MIL's subtle invasive behaviour

[dollytrix]

I have posted previously about MIL around 2 years ago. She was being overtly intrusive and critical about my parenting choices and DD was born, to the point I felt completely claustrophobic and burating with fury.
DH took the brunt, but has slowly come to terms with putting MIL in her place when required. She has improved and has been helpful lately, but I can see discreet behaviours beginning to creep in again.
Firstly, whenever I speak to, play with, sing to or chastise DD infront of her, she will speak or sing over me loudly to divert her attention back to her. I feel very conscious when she's around as she adds her opinion constantly at my choices of food to give her, the temp of her bedroom etc. But all very subtle comments like "I'm so cold in this room that I think I will have to go home."
DH had nipped to take the rubbish out and she waited until he had gone until she said anything, I told DH when he left and we both agreed the room wasn't cold at all.

A couple of weeks ago, I told MIL what I planned on buying DD for her 3rd birthday and low and behold, a week later she had the same thing sitting in her front room waiting for her arrival. Her defence was that it was second hand and a 'bargain' so surely she could have one at their house too.

Although she hasn't yet undermined my parenting when I chastise DD, I'm waiting for it. And to be honest I think I'll blow my top. She's currently having tantrums and we are having to regularly chastise her. I refrain from telling her off infront of MIL as I expect a comeback, but why shouldn't I? I'm on pins in her company. If we go on a family day trip and I make a decision she never disagrees but will push and push an opposite decision until DH tells her to back off. By that point I'm usually furious and snap at her too.

I am finding it increasingly difficult in her company, but her behaviours are very subtle so there's not a lot I can do. She also gets very giggly and smug like when she winds people up, so speaking seriously to her would not work in my favour.

DH and DBL are planning a surprise family outing for her birthday and I really don't want to go. Stuck with her for an entire day. I'll be on pins and it's exhausting. DH says that MILS behaviour is completely unintended "she's just a bit self centred not malicious, never call her malicious" He says.

I think she is malicious, in a smug-like, childish sort of way.

Thoughts? And ways to cope? DH and I don't have the best relationship at present so we could really do without the pressure from MIL right now.

I think backing off for a bit is probably a good plan. Remember that his mother's behaviour, which you correctly identify as ridiculous and unreasonable, has been his 'normal' for a very long time. He has been conditioned to put his mother's needs first at all costs and to believe that she can never be wrong. Starting to realise how messed up that is can be really scary and upsetting. It took me years to accept that my parents' behaviour (both narcs) was abusive. DP's quiet period may mean that he's starting to give thought to her behaviour in a way that he hasn't before..
Very wise move blocking her on social media.

So it's been over a week now. Still heard nothing from PILs. DH's 'quiet' treatment continues.... speaking to me kindly but seems very reserved. I've asked him if he's ok, he tells me he is and that he's not angry with me, but there has been little affection all week and DH seems very sad indeed. I've found myself trying to make him smile, doing the odd little thing to cheer him up. Nothing.
I think he wants to do right and stand by me, but he feels completely uncomfortable with the whole thing (wild guess).
I'm beginning to lose patience now and I'm feeling guilty as this is so out of character for him. I feel like he's having to force himself to kiss me back when I kiss him goodnight. I know it's hard for him, but deep down I'm pretty sure he blames me. How long is long enough to be dealing with him in this kind of mood? It's difficult not to start feeling like the bad guy...

I had a very similar situation to yours a few years ago. My MIL (who has since died) was a control freak narcissist and it took me years of unhappiness to work out how to deal with her. Her only two modes of behaviour were passive-aggressive bullying and self pity.

I ended up going to see a therapist who said MIL was incapable of adult-adult relationships, she could only operate on an adult-child basis - she preferred being the adult, eg telling you your room is too cold, but if you really stood up to her she would revert to being the child, eg stamping her foot and crying and behaving like a two-year-old having a tantrum. This analysis helped me to understand the situation - well, not really understand it, but accept it.

Basically you can't change her, and your only option is to establish boundaries and limit your contact with her as much as you can. You have more options, and maybe more problems, in the relationship with your dh which is what you really have to work on.

You have done well to stand up to her. Good luck.

MIL has been in touch with DH and wants to talk. He's going over to their house tonight, I'm not going as advised on this thread. I'm hoping that DH is going to tell them what is/isn't acceptable but I also know he mired in FOG he is and worry that he's going to end up coming home to me asking me to compromise after being led astray by DMS manipulation tactics.

I've explained to DH how prepared he needs to be for this meeting, how he needs to deny any form of compromise, how he needs to be on my side. I'm sure he'll set out this way, but not sure he'll come home in the same frame of mind.

she sounds like a bully. Bullies like to cry croco tears when they get caught too. maybe you and dh shd read the Toxic book together and go for counselling . Def do not go to the 'family meeting- that wd be in law family meeting.

I've read both Toxic parents and Inlaws, DH says he doesn't 'need to read any of that stuff.' I can't force him to read it or want to see anything any differently.

Hope your dh managed to stand up to his mother or (whatever one would help more lol)

dollytrix, I really feel for both of you. Is there any way that DH would agree to not going over for this 'meeting' tonight? I know that you have opted out of it, and that's a very sensible decision, but this will just be an opportunity for them to put the thumbscrews on him, ramp up the guilt and tell him how absolutely devastated his mother is by everything that's gone on blahblahblah. This will be so tough for him. Arranging to go around to 'talk' suggests that there will be a reasonable conversation between adults, but it doesn't sound like his mother is capable of that.

It sounds like the reality of how awful his mothers behaviour is might just be beginning to dawn on him. I can't emphasise enough how painful this stage is. When you have a mother like his, you are never really allowed to grow up emotionally, so realising how toxic their behaviour is feels like being forcibly separated from your parent when you're a child. It really hurts, not necessarily in a conscious way, but its very painful and frightening. He can get there, and will get there, but it will take time.

'Toxic Parents' is a really interesting book and I hope you got something out of reading it but you're right, it doesn't sound like he's ready to go there yet

They are going to ambush him and rubbish you to him.

They can apologise on the phone. Why is he being summoned?

I kinda disagree with a lot of people on this thread. There is more than one way to skin a goose and I would be asking myself whether the argument with my MIL was worth losing my husband over. Maybe it is if the relationship is on the rocks any way.

Given his change of attitude I would want to know what has been said, I would absolutely be there. Although I would prepare a few stock answers "I'm just here today out of respect to DH and just to listen" "I don't agree with you but out of respect to DH I'm not going to argue with you" and "I cant do that but I'm not prepared to argue with you out of respect for DH" . And be prepared walk out if you are at risk of loosing your cool "I'm afraid my presence here is achieving nothing". But at least you'll know what your Husband and by definition you is dealing with.

he has been taught that to deal with someone who is not doing what they're told, you need to withdraw affection/attention until they click back into their place.

That's why he's backed off from you.

You both could do with some talking therapy here, to learn to be more of a team. You both clearly love each other, just need better ways of expressing and manifesting it.

I can pretty much promise you your DH won't be sticking up for you. Best case scenario he is trying to smooth things over. Worst case scenario he is trying to apologise for you on your behalf. But you won't know unless you are there

From experience, "family meetings" like this rarely go well, mainly because the toxic person doesn't, can't and won't accept criticism or responsibility. Sounds like you and DH need to give them a wide berth for a bit whilst you two get your relationship in order. Good luck, these things are really hard.

Good luck with tonight and agree with hissy he's reacting as to how he's seen it work for his DM, if things don't go your way punish by withdrawal of love and affection. Stay strong for you and DD.

I feel very sorry for you but I also feel for your DH. He must be so torn, as he'll know your MIL has been dramatically wailing to anyone who will listen about how awful she's been treated and how much of a victim she is. When someone you love is that convinced that they are the victim it's hard to detach enough to realise that they're not at all.

How did it go?

Oh, Dolly. I hope everything was okay and that you didn't get dragged along. They've been doing this to your DH for years, he'll just have to support your decision and ajust accordingly. It's a shame he won't read the books, but don't try and bend over backwards for him, he'll come round.