Need someone to talk to

[aloneandsad]

Will try and keep this as brief as possible.

Am married with 2 children ,one of whom has special needs.
I in the past have suffered from panic attacks and agarophobia.
My dh holds down a job and most nights after work goes to the pub drinking to varying amounts.
Just before christmas he came home and could'nt walk he fell and cut his head in our driveway .
He said all over christmas how sorry he was but first day back to work he came home in a similar state wandering round the cul de sac looking for our house.

Now I have been dealing with this for a long time and was doing really well up to this point but just before christmas i started getting panicky again and did'nt take my ds to school.
I have issues with the school anyway but how they deal with my sons special needs.
Since going back to school last wek my ds was upset about going back but he went last week.
the last coule of days i have 'nt took him as i have been in such a state and i know this is wrong and will am sure people on here will say it s wrong.I know that more than anyone and don't want to slip back into not being able to go out again and lettting my son down.

Tonight dh has come home at 10pm really drunk and started shouting at me telling me i am a useless mother and whyy did'nt i take ds to school.i tried to explain i need some support n the evenings and not knowing when or how drunk he will be does'nt help.
he said he is talking it out of my hands now and calling SS and telling them i can't cope and that he thinks i should be sectioned as i have lost it.
He just kept telling me to f off and i went upstairs and his down the side of the bed and he came up looking for me.he has never hit me but is so aggressive and shouts into my face calling me a stupid bitch .
After a while i went back downstairs and he pretended he was asleep on the sofa and i went to the kitchen.he came in and corned me and grabbed me by the scruff of the neck scratchimng me as he did it and kept saying i was useless and he only stays with me for the childrens sake.
i brought up about his drinking and said i needed some help but he just kept saying f off and eventually he went upstairs and went to bed.

i can't live like this much longer his famiy are aware of his drinking but brush it under the carpet and my parents died a few years ago and my sisters know of this to some degree as does his sister but they don't live near me so i feel so alone.

I am finding it difficult to deal with my sons special needs and it breaks my heart and i just want to protect him
I know i can't keep him off school but i want to make sure the school understand his condition and he is being treated in the right way.
i don't mean to keep him off school and some might say it is selfish but i need some help to get over this.
My dh just kept saying hios children come first and i am f--king them up but i tried to tell him i ned some help as teir mother so i can deal with things better day to day and his drinking is bringing me down and i have no support from him,he says he is fed up with my anxiety issues .
He does'nt see his drinking is contributing to this.

He frightened me tonight when he had me by the scruff of the neck and shouting at me with bulging eyes and he was so drunk he was'nt even looking straight at me.

I am a complete mess and now worrying about how i will pull myself together to get my son to school tomorrow and keep from falling apart.
i have things in school concerning my son i need to do to help him but feel so over rought at the moment i can't handle it.

sorry,was'nt really brief was it?

You are suffering from Domestic Violence/Abuse. You dont need to put up with this....

You are, to all intents and purposes, a single parent, with the added stress of dealing with an alcoholic.

If your H DID phone SS, i think it may well help in an unexpected manner....he is an abuser.

I just wanted you to know I had read this - have to see to DS but will be back in a while. Hope that someone is around who can help you.

Sorry

{{Hugs}}

no wonder you've got anxiety issues. You poor thing. Try not to feel too bad about not taking DS to school, I know it's not ideal, but your circumstances are so difficult. Is your Son in mainstream? Do kick up as much fuss as you feel able to, to get them to meet his needs. One of my boys had special needs, I say had, it was a speech problem which is now much better, but he too went through an awful phase of not wanting to go to school, and I know how hard it can be to just get them there. You haven't got much of a support network in the way of family, what about your Health Visitor? Is she approachable? She should be able to offer you help and guidance and support. Are you in regular contact with your GP? Do make an appointment if you haven't seen him/her recently. Don't worry too much about your DH calling SS. I have a hunch he's scaremongering. Surely he wouldn't want your DS taken away, either? In fact, SS wouldn't take him because of you, but they might because of him. I wish I could be more help to you. Give me a shout on this board or chat if you need a shoulder. I'm usually lurking

Sorry to hear of the illness that youre suffering but your DH is NOT helping at the slightest esp when hes drunk. Please try and get some help from elsewhere to help you to take your DS back to school - SS. i hope u get well soon xx

Thanks for your replys.
I would just like to say I am not perfect as DH likes to point out.

He says I don't look after the children properly.
His words "you can't even be bothered to take your own child to school"
I don't do it maliciously but am struggling at the moment.
I am always here for them but DH just says i have no discipline with them .

I don't keep the house to his standards ,I know i have let things go but have no motivation .
He kept on tonight about how the kitchen floor was dirty and the toilets and just generally picking at everything.
I try my best.

if my children needed me I am here sober and able to look after them,him meanwhile is upstairs flaked out on the bed unable to look after anyone.
I pointed this out to him and he just said even sober I am useless.

you need to speak to someone regarding your agoraphobia, anxiety and stress. i suggest going to the doctors and asking them what is available to you.

Instead of worrying about the care and treatment of your child at school, you need to be proactive. Once you have regained control i believe it will help with your agoraphobia/stress and anxiety.

an analogy. i have had some time off work. it was all legit. but i had been away for so long i was frightened of going back.

when you keep your child off school it doesn't ease your problems rather it compounds them with yet more anxiety and stress. now you worry about tomorrow and what excuse to give and you have all day to worry about the walk to school, facing the teachers, how your son will be treated and nothing was actually solved by taking off the time - which is why you did it in the first place - vicious circle.

so, you need to make an appointment to see a teacher at school. Schools are very amiable regards this - if you can be flexible with your time ( ie after registration or when they are less busy)

Mumsnet can help you compose some non threatening questions which will lead to a flow of information. When you have some hard facts and are properly informed ( as opposed to worrying) only then can you strive forward with obtaining the best for your child.

the school will be more than willing to have regular meetings with you as long as its seen as information flow rather than school/teacher bashing.

lastly. your husband is an alchoholic. He is using you as his excuse to carry on being an alchoholic. He can get help in a number of ways. however what cannot happen is that you MAKE him get help.

there is a support group for families of alchoholics - google it. Join IT.

when you have joined it, you will realise the techniques he is using to remain alchohol dependent.

the most important thing to remember is to do something rather than worry about it. I often have things i must do for work but i am so frightened of how it will turn out - i put it off - then i worry endlessly about it and get in a state. so better just to do it!

see.

this will give you much more than information. it will give you confidence in your own ability as a mother.

phone school tomorrow.

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NO ONE IS PERFECT but he got no right to grab u by the throat

Don't let him make you feel like a bad Mother - you're not. Heck, most of us let the housework go from time to time. If he's so worried about the cleaning - let him do it. Might keep him out of the pub. You've obviously got your DS's interests at heart and have a genuine concern for him. Grrr, I wish I was there so I could give your DH a kick up the bum.

He is a fucking bully!!!

Go to your GP & try & explain what you are going through. He is an alcoholic if he has to drink every night. It's no wonder you are under so much stress you poor woman.

I feel for you, & for your kids if they never know what state their father will come home in every night. It's him doing the damage to them, not you.

Chin up, come here for support & maybe one day you will have the strength it takes to live without him & his bullying manners.

So sorry you are going through all this. I am not suprised you are suffering from anxiety attacks - your life sounds very difficult.
Your husband certainly sounds abusive & clearly frightens you.
Are your children still under a HV? If so, I would reccomend you think about having a word with her, as she could offer you some much needed support.
Dom't worry about SS. He is the one at fault here - they won't take your children from you, but may be able to provide you with some help.
My heart goes out to you.x

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Your husband is a bully and an abuser.

If the floor is dirty, why the fuck doesnt he get a mop/hoover out and clean it?

He has run you down so much your self esteem is rock bottom. This, on top of everything else you have to deal with is making you feel this is your fault. It really isnt.

Agree with the advice custy gave. Please go and see someone to get some help.

Thanks everyone for your replys am over whealmed.
I expected an ear bashing re not taking my son to school .

I know it is a vicious circle Custardo and this morning i felt so ashamed of myself that I had not taken my son to school and felt awful.
Then I got scared about answering the phone and telling DH as i knew he would be annoyed which was probably what tonights drinking session was all about.

He kept ringing me today on the landline and my mobile and i fianally answered it and told him i did'nt take ds to school and he went mad saying SS will be after us and we have a legal obligation to get him to school and i was a liar for telling the school i was ill and could'nt bring him.
I tried to explain to him but he just said i have got to go back to work now and put the phone down leaving me feeling like shit.

My son is in mainstream but his own teacher has told me she knows nothing about his condition and that worries me.

I am frightened to speak to the school and would'nt know what to say ,also had dealings with an awful HV before who mis diagnosed my sons condition and it led to all sorts of problems.
am scared they will think i am not coping and i won't be able to tell them about dh's drinking and they will think it is all my fault.

In dh's defence he is a good father and plays and cooks with them at weekends,but just this sunday gone he nipped out saying he would 'nt be long and went to the oub and came back very merry spoiling our sunday.

Tonight my ds was trying to stay awake to see him and i felt so hurt for ds that dh is satying out drinking rather than coming home to his children.

Just wanted to ask if anyone knew what the school would think of the situation regards my anxiety.
DH keeps saying they will say there is'nt a place for him because he has said time off and they won't nderstand.
His teacher did seem quite of with me when i took him back after christmas.

I don't know if i could tell the HV about dh's drikming as am frightened they will think the children are in danger,which they are not.
I f i own up and say i am not coping at the moment what will they do?

I had CBT therapy a couple of years ago for this but know i am slipping back .

I am tired all the time and at the wekend i dared to lie in and DH just made snide comments and then disapeared down the pb in the afternoon as if it was his way of getting back at me.i f i go upstairs to lie down for a bit the cildren come up and ask me for driks etc and dh just lets them he does'nt think i need anytime to myself.

He say s he goes out to work and when was the last time i worked.

aloneandsad, I recognise some of your h's weapons, because my ex used the same.
He criticises you, to deflect attention from his own failings.

can you get some more support re special needs in the SN section of mumsnet? People might have some more ideas about dealing with the school.

Thanks nightynight,i culd really do with some advice on approaching the school.
I will start a thread in the special needs section.

As for my DH deflecting his failings on to me I have often thought this myself.
If I bring up his drinking he totally ignores me and starts tslking louder and repeating himself asking me the same question over and over.

I noticed you said EX so obviously you split up,was it beceause of his criticisms?

Hope i am not being too nosey.

First of all, do you love your dh? Because personally i wouldn't be putting up with this crap, who the hell does he think he is! Yelling at you cause the floors aren't up to HIS standards - tell him to get of his drunken arse and hand him a f**king mop if he is that bothered! Secondly, you have every right to be worried about your son not recieving the correct treatments and attention at school. Especially if the teacher has addmitted to knowing nothing about his condition, of course your gonna freak out when someone tells you that! However, nothing can be done and the school cant improve their care for your son if they are ignorant to it, can they. You have to make that move for your son.
Your confidence sounds as if its been shattered and for that you have my deepest sympathies, but don't you dare let somebody who needs alchohol to feel secure within himself get you down. Ok so you have some insecurities at the mo, but are you gonna let them get the better of you, no your not. You've fallen into a hole and you have to claw your way out of it, cause both your children are waiting for you at the top of it.
Lastly, are you in the bristol area. Cause i could be round in a flash to unleash some of my pregnant, hormonal instabilities on your hubbys ass, then we'll see who's cowering at the side of the bed. DO NOT let this man get the better of you, let him know he cant treat you this way!
Take care sweetie, we are all here for you if you need a friendly cyber hug or just a chat x

You should find your Son's school to be understanding and supportive. If they're not, then they're not very good at their jobs. What are your Son's special needs exactly? How many children have you got? Is there a Special Needs Co-ordinator at school? You should find her a good contact, and she should be able to give you advice re your Son's condition and possibly even about getting some help for yourself. Your Son's teacher should know about his condition. Definately go and see your GP too. Tell him/her about your DH, don't be scared, they'll know what to do.

Thanks everyone.

DH left for work early this morning so did,nt see him,he slept in the spare room last night.

He has not phoned this morning.

Have not taken ds to school again and feel awful about it but just got up this morning feeling all panicky and numb.
It's like this is happening to someone else.

I think I still love DH but don't like him and sometimes I hate him.
I have 2 children a younger daughter as well.

I feel so ashamed to admit to the GP about DH 's drinking and feel i would be betraying him.

As for the school there is a SENCO but she has not been involved in my son's schooling and has never attended any meetings we ahve had with the school.
His teacher and the headmistress is aware of my panic attacks but are not very sympathetic.
I feel they are judging me as a bad parent .

We had a meeting at the school with a lady from childrens services about my sons toileting problems and my DH just sat there and gave no views ,his teacher went on to tell me hoe her children had been toilet trained from an early age and the lady from childrens services warned me if it was'nt sorted soon my son would be teased at school.
I felt like everyone was getting at me and burst out crying making me look like an emotional wreck.
The threat of my son being teased made me feel so sad and it was like emotional blackmail.

My son has a speech delay and selective mutism so does'nt talk in school but talks in most other situations so asking for the toilet is obviously a big issue for him and they were trating it like dealing with a hate to use the word "normal child",
Ds's issues are anxiety based and the whle school thing frightens him but can't seem to get through to them that this is the case.
I even had to recommend a website for the lady from childrens services about my sons condition as she knew nothing about it.
how can she treat him without all the facts.

I know my problems at the moment are not good for ds and do my best to hide them from him and stay confident.

As for DH he just thinks I am to blame and can't see that his drinking is compounding my problem so it is a vicious circle i can't break free from.

Is there another mother at school who could pick your son up and walk him there for a few days until you feel better about taking him in or a relative who could do that? Is he not old enough to walk on his own (presumably not)?
Is there some way he can put up a notice or something (if he won't speak at school) to say when he needs the toilet or can't he just be given special permission to leave for the toilet whenever he likes without asking if that the main problem.

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Xenia-DS would not go with anyone else to school as he likes the reassurance of me taking him and feeling safe.

I don't have any relatives nearby who could do this for me.
DH says he can't take time off work but has said he may ahve to but not in a helpful way in a resenting way saying i am letting ds down and this would only fuel his anger towards me.He does'nt understand.

DS has a phobia about toilets which i am told can be the case with children with selective mutism.
It is the whole noise issue and crowded surroundings he does'nt like, he uses sign language at the moment to alert the teacher.