end of 11 year relationship

[chloe2727]

how do i go on...how do i get through this intense pain that im feeling..how do i stop crying, come to terms and accept the fact that he has left me after 11 years. I adored this guy, loved him beyond reason...and for what...for him to take my dreams and crush them..11 years living together and in the blink of an eye he walks out the door and my heart is breaking knowing i will never be with him again...i sound so full of self pity at the moment, but i truly have never felt this much despair...im a 45 year old woman for crying out loud...i should be able to do this but i cant...i have no one to talk to..no one to help ease the pain i am going through

[oxcat1]

I'm scared that I'll only bring bad examples to this thread, but I am posting here simply because so many supportive women are already here.

My husband left me last August. Iike the poster upthread, I had been very sick and had just come through a nervous breakdown after being told that my condition was terminal. It actually turned out that that was not the case and my health is now much improved, but too late - my husband had made plans with our housemate and best friend, so when they discovered the relationship that they had planned for after my death was not happening anytime soon, he just moved out anyway. Again, like the OP, he was saying he loved me one day ana gone the next.

I have done everything wrong. I cried and begged him - just for answers if not for him to return - so as a result he has refused to see me. Still, to this day, I have been texting him everyday saying how much I love him, how much I miss him, asking if he could just give me another try now I have recovered from the breakdown, etc etc. He doesn't reply to any of them.

Until last week, when he texted to say that I have 'pushed him' into Having to tell me by text that I should be receiving a letter from his solicitor within the next few weeks, and anything that we want to discuss can be discussed in mediation.

Again, I did everything wrong. I called his mobile repeatedly - although he didn't answer - crying and begging for more time and explanations. I know he is living with our best friend and posting happy family pictures on Facebook, whilst I weep all through the night. Still.

Is it because I keep breaking all the rules? Is that why I have progressed so little? All I can think about is wonderful memories and a stolen future. I don't know how to move on or let go, and like the OP, I am in a financially unstable position being reliant on benefits because of my illness.

I know j need to stop contacting him. Today marks the day i go NC -he never replies and it is clearly just angering him. But I am so scared of the post now and that letter that says he wants to draw a permanent line under our marriage (9 years, relationship of 17). I still love him, really I do, and j don't know how I can sign a document to say that it is over?

I don't know why I am posting and I certainly don't want to derail the OP's thread. I am sorry so many women are suffering so horribly. It is truly heart-breaking.

[AntiqueSinger]

Oxcat so sorry for the pain you're feeling. I would like you to get input from other wise posters, so it may be better to cut and paste elements of your response and start your own thread as this one is likely to disappear quickly.

The thing is there is no set time on when the pain from a breakup should end. Everyone is different. You are not unusual in taking years to get over it fully. If the relationship was a major part of your life for a long time (and 17 years is definitely long in a short lifetime). You could reasonably expect a number of years to pass before you feel you can say it no longer hurts.

Also it is harder if you didn't perceive there to be significant problems before the breakup, it will be more of a shock, and the risk is that you end up idealising the relationship. Whereas if you'd had a lot of arguments etc you would at least understsnd why it ended and not hang on to nostalgic views of the two of you together, which maybe aren't entirely grounded in reality.

The fact the scumbag actually left you for your so called best friend - what an absolute bitch by the way - would also make it harder.

The thing is you have been so caught up in the hurt you're feeling and maintaining contact you have actually asked yourself, what you would do with him if he came back?

What if he dropped the OW and returned to you? Do you really think things would be great again? How would you trust him? Once you got him back, do you think your heartbreak would possibly turn into a very deep resentment at what he did?

There is option where you can get the man you once loved back, because he really didn't fully exist the way you envisioned him. He has betrayed you in the worst way possible at the most difficult time in your life. He is lacking in character and basic decency and has no sense of propriety. A part of you should despise him, but that can only happen with space and distance.

Because you have been pleading with him to stay, maintaining contact, it still feels like everything happened yesterday. As you say it is time to go no contact. What is the house like? I suggest a place to start is by completely redecorating. Pack up any photos, cards and letters from the relationship and store them somewhere you can't get them. Remove all gifts, jewelry, household stuff from him if you haven't these things already.

How is your friendship circle? Start working on widening it or if you have one, deepening it.

You have to make small steps to improve your own life. You were told you were going to die. Now you have better health please don't waste anymore of it on this horrid man. There are better things in store for you.

Regarding the awful letter. I guess you don't know when it's going to come, but plan something for when it does. Plan to phone a friend, plan to go swimming, anything. You are allowed a good cry of course, but tell yourself that this is just the end of a chapter, not the end of everything.

Sorry if this response seems a bit abrupt, I'll come back late, but right now I'm busy revising. Actually I endorse a university course for anyone going through heartbreak. You get a new friendship circle and the essays keep you too busy to care about much. I'm old and starting my life from scratch. You can too, you really can. One day at a time. It starts when you stop contacting him. x

[oxcat1]

Thank you so much for your comments, Antique. I would start my own thread as I am worried that I am derailing the OP, but I am also concerned as most of what I have done wrong is so obvious. I read on here a million times not to beg, etc, but still found myself doing it as I can't get past the fundamental point that I love him and miss him.

For 17 years (half my life pretty much) he was always at my side and everything I have ever done has been done with him too. Every good memory has him in it, every good holiday was with him, etc etc. I just want to talk to that man and tell him the stuff we always used to talk about, to share what's happened etc etc, but I have found that that man is no longer there anymore. Try as I might - and I sure as hell have - I can't get through to him go find that man I love anymore. I kept thinking that there was something else that I hadn't said that might, perhaps, be the thing that opened his eyes to me again, but it seems that is not true.

I have been NC since I first posted, although if is so hard. I am in total admiration of the OP for being strong enough to do it from the start. I am sure that would have been better but I was too weak.

[AntiqueSinger]

Everything you are feeling, and everything you have done to try and 'get him back to his senses'. Is completely rational under the circumstances. You have lost your best friend and lover. So as well as going no contact, you need to stop beating yourself up for 'not doing things the right way' because actually, you've somehow still got to where you need to be now, which is realising and starting to accept that he isn't going to change his mind, he isn't going through a phase: he is never coming back.

And that feels like a death, only in some ways worse, because you know he is actually alive, but just as untouchable and unreachable as if he were dead. And so naturally you are grieving. Grieving. And have been for nearly a year. This is natural, because you truly loved this man. And you love him still. Which is again normal. Bad news: You most certainly will probably always love him, even though he treated you so badly. True love never dies: its like energy; it cannot be created or destroyed, it can only convert to something else like hate or derision or scorn. That's why marriages often end so badly!

BUT the intensity of it can fade or lessen to the point that you no longer are hurt by it and can manage to move on with your life and achieve a measure of objectivity. The only way of achieving this is, as you say, going NC with the object of your affection. No calls, no texts, no letters, no hanging around places you may bump into them etc etc.

There are a load of chemical reactions in our bodies and brains involved when we love someone. When we think of them we get a surge in serotonin and good endorphins. That's why those memories of you together on holiday, birthdays, evenings out cause such longing. You go to a place you went together and it brings back a sense of pleasure and then loss when you remember that's it gone. You have to be analytical and start dealing with these feelings by deceiving your brain. The way to do it is by overriding these memories with new ones. Our brain loves stimulus and novel experiences. Go to the places you used to go together on your own or with a friend. It will kill you the first time but the more you go, the less it will hurt. Override those 'together feelings' with new emotions and memories.

Partly what you're feeling is the loss of your identity as you+1=2. For 17 years you haven't just been you. You've been you+1=2. Now a part of your identity has vanished and you feel lost and alone and empty. Suddenly it's just you.

In our society being on your own is really not looked upon well, but it is very important to do things on your own. I don't just mean with friends. Ask yourself, how long ago was it that you dined out on your own? Went cinema on your own? Went to a play, or an exhibition or museum on your own? When you have made such a large part of your identity dependent on someone else, of course it makes it harder to recover from the loss. So when you feel stronger try doing one or two of those things from the list, and you will do two things: 1. Strengthen your sense of self and come to a greater realisation of your own likes and dislikes and strengths (because in a relationship you always compromise). 2. Open yourself up to new and good opportunities, other loves even, when you're ready. Gradually you'll come to see that there are some upsides to being single, to not having to share, to getting to know yourself again.

You really are a lovely person with a big heart, or you wouldn't care about your ex this much. In addition to going no contact, if you make small steps to move forward from this relationship, good things will come. Read all the posts in this thread again anytime you feel yourself weakening and reaching for the phone. I also recommend the Samaritans; they will listen to you repeating yourself as often as you like and I promise you they have heard it all before.

Don't be surprised or frustrated if you find it still hurts months from now. Or you find yourself suddenly crying out of the blue. It is entirely natural, and as I said everyone is different. Tell yourself: I'm having a bad day, but I lost someone important in my life, so that's natural, I know I'll feel better one day'. Then do something to distract your mind. Any form of voluntary work is also great because you mix with like-minded people and concentrate on other people's problems.

Your ex will sorely regret what he has thrown away, maybe years from now, but by then you won't care. Because you will have learned to value yourself so much more than he ever did. Take your life back from him! Good things (and better friends, and potential husbands) are around the corner. But you cannot wait for them to come to you. You have to make a step towards it, and then the rest will follow. This is one of the most difficult things you will ever do but you can achieve it. You really will. It hurts like hell but one day you'll realise it hurts less. It really will.