85% of the way through ending a relationship, another chance or just go for ending it? So very confused

[Veryconfusedandunhappy]

DP and I have been having a lot or arguments lately, I started a thread a while back about how I felt unappreciated.

He seems to think everything is OK, its all just little issues and its because I haven't talked to him enough. I feel like I tried to talk in the past and was brushed off and now that he is worried about losing me he's suddenly listening.

We have no DC so no worries there.

I've been unhappy probably around 8 months, but then we've had a stressful 8 months with a house move and refurbishment works.

We had a row Thursday evening and he has gone to think about things and is back tomorrow. On the whole I have been happier with him gone, but a long time back we were happy (I think, lots of people say I was but others think I just settled).

I don't know whether to give the relationship another shot or just cut my losses. What if he could change and things could be OK? What if we could go back to being happy? What if we stay together and things just get worse? What if I waste more time with him?

How do you ever know what is the right thing to do? In RL most people are saying no just end it, but a few have said you could give it a go.

How do I make such a big life changing decision??

I will admit I am not as affectionate as he would like. I feel its all a bit too much and sometimes need a bit more space than he does. I agree that I won't just back down if I know I am right but then I don't think a discussion about stuff does any harm (say for example could be talking about depression which he just doesn't understand so I can get a bit frustrated). I know I am sensitive but that is never going to change, I know I can find it hard to talk about problems because I get scared of causing a row. When I have tried to talk about stuff in the past I felt I was shot down or told I was being too sensitive.

He said he knows he can be shitty but he usually claims he was tired or busy or had a lot on. I don't see those as reasons, just excuses. I don't think he realises he talks down to me, although others see it and have mentioned it to me.

He said relationships aren't perfect they need working at (I agree) but I am expecting too much.

I just want us both to be happy

Re the affection - I feel it's all a bit too much and sometimes need a bit more space than he does

I don't think you fancy this man. Or feel comfortable around him.

I think you should split and work on your self, your confidence and why you are scared of causing a row.

There isn't enough in this to save, I feel.

I would suggest you take the first step to a more confident, fulfilled life and end this relationship.

I kept on ignoring my gut, wasn't overall happy but kept on. You will get used to these episodes, they will become the new normal. Eventually we married, I still had high hopes. Now it is years down the line, I love him but not fancy him in my life. Leaving is a struggle as he feels it is all in my mind, nothing is ever bad. They are only small episodes which are all too normal.

There is never a good time to talk. If he is happy then I'm being mean to ruin his mood. If he is having a tough time then I'm making it even worse. I'm struggling to get out but I hope you can listen to your instincts.

I don't think this is salvageable and you're best of without each other. How dare he give you an ultimatum?? You get one shot at life and sound happier without him

Will you be happy to see him or will you kind of dread it?

Imho, your ambivalence is your gut putting the brakes on things. As said on other threads, if it isn't a Hell Yes!! then it isn't a keeper (or some other wording but you get the gist).

He sounds controlling. It sounds like he expects you to mold into his relationship template without any compromise on his part. He is shaming you for having feelings so he won't have to own up to his behavior-which is essentially treating you as though you are invisible. He wants it to work so he won't have to start over with someone else. < sorry if that is harsh.

You did not say that you suffer from depression (you wanted to discuss it), but if you do, I will guess that if you leave him your depression will lift. He is keeping you pressed down by being so dismissive of you pretty much across the board. He is keeping you clearly subordinate when you should be an equal. This is not good for your mental health. It is not mentally healthy for you to stay with him, or be around him. You need to get out of the relationship.

When other people mention his negative behavior toward you-that is a huge red flag. Listen to them because they can see it objectively and are not in the midst of his manipulations.

With the affection its more he wants to be all over me all the time. I don't enjoy that, it makes it not special anymore. If I'm not cuddled up close enough he doesn't like it.

I'm nervous about seeing him as I have no idea whether he is going to want to save the relationship or not. I do feel like he is a bit controlling but I am also aware I have allowed him to control me for a long long time so I do take a bit of the blame there.

I don't suffer depression, that was from a chat about rich people getting depression and him saying it makes no sense. Me saying it doesn't make sense, its not something you can control and isn't just about money. He disagrees with my opinion and won't even consider it to be maybe true.

Not much help but I am in the process of separating and am having doubts. We've been getting on better and I am confused. But I wrote down all the things that needed to change - and they haven't. So whilst it is sad and would be easier to stay together I know I will be happier in the long term - by the sounds of it you will too. Lifes too short and you have no dc to worry about.

Everyone tells me it will be OK if we don't stay together, but I don't know how they can be so sure. I feel like its just being said because they know its what I need to hear not because its the truth

Is is the truth. You'll be sad - that's normal. But you'll be ok. Being single will open up new possibilities for you. Why don't you think it'll be ok? Fear of the unknown is a rubbish reason to stay with the wrong man.

Yeah, I think maybe you are having a little separation anxiety? You will be ok without him.

I wrote a very similar post not long ago, and after I'd pretty much stonewalled him for a while, because like you, I couldn't process what was happening, and what I wanted to do, I ended it.
I'm a mess 6 weeks later, and I'm heartsore, and I can't quite believe I've made this decision (after 6 years together , although we didn't live together) BUT. I know it was the right decision, even though it is HARD. I think your gut will tell you what you really need to know - don't trust your heart - it's fickle!

You will know what you really want to do -can you imagine being in that retirement home with him?

Much love, this is tough, whatever you decide. Xxxx

I've got to see him today and I have no answers. I am a mess, no idea what I should do. I wish the decision could be taken away from me

Can you see that perhaps the reason you are a mess/ so unsure of your own decision making process -is down to the way he treats you?
He doesn't respect you. Three years in and you are already ground down by him. If it isn't a yes, then it's a no...but you can take more time if you need it. If he won't give it to you then that's another negative on his side. You are not his employee.

I have been with H for 18 years. I wrote this post the other day. Don't become me. open letter to my husband

No, I'm not his employee.

Once upon a time he wasn't like this, I just can't remember when that was. He did used to treat me well though I know that much as I don't think early on I would have put up with this.

I guess it depends on what he wants to do too.

The whole situation is just causing me massive headaches all the time.

I know I can find it hard to talk about problems because I get scared of causing a row.

That's pretty bad. Very bad, really. You should be able to talk.

When I have tried to talk about stuff in the past I felt I was shot down or told I was being too sensitive.
Typical excuse from a controlling person.

He said he knows he can be shitty but he usually claims he was tired or busy or had a lot on. I don't see those as reasons, just excuses

Yes, they are excuses too.

They mean "I can talk to you however I like, and you have to put up with it. If you object, I'll fob you off or tell you you're over sensitive"

It's clear why you are having massive headaches. I would take your courage on both hands and end it, because I strongly suspect he will get worse.

No, but I admit I am always scared of causing rows. Its the same with any issues with friends too, I hate arguments as a thing and will probably go too far to avoid them. This is a failing on my part I know.

I do wonder if maybe I AM too sensitive. I don't think that will change though, its just how I am.

He seemed really really sad this morning though, I don't think he's eating properly and I'm a bit worried about him. Maybe he does care more than I thought.

Wish I had a crystal ball!

Op you sound unhappy but are not convinced that throwing in the towel is the right thing.
Have you been happy together for the last 2 years?
When did the relationship (from your point of view) deteriorate?.
If you are relaxed when he is not there, I think you might want to consider why.
Are you on edge/miserable when he is there?

The relief I felt when I finally decided to end my first marriage was unbelievable, I felt so free, I thought I would feel sad but it was such a relief to be on my own and not to have him talking down to me, upsetting me by ignoring me, and belittling me.

He should not be giving you a time limit to make a decision, explain that you need time to make a measured and proper decision and don't want to be rushed into making a decision you could regret.
I know what I think about your relationship Op and what my decision if I were in your shoes would be, but it is your decision for you to make, do not be hurried so you can make the right one for you!

Good Luck

It isn't that you are too sensitive (or even sensitive at all), it is that he is insensitive. This is the real him. He knows very well that the relationship may end because of his insensitivity that is why he is mounting a long term campaign to brainwash and convince you that you are "sensitive" to make you own his behavior (as well as deflect the attention off of himself and onto you). Do not take ownership of his behavior...that is his circus/his monkeys to deal with. You are well into doormat territory with this bloke. He so does not respect you.

Strategy: ok fine, you are too sensitive...too sensitive to be in this relationship. Hasta La Vista, baby. on your behalf.

There are worse things than being alone, Veryconfusedandunhappy. Being in a relationship with a controlling, dismissive, emotionally abusive jerk is one of them.

And please don't fall for the poor little boy routine of manipulation. That's just embarrassing that he would try to put that one over on you.

I think over the last two years, yes I have probably been happy. I think that is because I just went along with things and didn't realise, as such, that things weren't quite right. I had a nice life on the whole and just kept quiet and told myself things were OK.

I don't think he is abusive, I think he is just strong willed and I've let him get his own way for a long time. I think the way he is with me is the way he is with everyone he doesn't see as more senior (so parents, senior work people etc). So talking down to me isn't just to me its who he is. I've said little things about it but never really said "oi that isn't on".

That doesn't mean it is ok to treat you that way though.

The insidiousness of emotional abuse makes it very very hard to pin point, or to put into words or especially to validate. Your word against the abuser's, and guess what?- the abuser will never capitulate. One knows what one feels though...or felt before one rationalizes, excuses, justifies with some filter of mystical thinking that will one day finally fulfill a secret recipe for "doing it right"...only you are never given the recipe and when you do blindly guess it, then whoops, the goal posts get moved (again). Quite the entertainment, no?

What you may be experiencing now, Veryconfusedandupset , is called "discovery". You are finding pieces to the puzzle that you didn't know existed. It can make your head spin a bit...but believe it. It does take time as you process historical interactions and dynamics. Understand it. It does take time. You do need more time to process this.

However, imho, physical detachment and emotional detachment are two different things. Physical detachment is a break up and happens in a day/hour/(or even a text these days) (or when who ever can move out), but emotional detachment may take much longer. Sometimes the physical and emotional can happen at the same time. You say 85% through ending the relationship...it is the emotional side of it, yes? I do not think you have to wait until you are at 100% emotional detachment to make the physical breakup happen, iyswim. You can do that finishing up work on your own time, which would be more efficient anyway without the pouts and whining from him interfering with your progress. He is throwing his toys out of the pram to manipulate you to get his way.

However, knowing what you have discovered about the character of your bf...do you really need to know every nuance of the circumstances? No. The overall umbrella over the whole thing is a negative. If you are adverse to placing a negative label on your bf, then go with a neutral determination of incompatibility. (Sometime it really is ok if someone thinks you are a bitch-they deserve it and then verbally spank you for standing up to them. Their calling you a bitch is all about them and their problems and nothing about you at all.) Imho, the relationship just isn't going to go the long haul. Don't marry him (if that ever comes up) and skip the inevitable divorce.

It is a quandry, I appreciate that. I broke an engagement after being together 3-1/2 years. I have never regretted it.

Get out. Right doesn't feel like this has ever felt, by the sound of it. I had several relationships this length with a level of ambivalence. Honestly, when I got together with my now DH I couldn't understand why I'd bothered with them - it is so different when you wholeheartedly want to be with someone 'working' means dealing with differences not forcing yourself to want someone