MIL's subtle invasive behaviour

[dollytrix]

I have posted previously about MIL around 2 years ago. She was being overtly intrusive and critical about my parenting choices and DD was born, to the point I felt completely claustrophobic and burating with fury.
DH took the brunt, but has slowly come to terms with putting MIL in her place when required. She has improved and has been helpful lately, but I can see discreet behaviours beginning to creep in again.
Firstly, whenever I speak to, play with, sing to or chastise DD infront of her, she will speak or sing over me loudly to divert her attention back to her. I feel very conscious when she's around as she adds her opinion constantly at my choices of food to give her, the temp of her bedroom etc. But all very subtle comments like "I'm so cold in this room that I think I will have to go home."
DH had nipped to take the rubbish out and she waited until he had gone until she said anything, I told DH when he left and we both agreed the room wasn't cold at all.

A couple of weeks ago, I told MIL what I planned on buying DD for her 3rd birthday and low and behold, a week later she had the same thing sitting in her front room waiting for her arrival. Her defence was that it was second hand and a 'bargain' so surely she could have one at their house too.

Although she hasn't yet undermined my parenting when I chastise DD, I'm waiting for it. And to be honest I think I'll blow my top. She's currently having tantrums and we are having to regularly chastise her. I refrain from telling her off infront of MIL as I expect a comeback, but why shouldn't I? I'm on pins in her company. If we go on a family day trip and I make a decision she never disagrees but will push and push an opposite decision until DH tells her to back off. By that point I'm usually furious and snap at her too.

I am finding it increasingly difficult in her company, but her behaviours are very subtle so there's not a lot I can do. She also gets very giggly and smug like when she winds people up, so speaking seriously to her would not work in my favour.

DH and DBL are planning a surprise family outing for her birthday and I really don't want to go. Stuck with her for an entire day. I'll be on pins and it's exhausting. DH says that MILS behaviour is completely unintended "she's just a bit self centred not malicious, never call her malicious" He says.

I think she is malicious, in a smug-like, childish sort of way.

Thoughts? And ways to cope? DH and I don't have the best relationship at present so we could really do without the pressure from MIL right now.

Dippy: so does your DP still see MIL without you there?

I feel reluctant to allow MIL to see DD without me around as I feel she will be getting what she wants: me out of the way.

Let things cool a while. No to the family meeting.

I tend to go to around half of DP's visits to the in-laws and stay home for the other half. It is good for DP to have his own relationship with his parents without me sticking my oar in.

DP also visits my lot about 50% of the times that I visit. Any big milestone birthdays or anniversaries then we would both attend if we possibly can.

Can you do something like that? Your DD can go with your DH occasionally and stay home with you some of the time too. She's 3 now and will be starting to have parties/friends/hobbies that mean she won't always be able to go along to see PILs every time anyway. Use this as an opportunity to change the dynamic of the visits.

We moved, despite loving where we lived, to be closer to my family and further away from IL's. This means we saw them less frequently anyway because they could no longer "pop round" but it all came to a head with MiL shouting, crying and waddling off into the restaurant toilets to have a sulk.

I totally understand about not wanting them near your DC. I struggled with that. Then thought as they grow up they'll see how she behaves in contrast to my lovely, slightly batty, DM and my wonderful DSM. They'll know what she's like. I won't be a baddy and selfishly can enjoy a couple of hours to have a hot cuppa and read a book. Maybe even a bubble bath if I'm feeling wild.

Funnily enough, as I said before, DP notices her behaviour more now than ever and pulls her up on it. She is never alone with the boys (3yrs and 1yr) as it's only ever them all together. Otherwise I wouldn't allow her near my sons and in the beginning DP didn't take DS2 as he was BF until about 9months? I can't even remember now.

Your MIL is about as subtle frankly as one hundredweight of prunes. It may well be the case too that she has some sort of personality disorder; emotionally healthy people generally speaking do not behave like she has done.

A flat NO to any family meeting; why for goodness sake did your DH suggest that?. A family meeting will have him sit silently whilst his parents gang up on you and in turn him as their son. They do not want to hear your opinions; it is their way or no way as far as they are concerned. It is a clear indication to me that he is well deep in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) with regards to his parents.

Women like his mother always but always need a willing enabler to help them, that is one of the roles your FIL is playing out here. Such weak men as well need someone like his wife to idolise.

The best thing you can personally do yourself for you and your DD is to actually have no contact between yourself and his parents.

Re an earlier comment of yours:-

"Going NC I feel is a bit drastic as I do want my DD to have a relationship with them as she has her good points"

What good points does your MIL have exactly?. This is a huge error not simply because your DD will grow up seeing her mother treated consistently like crap by her nan. What messages does that send her?. That you put up with family no matter how rubbish they are.

You would also not have tolerated one ounce of this behaviour from a friend, family are no different. There comes a point when you think to yourself that yes I do matter and self preservation kicks in. You need to protect your child from such malign influences like his parents because the damage done will be done right in front of your very eyes.

The idea of the family meeting is for us to lay down our boundaries etc and for DH to explain that the sort of disrespect MIL has shown is unacceptable them leave it to her to decide whether to comply with us.
I agreed at first and was grateful to him for the support, but now thinking what's the point? I don't really want to give her another chance. I don't have to, do I?

And yes, the way she sat there through the meal laughing, smiling at DD across the table, as she blanked me (her own mother) sat next to her was a bitter pill to swallow. She even asked FIL to ask me to pass her the salt. It's was horrendous.

You have indeed answered your own question here re this family meeting i.e. what is the point?.

No you do not have to give your MIL yet another chance; she has not fundamentally altered since you first started writing about her 2 years ago. You also do not have to see people, even relatives, that make you so unhappy.
You would not have put up with any of this from a friend either, MIL is no different.

Thanks for the help. I think I've come to a decision. DH and I may end up separating over this so I need to be prepared for that possibility, but you're right. Things havent changed in 2 years so why would they now. The thought of going NC feels quite liberating and almost exciting even, so I guess I have my answer...

Another vote for no family meeting.

If your husband wants to create boundaries (a good thing) then next time his mum wants to see you all (well him and your daughter) he says 'No, you were really rude to my wife last time we were all together and I expect you to apologise. Then we can think about when we next meet up'.

Absolutely NO to family meeting. You rightly say she will play the victim - such people always do. Someone else (anyone else!) is always to blame.

Don't think of it as psychological warfare - think of dealing with this problem in terms of setting down your boundaries and drawing your line in the sand and being crystal clear with yourself, your DH and your ILs what you will and will not tolerate. Be crystal clear in your behaviour and your actions and reactions - no point having a conversation or discussion or meeting about it. She will deliberately misunderstand, play the victim, become tearful and generally try to manipulate everything to make out that you are the bad DIL!

I would also go as LC with her as possible. She may dote on her grandchild but is really a positive influence in their life? And as others have said - do whatever it takes not to be alone with her.

Congratulations OP on making your decision. It's hard to begin with but explain to your DH exactly how you feel. You have tried so hard and she will never change. Something has to give. You're not stopping him from seeing her. But you don't want to. Also, in regards to my arrangement the IL's don't come to our home anymore.

I'm wondering if we should all write a book. Survivors of the Monster in Laws.

You're best not having a meetin of any sorts.

You informed your boundary, asked her to zip it with the snide remarks and she's sulking.

Let her sulk.

Do not reward sulking with any attempt to reconcile. It's just giving her the attention.

If you dismiss her sulking, she will see it has no effect.

If the subject is raised, merely state that there has been far too much commenting, putting down, undermining and general sniping, you're drawing a line and it stops now. If they want to have a normal relationship, then all they have to do is be normal, if that's too much for them you're happy to invest your time in others who will treat you and your family with a bit of common reapect. All delivered very calmly and matter of fact. Let them be the hysterical ones... Maintain your cool and dignity.

All will continue as normal with MIL'S usual sniping and commenting, Hissy, rather than them saying anything about it. MIL will just charge in with heightened ignorance and disdain towards me rather than mention what happened. This is why I'd rather just draw the line now and not have to see her.

I've told DH that I've decided I dont want a discussion of any sort with PILS. He has gone very quiet and asked me why I won't even try as I pressure him into talking so much when there's a problem. I explained that I love him and care about our relationship, but I don't love MIL or have to keep a relationship with her when she disrespects me!

DH is now being very subdued and I can see he's annoyed by my decision. I've told him that should he not support me or try to understand my decision then he needs to leave.

Good on you Dolly. She's a fucking nightmare.

YES Dolly the ball is now in DH's court. Maybe if he carries on sulking he can go and see his Mummy and Daddy now? Afterall, you're not stopping him from seeing them.

In all seriousness. He may have liked having you as a buffer when you were all together. The women folk could gossip whilst the men folk talk about sheds and tobacco and old spice. I'm probably projecting massively. Ignore me runs away

I've asked him to go and pack his bags but he's sitting around sulking instead. Im perhaps being unreasonable but I've just had enough of all this crap. I don't need any of it anymore. I'm refusing to try with any of them now, they can all either take my deal or all go and live together in dysfunctional bliss.

Sometimes when a subtle steamroller like your MIL comes along, all you can do in the end is claim your own ground and not let yoruself be manoevered and bullied any more.

I hope this works out for you dolly and that your husband can make the (very difficult) decision to support you and protect your daughter from his mother.

Wishing you the best and that somehow, she comes to her senses and treats you with a modicum of respect.

Dolly - You're Standing your ground. He may be surprised and sulky for a bit but he'll have to get used to it.

Best of luck, sweetheart! Let us know how it goes ?

I know you have run away dippy, but I think you are right.

He's sulking because his buffer has said no more and he will have to begin to deal with her,. It's easier to piss you off than upset mummy kins.

That being said though, he is probably deep in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) and it can take time to retract from it.

I'm glad you've found your back bone and put your foot down - DH will no doubt be thinking about moving back to parents or weekend access etc and realising which side his bread is buttered!!

Let him sulk for a bit -

She asked you fil to ask you to pass the salt? In front of your daughter!

That is how children behave.

Your dh was ok with this? He didn't say something to her then?

It is not just about respecting you, but teaching your dd about how you relate to people. And how you respect those in your life.

Let him sulk. His mother taught him how tondo that well

Just reading your update. Wow. Just wow.

Your DH is feeling a bit put out that you "won't even try" but what exactly was he doing when this was all happening? Did he not notice, ignore or just not know what to think until you told him?

I know you're getting shit from inlaws and am sorry for that, but I am feeling pretty sorry too for your "regularly chastised" two year old You use that word three times in your OP, she's tiny fgs.

When I initially told MIL I wasn't "in the mood for criticism today" He immediately met my side and asked if I was ok straight afterwards infront of her. It was after he said this that she stormed off with FIL in tow.
DH asked me if I was still ok to meet for lunch and I said that I was because as far as I was concerned I'd dealt with the matter and she just reacted emotionally in response to that.
DH was also ignored by MIL at the meal and both him and FIL were trying hard to make it comfortable for all of us. I feel that it's not the first time he's been met with silent treatment of this kind by MIL when something doesn't go her way.
When we got home DH was very quiet but said that he felt as sorry for MIL as he did for me! I was livid, by morning he had begun to see sense and told me "mum acted like a dick".
DH says he will be talking to her asap about her behaviour.

Sometimes you have to let the penny drop. Well done. Hold your position