85% of the way through ending a relationship, another chance or just go for ending it? So very confused

[Veryconfusedandunhappy]

DP and I have been having a lot or arguments lately, I started a thread a while back about how I felt unappreciated.

He seems to think everything is OK, its all just little issues and its because I haven't talked to him enough. I feel like I tried to talk in the past and was brushed off and now that he is worried about losing me he's suddenly listening.

We have no DC so no worries there.

I've been unhappy probably around 8 months, but then we've had a stressful 8 months with a house move and refurbishment works.

We had a row Thursday evening and he has gone to think about things and is back tomorrow. On the whole I have been happier with him gone, but a long time back we were happy (I think, lots of people say I was but others think I just settled).

I don't know whether to give the relationship another shot or just cut my losses. What if he could change and things could be OK? What if we could go back to being happy? What if we stay together and things just get worse? What if I waste more time with him?

How do you ever know what is the right thing to do? In RL most people are saying no just end it, but a few have said you could give it a go.

How do I make such a big life changing decision??

He seems to think we have nothing to lose by trying for a few months and I guess he is right.

However he seems to think everything will go straight back to normal (wanted sex last night) whereas I can't just do that.

I don't know. I just don't know.

everything will go straight back to normal
But that is exactly what you DO NOT want.
Why waste another 'few months' with this bloke.
He's not the one for you.
And we all know that 'few months' turns into a few years very quickly then you've wasted years.
I really think you are having a hard time just ending it.
I've no idea why.
What are you afraid of?
Upsetting him maybe?
Please don't just go along with what the 'man' wants.
What YOU want matters way more than that.
You do know what to do you just need to do it!

I'm getting the sense correct me if I'm wrong that he wants the status quo.

That's not "trying": that's just more of the same.

And "more of the same" is clearly not what you want.

If you are at cross purposes like this, then no it's not salvageable.

No he has been trying, and so far not gone back to being a dick (although its been less than 2 days)

By going back to normal I mean a nice normal not a shitty normal........does that make sense?

Reasons I am having a hard time ending it

• the thought "could it go back to being good", by good I mean as good as it ever was, I am pretty sure I've been happy at some points
• we've had a stressful 8 months, has that caused all this
• nothing to lose by trying
• serious fear of change
• fear of being made to look like the bad person

- the thought "could it go back to being good", by good I mean as good as it ever was, I am pretty sure I've been happy at some points

There's few things worse than knowing your partner can be good to you, but chooses not to be. It gives you false hope, but it's also really insulting when you think about it.

If you've been miserable for a long time but you know he could be nice to you if he wanted to, having done it in the past, honestly what does that say about how much you mean to him?

- we've had a stressful 8 months, has that caused all this

Perhaps. What does your gut say?

- nothing to lose by trying

Your time and emotional energy are precious and cannot be retrieved once lost.

- serious fear of change

Normal, we all fear change. We're scared to take the plunge even on big decisions that we wholeheartedly want, let alone confusing things like romantic relationships.
So let your fear of change be there, iyswim, but don't let it take over and cloud your gut feelings.

- fear of being made to look like the bad person

Please do try to discount that fear. You are entitled to make choices for yourself, whatever those choices are. And honestly? People are too wrapped up in their own lives to give a shit about what you do with yours. Really truly. You get to do what you want with your own life, and no-one else really cares (and if they're judgey, fuck'em!).

When we talked he said he has been stressed over the last 8 months and kind of admits I've taken the brunt of it. He said I've been mean too, which I guess is true because I just stopped being able to take it and be nice all the time any more.

He has also said he is dogmatic and that is never likely to change.

He says the right things, that I am the most important thing to him but he doesn't make me feel that way and hasn't done for a very very long time. I think once upon a time he did

I have to keep writing I think because it was all so long ago I can't remember

He said he was dogmatic and that isn't likely to change. Up thread you said you were sensitive and "thats just who I am". You're incompatible on a huge level and it's nobody's fault. You are who you are.

Yes, maybe you're right

I really wanted this to all work out. We own a house together and had talked about weddings and kids and things about a year ago.

Its like a tiny bit of stress on the relationship and its all gone tits up

He says this is our first real bust up, and seeing as I'm thinking it could be over he doesn't think I have staying power.

An 8 month bust up!!
You've been unhappy for 8 months
Good grief. You've put up with this shite for 8 months
I know I wouldn't have.
I think that is pretty good staying power myself.
I wouldn't have put up with it for that long.
That's nearly 25% of the relationship.
That's not right.

You write an awful lot of; He says, He thinks, He doesn't think, He He he... blah blah blah
What do YOU think?
What do you really really think?
Do you think this is healthy and normal?
If so you need to get some counselling to understand why you think this is all you deserve.

Re-read your opening post again.
Even in RL people have told you that you settled and to end it.
But you are still clinging on for some very bizarre reason that we just can't figure out.

RiceCrispieTreats - nice analysis.

Being under stress, for whatever reason, is not a green light to be rude, dismissive, belittling, degrading, etc, etc. That is just nonsense! There lies a free pass to treat you like crap indefinitely. You only have his word for what is going on at work ...but even if he is really stressed at work-isn't everyone? I know my dh is and he damn well knows better than to ever even think about taking it out on me.

a tiny bit of stress on the relationship and its all gone tits up Sorry, but it wasn't much of a relationship then. What hellsbells said above. This relationship is a one way street at the convenience of your bf.

he doesn't think I have staying power This is pure manipulation, a psychological tool to swerve your thinking into trying to prove him wrong. He is treating you as though you were six years old. So you stay and what? You get a gold star for your star chart? Get angry.

He says the right things but his actions do not back up these comments: definition of lip service. Talk is cheap, easy, and quick.

I really wanted this to all work out We know you do, really. Everyone wants it to work out. But you can not control him and your not taking the crap off of him (well done you) has not changed his behavior (except for him to blame and shame you for meanness). Someone wanting the relationship to work on a mutually respectful plane would stop the offensive behavior. Imho, you may be caught up in a sunk cost fallacy .

Continuing because nothing to lose by trying is another manipulation on his part. You do have a lot to lose. He wants you to believe that you don't. The time you are with him, is time you will not be able to meet someone new. The time you are with him, you risk your depressive tendencies to get worse. Your prevarications will get worse. His headfucking you will get worse. You are giving him a chance to very thinly paint over your problems to follow the path of least resistance. He seriously does not want to have to start over with someone else.

OK, I know its all not right, none of it.

He does have positive attributes honestly, he can be kind and caring and generous and want to do his best by me.

We did used to be happy, no relationship is perfect and things bugged me but I think on the whole we were happy (although he worked away a LOT). Life just used to be a lot easier, we had a nice house with few costs and now we have a full refurb of a house and it has been stressful for him (doesn't really affect me to be honest) so yes 8 months of shit but 8 months of that causing him stress.

Just read that back.........sound like I'm making excuses don't I

You know you do!
And we can keep telling you to get away etc...
But this is you and your life so you need to do what YOU think is best right now.
Just come back to this post every now and then and have a read through.

OP, most relationships are a constant flux of happy moments, very happy moments, not so happy moments, and unhappy moments. It's up to you how much of that you are going to take and move on to the next phase.

Most relationships are happy and trouble free to begin with, then the problems, and differences begin to set it. It's how you two as a couple sail through those setbacks what's going to make you stay together long term.

You might not be happy with things for a long period of time but that doesn't mean that you cannot move forward at some point and keep having a loving relationship in the future. And maybe to go back again to a new difficult time and recover from that as well.

To expect or believe that a relationship can be happy all the time leads to a lot of disappointment and stress. Unless there is physical or psychological abuse, which doesn't seem to be the case here according to what you say, I would give the relationship a go.

I've not read your whole post but a very dear friend once said to me (when I was questioning a long term relationship) "it's not about wasting the last 7/8/9 years, it's about considering the next 50."

Think about your future happiness. Good luck

Yes I couldn't agree more, it's why it's a decision that really really matters.

Maybe we'd be amazing together in he future, maybe I'd meet someone better in a matter of months......who knows....and that is the reason I am stuck

Of course you were happy at the beginning - aren't we all! Then it goes Wrong and the majority of people end it but you against your better judgement seem reluctant to do that!

Believe me it takes at least three years to see someone's character and all that happened was you reached the time frame, months of stress does not cause your personality to transform into a horror.

You've been warned, you're ignoring your gut - then good luck

The long and short of the worry is ending up less happy or never meeting anyone who I am happier with.

Yes, it's easy to say I will. But no one can know that for sure.....does that make sense?

So we had some huge talks, and we've agreed to try for a month or so.

I am finding it all quite difficult, he is very clearly trying but that almost makes me think he cannot keep it up long term

He is being very needy and I am finding that very tough too.

Maybe I just don't love him anymore

I really don't hear in what you are saying that you have any real affection or love for him. This is not a criticism, just an observation.

I suspect that how the relationship has become over the past year has destroyed your feelings for him.

Sometimes people just aren't compatible. He obviously needs a relationship where you are both totally immersed in each other/almost joined at the hip and agree on everything. You sound like you need a relationship where you can still be a individual with your own separate identity, his needs seem to have ended up suffocating you.

Obviously people with differing needs can successfully have relationships, but they do need to be worked at and agreement to compromise on both sides can be reached, but I suspect both of your natures (he is a bit controlling, you like to keep the peace) would make that very difficult.

You need more space to think this through for yourself, his Tuesday deadline makes this impossible for you. I would suggest you say to him you cannot be rushed to make this decision, but if he is not prepared to wait longer or work through the problems with you this will mean it has to be the end of the relationship..

Sorry x-post.

I think you have lost the love.
I saw this yesterday and thought of you.

You'll never get what you deserve....
If you remain attached to what you're supposed to let go!

Don't settle because you are unsure of the future.
That way madness lies!

The tuesday passed, and I kind of agreed we'd try as I felt like I should.

I do think his behaviours over the last few months have destroyed any feelings towards him. Its almost like anything he does now doesn't erase that and the fear would be he will revert to that behaviour anyway.

I do care about him a lot and actually I do love him but I don't think I am in love with him. Would like us both to end up happy.

Thanks Hells I do like that