No sex life for five years

[BluebellDell]

Please be gentle. I already feel like a muppet. We have been married for donkeys years and have grown up dc. Our sex life was never passionate but was ok. We both had stressful full-time jobs plus bringing up our two dc.

Intimacy started to lessen after the traumatic birth of our first dd. Because of what DH witnessed, he did not want another child, but hey, it happened. And we just got on with life.

Fast forward many years and life experiences including deaths of parents, redundancy, money troubles etc. Etc

So five years ago all intimacy stopped from DH. He said he didn't know why. I assumed he didn't fancy me anymore. He said that was not the case.

After a few months of prompting from me, he agreed to see our GP who ran tests which showed no physical problems. His testosterone levels were normal.

He then had an accident and broke his arm. He moved into the spare room while it healed and has never moved out.

It's like living with a flatmate. Why have I put up with this? I haven't. I hate it, and he knows I do.

DH now wants us to move house for a fresh start and I said no chance under these circumstances.

Everything is always on his terms and he's really not bothered if he ever has sex again. I'm lucky if I get a peck on the cheek. I think he is possibly asexual. I asked him many years ago to just come out if he was gay, and he said he wasn't.

What should I do? Say goodbye to no sex ever again, or say goodbye to DH?

@BluebellDell Does your wife ever say she loves you? Do you think you could possibly persuade her to talk to her GP about this?

Only in birthday cards.

Re. seeing a GP: She did once say she would, as during one of our 'discussions' on the lack of intimacy (initiated by me, naturally) she said totally unprompted that she was depressed and had a low libido. This was positive news to me, as if she thought / could recognise a problem, we could start a process of working it out together and with a doctor's help if necessary.

I helped as best I could with suggestions to raise libido (probably cack-handed, but I'm no expert here...) which she pointedly ignored.

So nothing happened libido-wise or GP-wise and next time I brought it up, she denied ever having said such things.

Therefore I can only conclude she's either in denial, or far more likely an excuse to avoid having to reveal the truth: I don't want you (or possibly even love you) anymore, but I like all the other advantages of our relationship, so let's just carry-on as we are and never speak of it again...

@HuskyLover1 ^People in their Mid 40's most definitely DO have sex. To say otherwise, well, you are deluding yourself, perhaps so that you can come to terms with the shitty situation that you are in. It's not your fault either, I really do feel for you.

DH and I are mid 40's, and enjoy sex 2-3 times a week^

Oh yes, I know. I'm under no illusion that that's the case, it's just my wife tries to convince me, as it suits her no-sex stance.

I would happily compromise at once or twice a week, but nothing doing I'm afraid.

Thanks for your good wishes :)

The reason for the lack of physical affection from someone with a low libido is not necessarily because they don't want to express affection, it is because it can lead to more. And when there is a mismatch it's easier just to avoid that situation.

When my children were young and I was breast-feeding and knackered, or later when we were struggling to juggle 3 kids and full-time jobs, and when I was on anti-depressants, we had a fairly long patch of low sexual activity. It wasn't that it was all that scarce - usually once a week - it was just that I really wasn't into it and found it hard to summon up enthusiasm. I did feel sorry for DH (and myself ) but didn't know what I was supposed to do about it. You can't make yourseldf want sex - you can only avoid it or pretend. Crap all round.

Happily now the kids are older and I am on HRT (I started peri-menopause early) my libido has returned with a little more enthusiasm! Still only once or twice a week but better than ever.

If during the lean times if H had stop initiating I'd have been more than happy but also uneasy about the future of our relationship. I don't think anyone with a low-drive thinks it's OK not to have sex in a relationship where the other wants it - but sometimes it's hard to know how to change things and a very difficult subject to bring up. And the long the drought goes on the harder it gets to tackle.