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Original poster

85% of the way through ending a relationship, another chance or just go for ending it? So very confused

73 replies

Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 09:19

DP and I have been having a lot or arguments lately, I started a thread a while back about how I felt unappreciated.

He seems to think everything is OK, its all just little issues and its because I haven't talked to him enough. I feel like I tried to talk in the past and was brushed off and now that he is worried about losing me he's suddenly listening.

We have no DC so no worries there.

I've been unhappy probably around 8 months, but then we've had a stressful 8 months with a house move and refurbishment works.

We had a row Thursday evening and he has gone to think about things and is back tomorrow. On the whole I have been happier with him gone, but a long time back we were happy (I think, lots of people say I was but others think I just settled).

I don't know whether to give the relationship another shot or just cut my losses. What if he could change and things could be OK? What if we could go back to being happy? What if we stay together and things just get worse? What if I waste more time with him?

How do you ever know what is the right thing to do? In RL most people are saying no just end it, but a few have said you could give it a go.

How do I make such a big life changing decision??

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 11/04/2016 09:43

I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice, but one thing I read on here was that someone knew her relationship was over when she stopped caring about it. Indifference I think.

Plashley · 11/04/2016 09:50

Speaking from my own personal experience, the time to leave is when you've turned over every single stone looking for answers. You'll be absolutely sure it's the right thing to do because you've examined/tried every option. With me I had masses of counselling both together & alone, I read books, watched videos, used The Gottman Institute, talked to everyone and vented on MN a lot. Only after all that was I absolutely sure I had no doubts.

Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 09:50

I want it all to be OK, because that would be the easier option

But I don't think its possible.

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 11/04/2016 09:56

The problem is when you want someone to change. You can only change yourself. You should never ask someone else to, to suit you. If they don't make you happy most of the time just the way they are then they are the wrong one for you. If you stick at it, that's your mistake but nobody should have to change who they are.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2016 10:08

because that would be the easier option
Easier, YES. Better, NOPE!
You aren't happy. You are now happier with him out of the house.
That speaks volumes.
Imagine 'settling' for what you have now. Things stay the same.
Imagine things getting worse. Your resentment towards him building.
Imagine life without him. What do you achieve? Who do you meet?
Where does your life go? Exciting eh!?
You get one go at this life.
Live it the best way you can, not the easiest. That's just a massive cop-out!

Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 10:12

Thank you! That's the kind of thing I need to hear.

Its scary still, the idea of maybe not finding anyone more suited to me. I mean even in the beginning I was hesitant as we seemed so very different but then it was a good relationship for a while.

I am scared of being alone and being alone forever. I know that shouldn't happen but its still a bloody scary thought

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2016 10:26

But he's not in the house and you are alone and you are happier than actually being with someone!
Surely that's all you need to know.
I enjoyed being single for a while. It's great. No-one to consider etc...
You just do what ever you want.
Watch what ever crap TV you want. Eat what you want and when you want.
Go the gym. Go to a class. Am dram etc....
It's great - trust me!

Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 10:30

Only because the tension is gone

For some reason he thought everything was OK and never saw this coming.

We used to be happy I think, I don't know whether its worth trying to get back to that or is it too late.

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 11/04/2016 10:35

You need to think about what both of you would need in order for the relationship to work. If it's relationship dynamics, then those can be changed. Not easily, but if both of you are committed, it can be done. However, if you want him to change (or if he wants you to change), then you're probably barking up the wrong tree.

It sounds like your biggest worry is being alone, but staying in a relationship just because you want to avoid that isn't fair - on you or your partner. Unless there are very good reasons, neither of you should settle for that.

hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2016 10:37

We used to be happy I think
Why do you only THINK this?
Did you feel really happy?
Was it torture when you weren't seeing him for the evening?
Did your stomach do somersaults when ever you saw him?
Was the sex absolutely mind blowing?

If so, when did all this stop?
Can you pin point it to anything specific?
Do you want to get back to where you were before?
If so you could try some counselling together and see what you both think of where it all went wrong.
But... sometimes, relationships just run their course.
And then it's time to move on and find the next one or find yourself.

Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 10:39

I want to change the way he talks to me, I want to change his attitude towards my opinions (he is prone to sort of saying OK you think that but you're wrong even when I know I am right), I want to change his attitude towards women changing their surname on marriage, I want to feel like I matter not just have that said to me I want to actually feel it.

He wants me to be more affectionate, tell him when things are bugging me more (I do try and he says I don't), he wants me to be less argumentative,

What do you think? Terminal? We've been together 3 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 10:42

The reason for the I think was because it would have been a while back. Maybe a year or so ago.

I did feel happy
If I didn't see him........no I was OK with that but then I don't think I'd be like that anyway
Stomach doing somersaults I think so
Sex was pretty good, I'm a bit shy/prudish to say the least so I don't think mind blowing sex would ever happen

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2016 10:58

You don't like the way he talks to you.
You don't like his attitude towards you.
He wants you to do all the affection stuff?
Is he affectionate towards you?
He's a bit of a misogynist!
He doesn't really listen to you and then when you do have an opinion it is wrong!

You can be as prudish as you like but when the right person comes along it will be mind blowing.

I think this has run it's course.
There are way too many things there that just don't look like this is a good relationship.

Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 11:08

I can't work out if I'm blowing it out all proportion. Hard to know.

Yeah, he seems to think everything is great though. Its all a bit odd.

OP posts:
HandyWoman · 11/04/2016 11:12

You are 3 (short) years down the line, this relationship has run out of steam. Put it out of its misery and find someone more compatible.

Good luck OP.

Flowers
Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 11:18

He thinks everything was OK, I don't know why though. Well I do in that I tried to tell him I was unhappy before and don't think he really got just how unhappy.

He wants to stay together I think and try and sort it out.

OP posts:
Snoopydo · 11/04/2016 11:19

For me it comes down to feelings. If you still love someone then it is worth working at it or sorting things out if you can. If the love has gone or was never there, then I don't think there's enough to hang on in there. You don't really mention your feelings for him. You sound confused.

Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 11:25

I am so very very confused. He wants an answer by the end of Tuesday about what I want to do, and I don't know what the answer is.

OP posts:
Clolan · 11/04/2016 11:46

Do you love him enough to try? If you do, then you owe it to yourself to do so, if you don't, then there's your answer

Original poster
Veryconfusedandunhappy · 11/04/2016 11:55

I wish I knew the answer to that!

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 11/04/2016 12:11

"I want to change the way he talks to me, I want to change his attitude towards my opinions (he is prone to sort of saying OK you think that but you're wrong even when I know I am right), I want to change his attitude towards women changing their surname on marriage, I want to feel like I matter not just have that said to me I want to actually feel it".

There is a lot in there. Is he a bit of a bulldozer in the relationship? He takes the lead in most things and if you don't like it, tough?

Also, he doesn't really seem to notice or care that you are unhappy but wants the relationship to continue anyway with you changing your ways and him staying the same?

If any of the above is true (and I'm only guessing here) then yes, the relationship is terminal.

RatSandmIce · 11/04/2016 12:14

I was thinking 10 or 15 years before you said 3. If the relationship has run out of steam to that extent, at a time when you might expect to be still in relatively new and happy territory, it sounds like it might be over. Flowers

misszp · 11/04/2016 12:23

I wish I knew the answer to that!

Then no, you don't love him enough to try, because you would know if you did.

I have been in your position - relationship 6 years in, house, etc. Things were off, and eventually just fizzled out and it took a long time to admit that. I am however glad we ended it amicably, before things turned really sour.

Unless the reasons for things for being shitty can be changed, or have changed believe me when I say that things will continue as they are and you will not be happy long term.

Wuffleflump · 11/04/2016 12:26

Does he acknowledge that the things you've raised are problems, and that fixing them is in his control? Do you about the things he has raised?

Not a 'but I never' or 'but you never either', or a 'but everything else was fine'. Really said, 'I'm sorry, I didn't understand, but I will do what I can to address these problems'.

That's the only thing that can improve the situation.

He does sound a bit misogynist, but that's fixable: it's a default product of society, and people can learn to think about it actively and change the way the act, though not necessarily instantly. It takes time, correction and effort.

But, be honest, if he does all that, is the relationship saved? It sounds like you are unclear on whether you ever got much out of the relationship. It's not enough to remove the bad bits: there have to be good bits to make it worthwhile. Where is this going? What do you want out of life, and can he contribute to that?

hellsbellsmelons · 11/04/2016 12:30

He wants an answer by the end of Tuesday
Honestly - WTF??
Why does he get to decide when YOU decide!
That's crap.
You text him and let him know you are considering everything and that you need time.
You will NOT know by tomorrow evening (although I think you do know you should end it and if I was you I would tell him now) and that he cannot pressure you as this is exactly WHY you are unhappy.
The more you write the more of a knob he sounds - sorry!