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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've been unceremoniously dumped, help me get over it

83 replies

Kbfdhnb · 17/04/2016 10:04

There is an arrow in my side & it fucking hurts. My bf of 6 months has dumped me. There were no arguments, indeed we were planning a mini-break - his idea. Now I have to somehow get over it & put him behind me. I'm in a lot of pain he made me feel incredible and now I'm cut out of his life. How do I get through the pain? I have no family but I do have friends although I don't want to share this with them.

OP posts:

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 18/04/2016 07:57

It's not stupid at all. It's panic and anxiety. What really worked got me was walking very fast on long walks. Just putting my coat on and walking with no destination and coming back when I was tired. It really does help. Can't recommend it enough. Even though you will feel like hiding - get your coat on and fast walk it off. I used talk to myself as if I was giving advice to some one else (weird but stopped me from suffocating in panic)

You will be ok op

SorrelForbes · 18/04/2016 07:58

I went through an identical 'dumping' about 4 years ago. Completely loved up (reciprocated, or so he gave the impression) and then he went away for the weekend (to see the girl he later married) and didn't bother getting in tough again. I had to demand a meeting in the end and like you had to go round for my stuff (which in hindsight was probably more embarrassing for his house mates than for me).

The pain was immense, I've never felt anything like it and I won't lie, the next few months were bloody miserable. However, things did get better and they will for you too. There's some really good advice on this thread so try and read and follow if you can. I wish I'd followed advice from my friends at the time, I probably would have got over him more quickly.

SorrelForbes · 18/04/2016 07:59

*Aggghh, 14 years ago! DH would not be impressed if it was 4!

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 08:20

I can't believe he wouldn't see you - he sounds really awful. I know it's no consolation at the moment but it's better this happened now than some time down the line when you might have been living with him.

I know better than anyone that you can really want someone even though they're an arsehole. It's true you do get over them though but no contact in any way is the only way really. Time really does heal - it's a cliche but absolutely true.

DixieNormas · 18/04/2016 08:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shakey15000 · 18/04/2016 08:32

Hold your head up high lovely. And delete all numbers, fb etc. So that come the day when/if he texts you can respond with a "sorry, who is this?"

KittyKrap · 18/04/2016 08:45

That is NOT a walk of shame.
It's a walk of 'thank fuck for a lucky escape'.
Although you won't feel like that now. Stock up on comfort food and look after yourself.

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 09:12

Yes, block him because I'll bet you anything he'll come crawling back at some point.

Original poster

Kbfdhnb · 18/04/2016 09:22

What makes you think he'll come crawling back lottie ?

OP posts:

Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 09:33

It's 6 months, so you need to rationalise once the shock wears off. MN advocates going NC with exes all the time..this is just really what he's done with you after wishing you well, don't be tempted to demonise him just because he ended it , he had every right to.do so. Its no reflection on you, it's timing and circumstance as it always is. Dust yourself down and move on in your head and your body will follow, I promise. He won't come 'crawling' back so don't harbour false hope and if he does you will have moved yourself on by then.

Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 09:39

If it's any consolation OP, I was dumped with a note through the front door after 4 YEARS , and he has not spoken a word to me since its like I disappeared of the face of the earth to him. That wrecked but 6 weeks later I went on Tinder for an ego boost, met my awesome other half and we are silly amounts of happy and well suited. I never give my ex a second thought.

KittyKrap · 18/04/2016 09:40

Please don't hold onto any chance of him coming back. You need to concentrate on you. Read this if you can, we've all been there!

breakuprecoveryguide.com/

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 09:41

Because men who behave this way always do. They treat everyone the same. A normal, well adjusted person will finish a relationship properly and talk to you about it. The ones who just suddenly go weird on you out of the blue and hope you won't notice they've disappeared seem to have this strange reset button where one day they'll be back, expecting you to act like nothing happened.

Don't give him the opportunity! I may be wrong but that's my personal experience of men. Ask yourself how old he is and how many LT relationships he has. Does he have any children etc? These kinds of things are clues as to what kind of person he is.

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 09:43

Slowdecrease - I'm sorry but I don't agree with you. Anyone has the right to end a relationship but to just disappear and hide from the OP? Pathetic - and shows absolutely no respect whatsoever. You can end it and then go NC, but to leave someone wondering what the hell happened? No - shitty behaviour.

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 09:48

I had to finish with someone recently (less than 6 months) and I told him straight. There is no way I would have just ignored him and hoped he worked it out by himself.

joeywife · 18/04/2016 09:53

lottielou that is so true!! I had a similar experience back in my dating years. Met a guy that I feel head over heels for - he promised me the earth, I was convinced he was 'The One' etc etc. He just disappeared one day. Never heard anything from him apart from a text saying 'see you soon'. I was absolutely heartbroken - the worst I have ever felt after a break-up.
A couple of years later I bumped into him. He acted like nothing bad had ever happened and we started seeing each other again (how dumb was I??!!). Anyway, of course he did the same thing again. This time I didn't bother to get upset as I realised what a complete dickhead he was.
This was all about 15 years ago - I'm now a happily married mother. I'm not connected with this guy on FB, but I occasionally see things through mutual acquaintances, and from what I can gather, he changes girlfriend about once a year, has had a couple of kids with different women, and is clearly still completely unable to hold down a relationship.
Unfortunately OP there are many men like that out there, so you are very well rid of him. Him dumping you now allows you to meet someone who will be so much better.

Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 09:55

I think 'men like these' take the cues from women who give an impression that they are waiting on them or expecting (or hoping) that they will come crawling back..in short you're right to suggest blocking as it's totally the woman's responsibility to close the door tight on it. 6 months is really very much the start of a relationship isn't it, that you had the good grace to finish it officially in person or whatever reflects well on you, as does him texting a nice final message to be fair. Things end. Not always nicely but that's how it goes sometimes. I was livid when I got dumped by letterbox ! I felt like the most unimportant person that ever lived, but it was me making me feel that way, my feelings are my responsibility, completely.

ILikeUranus · 18/04/2016 10:05

What a patronising git! Sending some pep talk text to you after making you collect your belongings from the porch. The guy has no balls shame. He needs to grow up and get his head out his arse. Don't worry OP, once you've been cold turkey from him for a bit you'll look back and be embarrassed for him at how he's behaved.

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 10:07

Anyone who thinks its ok to pick people up and drop them with no explanation has major issues. Normal people treat everyone, including strangers with respect. The OP was left wondering whether something bad had happened to this man. Having the decency to tell someone they're dumped is not a matter of 'good grace' it's the sort of thing that distinguishes normal people from sociopaths.

Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 10:10

Either way, he did what he did, sticking him in a pigeonhole won't sort it now. So back to OP , it hurts, you'll be ok, better six months than longer. You're now free to meet the one who wants to keep hold of you and make you the centre of his world, this guy wasn't it.

hellsbellsmelons · 18/04/2016 10:12

I'm not surprised to see that there were probably 3 of your in the relationship.
You've had a crap time of it.
I'm assuming that you've been in some bad relationships which you modelled from your upbringing (huge guesses here)
If so then please do get in contact with Womens Aid and enrol on their Freedom Programme. It will really help you.
Sorry, this is shite.
If you can't keep solids down then you can just do what I did, drink sugary tea and have ice lollies. I managed to keep those down and you might.
Soup could work too.
You will get there.
Fake it 'til you make it!

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 10:12

'I think 'men like these' take the cues from women who give an impression that they are waiting on them or expecting (or hoping) that they will come crawling back..'

That does sound like victim blaming - according to you it's the woman's behaviour that makes the man behaves like this in return. No - it's not. It's the fact that hes got issues.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 18/04/2016 10:14

They don't always come crawling back (not wanting to give op false hope) some do some don't and it's not always a happy outcome if they do.

Focus on moving forward now op

He sounds like s patronising twat.

lottielou7 · 18/04/2016 10:16

Oh I didn't say that to give the OP hope - I said it as a warning (I've been there myself). I sincerely hope she doesn't ever take him back because it won't end well. He's probably stuck in a cycle of behaviour.

Slowdecrease · 18/04/2016 10:18

Not everyone who wants to end a relationship has issues lottie even people who handle ending a relationship badly don't necessarily have issues either. Its a dangeeous precedent to suggest if someone doesn't want a relationship for whatever reason and goes about the break up the wrong way they are potential sociopaths. Really? Come on now. I know you've been hurt but really, that kind of talk helps nobody. In fact it does more harm than good.

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