Relationship 'green lights' anyone?

[wol1968]

I was just wondering, for those of you in happy relationships - and especially those who've been through dysfunctional or abusive relationships and are now happily settled - we talk a lot about 'red flags' on this board. But what about the opposite? Were there any moments when you realised that, yes, this was different to all the rest, and he really was a good 'un instead of a manipulating charmer? And what incident made you know you were all right to go ahead?

2under2 my DH and I absolutely try to make each other happy and put each other top (after the kids) of the priority list. Almost a decade together, 2 kids and five years of marriage hasn't changed that. How we do this has changed, the demonstrations of affection have altered, but we still do them.

We still talk about our lives and what we've done when apart. We share our lives together, both give, both take, and both provide support. That's not gloating, it's just what a relationship can be, and we work to maintain ours all the time. It's not hard work at all!

Grendel

That's a pretty cool analogy

Kindness
Pulls their weight
Helpful with people
Good with kids
Happy to change a nappy
Treats service staff eg waiters respectfully
Not moody or moans a lot
Doesn't get into rucks
Listens but doesn't indulge

Someone who rolls up his sleeves without being asked.

My sister's ex was a useless man-child so she divorced him and was a single mum for a few years. Started to see someone else and she said that that she realised that she really loved and respected him when he'd come over to her place straight from work and she'd watch him walking up the front path, rolling his sleeves up as he walked. When she asked him what he was doing rolling his sleeves up, he said "Let's both get the jobs out of the way and then we can sit down with a cup of tea together."

She'd been waiting a long time for a man to roll up his sleeves. Been together for 15 years now. She still watches him getting back from work and rolling up his sleeves up as he walks up the path.

Kennington

Doesn't get into rucks

So you mean a girly back then??

For me it was:

• the effort he had put into seeing his son in a different country for the previous seven years, the effort and expense he had put into making his son's mother feel able to cope (paying for her uni, buying them a house, etc.), the good relationship he had maintained with his ex since then
• his determination to hold down a very difficult but highly paid job throughout those years just so he could facilitate their happiness (he was the one to leave)
• the fact he did not leave to go to anyone else and had not rushed into any relationships after
• the fact he really took his time with me - we dated for three months before making any rash decisions - and wanted it to be right before he became a fixture in my and my ds's lives
• the fact he is never lazy or selfish

I've been with DH for over 20 years, so it's hard to remember exactly the green flags from back then, but it still warms the cockles that he's so nice to my mum, gives her a kiss if she's here when he comes home from work etc.

Having wet wipes by the bed.

My husband started learning to drive before we got together so when he asked me out he could drive me out on dates (he had a motorbike before we got together).
He's generally a keeper in every single way but that was my very first sign that he was a real keeper 💕

Ah, there are some heartwarming posts so far

I definitely second those who say that their DH/DP is a best friend.
Mine is non-judgmental towards me and others, he respects me to the core, he loves me warts and all and makes me feel like the most attractive woman on earth, even when I would normally feel like shit.
He tells me he loves me, every day, the way he looks at me is proof of that.
He can't wait to grow old with me.
It's a cliche', but beauty really is only skin deep and if your partner for life loves you from within, even when the outside beauty may have faded a little, then that makes them a keeper.

He's taking my name when we get married, he did all the housework when I was pregnant and had bad sickness and spd without complaint or being asked. He's kind to everyone and dealt with a recent tragedy in a very dignified way that made me proud. He puts up with my shit with good grace and I can tolerate his bullshit on occasion too (he's not Jesus!)

2under2,
Agree with a lot of what you said-there's no such thing as the 'perfect' man but there's what's perfect to you. My dh can be a grumpy miserable bad tempered arse at times but he's perfect for me for the little things he's said or done-before we were married and had kids he would arrive home with a bunch of my favourite flowers, he doesn't do it now and hasn't for a long time (think he needs reminding of this😃) but instead he pays 3/4 of our bills so I only have to work part time to care for our dd. He covered all our bills during my maternity leave and never once complained. He also gets up at 6:30am to care for dd for 9hrs whilst I'm at work before he goes off to do a 12hr night shift. And yes there is some of the mushy stuff as well like he makes me feel safe he cares (stayed with me in hospital when dd was born 24/4 sleeping on a mattress on the floor) and has seen me st my worst after a csection, passing out in hospital room, giving me post csection injections and dressing my weepy wound. Would I swap him-never xx

He doesn't often buy me flowers but he always scrapes the frost off my car.
He doesn't always tell me I'm gorgeous when I'm glammed up, but when we're snuggled up in front of the telly, he says I look cute in my very geeky glasses.
He's hosed me down and dried me off when I've had D and V at both ends.
He's let me use our hard earned family money to help out my hopeless sister, without a murmur of objection.
He always tells the kids how clever and amazing I am.
If we argue he is always the first one to try to make it up, (usually after about 5 minutes).

Well I honestly can't think of any, maybe that's why we're about to get divorced

It seems there are loveley men out there after all and you are lucky ladies

He's a grumpy selfish twat but he's my grumpy selfish twat
He can also be the worst husband and my best friend , his temper is a nightmare which DD1 inherited and he farts lots but he will be the first to lay down his life for any child, animals break his heart and he would protect me against the world. There's your green light I wouldn't change a thing
except the farts I'd change that

Someone who looks after their family and friends, not because they feel they have to, but because it actually matters to them.

Someone you can talk with, not just talk to (or have "intersecting monologues" with).

Someone who still thinks you're sexy first thing in the morning when you're wearing an oversized Snoopy t-shirt, have bird's nest hair and morning-after breath. (I still can't understand this, yet apparently he does...)

He changed my maternity towel several times after a crash section. I was still in shock and had an epidural headache. He's a miserable git, but that just showed me what he was really made of. I luffs him!

I literally woke up one morning and realised I was not anxious, I was not uptight, I was not worried, I did not have to think should I call him, I did not have to prep what I said or did or looked like and I was totally restfully content.

It was v unusual so I kept him despite his messy messy MESSY ways

Aww I've never been in a relationship like these, you lucky lucky ladies

Kindness to others, even when there is nothing in it for him, is a big one. He'll help elderly people carry shopping or women with prams up stairs or off trains.

He is so supportive, which must be hard as I am a really anxious person who is always waiting to fail at whatever I'm doing. When I do achieve something , he's always so so proud. Even if it's something small like going for a run in the morning, or big like getting a new job.

He's hard working, not a type to call in sick with a cold person. Not a drama Queen.

He's sensible with money.

There was no game playing at the beginning, at all. Just a genuine easy start where we both knew we liked each other and wanted to spend time together. There was no playing hard to get. No sly put-downs to make me feel insecure and grateful for scraps like previous relationships.

I genuinely think the world of him. He's just a good 'un.

But he doesn't clean the loo well enough and he eats too many sweets. He also finishes packets of food/boxes of cereal etc and then puts them back in the cupboard instead of the bin. So he's not 100% perfect.

In general, judge anyone by what they do rather than what they say.

On my way to our second date, some wanker insulted me (he said I'd be giving it away next as I walked past him). I used to be quite a sensitive soul due to previously abusive relationships so it really played on my mind and I ended up crying shortly after meeting up with my partner (then just a date). His eyes watered because he hated seeing me so upset and he gave me a 5 minute long cuddle.

the green flags for me were:-

• he made me laugh a lot.
• he was interesting.
• I fancied the pants off him (due to both above and he was cute).
• he was a good father to his son and had fought his ex for years for regular contact with him.
• he want sexist.
• he was always completely honest with me.

-he loved my family and got on with them and has always been good with them.

When I argued with him and it felt like arguing with my sister. He was completely infuriating me but I felt perfectly safe and secure. Was weird.