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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've been unceremoniously dumped, help me get over it

83 replies

Kbfdhnb · 17/04/2016 10:04

There is an arrow in my side & it fucking hurts. My bf of 6 months has dumped me. There were no arguments, indeed we were planning a mini-break - his idea. Now I have to somehow get over it & put him behind me. I'm in a lot of pain he made me feel incredible and now I'm cut out of his life. How do I get through the pain? I have no family but I do have friends although I don't want to share this with them.

OP posts:
pictish · 18/04/2016 10:23

I think he broke up with her quite decently. He was clear, concise and expressed empathy.
The only thing was, he could have run the stuff over to her porch or whatever and dropped it off, rather than expecting her to do the walk of shame. That's a bit weird.
The well wishing text was pleasant enough. He sounds genuine.

People are allowed to break up with people. He made a decision and stuck to it. Six months in it's ok to call a halt this way. It's not for him and he doesn't want to continue. That's acceptable.

OP I am so sorry you are feeling it. Do cry. Cry it out and wallow a bit. Big hugs. Have a hanky. xxxx

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 10:26

Look, I'm entitled to my opinion even if you don't agree with it. I am not 'hurt' I'm fine thank you.

My experience has been that there are certain men who have a particular profile which usually includes being amazing in bed and then disappearing off the face of the earth. They disappear because they want to leave an open loop.

Even if you're to cowardly to dump in person, the least anyone could do is to text 'it's over'

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 10:29

Pictish - did you read the other thread? What actually happened was that he stopped responding to the OPs texts and calls and ignored her for a week and didn't answer the door. She was worried something bad happened. He only actually said something in the end because he saw OP was at his neighbours house.

Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 10:31

Ditto re: the opinion. Relationships end. It's rubbish. We think that if it's ended in a 'nice' way its better. It isn't. Its as bad if not worse. It leaves more questions. ie if someone cares enough to tell me nicely and consider my feelings, why are they simultaneously hurting me ? Nope. Breaking up is hard but its not an immediate reflection on someone's mental capacity, just because we don't understand/agree doesn't mean they are a wrong un.

Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 10:33

I'm glad you're ok by the way Smile OP will be too.

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 10:34

So you think it's ok to leave someone dangling, wondering whether they've been dumped or that something bad happened? Ok.

There is no nice way to dump someone. But having the decency to actually tell them is the norm.

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 10:37

And actually I haven't been in the same situation as the op but I've known people who behave like this.

HazelBite · 18/04/2016 10:39

When I read the OP's thread I thought from the circumstances she described that there was someone else on the horizon. If so OP you are well out of it.
I know exactly how you are feeling, after an unhappy and brief marriage I thought I had met the love of my life, we were so happy,so passionate, it was all great then out of the blue he "couldn't" see me any more, I was devastated and heartbroken, 7 months later I met the man I have been married to for 30+ years.
It will get better,
Promise Flowers

Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 10:42

It's rubbish. Agreed. But it's not sociopathic. What is that saying - if you feel avoided by someone, never disturb them again. Very very hard to swallow buy true , true, true. I learnt the hard way, as we all do I guess. I'm not having a go lottie I just think it's not worth overthinking or making accusations at the guy...he did what he did, badly but then he sent a nice message once the heat was off as it were,,so clearly he had some sort of a conscience. It's done. OP needs to look forward.

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 10:47

Well, I didn't say he was a sociopath but showing a complete disregard for someone's feelings is sociopathic when it would have been quite easy for him to send a text ''it's over' instead of ghosting the OP. He only contacted her in the end because he was forced or worried his neighbours would find out what he's really like I suspect.

There are a lot of men who behave this way - they are not all sociopaths but they certainly are losers.

DixieNormas · 18/04/2016 14:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Kbfdhnb · 18/04/2016 14:11

Got a permanent fecking headache Sad I'm already at my paracetamol limit for this 24hrs and I've started on the ibuprofen, it's not working though. I made myself go on a long walk round a quiet park. I'm exhausted. Still can't eat but I'm constantly thirsty. Grief is like a proper illness isn't it?

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 18/04/2016 14:38

Yes it is, OP, it is like a proper illness. It's debilitating.

Do you have a RL friend who can sit with you later??

Hissy · 18/04/2016 15:57

Did you know love that the brain can't tell the difference between physical pain and emotional pain?

NotGonnaAnswerThePhone · 18/04/2016 16:38

Oh OP I have been in your position so many many times, and each time I think the world is ending and I'll never find love again.

"but he was definitely meant for me, I am never gonna find that love again".

Truth is, the only thing that heal heartache is time and you just have to plod through it. Best thing to do is spend time with your mates and try to laugh about it, pick out all the bad things. It really is all you can do but you will find lve again. This just wasnt meant to be.

I will of course, have to remember my own advice if I get dumped again but easier said than done eh?

Just have a good cry and my top tip? EAT. You will be surprised how better you feel

CheersMedea · 18/04/2016 19:03

Hissy

Did you know love that the brain can't tell the difference between physical pain and emotional pain?

I didn't know that. Is this true? Without wanting to sound like an academic . . .what's your source for that? Genuinely interested.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 18/04/2016 19:10

You'll be ok OP, although it doesn't seem like it now. I got dumped right before a planned holiday, by a man I had been with a year. He floated marriage and all that, I felt completely secure, until BAM.
I gave myself 6 months to grieve, and then went crazy dating...I'm now with the most fantastic guy...soooo much better for me than the last one. .And I don't even feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. This is so right, I can see all the ways the last guy (who I thought I was in love with) was wrong for me.
Give yourself a few months, then dust yourself off, chest out, head up, and go again. It will be worth it.

CommonBurdock · 18/04/2016 19:18

Hi OP, hope you're feeling better today. If it's any consolation I just got dumped three days ago after four months. By text. Last week he was declaring undying love.

Perhaps they are related? Anyway complete twats the pair of them that don't have the bollocks they were born with.

Hissy · 18/04/2016 20:15

Medea I read it somewhere, Business Insider or something like that

Quick Google seems to back it up

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/body-sense/201204/emotional-and-physical-pain-activate-similar-brain-regions

www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/220427.php

Fascinating eh? Makes sense though!

TutanKaDashian · 18/04/2016 20:26

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I once had a BF who just ran out on me in the middle of the night. We had DTD three times, gone to sleep, then I woke up and he'd gone Shock Never to be seen again. We'd been going out for three months prior to that and no hint that this was about to happen. So cowardly.

You're better off without him.

Original poster
Kbfdhnb · 18/04/2016 20:47

Wow Tutan that's terrible.

I managed to eat some toast tonight so that's good. I'm bloody exhausted though. I just wish it didn't feel so fucking painful. It might as well be a real flesh wound, it feels the same. I have accepted that's it. I know him well, he'll never call me again. We're neither of us on social media. I fully appreciate he feels I'm not right for him. So why do I feel so fucking shit?

OP posts:
lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 20:59

Nobody likes being dumped but the way he has done it is cruel and therefore you're left feeling even worse.

My advice would be to try to distract yourself - anything. Also don't drink alcohol - you will feel worse. I hope you feel better soon. How old is he btw?

TheoriginalLEM · 18/04/2016 21:00

Its not very nice being rejected, it makes you question why you weren't good enough. That is one of the reasons why you feel bad and its ok to wallow in feeling bad for a while, but hopefully you will soon feel angry and think that he has done you a favour! That HE isn't right for you and you will now be free to meet someone who IS right for you, it might not be the next man you meet, but he's out there somewhere. You thought it was this man, it wasn't - thats gotta hurt but its better than being stuck with the wrong person and someone so cowardly to just go no contact out of the blue. You are worth so much more than that.

looking forward to the weekend - can you arrange a night out with some friends? or something just for yourself?

Original poster
Kbfdhnb · 18/04/2016 21:16

He's in his 50s lottie. Never married, never had kids. Very soft, gentle, loving and affectionate, I couldn't believe my luck.

As for the weekend. I know meeting friends would be a good idea but I have no-one free to meet. Where I live everyone does 'family time' at weekends. I'll have to give it some thought.

OP posts:
ILikeUranus · 18/04/2016 21:25

Lots of water intake is actually from food, so if you're barely eating, you need to make sure you're drinking a lot of extra water to make up for that (or juice/tea/whatever). Dehydration can make you feel sick and give you a horrible headache - like having a hangover without the night out. Look after yourself. x