x

aprilanne · 20/04/2016 08:27

BLUEBELLDELL.i get this totally i have not had sex for 3 years but i think the difference is my hubby unwell depression/memory loss .he is on a mega amount of tablets .your hubby maybe depressed even if not on tablets maybe worth speaking to gp again .if there is nothing wrong then maybe you have to make a decision .he cannot be selfish like this if he is not ill .i am only 45 and its hard but at least i know why .

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 20/04/2016 08:33

Not wanting to have sex because he's lost his libido is one thing, but what are his reasons for witholding physical affection? Has he said?

TooSassy · 20/04/2016 08:37

OP.

What a terribly sad situation. Sadly enough I don't think you are alone, this appears to be happening more and more in marriages. Maybe it always happened, we just didn't have these forums to surface these problems.

I think how you deal with this is an extremely personal decision. I will say one thing, he absolutely owes you an explanation about this.
A year ago I was in a very similar situation. Zero intimacy with STBXH. On the surface everything seemed fine/ I didn't think he was cheating, always came home on time. Very rare nights away. Transpires that at least once a week he was leaving his office early / not showing up at all and was spending times with escorts. Some of these escorts were TS. Cross dressing was involved. It's now very clear that our lack of intimacy was because I didn't float his boat sexually. But he totally wanted the comfort and respectability of a family home and was absolutely prepared to let me waste the next 10 years of my life with him.

I'm not by any means saying this is the case with your DH. But the reason I have told my personal story is because we look for 'typical' cheating behaviour and I'm telling you that my Ex showed none of the typical signs. In hindsight the person I am most disappointed is myself for not demanding answers / a resolution sooner. It's soul destroying sharing a home with someone who ignores your fundamental desires. Something in your situation isn't adding up, sorry but I don't think your husband is being entirely honest with you.

I'm now single. It's been 9 months. I don't have an active sex life still. But I'd pick being single and sexless by choice over a total lack of intimacy. Because now I have choices should I decide I really want that again.

Hugs OP. You're not alone. I just wanted you to know that.

Original poster
BluebellDell · 20/04/2016 10:13

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts and personal stories. It is good, though ultimately very sad, to know I am not alone.

Have had a small breakthrough this morning. DH is on a day off to start sorting out an estate agent etc, and I said I cannot see the point of moving if we still have this unresolved issue. I thought he would just get grumpy again, but he saw I really meant it and has agreed to go back to see the GP. He has made an appointment for next week!

I really hope the doc recommends him for counselling because I think this is a psychological thing. Even DH says he doesn't know why he has zero libido and is very embarrassed to talk about it because he feels he is letting me down. Absolutely!

So one small step. Wish me luck and thanks again.

OP posts: