No sex life for five years

[BluebellDell]

Please be gentle. I already feel like a muppet. We have been married for donkeys years and have grown up dc. Our sex life was never passionate but was ok. We both had stressful full-time jobs plus bringing up our two dc.

Intimacy started to lessen after the traumatic birth of our first dd. Because of what DH witnessed, he did not want another child, but hey, it happened. And we just got on with life.

Fast forward many years and life experiences including deaths of parents, redundancy, money troubles etc. Etc

So five years ago all intimacy stopped from DH. He said he didn't know why. I assumed he didn't fancy me anymore. He said that was not the case.

After a few months of prompting from me, he agreed to see our GP who ran tests which showed no physical problems. His testosterone levels were normal.

He then had an accident and broke his arm. He moved into the spare room while it healed and has never moved out.

It's like living with a flatmate. Why have I put up with this? I haven't. I hate it, and he knows I do.

DH now wants us to move house for a fresh start and I said no chance under these circumstances.

Everything is always on his terms and he's really not bothered if he ever has sex again. I'm lucky if I get a peck on the cheek. I think he is possibly asexual. I asked him many years ago to just come out if he was gay, and he said he wasn't.

What should I do? Say goodbye to no sex ever again, or say goodbye to DH?

But Bluebell, his libido is separate from his ability to give physical affection isn't it.

Yes it is separate WhatALoad. DH has never been the cuddly sort though. Very stiff upper lip type, which I guess is just how he is (comes from a military family, if that may have any bearing on it).

That's good news, and I can understand why he might feel embarassed too, I'm glad you managed to have this chat!

Do you feel more positive? X

I have no idea how you've lasted for 5 years! I would have been long gone, before now.

Fwiw, I really don't think this is salvageable. Even if he gets some kind of treatment from the GP, and does manage to resume some kind of sex life with you (which I doubt), you're always going to know, that he's going through the motions to please you, and that he's not really into it.

I'm not sure you'll ever have that "can't wait to rip your clothes off, frantic sex" thing with him. He's just not bothered, is he?

Sorry, but this would be a deal breaker for me. You need a husband who is your lover, not a lodger/brother/flat mate.

As I see it, you have 3 options:

1. Stay put and accept that your sex life is over.
2. Separate and pursue a relationship with someone else (who has a libido)
3. Agree with your DH, that you are going to go outside of your marriage, for a sexual relationship with another man.

Personally, I couldn't accept option 1.

I agree. After 5 years I can't see a visit to anyone doing the trick. You have also said you don't see him as good looking anymore so how would you get back into the mood? 5 years is a long time. What's keeping you together?

Loobieloo, yes I'm feeling a bit more positive now he's made the appointment.

HuskyLover, yes five years is ages. A couple of years ago I suggested your point 3, but he wouldn't agree to that. Said may as well split up then. And he has never been the 'rip your clothes off' type. Looking back, that was quite obvious, but it wasn't a deal breaker then because we did have a sex life for many years until it dwindled away.

Yipeekayee, this appointment with the GP is his last chance saloon.
I'm still here because I love him, he is great in all other respects. One of the good guys. But he needs to make some effort or I will move on.

I'm a man and in a similar situation. No sex (nothing at all in a year and intercourse only ~16 times in the preceding 7 years) and no hugs / kisses / cuddles / hand-holding. But equally, seemingly 'happy' family life - friendly atmosphere, no rows, no cheating, no real money worries, happy kids, etc...

I've kind of come to the same conclusion as you - that she may be asexual. I've tested the water in the past with letting her know I'd be okay with her exploring any lesbian or bi 'fantasies', to try to tease-out any latent gay feelings, but I really don't think that's the issue.

She's just not interested in sex. She likes the pleasure, but she takes care of that (so I believe) simply to scratch an itch when rarely required. No sexual thoughts involved and certainly no need for a man (me or other).

And trying to improve her libido by suggesting new things / being flirty / romantic / dirty / suggesting massages / taking a bath together / etc. / etc. is just a pointless exercise. It's like trying to get someone who really really isn't hungry to try different varieties of chocolate cake. She doesn't want it, so why should she try to want it.

It's unfortunate then, that all the pressure of doing something about it (and I believ something has to be done) falls on the abandoned party. That is really hard, because as well as already feeling low and rejected (it's the lack of love and warmth that botheres me as much as the sex) it also falls to me to be the 'aggressive' party in bringing it to the fore.

'Aggresive' why?... because the other person will quite happily continue forever in their ways, perfectly content to ignore and never speak of their withdrawal of intimacy. Then when I bring-up the issue, I am made out to be the aggressor / bad guy / sexaholic / home breaker / etc. / etc. when all I'm trying to do is have a normal, happy, loving married life with the person I married.

I've had 8 years of absolutely no physical contact. I am leaving as soon as possible. Busy planning everything so I can go. Enough is enough.

And would it not feel odd/uncomfortable having sex with someone that you've effectively been living with as a brother?

I had a low libido for over 10 years which was very difficult for me and my husband to come to terms with and adapt to.
The worst thing he could do was start making ridiculous suggestions/assumptions that I'm gay or have sexual fantasies that do not include him and that's why I'm not interested in sex. Every time he said something like this it would just make me feel terribly embarrassed and ashamed of my low libido.
The best thing to do is encourage him to seek professional help via the doctors and counselling, whilst making sure he is fully aware that you cannot stay in an affectionless marriage.

Exactly, Ordinary. You described it well. It's as if they're quite happy with the status quo and it becomes our 'fault' if we dare to question it.

Guess that's them sticking their head in the sand because they, perhaps, really really don't know why they have no sexual feelings and hate to be called out on it. Especially when everything else in the relationship is relatively happy.

Am sure DH has never cheated. He isn't that interested. I've seen women over the years openly flirting with him, and he doesn't even notice.

Lousy, I'm not surprised you have made that decision. Good for you and good luck. I wish I was that brave.

Rubbish, that's a good point. I really don't know. Think I'd feel a bit shy at first after all this time. I do know that I can no longer instigate anything after being constantly rejected. It would have to come from him and be genuine.

Thank you Janeseftr, did you go on to have have professional counselling and did it help you?
DH is seeing our GP next week and I'm hoping counselling may be offered.

Sometimes you have to go as far as separating so that each party can see what life is like without the other. Also sometimes time apart can in itself cause a reigniting of passion.

Been there and got the t shirt but now I'm through menopause I'm quite glad to have my own bedroom and we do get on.
Many friends I know are now divorced and regretting it.

I lived in a sexless relationship for three years after birth of ds2. It was emotionally destructive for me, in some respects it made me hate myself as I spent so long picking over what was so bad about me.
Turned out he was having affair and also erectile problems. I forced the issue after 3 years and I can still remember that sex as the most uncomfortable awkward unpleasant experience, no emotions, I was revolted by him and by my need to have sex.
We split up.
For the last six months I have been enjoying fantastic sex with a man who clearly wants me and enjoys having sex with me. The difference this makes to your life is amazing.
Just thought my story might help, in that there was no way I could've rekindled anything after 3 years of no sex.
However the ex was never really my thing sexually so I wasn't coming from a positive place to start with.

@BluebellDell: ^"Exactly, Ordinary. You described it well. It's as if they're quite happy with the status quo and it becomes our 'fault' if we dare to question it.

Guess that's them sticking their head in the sand because they, perhaps, really really don't know why they have no sexual feelings and hate to be called out on it. Especially when everything else in the relationship is relatively happy."^

I agree.

I already feel thoroughly miserable about the whole "I'm obviously no longer attractive, or loveable or needed emotionally", without adding to it with "you're also the selfish ^%$*! who wants to turn your kids' life upside down because you want hugs and sex"!

During the 'down' moments, I know I can't carry on like this and something has to be done. I need love and why would I want to stay with someone who doesn't want me?

In the 'up' moments, I just feel so self-centred and that maybe she's right; nobody our age (mid 40s) does it now and we should just be content with bringing up our family and getting by financially. Is it worth all the turmoil to end-up living on my own, feeling like a home-wrecker?

Personally, it's not like I'd even be leaving to go find someone else. I don't feel I'd go looking for a new lover and would almost certainly be on my own, but I just can't face staying with someone who doesn't love me.

Ordinary: I used to feel unattractive too and that it was all somehow my problem to actually want a sex life with the man I married. But not anymore. If anyone is being selfish, I think it's him.

Blodynn has hit a chord with me re separating to actually find out what you are both missing, as in 'you don't know what you've got til it's gone .....'

Does your wife ever say she loves you? Do you think you could possibly persuade her to talk to her GP about this?

In the 'up' moments, I just feel so self-centred and that maybe she's right; nobody our age (mid 40s) does it now and we should just be content with bringing up our family and getting by financially. Is it worth all the turmoil to end-up living on my own, feeling like a home-wrecker?

People in their Mid 40's most definitely DO have sex. To say otherwise, well, you are deluding yourself, perhaps so that you can come to terms with the shitty situation that you are in. It's not your fault either, I really do feel for you.

DH and I are mid 40's, and enjoy sex 2-3 times a week. Kids are grown up and we're about to embark on some new adventures, going to countries we've never been to before etc. You're not over the hill at 45, for goodness sake. Please, please don't let anyone make you feel old at this age.

I know it's hard when you still love someone but I think sometimes you have to take the bull by the horns and do something about it. You get one life and staying together in a sexless marriage is just miserable. Kids won't thank you for staying together in the future, they might not even visit. My mum is one of these that stayed in a miserable and from what I have heard sexless marriage for 15 years! They were together 40. My dad has passed away now but she is so bitter. I can hardly bear to sit in a room with her for more than 30 mins moaning on about how bad her life has been when frankly she only has herself to blame. Don't waste your lives. You might still "love them" but you can still maintain a relationship with them as friends if you split up. It is possible to love someone else and maintain friendships with ex spouses. Lots of people do it. As for money, well you can't find happiness because you have four bedroom houses or whatever. I knows it a tough and a big decision but time is passing by. I'm not just replying to the OP here, it's everyone. There are millions of people out there. it's not compulsory to stay with the same person forever. It just takes guts to do it but please consider it. People generally don't change.

Yippee, yes I wouldn't like to end up being bitter like your Mum. And the more I think about it, the more I think I need to leave and start again. Our eldest DD has sussed the situation and I already have her blessing to move on. I just have to summon up the courage, though will give DH the benefit of the doubt and wait to hear what happens when he sees the GP next week. Have waited five years, so perhaps should wait a few more days. After that I will have to decide.

I agree you sound unhappy and we all have only one life to live

What do you get out of this relationship ?
Do you spend time together doing hobbies in evenings or weekends
Do you communicate
Do you laugh together
Do you have holidays together

No affection
Seperate rooms

If he is thinking about moving, I would think about going your seperate ways

What are you afraid of ?

Lucky:
Yes we spend lots of time (perhaps too much) together and share the same sense of humour, communicate reasonably well, though he does often expect me to be a mind reader, which I constantly remind him I cannot do, he needs to tell me what he thinks/feels.

I am afraid of starting out again being single after so many years.

of being single

Ultimately it is your choice and your life

I know what I would choose and indeed I have chose to start again
It is hard at first, but it gets easier
You can do what you want
You can make new friends

I found it useful to think
How would I feel in 1 years time
How would I feel in 5 years time
How would I feel in 40+ years time
That is when I made my decision
For me it was an easy decision
I made a list of reasons to stay and reasons to leave
The decision for me was very clear

Luckily I made the correct decision for me

You could still remain friends if you have children....

I would suggest if you decide to stay together that you both make some changes

I hope the appointment with the GP goes well. Does he have a stressful job? Many men's libido can change in their 50s due to many things. Tests your GP ran may not be sufficient enough to see if there is a physical cause. Neurological problems can affect libido as can kidney problems etc. If he has impotence and/or erectile dis function then he may also be embarrassed given his background. It may be as he says that he finds you attractive but if he can't get erections, then he can't perform. Could you suggest he see a counsellor privately rather than wait to be referred?