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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

end of 11 year relationship

79 replies

chloe2727 · 17/04/2016 22:41

how do i go on...how do i get through this intense pain that im feeling..how do i stop crying, come to terms and accept the fact that he has left me after 11 years. I adored this guy, loved him beyond reason...and for what...for him to take my dreams and crush them..11 years living together and in the blink of an eye he walks out the door and my heart is breaking knowing i will never be with him again...i sound so full of self pity at the moment, but i truly have never felt this much despair...im a 45 year old woman for crying out loud...i should be able to do this but i cant...i have no one to talk to..no one to help ease the pain i am going through

OP posts:
chloe2727 · 21/04/2016 22:37

bad day today...i just shut the blinds and spent the whole day sobbing...didnt think it was possible to cry so much...

still cant face eating...not sure if all this coffee helps with the sleep issue...

but im one step closer than i was yesterday right ???

the longing to call him is overwhelming...but somehow i have managed not to call...

i just miss him so much..need to get my head straight or else im going to really hit rock bottom...

OP posts:
GeorgeP3 · 21/04/2016 22:46

Hi there, I feel for you I really do. I am on the brink of a split with my wife and am so frightened about what happens when we finally do. I am already crying and I'm a grown man!!! It's going to take me while to get over it but as everyone says with good freinds and family you will get over it. At the end of the day it's grief you are feeling. I know I will be having to see a counsellor that's the way i am and my make up. For a guy I'm quite sensitive when it happens to be ration ship involved, hang in there. It's good to talk and I'm feeling being cared for with so many nice people on here. X

chloe2727 · 21/04/2016 22:54

its the support of everyone on here that is keeping me going..no one judges or tells you to pull yourself together...all i read are messages of support..everyone on here cares...

OP posts:
RandomMess · 21/04/2016 23:01

I have no words but Flowers

Snowwhiteandrosered · 21/04/2016 23:33

My ex cheated on me in August after I had a nervous breakdown, we were together 9 years and it has only been since Tuesday that I've come to terms with it so give yourself time to grieve. I've been having counselling, thrown myself into spring cleaning, signed up for a mud run and tomorrow I'm having my hair cut and looking to widen my circle of friends.

hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2016 08:43

Yes we care.
And so many of us can understand what you are going through.
Unfortunately you will need to hit rock bottom but from there, the only way is up.
It is amazing how many tears there are. They just keep coming.
But they will lessen soon enough.
If you are really struggling then please do go and see your GP.
They can help. Maybe they could refer you for some counselling?
Sugary tea got me through. Ice lollies too. Sounds weird but it was sugar and hydration.
Could you try some soup?
You do need to get your strength up so try different things.
And what you can keep down, have more of. If that makes sense?

AntiqueSinger · 22/04/2016 14:03

Yes hellsbells is right re: food. You'll start to feel really crap if you don't eat a little something to keep your electrolytes balanced. It can be anything, the rule book doesn't apply. If you have nothing in and can't bear the thought of going out can you order a little shop online via Tesco's et al?

Tinned soup is an excellent suggestion. My survival diet was rich tea biscuits, with yorkshire tea and jacobs crackers with cheese. All sprinkled with a goodly dollop of salty tears. I remember eating in stages, one bite, go away sleep and cry, come back have another two bites.

I looked great that summer ha! And I felt like crap. Worst summer of my life!

With regards to crying: It's really important to let it it all just wash out. It's your body's coping mechanism. Don't worry about whether you should stop by now. It will gradually lessen as hells says. I swear I cried so much those first few weeks, I could have singled handedly provided Thames Water with enough backup in its reservoirs to reverse the hosepipe ban that summer.

So let it all out and a big well done for resisting the urge to call him. That shows how strong you are.

Snowwhiteandrosered I am Shock that you were abandoned during a nervous breakdown! What a horrible thing to do to somebody. I am full of awe to see how you've picked yourself up. You strong lady!

GeorgeP So sorry for what you're going throughSad But you'll find lots of support on MN when you're ready to talk, just hang in there.

TwoKettles · 22/04/2016 15:07

Hello Chloe - wondering how you are today? And sending a hug and some Brew

Bujinkhal · 22/04/2016 15:25

I was woken on a Monday morning by my partner of 18 years telling me she was leaving, didn't fancy me any more, wasn't sure she ever loved me but was sure she was in love with a mutual friend (not reciprocated as it turns out)

I thought my life had effectively come to an end, lost 2 stone in a month, turned to drink as my only way to get any sleep, in short I was an absolute mess. She was my first real love and we'd been together since college.

Some years later, I'm happily married, with kids, a fantastic wife and know now that I wasn't actually happy back then anyway. I wasn't appreciated, respected or desired.

What I'm trying to say is, sometimes it can seem like the worst thing in the world but in time, you might find like I did, that it was the best thing that could possibly happen.

Life has to shake you up sometimes to get you to where you're supposed to be.

AntiqueSinger · 22/04/2016 21:00

Hope you have a better nights sleep tonight chloe x

chloe2727 · 23/04/2016 09:26

its been 8 days since he left...nothing seems real, i know it wont get easier anytime soon..i just seem to have shut myself away..spent all of yesterday just staring into space..

really need to pull myself together to sort my finances out..otherwise it wont just be him ive lost..

im just so sad all the time...one day..i keep telling myself one day...

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AntiqueSinger · 23/04/2016 18:08

Everything you're feeling is natural and I know you don't believe it, but you're already on the way to recovery.

I hope today is ok for youFlowers

I know it's bloody hard.

EllenRipley · 25/04/2016 09:41

How are you Chloe? Been thinking of you!

chloe2727 · 25/04/2016 09:51

its been a tough few days..hes been gone 10 days..still feel like im in a fog...need to pull myself together, going to CAB today to find out my options...dont want to go as it really makes it seem real then...but know i have to.

really thought he would of been in contact...but no...guess he really doesnt care anymore...why am i finding this so hard...im so sad :(

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Zaphodsotherhead · 25/04/2016 10:22

Sadly, Chloe, no he doesn't care. You're sitting sobbing over him, but you can be sure he's not doing the same about you. You are sad because you are in shock and grieving, he probably had weeks, if not longer, to come to terms with what he was going to do, so he was all mentally sorted when he went. For you, it was out of the blue, for him it was just another thing on the to-do list.

You are allowed to be sad, of course you are. Sad and lost and hopeless and suffering. But you've got past the 'this time last week we were...' stage now. Every stage you get through is a little bit more grieving you will never have to do again.

Good luck with the CAB. Once you've got some ideas as to where you stand, when you can start sorting out practicalities, you can start moving on with your life. It won't feel like you are, I expect you will feel as though you are still circling the drain, but every day you are 24 hours closer to feeling a little bit better.

We're all here behind you!

EllenRipley · 25/04/2016 13:04

What Zaphod said! In my experience men who do this are sometimes just better wired to switch off and move on. And he doesn't want to feel guilt or remorse so he will actively avoid confronting your distress. His head is in the sand, but karma is a bitch. This cold turkey phase WILL pass for you and you might even get angry. Which will help on the road to recovery. Good luck today, you're moving forward. Keep getting support from wherever you can.

chloe2727 · 25/04/2016 13:09

:( went to CAB.. feel so depressed...
so what if im a full time carer to my mother
so what if i am unable to work as there is no one else to take care of her
so what if my partner has left and am broke
so what if i love my family home..
turns out that i am able to claim income support...which with my carers allowance will give me a monthly income of £420!!!!!!

BUT as i am living in a house that is too big for me...i have to pay 'bedroom tax'...i will get housing benefit and council tax benefit...BUT will still have to find £120 a month to cover bedroom tax, £20 month to cover council tax..£80 to cover gas and electric, £50 to cover water not to mention car tax and car insurance, phone line and tv licence...by the time everything has been taken into account i will be left with the grand sum of £20 a month to live on...oh its possible if i dont eat i guess!

my car might seem like a luxury but believe me..its a necessity, my mother lives close enough to me..but too far to walk..so i really do need it...and the phone for obvious reasons..

i am going to have to leave my wonderful beautiful family home :(....so not only do i lose my partner..i lose my home too :(... this is all so much for me to take in right now...i never buried my head in the sand when my partner was with me..i knew how much he paid out each month...but he chose to do it...he told me to become a full time care for my mother..she has no one else and im honoured to take care of her..oh i could 'get a job'...but how, where, when...carers really do get a raw deal sometimes...whos going to employ me when i cant do regular hours and will need to be away from work more times than im there :(

i know i have some huge decisions to make but right now im really not thinking straight..i am just broken :'(

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 25/04/2016 15:17

Does your mum have a spare room?
Could you move in with her?
Unfortunately, a lot of us have to move out of the home we love when we separate.
It's another casualty of relationship breakdowns.
Could you maybe do a job that suits you and you work for yourself?
A cleaner maybe so you have flexibility.
Just take on a couple of houses a week and do them when you can?

EllenRipley · 25/04/2016 19:49

Do you rent or own? Is his name on the lease/mortgage? On the bills? Does he have any legal obligation to contribute in the short term at least?

chloe2727 · 25/04/2016 20:06

its rented...i know the rent is paid up till the end of next month..he always made sure all the bills were a month in advance...

cant move in with my mother..had thought of that but its a one bed although i guess i could sleep on her sofa :(

i know lots of women go through losing their home after a split..just cant bear the thought of it on top of everything else at the moment :(

one day things will work out...one day :(

OP posts:
Kirk123 · 26/04/2016 00:00

Chloe , it's late but I have read all your threads , mine left me after 30 years , kids grown up all alone , it's been over a year now , and mn friends have helped me to survive my lovely and we will help you , it's worse than any hurt you will experience , worse than a death as the fue loving you , you need to grieve for your planned out future with him , but as they say if it doesn't kill you it makes you stronger , no sleep , a roller coaster of emotions , from anger to crying , to feeling a failure , to becoming like a woman possessed all absolutely normal. We are here for you day and night as we are to walking your journey 👣

EllenRipley · 05/05/2016 11:21

How are you Chloe? X

ThankGodItsThursday · 05/05/2016 12:52

Chloe your posts are mine.

My husband of nearly 12 years left on Sunday.

Everything you have said is how I feel. I can't eat or sleep. Keep crying at work. Having imaginary conversations with him where he wants to come back.

I've not heard off him and want to call him so bad but I haven't.

I have said I'd feel better if he had died. The money worries would be gone and I'd not feel like a failure. It must be my fault he's left. Why wasn't I enough to make him happy?

I hope that we both get through this but it's bloody hard at the moment.

EllenRipley · 05/05/2016 16:39

Oh heck sorry to hear that TGIT... Everything that's been posted here in reply to Chloe applies to you. I've seen someone close to me go thru this and she has come out the other side, and in a better place. I hope Chloe comes back, you could both be a good support to each other. X

AntiqueSinger · 05/05/2016 18:09

Yes Chloe, I hope you're O.K.

ThankGod, So sorry you're going through this. He left on Sunday?! What an awful bank 'holiday'. You are amazing for even being at work franklyStar The early days are complete and utter shit. You walk around feeling like a walking reservoir of tears, you feel like the world has ended and you have a big pole going through the middle of your heart, and everyone around you just seems oblivious. When I went through it, I remember it got to the point when the pain became so great I started looking at really elderly people with envy; they seemed to have so much peace; no expectations, no strive, no heartbreak. Of course my thinking was warped, and when things started to clear I could see how lucky I was to have my health, and people in my life you loved me, and a new perspective. It certainly made me stronger. I now know that if I have to go through the same thing again, it'll hurt like hell but it won't kill me. At the time I honestly thought it would.

You'll get through this I swear. Well done for not giving in to the huge urge to call. That takes massive strength. Keep it up because if you give in, the call will take you backwards. It will be hard to retain your dignity during the conversation. Each second no contact takes you forward in the positive direction.

You'll be stronger, and good things will come. Keep saying that to yourself: This is utter shit, but one day, not now, not next week, but ONE day, I WILL feel normal again and good things will come.

And they will xFlowers

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