Need someone to talk to

[aloneandsad]

Will try and keep this as brief as possible.

Am married with 2 children ,one of whom has special needs.
I in the past have suffered from panic attacks and agarophobia.
My dh holds down a job and most nights after work goes to the pub drinking to varying amounts.
Just before christmas he came home and could'nt walk he fell and cut his head in our driveway .
He said all over christmas how sorry he was but first day back to work he came home in a similar state wandering round the cul de sac looking for our house.

Now I have been dealing with this for a long time and was doing really well up to this point but just before christmas i started getting panicky again and did'nt take my ds to school.
I have issues with the school anyway but how they deal with my sons special needs.
Since going back to school last wek my ds was upset about going back but he went last week.
the last coule of days i have 'nt took him as i have been in such a state and i know this is wrong and will am sure people on here will say it s wrong.I know that more than anyone and don't want to slip back into not being able to go out again and lettting my son down.

Tonight dh has come home at 10pm really drunk and started shouting at me telling me i am a useless mother and whyy did'nt i take ds to school.i tried to explain i need some support n the evenings and not knowing when or how drunk he will be does'nt help.
he said he is talking it out of my hands now and calling SS and telling them i can't cope and that he thinks i should be sectioned as i have lost it.
He just kept telling me to f off and i went upstairs and his down the side of the bed and he came up looking for me.he has never hit me but is so aggressive and shouts into my face calling me a stupid bitch .
After a while i went back downstairs and he pretended he was asleep on the sofa and i went to the kitchen.he came in and corned me and grabbed me by the scruff of the neck scratchimng me as he did it and kept saying i was useless and he only stays with me for the childrens sake.
i brought up about his drinking and said i needed some help but he just kept saying f off and eventually he went upstairs and went to bed.

i can't live like this much longer his famiy are aware of his drinking but brush it under the carpet and my parents died a few years ago and my sisters know of this to some degree as does his sister but they don't live near me so i feel so alone.

I am finding it difficult to deal with my sons special needs and it breaks my heart and i just want to protect him
I know i can't keep him off school but i want to make sure the school understand his condition and he is being treated in the right way.
i don't mean to keep him off school and some might say it is selfish but i need some help to get over this.
My dh just kept saying hios children come first and i am f--king them up but i tried to tell him i ned some help as teir mother so i can deal with things better day to day and his drinking is bringing me down and i have no support from him,he says he is fed up with my anxiety issues .
He does'nt see his drinking is contributing to this.

He frightened me tonight when he had me by the scruff of the neck and shouting at me with bulging eyes and he was so drunk he was'nt even looking straight at me.

I am a complete mess and now worrying about how i will pull myself together to get my son to school tomorrow and keep from falling apart.
i have things in school concerning my son i need to do to help him but feel so over rought at the moment i can't handle it.

the problem with your agoraphobia (as custy pointed out in her post) is that the longer you leave it, the worse it gets and the more confined you will become to your home (and this in turn isn't helping your boy).

I seriously think you need to go to the GP and be totally honest and ask for help.

Could you ask another mother/friend to walk with you to school? It may help your anxiety to have someone else with you.

Please don't let this all get the better of you - I can feel your suffering from your posts and you deserve so much better but you need to be strong enough to ask someone to help.

ginnedupmummy-Am scared to mention DH's drinking to the HV as he would never forgive me and am scared what the HV would do as far as the children are concerned.

the lady from childrens services who visits ds to do his assesments asks me on a scale of 1-10 how i am coping and I lied.
If I told her I am not coping without mentioning DH'sa drinking the emphasis would be on me and they could help which happened a coiuple of years ago and I felt better.
But then i would still be having to deal with DH and sooner or later would be back to square one again like now .
his behaviour needs to change to help me ,it's just getting him to realise it.He just says us his behaviour as an excuse as to why I feel like this .

Hewill not take anty responsibility for this.

He says I have lost it.
last night in a drunken stupor he said he would get me sectioned and get SS to put the children on a register as their mother wass not looking after them properly.
He said this whilst holding me by the scruff of the neck.

Ican't forgive him for that.
I can forgive him for the grabbing me but not the insults about me being a bad mother,no one wants to hear that,especially from your DH.

yes but if you admitted you weren't coping and they helped you (and you felt better like you did before), this would help your children and put you in a MUCH stronger position to be able to deal with dh.

Also, if you told them about his drinking, they may be able to help him which would in turn, help you?

At the moment, you have a lot on your plate and you need to decide what you are going to tackle first.

You really must get some kind of help. This cannot go on.
You are not betraying your husband by mentioning his drinking, as it is something which is affecting you & your children. Also, he would not have to find out that you had mentioned it, as anything you tell a GP or HV will stay confidential.
You desperately need some kind of support, so please make an appointment with your GP & be totally honest with them.

foxinsocks-I have an appointment booked at home next week with a new health visitor for my daughters development check.

Could gage the situation and see if i could talk to her.

DH would be annoyed that I am discussing this on here let alone telling the HV .
He just sees HV's and people from SS as interferring and we should sort things out ourselves.

I really should tackle getting help for myself first so i am in a better position to help my children ,as they come first.
My DH does'nt see the connection ,that if he supports me and helps me i wsill be a better mother.
He just says I am a useless mother .

Abusive men will say the most horrible things, which they know will get you where it hurts.
You are NOT a bad mother!
Please do speak to your HV - she could be of valuable support to you.

pinkchampange-I am worried about discussing this with a HV as had a bad exerience with one which I would rather not explain on a public forum.

If i tell the HV about DH's drinking although she will not mention it to DH she will presumably have it on record for childrens services to be privy to and they may well view DH in a different light in any meetings we have in the future.
I would imagine they would bring it up with DH as they would have the childens interests to think of.
Although DH has an excellant relationship with the childrn and theyadore him it is just me he has a problem with.

you need to take your kid to school - so how are you goping to cope tomorrow?

how are you going tohelp yourself ?

How do you get on with the HV you have atm?

Honestly - from my experience, your HV will keep everything 100% confidential, but could be a massive support for you & your family.
They may well keep an eye on you & pay you (not H) regular visits for a while, but should not jump straight to SS.
I really feel you could do with some RL professional support & your HV could be a good starting point.

Your dh has issues of his own and he is putting this onto you.

He may not like it if you tell others about his drinking. What else are you to do it is effecting your life.

Will you go and see your GP to discuss the anxiety you are experiencing. If it helps make a list of all the things you want to talk about.

You are a good mother.

People will not judge you for asking for help.

You have to get strong so that you can get all the help you need for ds.

You H is an emotional bully as well as being phyical one

I see that. My twins say their toilet door doesn't even lock at school (and that's a private school) where you might expect decent toilets. It sounds like both your son and you need some help. My 7 year olds walked to school a few times last year on their own but it's a safe route.

Custardo-I know I have to take ds to school and I always plan to the day before and then when it arrives i can't do it.
Then spend the rest of the day feeling guilty and wondering how I will explain to the school and DH.
I will have to just make myself take him tomorrow for his sake no matter what.
Not sure what DH will be like when he gets home tonight as he has not rung or e mailed so have no idea what sort of mood he is in.
I just hope he does'nt drink again tonight or come home in a foul mood and start at me again.

pinkchampange-I have not met this new HV as yet.The one I had about a couple of years ago I did not have a good relationship with and obviously this will be on record so the new one will know this.

Heavenis-
I have'nt had any dealings with my GP for a couple of years but when i had the anxiety problem before after my brother died he visited home for about 5 mins and gave me a prescription for anti depressants.
With no follow up.
Maybe I could ask for a new GP ?

when he gets home he will be very negative and calling you names becuase you didnt do it today.

dont LET HIM disable you.

take your son to school be strong.

Meant to say my brother died through alcoholism so is paticularly painful to see DH in a drunken state.

Also Dh will probably not remember what he said last night so I am the one left feeling like shit as usual.

I always hope after these incidents that DH will leave a note to say sorry or e mail me to see how we are but nothing.

Custardo-I think you are right,I know deep down you are.
I am just giving him permission in a way to drink as when don't take ds to school he can use that againest me as an excuse to drink and then blame me.

When I got better before
though I felt he did'nt like that ethier as he had nothing to use againest me.
So when I would say I am making an effort to put things right and could'nt he do the same re his drinking he would just belittle it and say we can't all be perfect and have CBT therapists.
He would also say that everyone even my family know I am mad but they don't like to tell me.Even his own mother has said she thinks I'm strange and can't understand.

Last night he mentioned a reference to his own family as he does'nt have a close relationship with them and tried to belittle my family saying "what family have you got"

KNowing full well that would upset me as my parents died a few yaers ago and my brother 3 years ago.

I must admit that really hurt and got to me and i did say to him that I could kill him for that.To which he replied "go on then"

I said I would never do that for my childrens sake,but for that instant while he was right in my face with his bulging eyes I was so mad.
That was when I went upstairs to get away from him and he came up looking for me so I hid.
He just kept saying "you can't hide away from it" and calling me a stupid bitch,.
Seems ridiculous now ,a grown woman hiding!!!

one thing at a time.

take him to school tomorrow.

then lets sort out tomorrow, tomorrow!

when he's at school lets set another goal together.

Custardo-Thank you so much.
Just reading your post gave me a lump in my throat and made me feel quite tearful.

Just to know someone is REALLY listening to me and understanding is a great help in itself.

I WILL take him to school tomorrow and deal with whatever backlash from that.

hokie cokie - its a date see ya tomoz!

Thanks Custardo

Have just e mailed DH to ask him to bring some paperwork home I needed from yesterday.

Not sure if I should have but wanted to gage his response as to how he is at the moment.

Well just got a reply and he seemed ok but he did'nt know I had'nt taken ds to school today.

I asked him to pick up a couple of things from the shops on the way home
and he just said" will pick them up on my way home"

she speaketh sense that custardo

I've suffered from that dreadful anxiety before aloneandsad and you really need to try and force yourself out that door. It's a short term fix but if you find yourself starting to panic, try and work through the times tables in your head - or start an indepth conversation with your ds about his favourite TV programme!

If you are familiar with CBT techniques could you try and use some of them to help get you out the door tomorrow? How about starting with ?I know if I step out the door my heart will race, I will feel dizzy, panicky and scared? ? but I also know these feelings are because I am anxious and that they will get better if I do it?. Try giving yourself a small in between step (trying to think of a good in between- like getting your sone in school clothes and being able to walk to the end of the garden path- see how that goes first?.). Not sure if this is helpful, perhaps you can try and think of some of the techniques you CBT therapist taught you?
In the longer term, you need to ask for help from your GP and if they don?t give you the help you need don?t be afraid to press for it. Some of the newer SSSI?s (drugs) used for depression are also helpful in treating anxiety, and I might be helpful, but it sounds like you would also benefit from therapeutic intervention. CBT is good for anxiety, but longer (more psychotherapeutic treatments) are better if the anxiety is rooted in issues from your past. It can be hard to access these services for free, but its really worth pursuing. I know all this sounds insurmountable to try and achieve, particularly with an abusive unsupportive husband. You really sound like you are doing an amazing job and you should stop and tell yourself that- you can do this. Small steps first?e everyone here will support you, Take care,

Good morning,hope your ok this morning. Just thought I'd send you positive vibes this morning to help you take ds to school.

Good luck,we'll all be hold your hand this morning.

how doody aas?

how did this morning and last evening go?

how are you

we have a date you know

i am here with coffee

my coffee is getting cold xx