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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Relationship 'green lights' anyone?

79 replies

wol1968 · 13/04/2016 17:07

I was just wondering, for those of you in happy relationships - and especially those who've been through dysfunctional or abusive relationships and are now happily settled - we talk a lot about 'red flags' on this board. But what about the opposite? Were there any moments when you realised that, yes, this was different to all the rest, and he really was a good 'un instead of a manipulating charmer? And what incident made you know you were all right to go ahead?

OP posts:

Rarotonga · 13/04/2016 23:31

I think the biggest thing was the lack of mind games on my DH's part. I used to worry with previous men about who sent the last text, what things that they said meant, the fact they'd go quiet on me for a few days etc. But with my now DH he just wanted to talk to me, spend time with me and he didn't have to play any games, I didn't have to interpret his behaviour, it was just easy. This was polar opposite to my relationships before him. It made me realise that the previous men had just not been that into me.

Sunshine511 · 13/04/2016 23:36

Just as none of us are perfect, I would never have expected a perfect man to exist. What makes my husband perfect for me is that he is kind and loving. He has his faults as we all do and always tries to better himself, which I think is an important quality to have.

He also loves me, in my purest, most unattractive form. He's seen me at my most vulnerable and weakest points and has always been a massive support in helping me through. After a complicated labour with DC1, he helped me in and out of the bath, when my body looked battered and bruised and with my baby belly and everything else, he looked at me with nothing but love and pride in his eyes. It's the person on the inside he loves and, for me, that's the biggest green flag there is.

crossparsley · 14/04/2016 00:58

Treats everyone else with respect. The same respect - age, sex, race, status, whatever. When he's being negative about an individual, says something that recognises they are a person with their own life and motivations/worries - even if the conclusion is that X is deeply awful. Can mention exes if it's relevant without it turning into comparisons or hinges/rants.

lovelycuppateas · 14/04/2016 07:25

Good idea for a thread!
I was in a very difficult / emotionally abusive relationship with my exh, and my current partner (of almost 4 years now) continually surprises me because is he is consistently kind and considerate - I didn't think such men existed! So here are a few green flags

Being there for you, without question, whenever you need someone, from crisis situations to running to the shop for milk.
Being able to talk calmly about even difficult things, and listening to your point of view.
Getting on well with his own family, and never talking badly about. yours.
Doing a fair share of the housework without needing to be asked.
Obviously loving you - and I don't mean grand romantic gestures here, but just wanting to spend time with you, and clearly enjoying your company.

He also has a proper job, is reliable, kind to my kids and my friends love him!

Original poster

wol1968 · 14/04/2016 12:26

Thanks everyone - keep them coming.

I'd say the biggest green light for me was the way it all felt so natural, like I didn't have to 'work' at the relationship or worry about what he thought. My DH is the only person (apart from my DCs) that I've ever been able to have an argument with and resolve it and let it blow over without guilt.

OP posts:

WingsofNylon · 14/04/2016 13:01

I agree with everyone saying general kindness and having decent friendships. Last night I got a very big green flag. Something had been bothering me for about a week now but as we have been staying with friends we haven't had much time alone for me to feel comfortable mentioning it, it was also about something I find very hard to talk about anyway. So later last night (around 4am) I am awake worrying and I look over at dp who is generally a heavy sleeper who doesn't stir easily (especially after an evening of drinking which we both had done) I decide to test out telling him while he sleeps to get it off my chest and perhaps be able to talk to him properly in the morning. I whisper 'I'm feeling sad', dp sits bolt up right then takes me into his arms and says 'well let's talk about it'. Definitely a good sign!

LoucheLady · 14/04/2016 17:11

When his ex left she dumped her dog, that he never wanted, on him too. He took it on and still lavishes care and attention on it, ten years later.

LilaTheTiger · 14/04/2016 17:16

He walked straight past the weathespoons without hesitating when we were looking for a restaurant.

Seemed genuine - I don't know why!

Never minded me being busy, and was occasionally busy himself.

He made everything slightly nicer and more fun.

magratsflyawayhair · 14/04/2016 17:34

When my dad was first diagnosed as seriously poorly I tried to talk to my ex who was current at the time and he just hissed in my face "at least you have a dad" and wakes off leaving me really upset, some and 120 miles from my father.

A couple of years later and my dad was hospitalised with his illness. Ex was long gone and my now DH was my boyfriend. I called him at work to say what'd happened and that I needed to head to my hometown. Without my asking he told his boss he needed some last minute holiday and came with me. He was so supportive.

He's always just cared about me. Taken an interest in my world. He makes an effort to make our joint life together easier. There are no games and even when we disagree there's no name calling or sulking.

Somerville · 14/04/2016 17:37

walked straight past the weathespoons without hesitating I love that as a green flag. That's going on the list of choosing-a-nice-man advice for my daughters, LilatheTiger

And seeing your name reminds me, Lila; a man whose prepared to take things slow for a while with no pressure. Chaste dating, as you put it on another thread.

Titsywoo · 14/04/2016 17:41

Things that dh does that are green light worthy are - doing everything he can to make me happy, complimenting me every day, never swearing at me or insulting me if we argue, accepting me as I am, being on my side.

DropYourSword · 14/04/2016 17:45

Not quite sure if these are along the right lines but my two are;

~ believing that the real them is revealed much more by what they do rather than what they say
~ being able to 'fight fairly'. I don't think it's realistic to expect that you'll never argue in relationships, and I argue more with DH than I ever did with other partners. But, we stick to the topic. We don't insult and name call, or get personal. We can walk away and come back to it when we've calmed down a little.

Nothavingfunrightnow · 14/04/2016 18:32

I've met someone recently who seems to have loads of green flags. Last night we went out for dinner and I was telling him a story about something that happened at work which had concerned me. I was taken aback when I realised he really and truly was listening to what I was telling him!

I like him and feel safe and comfortable with him. Wish me luck...

PaperdollCartoon · 14/04/2016 19:37

How good he's always been with my nephew (who was born about a month into our relationship) my sister was a young mum and I had nephew for overnights a fair bit, he was always eager to help and treated him as family. Actually how is he is with all of my family, who I'm close with and would rather hang out with than friends. I also get in really well with his family. Such a change from ex's.

How reasonable he is when I'm a twat (I am very unreasonable!)

He says what he means, and does what he says he's going to do (most of the time) It's a revelation!

2under2aagh · 14/04/2016 20:07

Honestly I don't quite believe some of these answers

Doing everything he can to make me happy?

Can't imagine anyone having the energy to keep that up after kids and a mortgage and a good few years of living together!

This all sounds like the stuff men do before you actually live together! When they are still trying to impress you and you haven't seen the warts and all grumpy side yet

Just sounds like the usual mn bullshit.. my life is better than yours etc

The honest answers I appreciate! The people pretending to have found the rare specimen of the perfect man... Don't believe it! Sorry

Sunshine511 · 14/04/2016 21:29

2under2, a lot of what you have said there, I agree with. I don't think 'the perfect man' exists and in my previous post, I said my husband is perfect for me. What I mean by that is, warts and all. He loves me whole heartedly and I love him the same. Doesn't mean to say things are always amazing. We have our ups and downs and we always pull together when we need to most. I think you're bang on when you talk about acceptance and appreciation. I think that's a great recipe for a healthy relationship.

Czerny88 · 14/04/2016 22:05

Being reliable, both in terms of fulfilling promises and being trustworthy and honest.

LilaTheTiger · 14/04/2016 23:23

Somerville Hello smasher

Yy to taking it slowly, or at a mutually satisfying pace. I guess it's about respect and kindness.

I remembered another thing. I was offered an opportunity that was fabulous for me, but meant me working right through the summer and nixing any chance of a holiday. I was a bit nervous about saying I wanted it... I got a big hug and a "you can't possibly not, you're amazing", and he meant it!

Imbroglio · 14/04/2016 23:44

People have to be a good 'fit' with key shared values and some shared interests but also allow and encourage each other to grow and have their own space.

Compassion and kindness, also important to recognise and take their responsibilities seriously.

FredaMayor · 14/04/2016 23:51

2under2, I don't think anyone here has answered dishonestly, or is gloating. Good relationships are like the positive posters have described and IMO the point in describing them is to talk about what it possible. During the times that I was in a lousy relationship in the past I could have done with reading about other people's experiences like these.

WallyBantersJunkBox · 15/04/2016 08:22

The way he respects and cares for his parents and siblings, and maintains his family relationships. The gentle and respectful way he carries himself

He is completely transparent. Never hides his phone, bank account anything. I never thought I would trust again and this is the biggest contributor for me to a strong relationship.

I feel on the whole that he is respectful to me.

He does sulk a bit and of course we argue, but we always apologise, reach some middle ground and move on. Never stonewalls or stops communicating completely.

He is generous and shares everything.

His DC and my DC come first in his thoughts before his own interests.

He always worries that I might not have orgasmed enough. And always gives pleasure before thinking about his own needs. Afterwards he always asks if I am ok and happy.

He's not perfect, but he'll do for me.

blindsider · 15/04/2016 08:28

I looked at DW on our third date over the table at the restaurant and thought she is without doubt the girl for me. We were engaged 7 days later!!

metimeisforwimps · 15/04/2016 08:37

I think at the early stage where they are on best behaviour with you it's how they act with, and talk about, other people that is a giveaway. I met dh when he was at work and a green flag was that although he was in a superior position he helped a lot with the more menial tasks, tea making, cleaning etc.

GrendelsMother23 · 15/04/2016 09:40

My DP is a friend of a friend, but we first "met" on Twitter. It all went very well, my friend knew him and confirmed that he was a) real and b) not a twat, and I made plans to see him (in a town about an hour from where I lived) about ten days after we started talking. He made sure to tell me that there was a futon in his sitting room if I wanted it. I had thought things were going rather better than that, and replied, "I don't think I'm going to want it. ...Am I meant to?" He wrote back, "No, but you don't want a life jacket either - but it's nice to know the boat has one." That was when it first really clicked that he was a good'un.

magratsflyawayhair · 15/04/2016 10:52

2under2 my DH and I absolutely try to make each other happy and put each other top (after the kids) of the priority list. Almost a decade together, 2 kids and five years of marriage hasn't changed that. How we do this has changed, the demonstrations of affection have altered, but we still do them.

We still talk about our lives and what we've done when apart. We share our lives together, both give, both take, and both provide support. That's not gloating, it's just what a relationship can be, and we work to maintain ours all the time. It's not hard work at all!

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