end of 11 year relationship

[chloe2727]

how do i go on...how do i get through this intense pain that im feeling..how do i stop crying, come to terms and accept the fact that he has left me after 11 years. I adored this guy, loved him beyond reason...and for what...for him to take my dreams and crush them..11 years living together and in the blink of an eye he walks out the door and my heart is breaking knowing i will never be with him again...i sound so full of self pity at the moment, but i truly have never felt this much despair...im a 45 year old woman for crying out loud...i should be able to do this but i cant...i have no one to talk to..no one to help ease the pain i am going through

Another one here who's going through it - am into the third week NC with XP after 16 years. As pp have said, one day at a time - the first two weeks were hell but I have noticed that the tears are getting slightly less each day since. Thinking of you x

Was sleep any better last night?

managed a few hours sleep on the sofa again last night...must of fell asleep where i was sat..laptop still in front of me!

today feels like its going to be a tough day..feel all hot and shaky with a lump in my throat..cant stop crying...doing everything on auto pilot...cant face the thought of eating...thankful for hot overly sweet coffee..

wish i knew why i feel like this...i bought my children up alone until i met my (now) ex partner...so i was once a strong person..and i know shes still in me somewhere..just wish she would come out!

taking it one minute at a time...five minutes gone just typing this...so thats five minutes i dont ever have to do again...right??

i love each and everyone of you for your support xxx

Something I did (which might be impractical for you, but, hey)...I changed the bedroom around. So I didn't have to face the 'last time' scenario...('last time I woke up here he was with me, last time I hung my clothes up here, he was downstairs', etc). Moved the furniture, threw some stuff out, bought new bedding. Couldn't afford new furniture or anything, but I painted the walls a different colour (actually three different colours, from paint hanging around in the garage), hung some pictures from elsewhere in the house, tried to make it as different as possible to the room we'd shared.

It made it less 'our' room and more 'mine'.

Hang in there. I wish I'd had Mumsnet to hold my hand when my man left...

How did your day go OP? Did you get through it O.K?

went for a long walk to try and clear my head...every step felt like i was wading through water..nothing seems real at the moment...like theres a fog around me...does that make sense???

have had to really fight the urge to contact him today...he hasnt been in touch with me..so theres no point right ???

i know its still very early days and i know i wont feel better any time soon...its just so so sad..im so so sad

thankyou for asking how i am..i truly do appreciate all your support xxxx

Chloe, so sorry you are going through this, I broke up after 4 years in Jan and can well remember how raw and painful it was. I really feel for you.
What I would say is try and keep busy.If those cupboards need a spring clean,or the spare bedroom needs redecorating now us the time to do it! Exercise. Have a big clear out. Move the furniture round. Accept that you need to grieve, and that it's ok to cry, I spent weeks dripping tears( and snot!) onto my keyboard at work!
Talk to friends, or us here. Write your feelings down. Ring the Samaritans if you need to vent, they are a nonjudgemental, listening ear, you don't have to be suicidal.
If there are certain days or times that are hard (for me it was Sundays),consider voluntary work. It's a win win as you are keeping busy and helping others..result. Also meeting new people and maybe learning new skills.
It really does get easier as time passes.4 months down the line I am in a much better head space. Not ready for dating yet, but I have noticed interest from other guys, and that is encouraging in itself, a little confidence boost.
You will get through this , just be kind to yourself. Hugs and good luck x

Hi Chloe as you say that strong woman is in there. She will find her way to the surface. I agree about keeping busy. Re decorate, buy new bed covers for a fresh start, paint, garden, join meet up groups. Visit friends and family. I was left after 13yrs with two young dcs. It's hard. Really hard. But I believe you are made of tough stuff.

day four is almost over..i made it through..never seen my eyes so puffy..can barely see out of them!

so desperately wanted to contact him tonight..came on here and re read all your messages of support..which helped

am currently going crazy...talking to him as though hes here..making cups of tea for him..omg im grieving like hes died..is that the way to cope ??

11 years is such a long time...he was my world..and now my world has come crashing down..so many what ifs going through my mind..i know deep down thats not healthy but right now im not thinking straight...i sincerely apologise for all my self pitying waffle...especially when i know there are women a million times worse off than me

dont have any other support apart from here..my grown up children have issues of their own and i know they know im hurting but they dont know how to deal with it..no friends as such...he was my friend..felt that was all i ever needed..so no close friends i can turn to...apart from all of you on here who keep me going through the toughest time of my life...

Right go book shop or go Amazon and buy 'Feel the fear and do it anyway.' Great book. Chapter on relationships is interesting. I recommend it along with any book on getting through a breakup. Type those words in Amazon and there are loads of books to choose from and helpful comments in the review sections from those going through similar to you.

Great suggestion upthread on redecorating your room. Doing small things takes you in little pigeon steps forward and helps you 'fake it before you make it'

Do ANYTHING that makes you feel better (obviously within reason) Shop, buy new wardrobe, go swimming, run out your anger in the park, throw all his stuff out the window, dye your hair blue. Binge watch netflix. WHATEVER it takes to alleviate the agony for a few hours. Those hours will eventually become days. And those days weeks.

DO NOT PHONE HIM. I repeat. DO NOT CONTACT YOUR EX. It is deadly. You will go right back to square one. I know its tempting as hell. I know if someone offered you two suitcases and said you could either have the one with a million quid in it, or the one with a big shiny red phone with your ex on hold on the other end, you'd choose the one with the phone right now. But it is poison. Avoid the phone. Put it away somewhere hard to get to if you're too tempted, or post here quick, but I repeat one more time: DO NOT CONTACT HIM. You'll end up crying and asking why and then begging for answers or asking him back. So don't do it. You are not yet strong enough.

I suggest you book yourself some relaxing massage sessions maybe next week. As many as you can afford. Choose a male masseuse. It is soothing to feel another man's hands on you and helps break that 'last person touched me' state.

Hope you get some decent zzzs tonight. Hot chocolate or horlicks maybe?

When I was lonely at night, I used to go to sleep listening to LBC radio. It really helped to hear other people talking IFSWIM even if some of it was crap.

See you in the morning. Don't contact your ex!

Sleep any? Do you feel up to anything today?

How are you today Chloe? You are still going strong, even if it absolutely does not feel like it! So much good advice and lovely support on here that there's not much I can add. But I do recall that when I was going through a devastating break up years ago I started to write feelings down - it exorcised them amidst all the chaos in my head and useless attempts to get on with the day to day stuff. And it gave me some small perspective. Every day is a victory and forgive me for sounding 'all knowing' but I think this experience will ultimately lead you to a place where you will have friends and new relationships and a life that's much richer. Just hang in there X

i didnt contact him...dont know how i resisted the urge...but i did it...deep down i think i knew there wouldnt be any point...if he wanted me he would of been in touch right ??

am just getting through the day as best i can..hiding from the outside world..dont want to face anybody...know i couldnt 'fake it' just yet.

sooner or later i know i am going to have to 'pull myself together'...just wish this pain would go...its actually a physical pain..but pain killers dont get rid of it :(

hate how people around me are getting on with their lives...while mine has just crumbled before me...i know this is all part of the healing process and i know it will take a long time...i just dont know if i can do it... im scared...scared of being alone, being without him, scared of the immense pain i know i have to go through..scared of facing a future knowing hes not in it, i thought my life was planned out...now i just dont know what the future holds...will i ever get over him ???

im so sorry for the miserable rant again xxx

You are grieving. In some ways it would be easier if he were dead, wouldn't it? Everyone would understand, everyone would allow you the time to get over him. As it is, you have to do it all yourself without any real sympathy (except ours here). Don't contact him. I'd say delete his number too, but you might not feel ready for that yet. You're not going to hear anything from him that will help you, I can almost guarantee he would be cold and distant even if you did speak to him, that he couldn't wait to get you off the line, and that hurts almost as much as the original rejection.

You'll want to go over and over and over 'what happened'. As others have said, write it down, talk to anyone who will listen. It helps your brain get it straight and come to an understanding that it's over.

One day you will feel better. Honestly. Not tomorrow, but one day. And then you will take pleasure in things again. These feelings pass, but they hurt like hell while they are going on.

Yes you will get over him. You really will.
Millions of people have been right where you are now and millions of them have moved on and made new lives for themselves.
Thousands are currently going through similar to you right now!

It's crap. I'm not gonna sugar coat it.
It will take time. You won't see a way out right now you just won't.
No amount of pills can numb the pain for a broken heart.
There is no light at the end of that tunnel.... YET!!!
But there will be, that much we can all promise you.
Just take it one day at a time for now.

You won't get this little saying for a while but it's good to keep in mind:-
I can choose to let it:-
Define me,
Confine me,
Refine me,
Outshine me or…
I can choose to move on and
Leave it behind me

you are right..it would be easier if he had died..people would understand my pain then...but he hasnt...and they dont...apart from all of you on here...you listen..you advise...you help...and i thank you all from the bottom of my shattered heart!

im going to go for a long walk...clear my head...still cant think straight..need to pull myself together to be able to sort out my financial mess!

keep thinking he will walk through the door any minute...but thats not going to happen...maybe if i knew what made him leave i could cope..but then again maybe its better i never know...

what hurts me the most is that he helped raise my children..they all have children of their own now...little ones who only ever knew him as grandad...and now hes gone..not only from my life..but from theirs too

That's another horrible dimension of it. Hopefully who knows he may re-establish a relationship with the grand children in the future when things have settled. The balls entirely in his court on that one. Right now though, your concern should be primarily focused on yourself.

Well done for going out for a walk

walked for miles..dont know how i ended up back home!

bought some sleeping tablets...need to sleep, hopefully they will work..

everywhere i look in the house, theres something to remind me of him..11 years worth of him...except his toothbrush and clothes..thats gone :(

took off my engagement ring today..havent removed it in 10 years...somehow it felt wrong wearing it :(

still fighting the urge to contact him...but I AM fighting it...coming on here helps xxxx

Chloe, well done on the huge walk. I think that's a sign you are starting to recover, and flushing out all that turbulent energy might help you get a decent night's sleep.

Lots of good advice from beautiful Mumsnetters upthread about how to deal with the horrible here and now. May I add a couple more, based on what has worked for me? I split from my H of 11 years (together for 16) and tho it was I who initiated the divorce it was still horrible in so many ways. The lack of understanding from people IRL was the worst of it, I think.

1. You say your finances are in a mess. Mine were, too. Put on your favourite upbeat music, or news radio, whatever will best keep you company during this process, and get down and do it. You will feel so relieved once you are on top of this and, dare I say, stronger and ready to move on. I hadn't done my tax returns in, wait for it, 16 years. But while playing funky disco music to my heart's content, I sorted that mess out and recovered more than A$10,000 in overpaid taxes from the Australian Tax Office. Your finances may well be of a different nature, but you could be pleasantly surprised to find yourself in a better position.

1. Run. Just run. Kathrine Switzer (first woman to run the Boston Marathon, and she got arrested for doing so -- fancy a vagina thinking it could run 42km!) says running is the best cure for heartbreak. She said in an interview with the Sydney Morning Herald (and I am paraphrasing from memory) that she told her abandoned and heartbroken niece: "Run. You'll run your way out of the misery and despair, and you'll get fit too. So many people turn to drink, which makes it worse. Run, and while running you will sort out your problems and find your way into a new life." I tried this myself, and it really works. It put the fight back into me. And I got back into my clothes!

Meanwhile, we are here for you, so vent all you like.

I hope you managed some sleep.
I fear though that you didn't.
Over the counter sleeping pills aren't the best.
If you are suffering and need that help then please go to your GP.
I ended up with sleeping pills, just to get my body clock back in check.

I also used to walk for miles and sob and scream into the night sky.
I well up now thinking about it.
Get your emotions out. Cry when you need to. Sob and yell when you need to.

Just take today, one hour at a time.
Try to keep busy.
for you

Sleep with talk radio on (I used Radio 4). When you wake in the night (sleeping pills were worse than useless for me, I'd fall into a dead sleep and then wake three hours later unable to sleep again - might be better for you though) you can listen to someone talking. It worked to stop my brain from going over and over and over what had happened; listening to people in Guatamala talking about local elections* helped keep my brain occupied. Also broadens your horizons and ups your general knowledge levels!

*Caveat - I can't remember whether it actually was Guatamala or local elections, but it was people's voices letting me know I wasn't totally alone in those dead hours of the night.

the sleeping pills didnt work..didnt really think they would :(
finally fell asleep on the sofa about 3am..managed to get a couple hours sleep..hoping it will catch up with me soon and i will sleep for days!!

keep thinking he will get in touch...with me or the kids..but dont think he will...he always was very good at switching off..always been able to move on from things without a backwards glance...guess thats what hes doing now..

wish i could just switch of...think women are programmed differently...have to pretend to be strong..but am just totally falling apart..why does the end of a relationship have such an effect on you..

It's basically your life over.
Not quite that dramatic but you know what I mean?
You found the love of your life.
Set up home with him.
Had a vision of what your future would be.
Spent 11 years loving him.
Thought he would be there with your forever.
But he's not.
He's just gone.
It's hard to come to terms with.
Your life as you know it and had it planned is now over.
But... it doesn't mean it can't be good again.
But grieve first and then think about your new life and your new future.
It will improve, I promise..... just not yet!

I'm glad you got a bit of sleep. It's amazing how our bodies carry on functioning but they do. The adrenalin is probably still coursing through your veins.
But they won't go on forever.
Keep eating and drinking.

How was your day Chloe? Hope not too much crying? Just let it all out, each tear brings you closer to healing. Hope you managed to eat something and you get some rest tonight. If you're finding it hard to mentally shut off, try the suggestions from PP on keeping the radio on. Also if you have a Smart TV, you can set it to turn itself off after a set number of hours.

Also I found sleeping on the sofa as opposed to the bed helped in the early days, felt less scary and less 'unfilled space' to remind you of whose missing.

sleep tight x